So I did a thing. NC support

[BourneWicked]

Well here I am 4 years later. 

I need help and support. It has dwindled to less and less, I've tried NC multiple times, more than I can count, and fallen off when he reached out. 

He works with me, in a different state. I need a new job but I love my job and financially can't leave. There is no reason for us to interact anymore at work. 

So at last I did the thing I should have done a long time ago. I told him not to contact me in any form or I will share whatever he sends me with his wife. 

Here's what ultimately hurt; when someone keeps calling you a friend but for a while it seemed like so much more. When someone is happy to keep you for emotional support on a 9 to 5 basis and call you a friend, but all their real friends are available all hours, talk and text. They ive in the daylight, not shadows.

It's funny because he now talks daily with a guy and he actually slept with that guy's wife many years back. Office bottom feeder. I wonder if that guy knows about it. Bet he thinks he's a great friend too. 

I tried counseling but didn't connect. The hardest thing I have to work on now is finding friends that I feel understand me (this was the biggest appeal of the "continued friendship" we had a startling amount of similarities and identical reactions to things). The next hardest thing is this feeling of inferiority that comes from my childhood that let me stay in something like this, some stupid limbo area where I was in love with some fantasy that will never exist. 

Here's to starting 2021 resolutions a little early. Think I'll binge on some hallmark movies and self care this weekend. 

I've failed in the past. This time I believe I will succeed. With this: if I do receive contact I will come here and ask for next steps. Which are? Forward to his wife. We could have a great convo I'm sure. 

The plus side is that he's a coward so I have very little concern that he will reach out as I've never threatened that before. It would be the end of his marriage and he knows it. 

My biggest fear is seeing him a couple years down the road when travel happens post covid. I need to be a different person then, so that I will not accept someone's extra time when they are bored like it's something special... just because I think they are funny, smart, handsome... blah blah blah. 

Jeezus what an absolute waste of time that was. I will miss the so called friendship, but it was drugs and secrets and not true friendship. My ideal, I've said before, would be literally to erase him from my memory because it's so hard to move on from these scraps I was getting. 

I'm feeling sad but strong. Please post your success and encouragement stories below!

Edited December 11, 2020 by BourneWicked
Typo

[BlindsidedTwice]

I haven’t posted here in almost a year, but I just felt so compelled to respond to you with some encouragement.

You sound so incredibly STRONG!! As much as it seriously hurts, congrats on getting to this place. You have picked an excellent New Years resolution and you have an excellent plan on how to keep it. 

Stick with NC and you WILL be a different person in a couple of years. You will be happier and even stronger, and no one will be able to mess with you like this again. 

I am cheering you on from behind the screen. YOU GOT THIS! Enjoy lots of Hallmark movies and self care for as long as you need! 😊 Treat yourself kindly. You’ve made the best decision you could've ever made for yourself.  

[BourneWicked]

Thank you thank you BlindsidedTwice!! I appreciate you taking the time to give me some encouragement. I look forward to the day I see this with the lens of other relationship failures with "WTH was I thinking"

[jah526]

Hi Bourne,

Keep trying till it succeeds. I guess I was lucky in that once I told him to get lost, he actually did. What worked for me is realizing I have an addiction when it comes to him. I figure it’s ok to have thoughts, even now, but I just don’t have to act on it. It works for me.

Good luck, and I hope it sticks this time. We’re all worth more than crumbs, you know?

[BourneWicked]

Oh Jah, this is what really scares me, that several years in the future I'll still have this addiction and thought loop with him. I agree, no one should accept crumbs, in any form of relationship. 

One of the things that hurt the most was when I sort of kept cutting back on contact (no calls, no video), because I was trying to fix the way I viewed him. When I still thoughts "friends" was do-able. And he said this has been better and easier for him. Less of me was easier for him... but none of me was really hard. For me, I hear this as "when we have just a little contact, I can use you to fill those voids in my life and that's good enough for me. But when you are gone completely, I have to confront that I hurt you and caused you pain through my actions that's why you're gone. Plus I have no one to share my emotions and struggles with when it's convenient/I'm at work and bored." Probably, just hearing that he really did view me as a friend (that he regularly crossed boundaries with) whereas for me it has always been, will always be more. I would always want more of him in my life... and he said less and less of me felt fine for him. Ouch. 

It was honest, and I appreciated that. There was a kindness in that response. If he'd said like "I will make a plan to see you, but it will take a couple months," I would have hung out, puppet-on-a-string-style, indefinitely, lapping up every last crumb. It's not like I haven't heard this same message before, but I decided to really hear it this time, and do something about it. 

I'm doing ok, but still the thinking about him. I don't know how to get away from that. Last night (this is the second time I dreamed this) I dreamed he was gay. I don't think he actually is (I mean it's possible, but I don't think so) but that was what my brain concocted because it doesn't want to accept "he simply does not love you. you are not a priority for him, and never will be. You are a convenient escape." But gay? I could deal with that... heck he really could be my gay best friend, for-ever! My brain got the notice that I cut off it's favorite drug supply, and it's not too happy with me. 

Anyway, weekend is fine. He was never there anyway. My challenge is the work week. I need to find other people I can share and connect with; that will be the hardest part. The loneliness of not having a """friend""" to share my daily experiences with. To hear music and not think of him.

[BourneWicked]

Feeling kind of sad today and just putting it here. Miss all the talking about nothing. 

Overall it's good. Friend, lover, whatever. I will not accept a relationship where I am a secret. Don't miss the feeling of secrecy, shame, and never quite trusting. 

My brain did a little chase down that trail of "what if he was gay." Like looking for some excuse to reach out. Well brain, that would be a pretty desperate one. "So I know I told you to buzz off, but just wanted to discuss if your sexual hangups were related to secret feelings of being gay? Yes? No? Maybe? Ok well good day sir, same threat about telling your wife still applies!"

Sigh. I miss my friend. The one who made me laugh, day after day. The one who said good morning... 5 out of 7 days, anyway. 

I dont miss never knowing where I stood. If I was a friend or something more. The stab every time he told me some new great plan of something to do... that didn't involve me. The silence on weekends, the surprise disappearances. The pain of meeting, knowing it would be over in a blink. 

At the most basic of what I would be able to accept would be an open friendship (not saying I could do it - just saying my bare minimum level of acceptance requires the ability for me to talk to and about my friends, and the vice versa, no secrecy).    This minimum cannot be met in this relationship. My SO is aware of him, but his wife and friends will never be aware of me.

Not sure if I read here or somewhere random on the internet: basic deal making principal: when a deal on your terms is not possible, you must walk away. And never look back. 

NC day 4.

Not that I'm counting 

[Birdies]

The longer you hold out, the easier it gets.  Once you break NC, you restart to zero and have to do it all over again.  It's the worst.  I could never keep NC, but we also work together so it was kind of a lost cause.  (We had a D-Day and are actually now happily married.....)

Good luck to you!

[Birdies]

On 12/11/2020 at 7:04 PM, jah526 said:

Hi Bourne,

Keep trying till it succeeds. I guess I was lucky in that once I told him to get lost, he actually did. What worked for me is realizing I have an addiction when it comes to him. I figure it’s ok to have thoughts, even now, but I just don’t have to act on it. It works for me.

Good luck, and I hope it sticks this time. We’re all worth more than crumbs, you know?

Hi Jah - I remember you from when I was posting here like 5 years ago!  I hope you are doing well ❤️

[snowcones]

This article may make you feel better. Hugs.

https://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/a52659/the-other-woman-deserves-sympathy-too/

[jah526]

7 hours ago, Birdies said:

Hi Jah - I remember you from when I was posting here like 5 years ago!  I hope you are doing well ❤️

Hi Birdies, I remember you too. 😊 You helped me out a lot. Doing ok, just decided to stick around because the people here are nice (mostly). Hope you’re well too.

[mark clemson]

On 12/11/2020 at 8:20 AM, BourneWicked said:

Here's to starting 2021 resolutions a little early. Think I'll binge on some hallmark movies and self care this weekend.

Self care is fine, but I'd consider staying away from relationship drama and "poignancy" type stuff unless you feel you are handling it well. I think upping the emotions via entertainment can actually be your enemy sometimes with things like this.

[BourneWicked]

Thanks for the responses and the resource. Re: the hallmark movies -its replacing a fantasy with a fantasy. This has been less and less over time... so I don't see it as making me sad, it's more like a "oh this romantic scene was never even a possibility for us", reaffirming the dumbness of the situation. But yeah some music and tv I have been avoiding

 

Couldn't sleep last night. I'm glad I've given him room to move on with his life, and me mine. That's what I'm clinging to when I'm feeling bad about how I ended it and how he might be hurting. Wish I could leave my job... it feels like the bandaid rip would be so much easier vs. knowing I can contact, but must not. 

Need to make a list of things to do to keep me distracted. Take care everyone. 

Day 5. Maybe when I notice it's day 100 it won't hurt anymore. 

[Crazelnut]

Sending a vHug. Stay with it. Retrain your neural wiring -- Every time you start to think fondly of him or the high you'd get from interacting with him, replace that thought with one where he is a negative. One where he treats you like crap or one where he goes on vacation with his wife. You can do this! It's hard, but it's the best for you. 

[BourneWicked]

On 12/15/2020 at 10:54 AM, Birdies said:

The longer you hold out, the easier it gets.  Once you break NC, you restart to zero and have to do it all over again.  It's the worst.  I could never keep NC, but we also work together so it was kind of a lost cause.  (We had a D-Day and are actually now happily married.....)

Good luck to you!

Also I wanted to say I'm happy for you Birdies. I don't think we get into these situations because we're bad people... most of us it's because of attraction and maybe love. Despite my angry remarks, I really cared about this person. 

Last night I thought of something I hadn't thought of for a long time... the very first spark I'd had with him. He'd sent an email and it was clever, a little uncertain about his cleverness, and beautifully written. And I thought... this person is on my level. He speaks my language. We both had different, lower jobs then. It was the first time I found him beautiful, years before I ever met him. 

Your love story worked out, and that is great.

For me, love looks like letting go. 

[Birdies]

8 hours ago, BourneWicked said:

Also I wanted to say I'm happy for you Birdies. I don't think we get into these situations because we're bad people... most of us it's because of attraction and maybe love. Despite my angry remarks, I really cared about this person. 

Last night I thought of something I hadn't thought of for a long time... the very first spark I'd had with him. He'd sent an email and it was clever, a little uncertain about his cleverness, and beautifully written. And I thought... this person is on my level. He speaks my language. We both had different, lower jobs then. It was the first time I found him beautiful, years before I ever met him. 

Your love story worked out, and that is great.

For me, love looks like letting go. 

Letting go is almost always the best option in these scenarios! I really hope you can get through it ok. Hang in there. The only way past it is through it! 

[Birdies]

On 12/15/2020 at 5:29 PM, jah526 said:

Hi Birdies, I remember you too. 😊 You helped me out a lot. Doing ok, just decided to stick around because the people here are nice (mostly). Hope you’re well too.

❤️❤️ Glad you are doing ok! I am pretty well myself, despite some 2020-esque tough stuff..... my son has some chronic medical issues, and we are now doing IVF, so that all is a barrel of laughs 😆🙄 But, all in all I feel fortunate. I hope you have a relaxing holiday season ❤️

[BourneWicked]

Today I am feeling weak and sad. 

The part I am missing the most.. is how I used to laugh all day at work, every day. Share my thoughts and feelings, every day. Throw a line out in the dark, the blackness of the internet, and get something funny, clever, insightful tossed back. Now it's just... work and silence.  

There was the bad, and I keep coming back to that. But I miss the friendship today, I miss the person who made me laugh, the person who got my sense of humor, who thought I was funny too. 

I keep coming back to: all of my other friends, male and female, I can shoot a text to and I am not a secret in their life. That a true friendship should not make you feel like less, like not good enough.

He was my person. He was someone else's person. 

There will be another person who is my tribe again. Who has the same thoughts and reactions to almost everything, who feels like an extension of myself. Who doesn't keep me a secret, who says I am their best friend and wants the world to know about me.  

I want to erase his existence from my mind, so I don't need to feel this sadness. 

[BourneWicked]

And back to add that literally venting has made me feel better... the thought shift is difficult. I glanced back at some old discussions, and it was a helpful reminder to see how much of it was just about him living his life and it having nothing to do with me. I'm listening to some funny music videos while I work and it's helping.

I have a three year plan for a new job, because this is the best job I've ever had and financially I cannot leave. Maybe three years from now this will mean nothing to me.

I hope so. 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, BourneWicked said:

 Maybe three years from now this will mean nothing to me. I hope so. 

That's likely, as we eventually process these things. There may always be a "trace" but a trace isn't much. Like the old B/GFs/crushes from high school and college, etc, it's a non-issue. Continuing to find ways to enjoy yourself, "move on", and continuing to grow your identity in ways that he's not a part of is wise. Gradually it will be a bit like a pot or tool that gets overgrown by ivy. There's a sort of lump there, but it doesn't have much significance or stop you from enjoying yourself and (in your case) starting new relationships.

Edited January 20, 2021 by mark clemson

[jah526]

11 hours ago, BourneWicked said:

The part I am missing the most.. is how I used to laugh all day at work, every day. Share my thoughts and feelings, every day. Throw a line out in the dark, the blackness of the internet, and get something funny, clever, insightful tossed back. Now it's just... work and silence.  

I get that, and I think it’s what makes leaving so difficult. For many of us it’s a choice between a roller coaster and emptiness. I get why people choose the roller coaster. I’m in a situation now where I’m letting go of someone who I have a good time with but who occasionally hurts my feelings, and it makes me sad. I don’t know that there is a good solution. I’m trying to refocus my energy into doing things I like, or finding out what it is that I enjoy, and into my relationships with other people. 

[BourneWicked]

 

I dreamed about him, and the emptiness. Him not being there, him being with other friends. It's the reality, but it was always the reality.

Thanks Mark for the response, and your example is great. I have to know that it will become like one of those other relationships - just a bump on the road, but I'm in a different place now. This one was the closest one I've ever had... so it's harder. The others were easier to write off because they were less deep, they were not so close to my heart. They didn't "get" me. This one though... the write off comes in the inherent flaws in the relationship, the ones where I was a lie and a secret.

Jah - have you voiced what hurts your feelings? I have discovered on this journey that I am not great at voicing my feelings; I much prefer to pretend I don't have any at all! 

The letting go is hard. I have also discovered on this journey that I am not great at opening up and making new friends. Part of that is that I'm particular, and I have a long list of items that are important to me in a friendship, so I basically don't find myself coming to that point at all or pursuing intimacy in a relationship. (Sidebar - last night I was at my kids class, listening to two sets of girlfriends talk while I did some work. The first set I found incredibly dull, surface level, gossip. The second set was more interesting - a doctor maybe, talking about a potential patient diagnosis - but still surface level, money, houses, peloton, the other friend talked about how her husband traveled for weeks at a time--and one of their husbands had the same name as former AP!--and all I could think from their convo was the likelihood the traveler had an affair. But here, two sets of women connecting, and their connections were not what I wanted) This has made me think that I just really need to get out to more activities that are related to my passions, and meet more people, and somewhere in those hundreds will be that couple that are my tribe. Really, the affair reflects a loneliness in my soul, a need for connection. 

I think there is something between emptiness and the roller coaster - and that's meaningful connection. But maybe it can be even harder to find than the roller coaster ride. 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/11/2020 at 11:20 AM, BourneWicked said:

Well here I am 4 years later. 

I need help and support. It has dwindled to less and less, I've tried NC multiple times, more than I can count, and fallen off when he reached out. 

He works with me, in a different state. I need a new job but I love my job and financially can't leave. There is no reason for us to interact anymore at work. 

So at last I did the thing I should have done a long time ago. I told him not to contact me in any form or I will share whatever he sends me with his wife. 

Here's what ultimately hurt; when someone keeps calling you a friend but for a while it seemed like so much more. When someone is happy to keep you for emotional support on a 9 to 5 basis and call you a friend, but all their real friends are available all hours, talk and text. They ive in the daylight, not shadows.

It's funny because he now talks daily with a guy and he actually slept with that guy's wife many years back. Office bottom feeder. I wonder if that guy knows about it. Bet he thinks he's a great friend too. 

I tried counseling but didn't connect. The hardest thing I have to work on now is finding friends that I feel understand me (this was the biggest appeal of the "continued friendship" we had a startling amount of similarities and identical reactions to things). The next hardest thing is this feeling of inferiority that comes from my childhood that let me stay in something like this, some stupid limbo area where I was in love with some fantasy that will never exist. 

Here's to starting 2021 resolutions a little early. Think I'll binge on some hallmark movies and self care this weekend. 

I've failed in the past. This time I believe I will succeed. With this: if I do receive contact I will come here and ask for next steps. Which are? Forward to his wife. We could have a great convo I'm sure. 

The plus side is that he's a coward so I have very little concern that he will reach out as I've never threatened that before. It would be the end of his marriage and he knows it. 

My biggest fear is seeing him a couple years down the road when travel happens post covid. I need to be a different person then, so that I will not accept someone's extra time when they are bored like it's something special... just because I think they are funny, smart, handsome... blah blah blah. 

Jeezus what an absolute waste of time that was. I will miss the so called friendship, but it was drugs and secrets and not true friendship. My ideal, I've said before, would be literally to erase him from my memory because it's so hard to move on from these scraps I was getting. 

I'm feeling sad but strong. Please post your success and encouragement stories below!

Get on some quality dating apps with a good profile and pics. Involve yourself in your own life. Interests, taking classes, volunteering, reconnecting with friends, family former colleague and classmates, neighbors, etc.

Don't look for "friends who understand you". Look to understand people.

Keep in mind cheating snakes mirror as a gimmick to keep you hooked, it's as much of a lie as the rest of the whole affair. So the whole "they get me",. "we're soulmates" thing is mirage.

Affairs are easy and lazy. Someone comes to you, pretending to be what you want. Like your very own romcom where you're the star.

But alas, like movies, none of it is real and everyone was just acting.

[SMoore]

So true.  6 and a half months into NC and finally I am feeling my way back to normal.  It’s really hard if you get stuck in the romantic regret mode.  It started to turn around for me when I genuinely accepted that my fairy tale was a lie.  Acting as though a wish is real is just lying.  Lying to those around you, lying to yourself, lying to your AP.  One of the first big hurdles was accepting that she lied.  She was infatuated but the love didn’t go any deeper - her promises were lies.  She didn’t intend them to be, but they were.  Months after that, one of the last hurdles was accepting that I had lied too.  That I was infatuated just like her.  That one came as a shock, as I believed it was the real deal.  Once you accept these things deeply then a way forward seems possible and even interesting.

Our brains lie to us when we are in limerence.  I had a beautiful dream about a version of me and a version of her, but neither version really existed.  And the loss of that was real and profound and so unutterably sad.  Such sadness about something that was only ever in my head!

Accept that it wasn’t real and you’ll be free.

Took ages for me to get where I am today, and even now I can sense the pull of romantic regret.  But it’s so much weaker now.

It was all a lie.

The best meaningful connection you can have is with yourself.  Once that’s solid, the other stuff falls into place one way or another.

[BourneWicked]

Thanks wiseman for your response. I like the reminder that it's a gimmick, that it seems like they are everything you want - but it's easy to make someone who just brushes the edges of your life into the "perfect person". Ah I think I struggle because I do seek to understand people. I take in their information and try to learn about them. But that's all it is... now I have a wealth of information about someone else's life but no real interest to deepen that relationship from my side. I need an eharmony for friendship or something.

Oh - I don't need to go dating, I have a significant other. He knows about the relationship (dday about a year and a half ago), and he let me continue it, probably in part recognizing that right now, with covid, it won't become anything physical. The emotional part seemed to bother him less but obviously, probably like for many men, the few times it had become physical was what he wasn't super happy with. 

But I do need more friendships. The loneliness since ending this is the hardest part.

 

Edited January 23, 2021 by BourneWicked

[BourneWicked]

SMoore, your comments mean a lot to me. Hearing that you are doing okay-ish 6 months out is huge. I wish I could fast forward to that place. What scares me... I was gone for 3 months, one email in all that time, and I still thought about him. The relationship still picked back up. I hope, I hope, just a few more months is all it takes to see him the way I see any other guy from my past. Just "some guy". 

Accepting that it wasn't real.. yeah. Any sort of relationship was not real at all. There are many ways that I don't even know who he is. Like, I don't see him get out of bed first thing in the morning, I don't know what he does or how he acts. I do know a lot of his habits from us talking - but there's just so much that I don't even know if I would like about him. 

The part that felt real - was where we told each other our thoughts and feelings, and laughed. Basically, all day, we laughed at each others sense of humor. That is the really, really hard part. There used to be so much fun in my day and now... I just punch in and out like everyone else. 

And this is the part I circle around and struggle with. But it's sort of on a loop - "I wish I could be friends again. He was my best friend, and he told me he felt the same about me. No, he wasn't my best friend, because his real best friend is (this guy) that he hangs out with on a weekly basis. Oh yeah, and that guy is someone that can call and text him whenever he wants. That guy is someone his wife has met, and he spends time with him and his wife. Because that's what real friends do" 

I also got obsessed that maybe he had slept with this other coworker that he'd had a fling with prior to me. The other "oops" in his otherwise perfect marriage. And then I remind myself... were we really friends, I wouldn't get hung up on this thought. With my actual friends, do I think about "maybe they're screwing so and so?" Nope, never. The guys, the girls, I accept what they tell me at face value... because I don't care... because I trust them... because it's not my business, because they are actual friends. 

No matter how much I smiled and laughed, no matter how close we felt, no matter how much it felt real and special, it was all just garbage. 

Over time, he would spend less time popping back at work to check if I was there, etc, so the weekend deadzones really finally helped me to get to a place of knowing that it wasn't anything real. Even if he does divorce his wife some day, I will have been this dirty secret that he wants to forget. He would probably marry that friend of his wife's who recently divorced that he said was "my favorite person - well, other than you". Or some bartender he visits weekly. Or who TF cares. 

Not my problem. 

 

It helps to vent these thoughts. When I go a day without thinking of him... I will feel like I've finally won, I've finally escaped.