Should I tell his wife?

[VD01]

Hello. So I have been dating this guy I met at work for 5 years now.  At first, I wasn't really serious with him.. since I just got my heart broken and he was the one I talk to a lot during those times. 

He told me he was divorced but keeps a friendly relationship with his wife for their kids (who are now grown ups). 

After a year or so I finally fell for him. So we dated for 4 years, he told me he will marry me and a lot of future plans. We were supposed to get married last year but he started to change... like I felt that he wasn't giving me enough time and attention and all so I kept nagging and fighting with him until I  decided to break up which he eventually agreed saying "he loves me but it seems no matter what he do it wouldn't be enough for me"

I immediately regretted it and so obviously no wedding happened. I  thought maybe he found someone else, he wasn't updating his facebook and so I decided to search if he made a new account (coincidentally I ended up using my dummy account and saw another FB account of him(I was blocked on it in my real account it seems) and then I kept search and there I found out he and his wife are not divorced.  They still live together. 

 

Still he contacted me and told me how lonely he was, his family all have their own life etc... so I started thinking that he may be really unhappy man, to cut it short we got back together and I didn't told him about what I found out. I thought it should be enough and I  fell for him even more. 

Few months ago I noticed his drastic change, he won't let me see him and he rarely talk to me. I thought it may be because of his wife so I just let it be. But months has passed and he felt farther and farther from me. His chats are no longer sweet. 

Later on I found out he got another girl. This time I am really hurt because he seems so in love with her... I have never seen him be so active. I managed to open his account and I was surprised at obsessed he was with her. We kept fighting and fighting.  I let him know how hurt I am and he kept on denying and denying. I broke up and he keeps contacting me.

 

Now I am hurt and honestly started think of telling her about it. 

My problem is that, I  could lose my job because of it. I cannot afford to lose my job yet because of this pandemic it will be hard for me to find a new job.

But I  honestly wanted to get revenge and tell his wife. 

What's the best thing for me to do? 

[d0nnivain]

Your desire for revenge is not helping your cause.   Even if you told his wife that he was being unfaithful when he was still dating you, he probably would not have divorced her.  If she dumped him over this, he would have blamed you, not married you.  You would not end up with what you wanted. 

telling her now that he has a new GF because you are jealous & hoping to cause him misery will backfire.  He will retaliate & could make trouble for you at work, as you acknowledge.  So. . . do you want a job or revenge?  

I get that you are angry & hurt but telling his wife is not the answer.  

[Fletch Lives]

The best revenge would be to find a new boyfriend.

[VD01]

5 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

The best revenge would be to find a new boyfriend.

I honestly do not know how to do this now.  There were guys who liked me but I ignored them because of him. There are guys who likes me but I  couldn't like them.

I signed up in dating sites but still nothing. 

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Your desire for revenge is not helping your cause.   Even if you told his wife that he was being unfaithful when he was still dating you, he probably would not have divorced her.  If she dumped him over this, he would have blamed you, not married you.  You would not end up with what you wanted. 

telling her now that he has a new GF because you are jealous & hoping to cause him misery will backfire.  He will retaliate & could make trouble for you at work, as you acknowledge.  So. . . do you want a job or revenge?  

I get that you are angry & hurt but telling his wife is not the answer.  

TBH after findinf out that he is married, I  never think of them divorcing. So whenever he is doing future faking, I just keep the pain silently because I know it will never happen.  I was fine and happy just knowing I hold part of his heart but now... I am just really hurt and upset.

I wish  I know how to move on from this.

[d0nnivain]

Time will help.   Don't do anything rash now while you are in the acute stages. 

Take some time off from dating.  Do things to self soothe that make you happy & calm. 

 

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, VD01 said:

So I have been dating this guy I met at work for 5 years now. 

In 5 years you never went to his home or spent the night at his house?  Didn't you see this as a red flag?  Did you ever ask him if you can come over?   He will just throw you under the bus if you tell the wife and still continue to see his new girl.  This is how they operate.  He will never leave his wife, just updating his girlfriends when they nag and argue too much.  He doesn't want another wife.

[BaileyB]

18 hours ago, VD01 said:

But I  honestly wanted to get revenge and tell his wife. 

Your anger should not be directed at his wife, it should be directed at the man who lied to you for five years. 

And honestly, you need to do some serious introspection... You dated a man for five years who was in not just one, but two other relationships... I find it hard to believe that you didn’t know something was wrong - as has been said above, did you never go to his house in five years, meet his family, make plans for a wedding, etc... Your picker seems to be more than a little off, to now turn the blame to his wife is a little disingenuous and frankly, misguided. 

Edited December 12, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

15 hours ago, VD01 said:

TBH after findinf out that he is married, I  never think of them divorcing. So whenever he is doing future faking, I just keep the pain silently because I know it will never happen. 

My anger would help me to move on from this... Seriously, you need to get angry and direct that anger at the source.

I would rather be single for the rest of my life than with a man like this. 

I know you dreamed of happily ever after this this man, but now you know the truth. When somebody shows you who they really are - believe them! What is keeping you from kicking this guy to the curb?

Edited December 12, 2020 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, VD01 said:

But I  honestly wanted to get revenge and tell his wife.  What's the best thing for me to do? 

There's no "best" thing IMO.

If revenge is truly something you "need" then the most logical thing would be to wait until you find another job and then tell.

There are arguments, trains of thought, and moral views to support either action (inform/not inform).

I would note that in reality closure comes from within, although certain things can help speed it up.

Are there young children involved? That would be one factor as well. You may end up feeling guilty and regretting what you've done, with or without kids. So it may prolong your distress, or replace it with a new, less intense but more permanent, form. This action is NOT detaching.

These are the kinds of risks you take when you cheat. He took (and is taking) those risks with his family life. However, you're actually attempting to destroy it, and with revenge as your primary motive. Some would say that you're actually worse than him morally.

IF you do decide to tell, talk to a lawyer first. In the US, many family attorneys will give half hour consults for free. The reason is that in a few states "alienation of affection" lawsuits are allowed - and if there is a divorce, the affair partner (you) can be sued. You want to make sure you don't want to live in a jurisdiction that has that.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Do you still work together? 

[VD01]

On 12/12/2020 at 10:32 PM, stillafool said:

In 5 years you never went to his home or spent the night at his house?  Didn't you see this as a red flag?  Did you ever ask him if you can come over?   He will just throw you under the bus if you tell the wife and still continue to see his new girl.  This is how they operate.  He will never leave his wife, just updating his girlfriends when they nag and argue too much.  He doesn't want another wife.

I did went to his house. Wife was never there. No signs as well. And because I never told him that I found out about him still married I will never get an answer. Although I asked in a little way to find out some things. 

I couldn't add his wife on facebook as well so I can only see the pictures that she choose to post in public.

 

It seems that there were times where she was busy. And our work requires him to travel to sites, one of those sites is where I work in. 

I never saw a picture of her on their house the only pictures I saw on display is of his kids.

And I  am never the type to just touch on anything. I saw some female things but he told me they belong to his daughter. 

I think the room where he said was his daughter's room might  be their room. 

Edited December 13, 2020 by VD01

[VD01]

On 12/12/2020 at 11:32 PM, BaileyB said:

Your anger should not be directed at his wife, it should be directed at the man who lied to you for five years. 

And honestly, you need to do some serious introspection... You dated a man for five years who was in not just one, but two other relationships... I find it hard to believe that you didn’t know something was wrong - as has been said above, did you never go to his house in five years, meet his family, make plans for a wedding, etc... Your picker seems to be more than a little off, to now turn the blame to his wife is a little disingenuous and frankly, misguided. 

I am not angry at his wife. TBH never did I  think or hope that they will divorced.  I was envy of her for having him since he was my ideal... after knowing the truth I just knew... they will never divorce and I knew he loves her.

But I was already in love with him....very much so him giving me time and finding ways just to talk to me made me happy enough. I just thought maybe someday I will get tired of it and leave. 

 

I wanted to tell his wife out of anger... towards him. And I  can tell that he is now addicted to the new girl.. who probably doesn't know that he's also married.

I am starting to see a pattern tbh. I read his message to her after showing the pictures of the beach saying that "I  wish you were here. Once we're married this will be yours" etc. Things he also said to me back then.

I am still shock... 

 

He is on vacation, alone right now for two weeks. 

[VD01]

On 12/13/2020 at 4:35 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Do you still work together? 

We don't work together.  But the site he works at is where my work at. 

I am just afraid that if I  told his wife, he or she might report me to our HR and I  will get fired.

 

I work at the hotel where he usually stayed at. Sometimes he has to stay in that hotel for a year and just go home during weekends or every other week. 

Edited December 13, 2020 by VD01

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, VD01 said:

I did went to his house. Wife was never there.

How long were you there?  Most people who are in a 5 year relationship spend nights, weekends, entertain, do drop by at each other's places.  

[VD01]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

How long were you there?  Most people who are in a 5 year relationship spend nights, weekends, entertain, do drop by at each other's places.  

I could only stay for like a day or two when it's my day off from work. 

When I think of it now there were signs but most of those things when I asked, mostly the answer I get is "it's my daughter's "

He told me he will introduce me to his daughter (which is probably just a lie) but I  was felt shy and nervous so I keep telling him "I am afraid they will not like me. Let me meet them when I am ready " 

I met one or two of his coworkers. But none of them ever said anything or whatsoever. 

Right now his wife is busy, so he went to his farm to stay for two weeks. 

This year, I found out that he need to have a break... need to have a break from his daughter and have other human interactions. 

Now I am even wondering if I should tell him I already knew that he's lying.

Edited December 14, 2020 by VD01

[redbaron007]

If you're a hotel employee, say at the front-desk, and he's a customer, and his wife complains to HR, then yes, you may be in a tough situation. How old are you? How old is he? He sounds like a real manipulator, and you sound young and naive, hence asking.

[VD01]

5 hours ago, redbaron007 said:

If you're a hotel employee, say at the front-desk, and he's a customer, and his wife complains to HR, then yes, you may be in a tough situation. How old are you? How old is he? He sounds like a real manipulator, and you sound young and naive, hence asking.

Hello. He is... 55 years old now and around 50 when we met

I am 30 years old now and about 25 when we met.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, VD01 said:

Hello. He is... 55 years old now and around 50 when we met

I am 30 years old now and about 25 when we met.

All the more disturbing... 

I do hope you learn from this experience. It doesn’t sound like this relationship has progressed in the way that a healthy and committed relationship progresses... If you have the ability to seek the support of a counsellor, I would suggest that it may be very beneficial for you. Good luck. 

[flitzanu]

obviously revenge is dumb, but if you really want revenge, and as you said his children are grown adults, go date one of the kids as long as they are over 18.  

 

 

but seriously don't do that.

[redbaron007]

16 hours ago, VD01 said:

Hello. He is... 55 years old now and around 50 when we met

I am 30 years old now and about 25 when we met.

So this sleaze bag strung you along your entire mid-twenties, and now has a new girl, likely a 20-something as well.

Here's the thing: There are a LOT of frogs and toads out there, old and young. This one turned out to be an old toad, there are young toads out there as well that you may well have met and kissed. There's no point pining after this toad or wanting to talk to the toad's wife. Best is to recognize that he is a toad, and move on and find your prince. The worst thing you can do is spend even a minute more talking to, texting to, or even thinking about this toad. Every minute you waste on the past, is a minute lost in the present. Take firm control of your life - learn from this, date single guys closer to your age who would likely share your goals of settling down (which I think you aim for) and steer away from these sleaze bags. (Nothing against 50+ people, I just turned 50 myself). 

[Wiseman2]

His wife may or may not know about his philandering, given his frequent work travel.

Since you may risk your job if things backfired, the best thing you can do is delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Hopefully you can put this behind you.

[VD01]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

His wife may or may not know about his philandering, given his frequent work travel.

Since you may risk your job if things backfired, the best thing you can do is delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Hopefully you can put this behind you.

I actually wonder about this as well. How come his wife never noticed.... if he's doing this for years with me and didn't notice anything and didn't even notice the new one. I noticed the changes in him even the way he used emoji or words that he never used before to text me. So how come his wife didn't notice...

[VD01]

4 hours ago, redbaron007 said:

So this sleaze bag strung you along your entire mid-twenties, and now has a new girl, likely a 20-something as well.

Here's the thing: There are a LOT of frogs and toads out there, old and young. This one turned out to be an old toad, there are young toads out there as well that you may well have met and kissed. There's no point pining after this toad or wanting to talk to the toad's wife. Best is to recognize that he is a toad, and move on and find your prince. The worst thing you can do is spend even a minute more talking to, texting to, or even thinking about this toad. Every minute you waste on the past, is a minute lost in the present. Take firm control of your life - learn from this, date single guys closer to your age who would likely share your goals of settling down (which I think you aim for) and steer away from these sleaze bags. (Nothing against 50+ people, I just turned 50 myself). 

Thank you. 

Actually I am not really into any guys my age...or near my age... call it Daddy issue or whatever I just can't seem to like them....

[Birdies]

If I were his wife, I would want to know.  I think you should tell her.  But do it kindly.

[VD01]

I was angry and now I'm feeling hurt again. 

It really hurts... it hurt so much... cause I love him I really did loved him. I do not know how to get over this yet.

Everytime I think of him and the new girl I  feel like I will lose my mind. 

One time I'm angry and really want to tell his wife to ruin his happiness. Then I get sad and hurt and dying of jealousy. 

If only I could find another work asap I will really tell his wife.