Can't reason with my bff about her online dating mistakes

[princessaurora]

6 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Has she shared the guy's identity? If so it might be worth helping her check his backstory (so difficult online, but at least check his employer or anything concrete that can be traced back to him - that's the most obvious thing), or at a minimum keep a note of his phone number in case anything happens - the more people know where she's going and who she's potentially meeting, the better.  That might help ground her back to reality

She actually has all the apps to do her own research. She does a background check on all of them. This guy runs his own business. 

[princessaurora]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I had a friend like her. She jumped to bed early but would also tell these men she loved them on date 2 or 3. She also carried hsv-2 and would not tell her partner. When these men dropped her she would stalk them online and would even drive in front of their home to watch them. My friend was far from being an idiot, she was the manager of a bank for 25 years. She just lack complete emotional maturity, there is no pills for that.  I got fed up with her drama with the years. Our friendship was pretty one sided, it was mainly me listening to her drama all the time. I ended our friendship after 7 years of listening. 

I don't think she tells them she loves them, at least I would hope not. I know she doesn't disclose the hsv right away, though. My friend is no idiot either, she's a graphic designer and does very well for herself. Fortunately, our friendship is not one sided. She's always been there for me and we have alot of fun together.  But she always says how lucky I am to have found someone amazing  to share my life with and she wants the same. So as her friend, I would really like to see that happen for her.  

I did have a friend similar to yours though Gaeta. Our relationship was always all about her and eventually I kicked her to the curb. 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

 She's always been there for me and we have alot of fun together. 

That's the important part 🙂 Good friends like that are hard to find. Concentrate on the friendship and let her run her love life as she sees fit. She may surprise everyone and find someone one day. 

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, princessaurora said:

She actually has all the apps to do her own research. She does a background check on all of them. This guy runs his own business. 

I guess that's up to her what she wants to do. Sounds like too much risk for someone her age, tbh. I'd still suggest she be chaperoned but if she's a grown adult, there's nothing you can do. Whatever business this guy runs, they've just talked on the phone for a few weeks. Unless I'm missing a central piece of info, this sounds like a bad idea all round.

I still think you're right to be concerned for her safety, she sounds a bit vulnerable.

Edited December 13, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[Zona]

On 12/11/2020 at 11:02 AM, Wiseman2 said:

She may be into ONS, NSA sex, but doesn't want to admit it. 

Wow finally something I agree with you on! Had to happen eventually I guess. I think what you describe happens more than people think.

Now if a young woman who legitimately wants commitment has the problem of guys coming on strong, sleeping with them  and then ghosting after a short time, it is likely because she is dating out of her league. Those kind of guys (masculine, handsome, tall, loaded, good education and job, etc.) are more than happy to sleep with women who are in a lower league, because it's easy for them. Getting a 9 or 10 into bed ain't easy for anyone. They can be choosey  and usually are

If you want a shot at commitment, be realistic about the kind of person you should be dating. Not that you should settle for a loser, but maybe someone who isn't quite so tall or super handsome. If you are young (early 20's), if a guy has potential but is still a work in progress (diamond in the rough if you will), you will likely have better luck getting commitment from him than a guy in his 30's who is successful in life and well established.

Edited December 13, 2020 by Zona

[HiCrunchy]

2 hours ago, Zona said:

Wow finally something I agree with you on! Had to happen eventually I guess. I think what you describe happens more than people think.

Now if a young woman who legitimately wants commitment has the problem of guys coming on strong, sleeping with them  and then ghosting after a short time, it is likely because she is dating out of her league. Those kind of guys (masculine, handsome, tall, loaded, good education and job, etc.) are more than happy to sleep with women who are in a lower league, because it's easy for them. Getting a 9 or 10 into bed ain't easy for anyone. They can be choosey  and usually are

If you want a shot at commitment, be realistic about the kind of person you should be dating. Not that you should settle for a loser, but maybe someone who isn't quite so tall or super handsome. If you are young (early 20's), if a guy has potential but is still a work in progress (diamond in the rough if you will), you will likely have better luck getting commitment from him than a guy in his 30's who is successful in life and well established.

The bff is 46 years old

[MsJayne]

She may have the toxic mix of being attractive, lonely, and vulnerable,  while also having very low self esteem and a lack of confidence in her own judgement. It's not really about sleeping with people as soon as she meets them,  it's about the her inability to consider her own well-being.  A lot of women get used this way, not because they're a raging nympho but because they're so afraid of rejection that they'll go along with almost anything, which leads to.........rejection.  I have a friend in her 60's who has a similar story and it's hard to watch when the cycle starts again, (been going for thirty years), she meets the guy, she's all excited, it's a 'thing' for a couple of weeks, and then comes the inevitable bit where they start to fade her. She's very demanding of their attention with constant texts, emails, 'phone calls, and the fading happens when she's drained them of patience and turned them off with her neediness. This is the actual problem, the clinging desperation, nothing to do with sleeping with them. 

[Miss Spider]

I ask for a pic of all the guys one of my online friends is dating. I act like I just want to see how cute he is, but my real motive is to do an image search on him and find out what scam he is running, his identity, and what other stuff he’s lying about. I’m not typically this paranoid with online dating but she has been scammed out of money/lied to by felons, men with families etc  so many times. So far I have caught one of them before damage was done 

Edited December 13, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Emilie Jolie]

You sound like a caring friend, @Shortskirtslonglashes. She's lucky you have her back 🙂

[Andy_K]

On 12/11/2020 at 5:36 PM, princessaurora said:

I have a friend who has been online dating for over 20 years and she has never gotten past a few dates. She's never been married, nor does she have kids(46). She's aged well, so she has no problem getting dates, but she keeps sleeping with them right away and then they blow her off shortly after.  I told her this is probably part of the reason she can't find a keeper, but she refuses to consider that affects anything. She got discouraged late last year and decided to give it a rest. Now she's back on and has been talking to a guy for a few weeks who lives in another state, She's going to fly to his city soon and stay with an old  female friend who lives there, but ultimately she's going to spend time with him. She said they are so similar it's crazy and they're already talking about her moving there if they hit it off.  They both are looking for something serious. I'm concerned this guy is either lovebombing her or she's going to mess it up by having sex with him right away.  I tried to be supportive but am generally concerned about her well being. How do I get her to listen to reason without her getting angry at me? 

Ultimately, she's right. Having sex early isn't the problem. There are any number of couples you can find (and many people on this site) who will tell you that their relationship began with sex on the first date. There is a problem though, and that is her choice in men. If she keeps picking guys who are just after sex, that's all she's going to get no matter how long she waits before they get intimate.

If you want to help her, start looking at her screening process. Get a guy involved, they tend to be better at judging other guys - so ask your husband/boyfriend/brother or something, and show him profiles & messages from her suitors. If his reaction is 'The guy is a dick', listen to him!

[tempover100]

I have a friend similar to this! 

First, I just want to say you're a pretty awesome friend for caring about her well being. My friend like yours is intelligent, has a career, a home, is educated, has a social circle, etc. She is pretty conscious of her weight though, since she's quite overweight and has been her whole life. She always picks guys that give her attention, and then complains when they aren't a guy that will stick around long term and treat her like a serious girlfriend. She has either no vetting system or an unhealthy view of romantic relationships. I call these "sitatuionships" that she wants to turn into real lasting relationships, but it never works out that way.

She's currently hung up on a guy who she is seeing off/on again. He's really terrible for her. Divorced, has a child he's not involved with, promiscuous. And yet here she is, trying to convince him to do things a boyfriend would do, yet he doesn't want to settle down. They argue all the time. They are not compatible in the long term. She argues "if he loved me he'd do xyz". Not realizing he does not love her the way she needs to be loved. They drop eachother like hot potatoes sometimes. I give her advice all the time, and while she agrees, she goes back to him time and time again when she's lonely or he calls. She can't get out of her own way. Even when they block each other, he still reaches out or she finds a way to reach out. It's exhausting to listen to! I've had to detach myself from worrying about her future at times. She wants a husband and possibly kids. This guy will give her neither. "but our chemistry!" she claims. It's smoke and mirrors. I've just about scolded her like a concerned parent or older sister might and we're the same age!

I think her dating maturity is still like that of someone that is inexperienced (teenagers) - she was a late bloomer, but outside of that she does well for herself. Let's put it this way, he's the kind of guy that would probably impregnate her, than leave her high and dry. He's done it once before. There are no redeeming qualities about this guy besides their "chemistry". I sometimes think she's willing to die on this hill. And it's sad. It breaks my heart. But you can only do so much, listen and offer support when possible. And when it gets to be too much for you, you step back and hope your words went through their thick skull because you care about them. I've had to tell her I love her as a sister, but I cannot entertain her drama right now, and then try changing the subject. My friend needs to be open to analyzing her own behavior, figure out how she's also part of the equation, why she needs to control his actions, and/or at least not settle for the first douchebag that gives her the slightest bit of attention. I've yet to find the set of magic words to pull her out of this spell. 

 

[spiderowl]

It sounds like your friend is basing everything on her looks.  She thinks that looks alone are all you need for a relationship then wonders why guys sleep with her and then move on.

I get the impression that she needs to stop having sex too quickly, not because having sex early necessarily puts a guy off (though many say it does even though they wouldn't turn it down at the time), but because she is not getting to know them as people before getting physically involved.  They are not getting to know her as a person either.  Once a guy gets to know her, becomes attached to her personality, that is a different situation.  I would think most guys would be turned off if a girl boasted about her looks.  They would either think she was shallow or find it threatening that she was so good-looking and knew it.  They would probably take advantage of shallow sex and then find someone they can talk to.

Your friends sounds lovely if you and she have fun together.  Why can't she be like that with men?  Why can't she be that friend rather than posing as a stunner?  

I realise that you want the best for her but ultimately she might not listen to you.  It might help to let her know that if a guy has not bonded emotionally with her, then having sex is unlikely to result in a relationship.  She needs to learn about emotional bonding.  Men need it too.

[Wiseman2]

On some level you must enjoy living vicariously through her stories, otherwise you wouldn't bother.

 It's not about her and her dating woes. It's about your fascination with it.

[princessaurora]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

On some level you must enjoy living vicariously through her stories, otherwise you wouldn't bother.

 It's not about her and her dating woes. It's about your fascination with it.

I don't have a fasciation with it. We don't even talk about it frequently. But when she does bring it up I listen to her and try to help her since she claims she wants to change her situation. 

[princessaurora]

Well, today is the day. She's flying out in a little bit to go see him. They have the whole thing planned out. Meet up tonight, date tomorrow, and sex on Sun. She's been video chatting with him for 3 weeks straight and is very smitten .She sent me a small portion and he's seems like a decent guy. But that's the key word "seems". I just wished her the best and told her to be careful. To my knowledge she's never travelled to see a guy from OLD so this particular situation concerns me. But her mom knows and her friend she's staying with with, so that makes he feel a little better. I just pray she doesn't get hurt physically or emotionally. 

[Millennial]

When a friend is doing something really misguided with the opposite sex, and has shown some sort of unwillingness or lack of ability to change it, it really is best to leave out the subject (including them not moaning to you about it). Some people can be great otherwise and it's not worth falling out over.

If she insists on using you as someone to complain about those problems to, then you'd have to make a stronger decision.