Author BourneWicked Posted January 23, 2021 Author Share Posted January 23, 2021 Oh and just one more quick comment about being happy with oneself, and creating that relationship. Overall, I'm pretty happy with myself. I like who I am, I'm a driven person with a lot of interests and passions. Hard working, smart, etc. But I keep reading that affairs are a lot about a deep need for external validation. Which is funny - because I don't see myself as someone who needs external validation at all. But it seems this could be the case... so that's a huge focus area for me. How do I meet my own need, especially one I didn't realize existed. Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 (edited) On 1/21/2021 at 11:21 PM, SMoore said: So true. 6 and a half months into NC and finally I am feeling my way back to normal. It’s really hard if you get stuck in the romantic regret mode. It started to turn around for me when I genuinely accepted that my fairy tale was a lie. Acting as though a wish is real is just lying. Lying to those around you, lying to yourself, lying to your AP. One of the first big hurdles was accepting that she lied. She was infatuated but the love didn’t go any deeper - her promises were lies. She didn’t intend them to be, but they were. Months after that, one of the last hurdles was accepting that I had lied too. That I was infatuated just like her. That one came as a shock, as I believed it was the real deal. Once you accept these things deeply then a way forward seems possible and even interesting. Our brains lie to us when we are in limerence. I had a beautiful dream about a version of me and a version of her, but neither version really existed. And the loss of that was real and profound and so unutterably sad. Such sadness about something that was only ever in my head! Accept that it wasn’t real and you’ll be free. Took ages for me to get where I am today, and even now I can sense the pull of romantic regret. But it’s so much weaker now. It was all a lie. The best meaningful connection you can have is with yourself. Once that’s solid, the other stuff falls into place one way or another. I need to hear this -I’m in a similar situation and recognise the romantic regret . I realise I’m looking at my affair with rose tinted glasses and putting him on a pedestal he doesn’t deserve. Reality tells me that I never knew him just a version of him . It was a lie . I think the way he treated me at the end was the real person which was pretty ugly -I’m focusing on this not the fairy tale Edited January 28, 2021 by Snakesalive Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 On 1/20/2021 at 6:37 PM, mark clemson said: That's likely, as we eventually process these things. There may always be a "trace" but a trace isn't much. Like the old B/GFs/crushes from high school and college, etc, it's a non-issue. Continuing to find ways to enjoy yourself, "move on", and continuing to grow your identity in ways that he's not a part of is wise. Gradually it will be a bit like a pot or tool that gets overgrown by ivy. There's a sort of lump there, but it doesn't have much significance or stop you from enjoying yourself and (in your case) starting new relationships. I love this example Link to post Share on other sites
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