Nabely Posted December 11, 2020 Share Posted December 11, 2020 I've been seeing this other guy on and off for nearly 2 years but never referred to him as a date. The reason I'm not calling it dating is because he's not my boyfriend and made it clear on not ever becoming seriously invested. He insisted for me to not ever get attached to him. He admitted to catching feelings for me, we almost kissed by late Sept but he stopped himself (not due to the pandemic) and said he can't proceed. In addition, he's packed and admitted to owning a couple guns at home. He seemed to have a fear of commitment and always distrusting of people. I got to the bottom of it recently. This is his story: Long ago he was dating his HS girlfriend of 4 years. They got engaged after their 1st year of college. It was her day off and he selected the location. It turned horrible several hours later. They got attacked by 4 armed men. They shot him twice, leaving him for dead. Then they took his fiancee elsewhere, raped her and shot her to death. He survived and kept asking for her. He found out her fate a couple days later while still recovering at the hospital. He hasn't gone out on a date since (he's now 31 years old) and sometimes still has nightmares about the same thing. In his mind it was his fault because he was there with her and couldn't do nothing, he was the driver, he chose the place and got her killed. Obviously he's been through a terrible trauma but I like to think I can help him move on from it. I want to reassure him that nothing bad will happen again and to learn to trust himself again, to freely fall in love again. He's struggling and seems afraid. Any way I can help him? Are people able to overcome traumatic events? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 11, 2020 Share Posted December 11, 2020 51 minutes ago, Nabely said: I like to think I can help him move on from it. I want to reassure him that nothing bad will happen again and to learn to trust himself again, to freely fall in love again. He's struggling and seems afraid. Any way I can help him? Are people able to overcome traumatic events? People are able to overcome trauma. There are loads of survivors out there. Something as horrible as what happened to your guy takes time & probably professional intervention. As much as you may care for him, you don't have the qualifications to fix this. I'm sorry to be blunt but you are deluding yourself if you think you can love him through this. He is struggle & he is afraid. You cannot assure him that nothing bad will happen again. It's not within your power. At best you can talk about statistics but really you could be hit by a bus tomorrow. You're almost being cruel to make him promises about things you can't control. You seem like a wonderful caring person whose heart is in the right place. Do love & support him but you have to accept whatever he's feeling & thinking. He can't speed this up for your convenience. Stop making him try. If you can love him fears & all, go ahead but this will ALWAYS be a part of him & you can't change that or make him forget. He's probably always going to have reservations & bouts of self doubt. Falling in love has to be terrifying. The last time he loved it ended in horror. It's not going to be easy to let his guard down again. It's illogical but he probably thinks that if he loves you, that you will be murdered. You can't use logic to disavow him of that terror. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted December 12, 2020 Share Posted December 12, 2020 (edited) What you are talking about is excess emotional baggage or ptsd. Counseling may help him manage it. Some people can get over it, some can't, it varies from case-to-case. There's nothing you can do about it. Edited December 12, 2020 by Fletch Lives 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumaza Posted December 12, 2020 Share Posted December 12, 2020 yes you sure can overcome. but it takes time,and therapy. talk about it, process it etc. but sure presure wont help or you tryna make him heal from it. you can only be there as a listener and support someone who choose to deal with the trauma,and true therapy . you will be abproblem if you there just to presure him so you can have him. people with trauma dont need presure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nabely Posted December 12, 2020 Author Share Posted December 12, 2020 Thank you for the replies. I hope he can one day heal and find peace within himself. The saddest thing is that he still thinks it was his fault. He really believes he failed to protect her and that he's worthless as a man. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted December 12, 2020 Share Posted December 12, 2020 I would check for news articles about his girlfriends death just to make sure he's telling the truth. If he is then it's not really an issue of believing he failed to protect her. He did fail to protect her. If you any level of honor as a man that's not something you get over, no matter how much therapy you have or how many people tell you oh it's not really your fault. There's something wrong with him if he could get over it. So you're kind of screwed either way unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 12, 2020 Share Posted December 12, 2020 10 hours ago, d0nnivain said: As much as you may care for him, you don't have the qualifications to fix this. I'm sorry to be blunt but you are deluding yourself if you think you can love him through this. 2 hours ago, gaius said: He did fail to protect her. If you any level of honor as a man that's not something you get over, no matter how much therapy you have or how many people tell you oh it's not really your fault. I agree. 12 hours ago, Nabely said: I like to think I can help him move on from it. No one can just "move on" from such a traumatic event. I am somewhat traumatised by just hearing about it... God knows how he lives with it every day. You can't help him, or love him all better, he needs professional help. With the best of intentions, you could make it all ten times worse for him... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 12, 2020 Share Posted December 12, 2020 (edited) 12 hours ago, Nabely said: . They got attacked by 4 armed men. They shot him twice, leaving him for dead. Then they took his fiancee elsewhere, raped her and .. He's struggling and seems afraid. Any way I can help him? Are people able to overcome traumatic events? Sorry this happened. Has he gotten support from professionals? This is way over your head and playing therapist is unwise in the case of this degree of trauma. Leave him alone. Do not try to fix him so you can have a BF. He will have to adjust on his own in his own time. You can listen but do not attempt playing with this kind of trauma in a DIY sort of way. You have to accept that he's not ready, willing or able to have a relationship with you. You should never play therapist. He needs qualified licenced professionals . Edited December 12, 2020 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 12, 2020 Share Posted December 12, 2020 11 hours ago, Nabely said: Thank you for the replies. I hope he can one day heal and find peace within himself. The saddest thing is that he still thinks it was his fault. He really believes he failed to protect her and that he's worthless as a man. This is heartbreaking but it's not within your power to fix. 7 hours ago, gaius said: I would check for news articles about his girlfriends death just to make sure he's telling the truth. If he is then it's not really an issue of believing he failed to protect her. He did fail to protect her. Yikes. How suspicious. Does something like this really need verification? He did NOT fail to protect her. WTF was he supposed to do against 4 ARMED men when he was 1 unarmed man, caught unaware? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted December 13, 2020 Share Posted December 13, 2020 On 12/11/2020 at 4:33 PM, Nabely said: Obviously he's been through a terrible trauma but I like to think I can help him move on from it. I want to reassure him that nothing bad will happen again and to learn to trust himself again, to freely fall in love again. He's struggling and seems afraid. Any way I can help him? Are people able to overcome traumatic events? I'm not sure what makes you think that you can help him "move on" from this. You are in way over your head with this. You can't fix him. He will probably never "move on" from this, an experience like this changes who you are. A situation this serious needs professional help. The only way you can help him is maybe just suggest he go to therapy and help him find one if he's having trouble getting motivated to do so. But don't be pushy about it. That will not be helpful at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 13, 2020 Share Posted December 13, 2020 The only thing you can do is suggest he seeks professional help with a therapist specializing in pts. His guilt is paralyzing but he could move on with proper help. He was shot by 4 men and left for dead, how could he possibly have protected her. That being said not everybody has the ability to survive trauma. There are horrifying stories out there of people having their wife murdered as well as children and they find the will to start living all over again. Link to post Share on other sites
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