Marriage in limbo

[lil_missy]

Back again, 

Some of you that have read my last threads will know that we've had alot of financial issues in our marriage with hidden debts from my husbands side and me not being convinced where these debts came from. At one point I was convinced that he was using drugs and he kept denying it. 

We separated for awhile then I moved back in with him during covid lockdown, mainly so we can both be  together for our son. Being together 24/7 i started to think less likely that he was doing drugs, but more n more I suspected that he was addicted to gambling. He was always on his sports betting apps and talking to me about his bets, he believes he can make a living out of it. Actually for the past couple of years he has always been sports betting and its only recently that I realised this could be the source of all our debts. 

I confronted him about it but again he denied that he is addicted and that he not losing money on it, that he is mostly just looking and giving out tips. He talks to me often about his strategies,  infact it seems all he talks about and the only ppl he talks to are others that bet as well. 

Either way I do not believe him and he refuse to show me any of his bank accounts which makes me lose trust in him to begin with. 

I moved back out to my parents again mostly due to him constantly being on his phone and not paying attention to me and neglecting his responsibilities around the house. 

I felt more like a glorified maid and nanny living with him than a wife. But I have to admit there was nothing to do in lockdown and I looked to him constantly for attention as I have no hobbies of my own. 

Anyway now our marriage seems in limbo. I don't want to move back with him and he doesn't want me to move back right now either.i told him I want to see all his statements so I can be sure he is not gambling away his money and I'm unwilling to move back until he does, he says he will show me but keeps making excuses and delaying. 

On the other hand he says he needs to see things from me before he feels safe continuing the relationship, ie not threatening to walk away all the time, not suspicious of everything he does and not being controlling of him etc. 

So we are basically at a stand still, nothing is progressing either way. 

We are basically living separately with our son moving between us. Thank god he is a happy boy and he is very much loved. But I want some certainty for his and my sake. We cannot keep staying in this limbo  

Recently he started playing video games again n bought the latest xbox. We both like video games so I don't have any issue with him playing, considering the alternatives. he says he will stop sport betting and play games to pass his time instead. 

I just don't know what to do, limbo is extremely hard for me. My husband on the other hand seems OK with it, he says he hasn't even thought about divorce and thinks we are working on things slowly. He invites me over to play video games together and i haven't seen him on his phone as much lately. But I feel we are not getting anywhere. He tells me to be patient and let things unfold naturally. 

Its been a month n half since I moved out. 

What should I do? Be patient? 

Thanks reading i know its long post 

 

[lil_missy]

oh another thing, while we are separated, my husbands mom goes over weekly and sleeps over one night coz apparently to spend time with her grandson. 

she sleeps in OUR/My bed, while my hubby sleeps with our son in another bed. 

I find this really gross/ wrong/off putting that his mom sleeps in my bed while im gone. I don't get along with her either, we had a fall out last xmas and haven't spoken since. 

Does anyone think this is totally wrong and gross? 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, lil_missy said:

oh another thing, while we are separated, my husbands mom goes over weekly and sleeps over one night coz apparently to spend time with her grandson. 

she sleeps in OUR/My bed, while my hubby sleeps with our son in another bed. 

I find this really gross/ wrong/off putting that his mom sleeps in my bed while im gone. I don't get along with her either, we had a fall out last xmas and haven't spoken since. 

Does anyone think this is totally wrong and gross? 

Sorry this is happening 😔. It's ok for your son to see his grandmother, even if you hate her.

The sleeping arrangements seem due to logistics.

You are living with your parents. You're not "in limbo", you have simply stalled on getting a good attorney and filing for legal separation/divorce.

You need an attorney to advise you on more appropriate and formalized child custody and child support.

You'll also need legal advice about severing and dividing marital assets, the house,etc.

The only "limbo" you are in at this point is denial and hoping things miraculously improve without appropriate therapeutic or legal advice.

[lil_missy]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening 😔. It's ok for your son to see his grandmother, even if you hate her.

The sleeping arrangements seem due to logistics.

You are living with your parents. You're not "in limbo", you have simply stalled on getting a good attorney and filing for legal separation/divorce.

You need an attorney to advise you on more appropriate and formalized child custody and child support.

You'll also need legal advice about severing and dividing marital assets, the house,etc.

The only "limbo" you are in at this point is denial and hoping things miraculously improve without appropriate therapeutic or legal advice.

thanks for you reply, well i say in "limbo" because obviously we've both expressed that we do want this to work and we've even agreed to marriage counselling (but haven't taken the step yet). We both said that we are scared of being hurt by the other again and hence taking it slow. He assured me there are no more debts and he is not hiding anything from me. I am a naturally suspicious person and tends to think the worst of things, but of course he is not innocent either. I'm willing to rebuild if we CAN, because we have a child together who loves us both, and moving him every week breaks my heart. I've tried leaving and it really hurts too much, and I'm scared to start my life all over again and I'm scared that I might fall into depression. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lil_missy said:

. He assured me there are no more debts and he is not hiding anything from me.   I'm scared to start my life all over again and I'm scared that I might fall into depression. 

You're legally married so you must go through your bank accounts, credit cards, credit reports,etc. and have a CPA review your financial status.

You can't keep putting your house, credit and child's future at risk. 

Your depression is something you need to see a physician and therapist for.

False assurances won't prevent depression. Staying in a destructive marriage is worse.

Talk to a lawyer. You need serious legal advice. Particularly with his deceit and squandering money.

[d0nnivain]

Take the step to get marriage counseling & tell him that full financial disclosure is a condition of staying together.   You're in limbo because you haven't done anything to move forward.

[ShyViolet]

You should definitely not move back in with him while he's refusing to show you his bank statements.  He is clearly hiding something.  

[usa1ah]

His mom coming over to see the grandson is no big deal. If you are moved out then it is no longer your bed anyway. 
 

Hope you find the answers you need. It does sound like he has a gambling problem and it very well could be the reason for the debt. 

[lil_missy]

Thanks guys yes I'm def not moving back in with him til he shows me some statements. Otherwise he is def hiding something from me. 

He is always saying to me " you don't know what I have to pay for" and I feel like saying that is really cryptic, if its everyday things you shouldn't be poor all the time. sounds like he has more debts that I don't know about.

He still never seems to have money even though he works full time and has decent income. 

I'm debating whether to try marriage counselling as it won't solve any gambling prob that he may have. And if he won't even admit he has a prob or come clean then there is nothing i can do to help him. Then walking away seems like the only option  

[usa1ah]

In a marriage or long term relationship where two people are living together as if married, you need to know what is up with finances. How can one plan for the future not knowing what debt is involved.