Was he telling the truth or was it BS?

[ladybug2021]

Met this guy on a dating app and have been talking all day everyday for several days. He invited me for dinner but we didn't say the day and time yet.

Yesterday late afternoon we were talking, he said he was going to have dinner and would like to talk more after and I said yes of course. Then he went silent. I asked him if he had dinner already and he responded with a smiley emoji and nothing else. I went to sleep and said nothing more to him.

Then this morning I have a message from him at 2am saying yesterday he was surprised by a few friends he hasn't seen in ages, went out with them and forgot his phone at home...

To me this sounds just total BS. The "friends" were probably a girlfriend or a hook-up.

I didn't respond to his message and wanted to come here ask what do you guys think. Could it be true and I should give him the benefit of the doubt? Should I tell him directly what I think it was, or just block and delete without saying anything? Anyway I was feeling a good vibe about him before this and now not anymore. I don't like this sort of dodgy behaviour.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

Met this guy on a dating app and have been talking all day everyday for several days. He invited me for dinner but we didn't say the day and time yet.

You haven't even met, so you are both talking to and meeting others. He stated he is having dinner, more than you need to know.

Immediately stop the 24/7 texting.

You need to meet in person. Texting is Not dating.

If you don't meet soon in a timely manner, simply delete and block him and move forward.

Do Not Text 24/7 before meeting and get this overinvested in it.

[ladybug2021]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You haven't even met, so you are both talking to and meeting others. He stated he is having dinner, more than you need to know.

Immediately stop the 24/7 texting.

You need to meet in person. Texting is Not dating.

If you don't meet soon in a timely manner, simply delete and block him and move forward.

Do Not Text 24/7 before meeting and get this overinvested in it.

I'm not sure if you got my point. I wasn't asking if I should meet him or questioning if we are dating. I was questioning if what he said is BS and if I should even considered meeting him after this.

He stated he was having dinner, but also stated he wanted to talk with me after dinner.

Of course he can meet other people as well as me. But I don't tell lies or BS to others. THAT is the question.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, ladybug2021 said:

I'm not sure if you got my point. I wasn't asking if I should meet him or questioning if we are dating. I was questioning if what he said is BS and if I should even considered meeting him after this.

He stated he was having dinner, but also stated he wanted to talk with me after dinner.

Of course he can meet other people as well as me. But I don't tell lies or BS to others. THAT is the question.

Sounds like he went on another date and would rather talk to someone in person than be tethered to a phone.

So take it for what it's worth. Either he set that up first or he's not that interested in texting.

[ladybug2021]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like he went on another date and would rather talk to someone in person than be tethered to a phone.

So take it for what it's worth. Either he set that up first or he's not that interested in texting.

Funny you saying that because he invited me for dinner, I said yes but then I found it weird that he didn’t want to set up the date and time.

He mentioned the dinner again the following day, I told him we then need to see the best day for both and again, he said nothing about it.

So he has been postponing arranging the date for us to have dinner, and continues texting. 

It seems to me that he is probably attached or dating a lot of other women. So that BS yesterday makes sense.

[Wiseman2]

Block him.🐌 He's dragging his behind and that's wasting your time.

[trident_2020]

I wouldn’t spend too much energy wondering if it’s BS just focus on other things and if he asks you out on a definite date then it’s a step in the right direction. As stated by the other poster you’re spending way too much time with nonproductive texting with a person you hardly know with questionable motivations.

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

I'm not sure if you got my point. I wasn't asking if I should meet him or questioning if we are dating. I was questioning if what he said is BS and if I should even considered meeting him after this.

He stated he was having dinner, but also stated he wanted to talk with me after dinner.

Of course he can meet other people as well as me. But I don't tell lies or BS to others. THAT is the question.

I'm wondering, let's say he got to chatting with another woman (his right to do at this point) and lost track of time, would you have preferred he be truthful about that versus telling you a white lie?  Would it have made you feel better?  

Think about that because most women would NOT be okay with a guy they like chatting up another woman (and telling them about it) and any man with two brain cells to rub together knows that. 

So yeah, maybe it was a white lie, maybe it wasn't.  I doubt his intention was to cause you this much angst which franky there should not be.  

I think the problem is all the pre-meet protracted texting has caused you to have expectations and you've become somewhat invested.

Your initial post said he told you he wouid like to talk more after dinner.  This is quite ambiguous and could be interpreted a few different ways.  

To me, it was not a promise or even a statement that he "wouid" call after dinner, so not sure what you're concerned about. 

LB, if you want to be successful at dating and find your Mr. Right, it's important to be flexible. 

This should not even be an issue imo.  He appears to like you, you're having nice chats, he has invited you to dinner, focus on those things. 

You and him. Not what you suspect he might be doing with other women.

Lord girl, you're gonna drive yourself crazy with these thoughts.  I know you like him but please try and chill.

At least until you meet, click and start dating! 🤣

Have fun!  

 

 

[FMW]

4 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

Should I tell him directly what I think it was

You've only been talking  for "several days".  If he's telling the truth, you calling him out on it is going to make him think you're probably going to bring drama into things unnecessarily.  I'm a woman, but I wouldn't be interested in any further contact with someone who reacted that way, especially so early on.    

If he was lying, then no, that's not cool and you absolutely have a right to give a pass to anyone who lies for any reason. If the possibility that is true is that important to you and you're truly that suspicious that it is,  then just end your "talking" with this guy and move on.  

[d0nnivain]

Talking all day every day to someone you haven't met is foolish.   It made you more invested then you should have been.  As a result when he made you a dumb promise then broke it, you got upset. Your upset is understandable considering that you were invested.   His excuse was in fact lame & probably untrue but it's a "white lie" at this point.   From what he said you can't know if these were buddies or a this was a date. Both are plausible while the excuse is not.

So if the white lie is a deal breaker, be done.  If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt that is up to you. 

Had he told that same fabrication in the context of you two being in an exclusive relationship, it's detrimental effects would be greater.  Here the lie is some small indication of how he deals with things so if you go forward be vigilant. 

[ShyViolet]

I think you are over-analyzing every little thing he is doing, and you've over-invested yourself in texting all day every day with a guy who you just met online a few days ago and haven't even met in person yet.

You are not his girlfriend, you are not in a relationship with him, it is not your place to already be questioning where he is, who he is with and what he's doing.  Even if he did go on a date with another girl, he has every right to do that and frankly it's not your business, this is a guy who you haven't even gone on a first date with yet.  If you want to go on a date with him to see if you are compatible, then schedule a first date.  Stop the endless texting and the getting suspicious about where he is and what he is doing, when you haven't even met him yet.

[Versacehottie]

Ok, I know this is the answer you want: my guess is that he was on a date or talking to someone else that evening, and basically didn't want to have to report to you or tell you directly what he was doing.  It's a white lie.  See how he tried to skirt out of it by not answering your question about dinner directly?  he gave you the emoji to shut down the convo.  Also I think he was well aware that it was a leading question from you/a fishing expedition.  I'm sure he realized that was an attempt on your part to "set the date/time" of your dinner and see if it even had a chance of it being that evening.  To me, that says he is playing the field.

Here's the thing now that you have a poll answer from me on you OP question: you shouldn't care so much.  It's early days.  Of course, he is dating others!  To expect devotion and quasi exclusivity at this stage is nuts, irrational, especially since you haven't gone on one date yet.  Would you have rather had him tell you to your face and get into a huff with him because he was 100% transparent? "Well actually, I'm going on a date with someone else that I met from the app".  You would have been just as/more livid.  So I wouldn't call this a "lie" necessarily--the cover up part maybe as the phone part was taking it too far..."ran into a friend" would have sufficed.  You can't pretend that this isn't going on at early stages.  People dodge the question to set boundaries with you as far as how much you really have a say over their life as well as spare your feelings and keep the budding relationship intact.  IMO, you should not at all be talking/texting with him as much as you have been.  It gives a false sense of closeness that isn't real--even if one of you thinks it is.  And now here we are where he's dodging what he is acting like is invasiveness into his life/overstepping.  Thus you become an obligation. New toy syndrome--you used it all up by talking and texting with him so much.  And the girl who didn't do that is out on a date with him--that's my guess.  Just being real.  And you should be dating and talking to other guys and not letting him monopolize your time. Good luck

Edited December 11, 2020 by Versacehottie

[ladybug2021]

Thank you to all that responded but some of you missed my point.

I don't care if he is dating other women! Yes we are not in a relationship. Me myself am talking to other guys and in fact have a coffee date tomorrow with one of them.

So, it is not about him dating others. It is the BS EXCUSE he gave me! HE said he wanted to talk more to me that day after dinner. I said yes. So I was yes expecting to talk to him after dinner. He then didn't message anything and came up with that excuse. The EXCUSE is my concern, not the dating others at this stage.

Edited December 11, 2020 by ladybug2021

[d0nnivain]

Because the excuse is bugging you soooooo much, be done.  It really is as simple as that. 

[ladybug2021]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

Because the excuse is bugging you soooooo much, be done.  It really is as simple as that. 

He then came back saying he was with a friend that broke up with his girlfriend and so he was out with him. True or not, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt (that he was telling the truth) and not BS me. 

I guess I was also pis*** off because other guy I was talking to stopped messaging me for a few days and then when we started messaging again he said he stopped messaging me on purpose to see if I would say something!

I hate playing these games, it feels very immature to me and I deleted that guy but was pis*** off about it and so ended up not liking this guy’s excuse either. 

Anyway, I’ll go on a date with this guy and see how it goes.

[Ruby Slippers]

Yeah, he sounds full of crap to me. I'd delete and block without a second thought. I agree that it's a waste of time to invest too much in lots of texting before you even meet. However, for him to say he wants to talk later then flake out with a lame excuse is... lame. Anytime you get these WTH feelings about a guy from a dating site, he's a waste of time - move on.

[d0nnivain]

Well at least you have some insight into what makes you tick.  However while you are still ticked off, I think that mindset will ruin any date you schedule.  

[smackie9]

red flag, intense texting for weeks with someone you haven't met yet. This usually means they are keeping you on the hook and most likely keeping their options open. Another red flag: The promises of  "we will have dinner" that never happens. Only stick with guys who message you a few times, and then have a meet up/proper date. If they are not asking you out pretty quickly, they are just a waste of YOUR time.

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

Thank you to all that responded but some of you missed my point.

I don't care if he is dating other women! Yes we are not in a relationship. Me myself am talking to other guys and in fact have a coffee date tomorrow with one of them.

So, it is not about him dating others. It is the BS EXCUSE he gave me! HE said he wanted to talk more to me that day after dinner. I said yes. So I was yes expecting to talk to him after dinner. He then didn't message anything and came up with that excuse. The EXCUSE is my concern, not the dating others at this stage.

So again I ask, let's assume he did white lie, how would you have felt if he had told you the reason was because he was out with or chatting with another woman and lost track of time?  

Something he might say to frat buddy or something, would that have made you feel better? 

And where was the "promise" to call after dinner?  You wrote he said he "would like to talk after dinner" is that a promise to call after dinner?

I'm not reading it that way, and my attitude would be, if he calls great, if not, we'll chat later.  

Why?  Because I'm flexible!  Versus, uptight, rigid, distrustful.  We haven't met, I'm not invested, no expectations.

I dunno, I'm really SMH here LB, you have not even met yet, what's going on?  

I don't like to assume but is your general distrust of men so severe you cannot allow for the slightest deviation?  

If you think he's a player, then next him and keep searching.  

 

 

[trident_2020]

Lots of people multidate until they find someone to settle down with and they might not be honest and forthcoming about how they’re spending their time until they’ve met and a relative is ultimately established. Expectations are too high in this case because if all the wasted time texting back and forth. 

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

red flag: The promises of  "we will have dinner" that never happens.

I agree.  OP from now on when a guy says this to you say "Cool, call me when you're ready" and stop contact until he does.  Stop the messaging with these guys.

[ladybug2021]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

So again I ask, let's assume he did white lie, how would you have felt if he had told you the reason was because he was out with or chatting with another woman and lost track of time?  

Something he might say to frat buddy or something, would that have made you feel better? 

And where was the "promise" to call after dinner?  You wrote he said he "would like to talk after dinner" is that a promise to call after dinner?

I'm not reading it that way, and my attitude would be, if he calls great, if not, we'll chat later.  

Why?  Because I'm flexible!  Versus, uptight, rigid, distrustful.  We haven't met, I'm not invested, no expectations.

I dunno, I'm really SMH here LB, you have not even met yet, what's going on?  

I don't like to assume but is your general distrust of men so severe you cannot allow for the slightest deviation?  

If you think he's a player, then next him and keep searching.  

 

 

Well I act with integrity in all my interactions with people, not only after we are in a relationship.

He did ask me if I wanted to talk after dinner. I said yes. And then he didn’t message anything and came back with that excuse. I wouldn’t do this, because I act with integrity, but that is me.

Being flexible? Absolutely. Being stupid? No way.

[ladybug2021]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

I agree.  OP from now on when a guy says this to you say "Cool, call me when you're ready" and stop contact until he does.  Stop the messaging with these guys.

I asked the guy today about setting up the date and he was like ‘ yeah let’s do that, I can today or tomorrow, or any day, you choose’. I dunno, it just felt so ackward.

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

red flag, intense texting for weeks with someone you haven't met yet. This usually means they are keeping you on the hook and most likely keeping their options open. 

Yes of course he's keeping options open, so should she be!  They have not met.

And she's "intense" texting too, does that mean she's keeping him on the hook?  

Again, they have not met.  Anything goes.  He's chatting with others, she's chatting with others.  There is no "keeping on the hook" at this point imo.

And would someone please tell me where he "promised" to call after dinner?  I missed it.

If you mean him telling her he wouid like to talk after dinner, that's not a promise imo.

 

 

[d0nnivain]

I don't see lack of integrity here so much as somebody who is casual with language.  You took his statement about talking after dinner as binding when he didn't mean it that way. 

Again, the excuse about leaving the phone home was BS but in the context . . .it wouldn't have upset me as much as it is upsetting you.

 

When he gave you the choice did you pick or just wallow in the awkwardness of it all? 

Edited December 11, 2020 by d0nnivain