Can't reason with my bff about her online dating mistakes

[princessaurora]

I have a friend who has been online dating for over 20 years and she has never gotten past a few dates. She's never been married, nor does she have kids(46). She's aged well, so she has no problem getting dates, but she keeps sleeping with them right away and then they blow her off shortly after.  I told her this is probably part of the reason she can't find a keeper, but she refuses to consider that affects anything. She got discouraged late last year and decided to give it a rest. Now she's back on and has been talking to a guy for a few weeks who lives in another state, She's going to fly to his city soon and stay with an old  female friend who lives there, but ultimately she's going to spend time with him. She said they are so similar it's crazy and they're already talking about her moving there if they hit it off.  They both are looking for something serious. I'm concerned this guy is either lovebombing her or she's going to mess it up by having sex with him right away.  I tried to be supportive but am generally concerned about her well being. How do I get her to listen to reason without her getting angry at me? 

[Wiseman2]

She may be into ONS, NSA sex, but doesn't want to admit it. Otherwise she wouldn't keep doing it. It seems like she simply enjoys a sharing her drama and adventures with you but is not looking for tips/advice. 

Let her share, as long as it's interesting to you then change the subject or  wrap up the convo. It may be fun to live vicariously through her carefree adventures.

Edited December 11, 2020 by Wiseman2

[princessaurora]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She may be into ONS, NSA sex, but doesn't want to admit it. Otherwise she wouldn't keep doing it. It seems like she simply enjoys a sharing her drama and adventures with you but is not looking for tips/advice. 

Let her share, as long as it's interesting to you then change the subject or  wrap up the convo. It may be fun to live vicariously through her carefree adventures.

I don't think that's the case. She cries when they dump her and she said she wants so badly to have a lifelong partner. I know she loves sex but if she wants them to stick around, she needs to let there be at least a little buildup. But after all these years, you'd think at least one would have stuck around. Maybe she's a terrible lover? 

[Ruby Slippers]

You can't make anyone take advice they don't want to take. The best you can do is listen and be supportive. 

I don't think having sex too soon is necessarily the problem. Lots of women on this forum talk about how they had sex on the first date with men they've been with for many years. A couple of times I had sex pretty early and the man still brought up marriage within 6 months.

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I don't think having sex too soon is necessarily the problem. Lots of women on this forum talk about how they had sex on the first date with men they've been with for many years. A couple of times I had sex pretty early and the man still brought up marriage within 6 months.

I believe it is because some women just scream marriage/GF/Long term relationship material, so sex early or late is OK.
Whilst other women scream ONS/FB/FWB/fling/short term gf material.
It is not necessarily the early sex that puts them into this category but if they provide early sex it helps to seal their fate.
I guess your friend is in the latter category.
None of the men she dated saw her as a long term prospect, merely a bit of fun. 

[d0nnivain]

You don't.   You let her live her life & make her mistakes.  When she wises up, she will change her own behavior.  Until then there is nothing you can do. 

[Miss Spider]

GIRL I have the exact same problem with two of my friends. One is hopeless,  but the other one is still bad. It is so horrible to watch. She chooses men that are wrong for her on so many levels. Most likely, there’s nothing you can do.

you can point out all of the things that are going wrong, but ultimately she is going to have to find out for herself. It is like watching someone whose breaks went out fly through a highway . There’s really nothing you can do about it. I try not to get involved too much in matters of the heart unless they ask me too/ 

Edited December 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[princessaurora]

Thanks for everyone's input. It's just hard to watch her go through this over and over again. She also contracted hsv from one of them a few years ago, so there's that additional issue, though there are alot of people who have it, so maybe it won't deter too many of them. Oh well, I just pray for her safety and hope her latest potential soulmate doesn't turn out to be a serial killer.  

[Fletch Lives]

A three date rule or even a two month rule would be good for that one. But she does not take your advice. Don't feel bad, most people don't take advice and have to learn the hard way.

I would keep giving advice but then sit back and watch the show - be her friend and ask her about it and listen to her stories. But then I love to hear the dirt - that's why I'm here! 😄

I have a lady friend who was being used by a married guy for years.....she takes my advice to a point and has done well to cut contact - but not completely..... she still stalks his Facebook and wishes him happy birthday. I keep telling her to cut the cord so she can move on.

For some people, it's too painful to watch. 

[Pumaza]

She is beyond adult.

So by now she onow what she is doing. You told her few times,now stepback.Dont get involved.

Some people love to learn the hard way.

Till she work on her selfrsteem she wont learn.

If you keep jumping in warning her same thing, you gonna look like a hater.😭😂

At the end its her life,her choices.

[ShyViolet]

You are not going to be able to get her to listen to reason.  You can't control what she does; you are not her mom and not her therapist.  She is a 46-year-old woman who can make her own decisions.  If she's been doing stuff like this for 20 years then she should have figured out by now that it's not working out for her; unless there is in fact something about it that she enjoys or gets a kick out of.  She sounds like not the most responsible or stable person.  There is absolutely nothing you can do about that.  If you've already told her once how you feel about this, and she's chosen not to take your advice, then just back off.  It's not your place to fix her life.

[Miss Spider]

16 hours ago, Pumaza said:

 

Some people love to learn the hard way.

 

And some people never learn at all

[salparadise]

On 12/11/2020 at 1:32 PM, Ruby Slippers said:

I don't think having sex too soon is necessarily the problem. Lots of women on this forum talk about how they had sex on the first date with men they've been with for many years.

I agree. There is something else that makes them not see her as relationship material. Maybe she gets needy and possessive after early sex, or starts planning the future before the next date. Who knows, but if the same thing keeps happening it's almost certainly the way she's conducting her interactions. Men will put up with a lot to keep the sex flowing, so it must be egregious.

[Emilie Jolie]

On 12/11/2020 at 5:36 PM, princessaurora said:

I have a friend who has been online dating for over 20 years

That's a long time. I've never heard of anyone doing online dating for that long.

 

On 12/11/2020 at 5:36 PM, princessaurora said:

Now she's back on and has been talking to a guy for a few weeks who lives in another state, She's going to fly to his city soon and stay with an old  female friend who lives there, but ultimately she's going to spend time with him. She said they are so similar it's crazy and they're already talking about her moving there if they hit it off.  They both are looking for something serious. I'm concerned this guy is either lovebombing her or she's going to mess it up by having sex with him right away

She sounds a bit vulnerable. She's not seeing the signs right in front of her (I've been there). If she's being hoodwinked into thinking this guy is the real deal (some guys have got that skill), at least tell her to meet him in a crowded place, preferably not on her own. It really doesn't matter about her age or sexual history, her judgement here is not sound and you're right to be concerned. 

Do you know the friend she's staying with? Can you ask her to keep an eye on her? Sounds like she needs a guardian angel to guide her through this.

[princessaurora]

3 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Do you know the friend she's staying with? Can you ask her to keep an eye on her? Sounds like she needs a guardian angel to guide her through this.

She's an old friend of hers from the military. I've never met her before but I know they've known each other a long time. 

[princessaurora]

3 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

She sounds a bit vulnerable. She's not seeing the signs right in front of her (I've been there). If she's being hoodwinked into thinking this guy is the real deal (some guys have got that skill), at least tell her to meet him in a crowded place, preferably not on her own. It really doesn't matter about her age or sexual history, her judgement here is not sound and you're right to be concerned. 

No, she's so eager to find a man she seems to look at them all with rose tinted glasses. Almost all her friends are married or in LTR's so I think she's feels a little isolated. Maybe this whole thing will fizzle out before she goes to meet him. If not, I'll just be supportive and pray for her safety. 

[princessaurora]

8 hours ago, salparadise said:

I agree. There is something else that makes them not see her as relationship material. Maybe she gets needy and possessive after early sex, or starts planning the future before the next date. Who knows, but if the same thing keeps happening it's almost certainly the way she's conducting her interactions. Men will put up with a lot to keep the sex flowing, so it must be egregious.

Yeah, it must be something with it going on for 20 years and even when she met guys the old fashioned way before that, they still lost interest pretty quick. I'd love to be a fly on the wall at one of her encounters and see what she's doing wrong. 

[princessaurora]

13 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You are not going to be able to get her to listen to reason.  You can't control what she does; you are not her mom and not her therapist.  She is a 46-year-old woman who can make her own decisions.  If she's been doing stuff like this for 20 years then she should have figured out by now that it's not working out for her; unless there is in fact something about it that she enjoys or gets a kick out of.  She sounds like not the most responsible or stable person.  There is absolutely nothing you can do about that.  If you've already told her once how you feel about this, and she's chosen not to take your advice, then just back off.  It's not your place to fix her life.

I don't lecture her. She gets upset and whines to me no guy will stay with her and then says she doesn't understand it. So I told her she might want to consider holding out on sex till she gets to know them better. It was just a suggestion since having sex on the 1st or 2nd meetup hasn't worked for her in 20 years. She's one of my oldest friends. I just want her to be happy and being dumped all the time depresses her and makes her feel undesirable. 

[Wiseman2]

Her life is unfolding as she wants it to. She just enjoys the drama queen role.

She likes an audience. If you're tired of the show, leave the conversation.

At some level you must know she doesn't want  advice. At some level you may enjoy the show.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, princessaurora said:

So I told her she might want to consider holding out on sex till she gets to know them better. It was just a suggestion since having sex on the 1st or 2nd meetup hasn't worked for her in 20 years. 

Correlation isn't causation.  Like a few others have written here, some I've had early sex with have turned into a relationship and some haven't.  The outcome may have been no different if I'd held off on sex.

I'm inclined to agree with @elaine567 that something else is going on.  What is she like as a person?   

 

[Emilie Jolie]

2 hours ago, princessaurora said:

No, she's so eager to find a man she seems to look at them all with rose tinted glasses. Almost all her friends are married or in LTR's so I think she's feels a little isolated. Maybe this whole thing will fizzle out before she goes to meet him. If not, I'll just be supportive and pray for her safety. 

There's not much else you can do, I guess. It's good she has good friends to fall back on. There are people who are socially vulnerable or naive that are just perfect targets for these sorts of things. Hopefully she'll find it in her to take a step back from this delusion. Has she shared the guy's identity? If so it might be worth helping her check his backstory (so difficult online, but at least check his employer or anything concrete that can be traced back to him - that's the most obvious thing), or at a minimum keep a note of his phone number in case anything happens - the more people know where she's going and who she's potentially meeting, the better.  That might help ground her back to reality.

Guardian angels can be life savers. 

 

[Blind-Sided]

On 12/11/2020 at 1:32 PM, Ruby Slippers said:

....I don't think having sex too soon is necessarily the problem. Lots of women on this forum talk about how they had sex on the first date with men they've been with for many years.......

 

On 12/11/2020 at 1:50 PM, elaine567 said:

I believe it is because some women just scream marriage/GF/Long term relationship material, so sex early or late is OK.
.........

 

7 hours ago, princessaurora said:

No, she's so eager to find a man she seems to look at them all with rose tinted glasses. ......... 

There are a few issues... but here's the real problem.   She is putting out a vibe of desperation, and it's turning guys off.   I've personally known 3 women like this in my life.   

1) First was an ex GF of youth. We broke up when I was in my early 20's because she was just a grumpy person... and kind of a slob. (We lived together for a short time)  But for years, she would cry to a common friend about not finding anyone.  And even our friend would tell me she is going out with guys, and basically giving herself away, and trying to make herself into a "Disney Princesses" to show how good she was.  In turn... the guys could see how fake she was, and they would be driven away.

2) One was a girl who wanted to date me.  She was newly divorced, with a young kid.  I was early 20's, and wasn't ready to be "Dad".   Just like my exGF above... she was overly nice, and trying to be my GF from the very first time we met. She invited herself to a camping trip my buddies and I planed, and then she contently forgot a tent.  So she slept in mine.  She tried to have relations with me... and I pushed her a way. I was actually being a jerk to drive her away... but it didn't work.  I eventually just had to say... I'm not interested. 

3) This one was after my divorce.  This girl was cute with emerald green eyes. (Very sexy)  But, I knew from a common friend she was sleeping with EVERYONE who she would go out with.  That's fun if we were going to date casually... but I'm now late 40's... and that's not what I was looking for.  

So... your friend could be a combination of any of those 3.   Giving it up easy is a turn off to a "Nice Guy"... and putting out a vibe of desperation, eagerness, or fakeness will drive away guys.

My 2 cents... take it for what it's worth. 

Edited December 13, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[Gaeta]

I had a friend like her. She jumped to bed early but would also tell these men she loved them on date 2 or 3. She also carried hsv-2 and would not tell her partner. When these men dropped her she would stalk them online and would even drive in front of their home to watch them. My friend was far from being an idiot, she was the manager of a bank for 25 years. She just lack complete emotional maturity, there is no pills for that.  I got fed up with her drama with the years. Our friendship was pretty one sided, it was mainly me listening to her drama all the time. I ended our friendship after 7 years of listening. 

Edited December 13, 2020 by Gaeta

[princessaurora]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm inclined to agree with @elaine567 that something else is going on.  What is she like as a person

She's an awesome person, the kind of girl who makes friends at the drop of a hat, and everyone loves her except the guys she dates. She's attractive, funny, adventurous.  She isn't humble about her looks at all though. She'll straight up tell anyone she's a great catch and always talks about how hot/pretty she is on social media. I would imagine if she does this on dates, it may be a turnoff for at least some men.  

[ShyViolet]

2 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

She'll straight up tell anyone she's a great catch and always talks about how hot/pretty she is on social media. I would imagine if she does this on dates, it may be a turnoff for at least some men.  

This explains a lot.  She sounds either shallow or immature.  This is probably part of the reason why she is only getting low-quality men and she has not been able to find a relationship that lasts.  This certainly would turn off most decent men.