Author Runninggirl Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 48 minutes ago, Minneloa said: How do you know whom he is texting and when? And how do you know they have not met? Because he enabled so I could see him on the map, he's lucky(perhaps unlucky) for me obsessed with being watched/seen according to his best friends. He also stalks a whole lot. He takes it extremely personally if someone doesn't return the access too. After no contact he would "compliment" me on that he had seen that I had been working a lot and long hours, he would tell his friends Im away, etc. And I know she lives two hours away still with her parents so I would know if they met, because I check every day because Im afraid. In the beginning I was so grateful that I could see him so I could avoid running into him looking aweful at the supermarket, but its also a bit of a curse because someday Ill see him somewhere where I dont want to. But I can't remove him, only he can withdraw the access to it, which Im pretty certain he won't, at least not for a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 I still don’t understand how you know whom he texts and when. And what if she came to his place? Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 More importantly, can you see how this constant tracking of his movements is preventing you from making forward movement? I know that you don’t want to “move on,” but your current choice seems equally horrible, pining away for him in the shadows and hoping that he doesn’t get attached to this new person. Sounds hellish to me. 😟 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 Your obsession with this guy is unhealthy and has little to do with him as a person at this point. Do you have this obsessive pattern in other areas of your life? This has become more about deeper issues within yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 I think the issue is that this has "worked in the past", he has broken up with me before where I moved on differently, because I had no hopes, but because he has regretted his decision several times its harder to let go of the hope, and Im scared to do anything that prevents him from coming back @ExpatInItaly @Minneloa Hard to explain, but I am 100% sure they have not met. Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 Ok, but what good does this information do you, other than stoking your false hope and feeding this obsession? The constant monitoring seems to provide you a sense of control, but this is illusory. No matter what information you obtain, you can’t determine/influence/prevent his forming a new romantic connection. What would happen if you decided to unfollow him on the app (or whatever it would take to remove this tracking capability)? What is it you fear? Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: Your obsession with this guy is unhealthy and has little to do with him as a person at this point. Do you have this obsessive pattern in other areas of your life? This has become more about deeper issues within yourself. I would also be interested in your answer to this question. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 57 minutes ago, Minneloa said: I would also be interested in your answer to this question. Sorry I missed it! Yes I have a bit of obsessive patterns in other areas in life. Definitely a dreamer, and I have a hard time letting those dreams go, especially because I dont easily find something that I get attached to that easily. I also had eating disorder previously which were more about the compulsive part of it, than the actual affect it would have as in loose weight etc. But I do however not very often attach to people, but when I do I struggle to let them go. My parents gave me very mixed messages as a kid, which I have thought of could possibly be why I get so hung up on him because he did the same during our relationship as well. Im very anxious as a person. If you have examples of which particular areas you were curious about its easier to answer. I haven't really thought about the connection before. As for the remove him from the app: In theory perhaps I would feel better to loose control, but I think that would make it difficult later on. Right now we dont see eachother because of covid, but we usually have a ton of mutual friends, and when things have gone "sour", he has made it very difficult for our friends to be friends with the both of us. Even if he would never love me again I would like to preserve a friendship in a far away future where we were on good terms, so we wouldn't make it awkward for other people. He's very reactive and emotionally driven so Im always afraid to do things to "push his buttons", because he so easily retaliate. Im hoping that by having it a bit more difficult now, Ill be happy for it in the future. Also its a bit about "keeping face", if he truly doesn't care I dont want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that it kills me to the point where I would unfollow him on social media not to see him. I dont want to come off as bitter, and make him just more happy he's rid of me. Now Im describing myself as a train wreck, but I do have for the most parts my life pretty much put together on the surface. Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 I am curious if you would agree with Expat’s suggestion above that your obsession with this man is now about more than just his attention/affection. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted February 5, 2021 Author Share Posted February 5, 2021 @Minneloa No not really, I dont usually get this attached, Ive never been like this in previous relationships, I would more naturally grieve their end and move on easily. I dont feel like the break up magnified my feelings, because I felt very sure and strongly about him when we were together as well. Even though we were together for years I still felt very "in love" with him, very smitten, charmed, a bit honeymoon period. I dont feel like Im more obsessed with him as a person now than I was when we were together, but the break up has magnified my obsessive behavior. When we were together I was always afraid that he would leave me, I think I somehow always felt like he would "see through me" and leave me. And those insecurities did have a negative impact on our relationship because he said he always felt I was holding back. I was afraid of feeling rejected, and I didn't communicate it, so he sometimes felt like it wasn't going anywhere. But I wouldn't overanalyze at this level, I would spend more time thinking about him than I have in previous relationships, but it wouldn't affect my daily life as it does now. After we broke up I haven't been able to get my life together, I can hardly get my work done, barely getting by at uni, because Ive lost all concentration. I spend the absolute majority of the day trying to keep myself calm, doing activities that would distract me, make time go by or calm my anxiety. Its very time consuming. Like today my day was like this: I couldn't sleep until 03 because I can't turn my head off, then I couldn't get out of bed which has been the case since the break up. Ive never felt this exhausted feeling before, no matter how bad things were with him, but I simply can't get myself out of bed. Today I pushed through and got out at 11, but sometimes Ill sleep on and off feeling sooo tired until maybe 2pm.. Then I went to the gym which was really nice mentally! I will keep doing that. Then I tried to study, but my mind just wanders, so I made dinner, and then I locked my self in at work because no one is there, just so I could pace the hallways and tell myself mantras to get my anxiety at bay. Then I studied for an hour, which is more than Ive been able to do for the past week. Im no proud of this, and Im keeping everything very hidden from everyone. I dont want to be the lazy girl who just lays in bed depressed and never gets anything done. Im usually the up at 6 for the gym and having a productive day-type. I know it doesn't sound like Im trying, but I really am. Im trying to pep myself all the time, make plans for the next day, week etc. Im just terrified that Ill always feel like this because my life has peaked and I will never be as happy as I was. I really was so happy with him, and before everything crashed Im sure he was too. Which makes it so hard to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 I am sorry to hear that you are struggling. It sounds like you’re dealing with significant anxiety and depression as a result of this situation. Would you be open to consulting with your GP re: medication? For some folks, it can provide a “jump start” that allows them to gain momentum. Also, some medications can provide relief from obsessive thinking cycles. Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 (edited) Also, do you have sources of social support: friends or family members? Not necessarily to “talk through” the breakup with, but rather to lean on/spend time with during this difficult period when you feel exhausted and anxious. Edited February 5, 2021 by Minneloa Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 5 hours ago, Minneloa said: I am sorry to hear that you are struggling. It sounds like you’re dealing with significant anxiety and depression as a result of this situation. Would you be open to consulting with your GP re: medication? For some folks, it can provide a “jump start” that allows them to gain momentum. Also, some medications can provide relief from obsessive thinking cycles. I was about to suggest the same thing. This whole situation has been so disruptive to your life, OP, and feeling like this over a guy you haven't really had much a of relationship with signals bigger issues that could use professional support. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 9 hours ago, Runninggirl said: @Minneloa Hard to explain, but I am 100% sure they have not met. Try us. How do you know this information? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted February 5, 2021 Author Share Posted February 5, 2021 5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Try us. How do you know this information? He always adds the people he meets on facebook, and they are not friends, they live two hours apart and I would see if he visited her. If she were to visit him I would know because he wouldn't be online gaming, which he has been always after the break up, we have mutual friends from the place we are both from and he has almost no friends where he lives now. He will always come here when he wants to see his friends, not one of his friends has ever gone to his place, because its a place in the middle of nowhere with nothing. About medication: Ive thought about it, Ive started taking melatonin to sleep on "important" days, but Im trying to avoid needing any form of medication. Ive considered therapy, but its so expensive here (about 100 usd per hour). Today is a horrible day, I woke up with a gut feeling he will meet this girl this weekend. I dont know why, just him being extra much on social media in combination with having the weekend off. Ive made plans for both frida and saturday to stay busy, but I just hope the weekend passes really quickly. Wish I could just sleep until monday Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 55 minutes ago, Runninggirl said: He always adds the people he meets on facebook, and they are not friends, they live two hours apart and I would see if he visited her. If she were to visit him I would know because he wouldn't be online gaming, which he has been always after the break up, we have mutual friends from the place we are both from and he has almost no friends where he lives now. He will always come here when he wants to see his friends, not one of his friends has ever gone to his place, because its a place in the middle of nowhere with nothing. With respect, do you realize this is not normal behaviour? To track and monitor him this closely? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted February 5, 2021 Author Share Posted February 5, 2021 32 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: With respect, do you realize this is not normal behaviour? To track and monitor him this closely? Yes obviously, its an addiction because its the only thing that gives me a temporary fix of relief. Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 (edited) What makes you want to avoid medication? It could possibly alleviate the intense daily struggle you are describing here. Edited February 5, 2021 by Minneloa Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted February 5, 2021 Author Share Posted February 5, 2021 2 minutes ago, Minneloa said: What makes you want to avoid medication? Because I dont feel like it will solve the problem, just hide it. And yes as anxiety medication can dull the actual anxiety (I have used diazepam previously) it doesn't make the feelings go away, just the reaction. Made me very depressed, and I could medicate that too, but I would probably just feel numb, I would still KNOW how I felt without the medication, and Im afraid Id get addicted to it, or just loose myself more. At least I figured I would give it a full year before I would do anything like that. My current plan is exhaust all hope with no contact (if he wants me he can contact me, I think Ive made it clear that there's no bad blood between us, so should be easy for him to contact me if he wants to), and if I dont hear anything within the next maybe two months (I plan on setting a specific deadline for myself), then I will actively try to move on, download tinder etc. Although it makes me sick to my stomach just the thought of it. If I dont feel better at the 1 year mark at all I will ask for medication then. I might if money and time allows it try therapy. I dont really have many to rely on now during covid, but hopefully the next few months things will get easier and I can get more distracted with friends, springtime, exams etc. No contact will hopefully numb everything a bit, although I didn't last time. Last time it was 10 weeks before I heard anything, and even into week 10 I felt as awful as week one. I remember I would drive to every shopping center every evening after work just to not sit alone and think, just try to do something mindless to pass time Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 What about an anti-depressant? Have you tried one before? They don’t necessarily produce numbness, and some of them, as I said earlier, can decrease obsessive thought cycles. Would you at least consider having a discussion with your GP? It truly sounds like you are in significant distress every day. 😟 Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 Also, with all due respect, you are not really in no contact if you are tracking all of his movements. Technically, you are not contacting him, but you are keeping the connection/obsession alive on your end. Until you sever this virtual cord (snap maps/gaming), it’s hard to see how you will make progress/feel better. I have noticed when you talk about cutting this cord, your reasons seems primarily concerned with *his* feelings, reactions, etc. What about you? The status quo is clearly eating you up. 🙃 If you aren’t ready to quit cold turkey, then what about smaller steps, like time limits on tracking him or temporarily deleting the app from your phone? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted February 5, 2021 Author Share Posted February 5, 2021 @Minneloa Ive never taken one, but am still hesitant to do it. Not sure I could look my GP in the eyes and say what's going on, I feel very ashamed. Ive been trying to limit it, not check every ten minutes, but for example deciding that I won't check for the rest of the night until I go to bed Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 I understand your hesitation. There’s still more stigma/shame around mental health vs. physical health, and it can make it harder to ask for help. Please know that what you are experiencing is a valid health concern! And you wouldn’t necessarily have to spill all the details to the doctor, just the overall gist that you can’t concentrate, have trouble sleeping, feel depressed and anxious, and struggle with rumination. It’s your choice, of course, and it’s not a guarantee. However, I urge you to consider a consultation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted February 5, 2021 Author Share Posted February 5, 2021 @MinneloaThank you, I will consider it if I feel like its not getting any better within the next month or two. And thanks for the opportunity to write and empty my chest at this forum<3 Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 You are welcome! I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time right now. Sending good thoughts! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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