I got dumped and need advice

[Nikita20]

Okay..I’m new here in the shack. I’ve read so many posts that have been so helpful in dealing with my breakup, however I feel that I need to tell my story to get some more input and advice. So, here it goes.

 

I met the love of my life 2 years ago on October 3rd. When we met, I just knew he was the one. Our relationship was wonderful. We had so many similarities, it was unreal. We both knew we were meant for each other. I got along with his parents and he got along with mine. Everything was perfect. In fact, most people thought we were going to get married. After dating him for nine months, he asked me to move in with him and I did. I was a bit hesitant because his place was small and wasn’t in a nice neighborhood. However, I knew I would be taking a huge risk, but I decided I’m in love with him, what the hell.

 

We were good roommates, however, we both had different work schedules. I’m currently working for my sister and have been working for 3 years. This was supposed to be temporary until I found something else (I used to be an inside sales rep in the tech industry, but I got laid off.). He worked in the mornings and I worked in the afternoons. However, I didn’t work full eight hour days because I was in a rut and I hated my job. This didn’t bother him at first, however, when I started complaining about my job, is when things started to go wrong. At my sister’s, I was making significantly less money than I was in my previous position. Plus, I wasn’t happy I wasn’t living up to my full potential. What held me back from looking for a new job was fear. I didn’t know where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do, etc. Also, since I was making less money, I was financially strapped. However, I always paid for half of the rent and always contributed when it came to our expenses. He also didn’t have much money either, but we always managed to survive. Also, due to my financial situation, I’ve neglected my taxes for a year and have neglected to take the drivers courses in order to get my drivers license back (I currently have a suspended license because of a DUI I got 5 years ago). I told him all about this in the beginning of our relationship because I felt so horrible about myself and felt like such a loser. He mentioned, “Don’t worry, it’s okay, I know you aren’t a loser, plus I love you.”

 

Just this February, he writes me in a Valentine’s Day card that he wants to marry me and hopes by next year we will be living in a new place. I was so happy. Then in March, after some nagging and encouragement from him, I got my resume updated and started looking for a job. I got a lot of hits, and even went on a few job interviews, but none of them panned out. I got discouraged, so I stopped looking. I think that this upset him, but he never said anything. Around May, he comes across this excellent job opportunity in Southern California and we both decide that he should take it. Prior to starting his new job, in June, we ended up going to France for a couple of weeks to visit his relatives: aunt, uncle & grandparents. All of them really liked me. His uncle even pulled him aside and mentioned, “You know, you have a really cool girlfriend.” Plus, I speak French, which was an added bonus and another one of the bizarre similarities we had in common. Then in mid July, he leaves for his new job. He wrote me a beautiful card prior to leaving saying how important I am in his life, how he wouldn’t be where he was today because of me, how this move isn’t to move away from me, but to take our relationship to the next step. The plan was for him to move down there first and I was to join him after finding a job down there.

 

When I came back to Northern California after helping him with his move, I started surfing the net and looking for a job. After two weeks, of sending out resumes I wasn’t getting any responses whatsoever. This disappointed me because my resume is pretty solid. We spoke to one another on the phone everyday and he would always ask me if I got any responses back. I would tell him no. I could hear the disappointment in his voice when I would say that. One day I snapped at him because it sounded like he didn’t believe me that I was looking for a job and I was. Finally, in the beginning of August, I called a recruiter, who I sent my resume to, and asked why I haven’t heard back from him. He mentioned most companies don’t like hiring people outside the area—they usually hire local people. He mentioned to change my address to a Southern California address, which I did. In the meantime, I called my boyfriend to let him know this, he was pleased, but yet sounded a bit strange. The reason being is because he was having difficulties with his new job and wasn’t sure if he liked it. The main reason was because of his boss. I ended up going down there to see him to cheer him up. When he came to pick me up at the airport, he acted really strange and was very distant. This freaked me out and we ended up fighting the whole entire weekend. However, we did make up prior to me leaving. In fact, when I left, he left me a message on my cell phone, hoping that I have a good flight—he was bawling his eyes out.

 

Around the end of the second week of August I start getting responses back from my resume. The 3rd week of August is when everything fell apart. I start telling him that I’m getting responses. He isn’t excited, in fact, he is extremely depressed. He says he dreads going to his job everyday because his boss is psycho and treats him horribly. He then starts to tell me to start looking up in Northern California. I told him to give the job some time and try to work things out. In another phone conversation, we ended up fighting. I asked him what is the most important thing in his life. He mentioned career, marriage, children, etc. This upset me because I wanted him to say I was the most important thing in his life. After we hung up, I called him again but left him a message to call me back. Then on August 19th, he calls and tells me that he needs to be alone. I pressure him and tell him, “Does this mean we are breaking up?” He says, “Yes.”. I told him to never call me again. I ended up calling his mom the next day to tell her that I couldn’t housesit for her because we broke up. I didn’t give her any details. She told me, “Aw, don’t worry you guys are just having a spat.” She writes me in an email, “No matter what happens I still like you and I hope that we can still remain friends.”

 

I ended up calling him the following week, trying to get in touch him, but he wouldn’t answer his cell phone. I email him at work and he responds, “Please discontinue any conversation with me. IT IS OVER.” I freak out, call him at work and his boss answers the phone, which was strange. His boss mentions that he left for the day because he wasn’t feeling well. Then his boss reveals that he is going home for the weekend because of family matters—his brother’s tumor came back. I was so relieved. This made sense why my boyfriend was freaking out. I ended up calling his mom and his mom tells me that he quit his job and used that as an excuse to leave. Her advice about the situation was to shrug my shoulders and move on. She also mentioned that he didn’t want to move back in the apartment with me, which is ironic because originally it was his place. She mentioned that men are pigs. I was so devastated on how unsupportive she was.

 

He then calls me later acting very strange and bizarre. He was upset that I called his work and he wanted to know what I told his boss. I told him that he didn’t have anything to worry about. He was relieved. He then tells me in a sarcastic tone, “I’m just not into you. I want a woman I can be proud of. You are 37 and time is ticking for you to have kids. Plus, do I want someone with a suspended license driving our kids around.” I was crushed. I couldn’t believe how cruel he was after all I’ve done for him—I gave him my heart and soul, plus an immense amount of love. I am a woman that he can be proud of. I’ve had a successful career and I’m capable of having one. I’m intelligent, well-rounded, independent and cultured. He saw all that in me.

 

When he finally came back up north, I get in touch with him and tell him that if he wants to break up he’s going to have to do that in person. I ask him to meet me at the apartment and he says no. In a frenzy, he tells me that he is interested in someone else, which I know is complete bs. We end up meeting in a park. Our conversation was very civilized. He looked extremely sad and depressed. He tells me that he loves me, thinks I’m beautiful but just can’t be with me right now. We give each other a hug and both walk away. I left him a voice mail thanking him for meeting me. I also write him an email asking him for some time apart and a 2nd chance to reconcile. He emails me back telling me my letter was very nice, however, he says for me to stop emailing and calling him because it is making things too difficult for him. He tells me to move on so that I can achieve my goals. I then vow to myself not to contact him.

 

He then contacts me 3 weeks later, which was September 19th. He asks how I’m doing, etc. I calmly tell him that I’m doing fine. He then asks if I’m still in the apartment. I tell him that I moved out because it was too depressing to be there. Then he asks, so where did you move to? I was vague—I told him I moved to a better place. Since he works for the theater, he mentions that he recently attended opening night for a play. He mentions that I would of really liked it and he could get tickets for me and my sister. I thank him for the tickets and tell him I’m not sure if I would have the time to go, since I’ve been busy. The weird part of this whole thing is he tells me that I can call him if I want.

 

I haven’t called him since and it has been three weeks. This whole entire thing has been complete hell for me. I’ve never gone through so much pain in my entire life. I love him so much and want to get back together with him. I’m just so confused on why he broke up with me. In the time we’ve been apart, I’ve paid off my taxes, been on several job interviews and even got a job offer. I’ve negotiated with the company on the salary, got them to pay me $10k more than what they originally wanted to offer me and now they are sending me a job offer in the mail. I just wish that I could share this with him, but I can’t. The longer this NC goes, the less hope I have of us getting back together. I guess I have to face reality and accept that it is over, but all I want is a 2nd chance. I desperately want to call him. I miss him so much. Any advice?

[Love2share]

The key is for you to make positive changes for YOURSELF. Don't worry about what he thinks. In all honestly, it does seem like you were a handful with the taxes, DL, and job issues. It takes a strong man to concider dealing with all those things. So we have to give him credit for that. A lot of men wouldn't have taken on such problems, regardless of love.

 

I think he reached a point where he'd had enough. The added stress from his job made it worse. So he gave up. It's amazing the way a person's career can determine the rest of their lives, especially for men. If the job isn't going well, his attitudes and emotions will be negative, and vice versa. Think about it...if you didn't find a job, he would have to be the major provider for the two of you.

 

But how could he do that if he was unsure about his own job. Do you see how this weighing on his mind would make him stressed? If he dumped you, at least he wouldn't have to worry about your well being in addition to his own. If you had been in a more positive position of your own, you wouldn't have been discouraged, complaining, and arguing about YOUR OWN problems. He would have been able to turn to you for support and encouragement, rather than worrying about you.

 

You should continue making progress without him. Don't give up on him yet. There doesn't appear to be any other woman in the picture. If he loves you, he will come back when his career improves. When the time comes, give the relationship another chance and take things slow. Be able to contribute more than Love and Affection so there is an equal amount of give and take in the relationship.

[Nikita20]

I completely agree with you. You are absolutely right. However, what do you propose I do as far as contacting him? When he contacted me, I mentioned about my interviews and the current job proposal. He said I'm glad that there are positive things happening in your life. I do have a lot to offer him. I was just in a rut when I met him and I know I have the capacity to shine. He doesn't know that I have a job offer. He did mention that I could contact him, however, I am plagued with fear that he has moved on and has forgotten about me. What do you propose?

[Nikita20]

Hello? Does anyone have any advice about this? Should I call him?

[scobro]

no contact.Watch what will happen he will come back if you have no contact

[soft heart]

Hello Nikita,

 

I know how hard it is to loose the one we love so much. You are asking if you should call him. PLEASE DO NOT CALL HIM. Mainly because he has told you already many times not to continue the contact with him and to leave him alone. If you love him and care for him, you might need to respect his wish to stop all contact. I know it's the hardest thing to do but he will loose all respect he has for you. You will come accros to him as needy, clingy and desparate - not very attractive to a man. He ended it with you so walk away with dignity. He should not see that you are dependant on him for your happiness. Show him that you can be happy on your own without him. Show him that you do not need him in order to feel good about your life. Noone wants someone who is dependant on them.

 

How old is he? You say you are 37. Maybe he thought that at your age you are supposed to be more responsible and not leaving all the responsibility on him. I am not sure what's on his mind. Maybe he wants someone who is really ambitious and follow their own dreams and maybe he didn't see that in you. It also sounds to me that since he was under a great pressure from his own job, he couldn't at the same time deal with your unhappiness over a lost job While he was going through a hard time, he probably needed a partner who is happy with his own job so he did not have to worry about his own situation as well as yours. And you must remember that men usually feel that they are the breadwinners. It sounds to me that he lost his attraction for you because he did not see in you someone who was fighting.. who was strong enough to finish their driving licence lessons and so on. I am sorry if it doesn't sound really nice. I am just trying to be honest and understand him why would he wnat to end it. Also you told him that you felt like a looser. I think that was possibly a big mistake. Once we tell someone that we feel that way, people tend to start to believe it even though it's not truth. Everyone wants to be proud of their partners and they want someone confident and driven. Maybe he thought to himself that you really were loosing and he did not like it. Men like positive women with a confident attitude. Mainly because they feel under a great pressure when they have to make us feel better and it's not going anywhere. Men are solution-orientated and they want to see actions rather than talking and complaining about things. He probably felt that he had to find a solution for him as well as for you in order for you two to be happy and two independent financially secure individuals in a relationship. You say that he had to nag you and encourage you to update your resume. He probably felt that at your age, he shouldn't have to do that. He felt like he had to push you and when he thought about the future he thought to himself "She is 37 and is not even trying enough to update her resume and I have to push her. How can she be a mother of my children when she has a lack of ambition to contribute to our lives. I would be afraid if she lost her job again or decided that she is not motivated enough to look after our children and keep the household in order". I think he looked it from a bigger picture and began to doubt you as his partner for the future. Again you said that you got discouraged with looking for a job because you had mostly negative responses and this upset him. I think he was just really tired of it and not happy to see you unmotivated. It upset him that you were giving up. He felt that he cannot rely on you in a way.

 

He was getting quite impatient about your job situation and every time he asked you and you said no, he felt more and more disappointed. It was not necessarily your fault that you couldn't find a job. I understand what it takes to find a job but he couldn't face the fact that you were not fully employed, having your own responsibility. It did not inspire him and it did not fascinate him. He was loosing the attraction. Maybe he wanted you to find a part-time job for a few hours a day while looking for a proper one to see that you were prepared to do anything for getting some income. He just wasn't happy with it all.

 

When you asked him what is the most important thing in his life. He answered as a man. For a man, a career is important as well as family and children. He said it to you because he could see that you wanted him to reassure you. He felt that you were worried about things like that rather than worrying about your existance and a job. I think at this point he already changed his mind about your future that's why he didn't answer the way you wanted him to. He probably felt that you were focusing all your attention on him rather than on yourself and your job. And when you got upset and fought with him about it, he felt even more driven away. He probably realised that you two have a different view on life and what is important and what is less important. And two people when they are getting married they should normally have the same values, expectations and priorities.

 

When he said to you that yes you are two are broken up, you told him that he should never call you again. He took it literally. Don't forget men do. Men don't always understand our emotions and reactions and they don't necessarily know that you said it because you wanted him to react - at least me as a woman, I can see that. And then you called his mother. He probably felt really upset that you approached his mother. He felt that these things should be between you two and you shouldn't involve his mother no matter how close you feel to her. Also you said that you felt upset how unsupportive she was. In my opinion you should have called her. It's not her responsibility to solve it for you. It's not her responsibility to convince him. In the end of the day, he is her son and she will respect his choices as you should do. If I were you, I would not call him or his mother again. You are just hummiliating yourself in front of his family. They are going to think that you are using her to get him back. She probably did not know what to say to you so she told you to move on. What else can she tell you?

 

You then ask him to meet you in person in order to break up. That's quite strange. If my ex-boyfriend asked me to do that, I would refuse as well. It's hard enough to break up with someone and I know that we all say that it's better to do that in person but maybe he thought that you wanted to meet him for another reason. It was to talk him out of his decision and he did not want to change his mind so he refused to meet you. He then asked you to stop emailing and calling. He was desparate to be alone and you did not respect that. He probably lost his respect for you in return. Anyway, so the he agreed to meet you but looked very sad and depressed. Of course he would be. He had to face you again and he probably felt really guilty about breaking up with you because he could see that you would not let go so he felt under an extreme pressure.. not really sure how to act around you. Anyway, it reached the point that he had to even make up a lie that he met someone else probably hoping that this would make you leave it alone.

 

I think from what I can see and understand, you really might need to accept that it's over between you two. Once a man makes up his mind, it's hard to change it. He will come back only if it's because he chose to and wanted to. Not because he had to because you were unhappy with his decision. I would not contact him again. It sounds like he wanted to get out of the relationship but did not know how to do it and felt really guilty and frustruated because you would not let him be. If you want to have a chance with him and you are finding it really hard, write him a short message:

 

Hey,

 

I just wanted to share this with you because you helped me a lot and encouraged me to find a job. I did get a job and I am really happy for that. I know I should have tired harder before but now I am ready to give it all I can. I hope all is well with you. Take care of yourself.

 

Do not mention ANYTHING about your relationship. Do not ask him anything about his feelings. Do not blame him for anything. Do not beg him. Do not even tell him how hard it is for you.. do not tell him that you miss him. Basically a simple message. Men are simplier than us women. And leave him alone. Respect his wishes. He will see that you are caring for him because you are respecting his need to be alone and his wish to break up. If you keep calling him, he will see you as selfish because you are worrying about how you feel but not his wish to be alone. Also he needs to gain respect for you again and the only way he can respect you again and miss the person he met again if you let it go, tell him about your new job and walk away. He will think oh she is not asking me about us, she is not pleading for another chance.. she sounds like she is doing fine without me.. hm strange. and let him act. Either he will accept it or try to reconcile with you but if he does, do not under any circumstances take him back easily. He broke up with you so be proud a little... be busy with your new job so he has to work to get you back and that way he will get to appreciate you again. I think he though you were too much into him and it scared him. So if he does contact you, be distant and do not show him your feelings and how much you miss him. That's the only way how to make him realise and re-think his decision. I am talking from my own experience. But for now, move on.. accept his decision.. and concentrate on yourself and your new job.. meet up with your friends... try to live again without him and do not wait for him. Do not have false hopes. Accept it and maybe one day he will miss you and decides to call you again and at this point hopefully you will sound busy, confident and happy because you are doing so well .... it will make you look more attractive to him. But I think you should get over him now.. take it slowly and move on.

 

Good luck. Be strong and NO CONTACT!! or you will drive him competely away and he will end up hating you and you do not want that. If you keep contacting him, he has no chance to miss you and to re-think his decision if you are ALWAYS there crying for him.

 

If you need more advice, let us know.. TAKE CARE!! and please don't take my reply badly. I was there too so I am not being critical. I am trying to help you to understand what could have gone wrong. I hope I could help you.

[Nikita20]

Softheart...thanks for the response. I greatly appreciate your input and agree with most of the things you said.

 

To clarify things, I haven't lost my current job. I'm still working for my sister and have always been. In the meantime, I'm expecting my job offer to come in the mail any moment. I'm looking forward to that.

 

I only called his mom because his boss said his brother's tumor came back and since I'm extremely close with his family, I wanted to make sure that his brother was okay. That's it. His mom mentioned that my boyfriend used that as an excuse to quit his job. I didn't give her any details on our breakup. I was very brief. I only said that I'm a bit confused about his decision. She said men are pigs and I need to shrug my shoulders and move on. End of conversation.

 

As far as meeting up with him in person to break up with me, I'm sorry, after being with someone for almost 2 years, you don't do this over the phone. He needs to be a man and do this in person. I at least deserved that. When I saw him, I was very civilized. I didn't beg for him back, I did not plead nor did I cry. In fact, I was very strong. I just listened to him and accepted his decision. We hugged each other and walked away. And, that was that.

 

We broke up August 19th. Since September 1st I have not called him. He called me on September 18th, offering me tickets to go see a play. He also mentioned I could call him if I want. When we talked, I didn't mention our relationship at all. I didn't beg, didn't plead. Zip, nada. In fact, I was very neutral and calm. I did mention that I went on several interviews and I have a job prospect that is looking really good. I haven't called him since. But, my question is, why did he contact me? Why does he want to know where I live? Why did he offer me the tickets for me and my sister? Is he opening the door a crack? Is this a form of reconciliation? I'm confused. Can you answer that? Don't worry, I'm not calling him back. I'm firm on this.

 

Once again, thanks for putting the time and effort into your response. I greatly appreciate it. It has helped me see things even more clearly. I will remain strong, keep busy and continue the NC. However, can you answer my questions in the previous paragraph?

[soft heart]

But, my question is, why did he contact me? Why does he want to know where I live? Why did he offer me the tickets for me and my sister? Is he opening the door a crack? Is this a form of reconciliation? I'm confused. Can you answer that? Don't worry, I'm not calling him back. I'm firm on this.

 

Once again, thanks for putting the time and effort into your response. I greatly appreciate it. It has helped me see things even more clearly. I will remain strong, keep busy and continue the NC. However, can you answer my questions in the previous paragraph?

 

Hm this is hard to answer. I mean I could tell you one thing and he could think another. I guess that maybe in a way he did miss you and that's why he contacted you. As you said you were together for 2 years and as much as he was requesting from you space and asking you to leave him alone, he partly missed you and maybe he still does but that does not mean that he wants the relationship back. Strangely men do that.. especially if they are the ones who initated the break up. They will go silent for weeks or months and then suddenly they remember that you exist and they call you and ask you all these questions.. how you have been? where do you live? what is going on in your life? sometimes they even want to know if you have a new boyfriend. They also feel guilty for breaking up with you so they kind of want to make themselves feel better so they will call you and will try to do something to "make it up to you" so you don't completely feel hate towards him. I know that you do not hate him but he probably feels guilty for ending it and men hate feeling like they have done wrong. So he thought he would offer tickets to you and your sister.

 

He then contacts me 3 weeks later, which was September 19th. He asks how I’m doing, etc. I calmly tell him that I’m doing fine. He then asks if I’m still in the apartment. I tell him that I moved out because it was too depressing to be there. Then he asks, so where did you move to? I was vague—I told him I moved to a better place. Since he works for the theater, he mentions that he recently attended opening night for a play. He mentions that I would of really liked it and he could get tickets for me and my sister. I thank him for the tickets and tell him I’m not sure if I would have the time to go, since I’ve been busy. The weird part of this whole thing is he tells me that I can call him if I want.

 

You see he was asking how you were doing. If you are still in the apartment. He felt guilty because it was his idea so he was maybe relieved that you are not living there anymore because he did not want to feel too bad for having that idea and not follow it. I am not sure why did he want to know where you moved to. Sometimes us women we will analyse each word that our guy says to us and we look for any signs that it could mean that he is trying to go back. Maybe he is but I learned in the last year or so the hard lesson. He could be missing you, feeling lonely without you, feeling guilty for leaving you and so on.. BUT if a man does not specifically spells it out to you that he wants you back and he made a mistake and he would like to give it another chance, you will only prolong your pain and waste your time. I was waiting and hoping and he will contact me and ask all these questions about me.. and I always thought that it must be a sign that he wants to come back. Well, sadly I was wrong. He wanted me to be there but he was did not have any intentions to come back... It ended in a hurful way but I will not go into it. I wrote about it a lot on this board and now it's about you. So please do not let him string along. It could be that he is testing the water and see if you two could have another chance BUT please do not hope too much. It's much better to be nicely surprise than disappointed! so if he contacts you again unless you hear from him that he misses you and would like to meet you and try to talk about the relationship and what went wrong and he made a huge mistake for breaking up with you and that he regrets his decision, do not read into his questions too much. It could be that he cares but not necessarily about the relationship. Also I would not be so readily available to him if he calls or emails.. play hard to get. In the end of the day, the fact is that he ended it and hurt you. If you just take up on his offer and be always there for him whenever he contacts you, he will take you for granted and he will become comfortable with the way things are and he will not appreciate you and value you. He has to realise that he hurt you. Also it's up to you if you want to keep the contact with him. I kept contact with my ex-boyfriend for months but I had to ask for none. It was too hard for me to cope. Every time he would call me or email him, I would be hoping for more but he was ok to be single without me so I had to find all the strength I had and walk away. I said to myself that I love him and if he is ok without me and wants to be single and does not want to have a relationship with me then I must mirror him and be ok without him and I can tell you that he wasn't too happy with my decision but it was too painful to carry on the way he wanted.

 

So please guard your heart. He maybe just feeling lonely or guilty unless he says the words above.. Regarding the play, you did the right thing. You told him you were not sure whether to go and that you have been busy lately. That's the way to go.. Let him work harder. Remember if a man really wants to be with you and does not want to loose you and wants you back, he will do anything to get it. He is kind of leaving the option to you and says that if you want to, you can come to watch the play. I don't know him well enough to judge but if he was really interested, he would at least make sure that you can make it? He would try a little harder? He is being a bit vague about it all.

 

You asking if it's a form of reconciliation. Hm I am not sure. It could be but it could be not. I still believe that he is not showing enough signs. Maybe he is just being nice to you now as I said to make himself feel better but it could well be that he is too proud to go back and say to you that he made a mistake but would you not prefer someone who is prepared to fight for you and your heart? Who will do anything to have you? His way is not really convincing and in the end of the day, he broke your heart and I am sure your trust has been broken and he has not done a lot for building your trust. Offering you and your sister a ticket is not in my opinion a good enough trial to reconcile. It's unconvincing. You deserve better I think. But as I said it depends on your expectations. I would personally prefer when someone is prepared to fight. He needs to make you feel special again and he is not doing any of it. He rejected you because of your job situation and he even said to you that I’m just not into you. I want a woman I can be proud of. You are 37 and time is ticking for you to have kids. Plus, do I want someone with a suspended license driving our kids around.” Remember these words. I do not think that you should be going to this play and you should seriously re-consider if you actually want him back after this sentence. I mean he said to you that he wants a woman he can be proud of - he made you feel so bad about yourself and a man who loves his woman with all his heart wouldn't say those words.

 

Now you are hurting so much without him. You are still influenced by feelings for hurt and rejection. BUT try to re-focus your thoughts on YOU instead of on him and think clearly - is this someone you really want to spend the rest of your life? Is he making you happy? Has he made you feel special? How has he dealt with conflicts and difficult situations.. do you think you could live your life next to him? When it comes to resolving issues and problems do you think that you would like him to turn round and say to you again " Im just not into you.. I want a woman who is.. "?? Do you think that he would be supportive enough? Ask yourself all these questions and maybe write down all his good and all his bad qualities and think deep what are you actually looking for and does he match what you want.

 

When someone leaves you beind feeling rejected and hurt, we constantly worry about the person.. we spend the whole time worrying what they are thinking. do they miss us.. will they come back? BUT we neglect ourselves. We forget that they did not treat us right. They broke up with us and hurt us.. they broke our hearts. They left us feeling really bad about ourselves. they said some nasty things... they wanted us to be gone.. they were not there when we wanted to talk to them.. and we forget that we need to redirect the love to us and think twice do we actually want them back after all this hurt? Surely when someone is in love, they would not want to walk away, they would not let us suffer, they would not break our hearts, they would not want to loose us, they would not want to be without us.. You need to step out of the box now and look at the situation more clearly. Do not think with your blured emoitons and feelings, think with your mind. Look at it from a bigger picture and look into the future and think if that's what you want. You are 37 and you deserve a mature, financially stable man who will be proud of you no matter what kind of criisis you are dealing with and WHO WILL BE INTO YOU and will love you unconditionally. You will maybe realise that he is not all that.. but it will take time. Firstly, you need to heal from the hurt and concentrate on yourself.

 

What always helped me is to chat to a gilfriend, go jogging, to a sport class, go shopping and buy yourself something really nice.. spoil yourself and love yourself like never before..buy yourself a new set of make up.. a new parfume.. something new which means a new start even if it's a small thing.. take a bath and just treat yourself..it will help you to feel better about yourself and you won't feel so needy of him anymore.. Also go and get yourself a book about relationships, it helps me to understand better. Watch a movie and just basically take time for yourself.

 

I promise you - it's not worth stressing about it. It's not worth wasting your time. Live your life. It's so short and we should appreciate each day we have. So enjoy it and leave him behind. He made you sad. He does not deserve you. You have made some mistakes, which drove him away but I think if a man is in love with you, no matter how many mistakes you make he will be there for you through the thick and the thin and he wasn't. He chose to run away so let him. That's my answer. I am not sure if it helped.. if you have any more questions... I will try to reply. I know exactly what you are going through.. I went through a tough time myself with my ex-boyfriend who would be much more dramatic than yours and much more confusing than yours so I should be able to help and I know what is when we feel like noone else understand us and we really need help and talk it out and get some healthy perspective. So do not worry.. I will be here if you need.

[Nikita20]

God bless you Softheart. Thanks for your support. You are a woman of strength, intelligence and immense wisdom. Funny thing is, deep down inside I knew all of these answers, but sometimes it takes others to directly tell us, rather than accept what we already know. Does that make any sense?

 

Strange thing is, I just got an email from his mom. It wasn't directed exclusively to me, but to list of her friends. At the end of the email it stated, "Please pass this on to those who you feel are in need of inner peace." Eerie, huh?

 

Don't worry, I'm not going to respond.

 

I'll keep you posted on what happens.

[soft heart]

Thanks Nikitta. I have to say though that when it comes to men and relationships I am not so strong how it seems. I am 27 years old and I have had to face some really hard situations. If you read my thread, you would be amazed how weak I was because I was in love.. maybe I still am. I wish I could be stronger but all the advice I have given you comes from my own experience and maybe who knows it taught me some tough lesson and I became a stronger person but I am not sure.

 

I would not reply to his mum's email either. She is probably just feeling guilty as well and as a woman understands your feelings. Try to distance yourself from him and his family. Live for you now. You deserve it. And if you need to come here, it's ok. I still go through bad and good days but in general I am in peace.

 

Good luck to you.

[Nikita20]

How far should you take the NC rule? Never contact him again? It doesn't make sense if there is a chance. I believe that there is a chance between us. I'm taking great strides in improving myself: job, taxes, etc.

 

It has been three weeks since we last spoke and I haven't contacted him. He did say that I could contact him. What is bothering me is I think since he's had time to settle down and think about things, he opened the door a crack. He was extremely nervous when he called. I'm just afraid that he will be too scared to call me again because I haven't contacted him for so long. I just don't want to blow a chance with him if there is a chance we can be back together.

 

This is so hard for me. I'm so confused. I miss him deeply and my heart hurts so badly.

[JosiePosie]

I understand the feelings of missing your bf. I am in the same boat too. My story has some similarities to yours, and I had to leave the apartment I shared with my ex on September 15th. He did email me on September 20th apologizing and that he needs time to be alone and wants to talk once he feels better. Blah blah blah.

 

The only time I have contacted him was when it was time to make arrangements for moving out the rest of my things. That was a hard thing to do. I cried hard, not wanting to go but knew that if I stayed, things won't improve.

 

I really appreciate this thread, it has helped reinforce thoughts that have been going through my mind. There are times when I get very lonely and sad for the life we had, but my ex mistreated me and had me feeling bad about certain things about myself. Meanwhile, he has issues as well. I still cry everyday, but the time spent crying is shortening. I just let it out whenever the feelings rise. However, I am tired of crying my eyes out over guys who never completely love and accept me, and what I have to offer. Just this evening I realize that I have emotionally tortured myself with every guy that I have been involved with. And it didn't help the situation. I can appreciate the saying "life is too short to be sad" now. I am proud to have the strength to stand up and leave a hurtful situation.

 

My ex and I haven't talked since the night before I left the apartment. I did see him a couple of times but he didn't see me. It hurt but I got through it. I am in counselling, I attend support group meetings, and I am looking to get into some sort of dance class. Plus I am looking for a new place to live.

 

I have decided not to contact my ex at all. Why would I want to after the way he treated me. My friends say that he will come back once he realizes what he has given up, and to be careful when he does. If he wants to talk, then it is up to him to take the initiative. I am taking this time to learn and appreciate myself. Remember, you are not alone.

[Nikita20]

A girlfriend of mine mentioned that if I love him, I should bite the bullet and call him. She said that he was probably scared s***less to call in the first place and is afraid to call me again. When he called I was pleasant, but, didn't show much emotion at all. In fact I was very strong. She said that men have a much harder time dealing with rejection than women do. Is that true? Also when a man dumps the love of his life and regrets it, what is the likelihood of his fear of rejection getting in the way of trying to make amends? Because if that is true, what a waste of the possibility of having the love of your life back in your arms. Arrrgh!! This is so confusing!!

[Nikita20]

Anyone have any comments on my last thread?

[soft heart]

A girlfriend of mine mentioned that if I love him, I should bite the bullet and call him. She said that he was probably scared s***less to call in the first place and is afraid to call me again. When he called I was pleasant, but, didn't show much emotion at all. In fact I was very strong. She said that men have a much harder time dealing with rejection than women do. Is that true? Also when a man dumps the love of his life and regrets it, what is the likelihood of his fear of rejection getting in the way of trying to make amends? Because if that is true, what a waste of the possibility of having the love of your life back in your arms. Arrrgh!! This is so confusing!!

 

Hey Nikita,

 

I am not sure if I would do what your gilfriend advises you to do but I know that it's also very confusing to you as everyone is giving you a different type of advice. If I were you, I would re-read carefully your post from the day 1 and look at your name of the post. It says "I got dumped.." I still insist that if he loves you and wants to be with you and wants to work on a relationship wtih you, he will not dump you no matter what. He will not tell you that he is not into you and that he needs another type of woman so he can be proud of her. Let me ask you - do you think he deserves your phone call and your love after that? Also he walked away from you and on a number of occasions he told you not to call him? Do you really think a man who loves you with his whole heart would say that? I know it's confusing to you. I have been confused for months but it's actually pretty simple. He chose to move on and to end it and to be ok without you. I think if he was really interested he would find his way back to you even if it would be some silly excuse. Don't you think? Why are you supposed to be the one contacting him after the hurt he has caused you? Has he ever said that he was sorry and that he regrets it? Why would he be scared to contact you again? Don't you think that if two people love each other, they should be able to work out their problems no matter how big they are and if they are too scared or proud then I see this as a failure.

 

Your friend is right that men fear rejection but do you want a man who chooses to fear rejection rather than call you and say he is really sorry and that he is not happy without you and that he really regrets his decision and he really loves you and wants to try again and that he just needed time to think about things.. Don't you want to know that he is doing anything possible to get you back, to fight for you and your love? Even if you call him, how are you going to find out that he really missed you so he couldn't go on with his life without you?

 

You said that when he called yuo showed no emotions. He ended it with you so you are not supposed to be telling him how much you love him for it. You have the right to be hurt and angry and upset after the things he told you and he should realise that he hurt you. How would he ever realise that he hurt you if you are going to be always ok with whatever he says to you or does to you whether it's bad or good? It's the same with friends. If you hurt a friend, it's quite possible that next time you call her/him, he will not show you any emotions and will act pretty distant. If you care for the friend, you realise that you were wrong and you say you are sorrry and you try to make them feel good again. I think it shouldn't be any different with a couple. Love shouldn't be an excuse for anyone to treat you bad or break your heart to still be open to them emotionally. And if he got scared because you were a little distant, he does not seem to be very understanding of your feelings. Imagine if you two have to face a life problem - if you get depressed or worried about something, as a life partner he should be able to stick with you through the thin and thick and pull you up. He chose to leave. Imagine he gets scared every time you show him your real you. Not really easy to rely on such a partner I believe.

 

Obviously noone can tell you even your bestest friend what you should do. I mean I can try to make you realise things and try to look at the situation objectively. But if you feel that giving him a call will make you feel better then you should call him. You should tell him honestly how have you been feeling about it all and how sad you are without him. You should be honest with him and see what he says. This way you won't ever regret not calling and you will also see what he says and how he feels. I know what it is like when we are confused and we are worrying that they are too scared to contact us because of their pride. I know the feeling very well. I think if you can get some kind of closure with him, it will also help you to decided for yourself how you feel about him. There is no point to tell you that you should have no contact with him if you are not 100% sure what he might be thinking because noone knows.

 

And don't worry, whatever the answer will be you will be ok with or without him. Let us know what he said. And if tells you that he has not changed his mind, try to swallow all the pain and wish him well and walk away with dignity and respect. That's the best thing you can do and if you need to cry, cry at home or here with us but not in front of him. Show him that you are strong. But you never know.. he may tell you that he did realise that he made a mistake and he was too afraid to call you. So good luck to you girl!!He is the only one with the answers so go ahead and try to find out for yourself.

 

[Nikita20]

I just found out this horrible news this weekend. I found out my ex is seeing someone and, to top it off, she works with him. I feel so shocked and devastated. I just can’t believe that this is true. At first, when he told me that he was interested in someone else, I just thought that this was a huge lie to push me away to give him his time and space, but I guess I was terribly wrong.

 

I feel like all the life has been sucked out of me and I’m so depressed. My heart is completely gone. All I have is an empty space in the middle of my chest. How can he become involved with someone so quickly like this? This is so unbelievable. After 2 years of being together, I feel that I've meant absolutely nothing to him. How could he just forget me like that? I’ve never felt so much pain in my entire life. I feel so hopeless and I’ll never be able to love again. I wish I could erase all this pain because I need the strength to continue with my job search and take care of the things in my life.

 

The pathetic thing is after all of this, I still want him back. What the hell is wrong with me? I just can’t let him go. I love him so much. The good news is I still haven’t contacted him. And to top it off, he owes me $150. He did mention that he would pay me back. I want to call him to ask him when he plans on paying me. But, deep down inside, I guess I’m just using that as an excuse to contact him.

 

I know I jneed to move on and continue with the NC. It is so hard and I miss him and love him deeply. I feel that there is no hope for me.

[johan]

I HATE that feeling. I've been feeling exactly the same way lately. I've been imagining my ex was not the obsessive, distrustful, scared little girl that I was thinking when we split. I've instead been thinking that her crazy reactions were just brought on by me, and that the guy she's been seeing from her classes will actually be able to have a mature, stable and committed relationship with her. I could think "so what? Guess we weren't meant to be" but that never helps.

 

So I know the feeling you're having. I know it, because of what I imagine she's up to. I knew it after a girl I dated and lived with for four years was married to another guy (the first one she dated after me) within a year of our breaking up. I knew it after my first girlfriend from college killed our relationship by fooling around with another guy.

 

And all of this just makes me face my inadequacies. The fact that I don't even know what it is about me that causes these things to keep happening brings me WAY down.

 

You're having the same thoughts I have. How could it have meant so little? What was it about me that made it so easy for her to just move right on like that? Is this what it's always going to be like? Because my track record is pretty sad.

 

The reason you want him back, outside of actually missing him and loving him, is because it's really hard to face the idea that he could do that. It's natural to 1) think about how YOU failed, and 2) think about ways to fix it. It's really hard to find any way to blame him, because he's happy and his life is going along just fine. It's just yours that's messed up. He gets that "new" feeling and you get misery.

 

It's critical for you to be objective about it. You HAVE to find things about yourself that you appreciate and to get back the belief that you can be loved. Then maybe you can see more clearly what went wrong and how it wasn't your fault and how things could actually go better for you next time. There will be a next time, and it will be better than this time, but the longer you spend keeping yourself down about this one, the longer it will be before the next one gets started.

[soft heart]

Hey Nikitta,

 

sorry I cannot write too long since I have got to leave for work so I'll respond later.

 

I just want to say to you. Do not worry!!! You will get through it. Just come here and vent and cry here on this board and we will help you through it even if it's every day. BUT please do not contact him!!!! I think you would only hummiliate yourself. He found someone else so please walk away with PRIDE and DIGNITY!! Now you should be angry and not desparate to get him back!

 

Please do not say that you will not be able to love again. Do not close your heart because of him. He is not worth spoiling your life. He is just a man who was in your life for 2 years. Some people come and go in our lives and are not meant to stay longer. I believe that things do happen for a reason. Maybe you are not meant to be with him because there is a man out there who will give you the love you want and be proud of you. Your ex sounded like a man who was not good for you. Who hurt you and did not make you feel special. He chose to leave you and to live without you. Please do mirror his actions and leave. It will take time to heal but I promise that you will be find again and you will be much stronger and ready for a new relationship. You just need time to heal. BUT PLEASE DO NOT CALL HIM. He is not calling you. He is not concerned about you. He has moved on. So you really need to do the same. I really hope that with time you will recognise that he was not as special as you believe now. You now think with your feelings. But the pain will go slowly away. And don't worry about the money he owes you. You can survive without it can't you? I mean do you really want to call him to ask for it? He will think that exactly like you said it's an excuse for you to call him and he will see you as weak and desparate woman who is not able to live happily on her own. So do not show him please how you feel. He will know that you are hurt and weak without him.

 

Stay strong and I'll come later to check on you! You can do it!!

[Nikita20]

Johan: Thanks for your reply. Yes, I do need to focus on the positive aspects of myself. I know that I have a lot to offer to someone. I'm intelligent, witty, creative, good sense of humor, good personality, attractive, athletic, a good cook, loyal, etc. I know that I can love again, but it is so hard to believe that right now. When I was with him, we shared something special and we had a very deep, loving relationship. I felt that he was the one and I know he felt the same about me. However, he showed his true colors when he was unhappy about his job. I feel like I screwed this relationship up because I slacked on finding a job and I didn't take care of my responsibilities. I believe it is because of these things that caused him to fall out of love with me. I'm always thinking, "If I only taken care of my issues, we would probably be together." The guilt is killing me. However, someone mentioned to me in a previous thread, if a man truly loves you, he will stick with you through thick and thin. Even my dad mentioned, a man will move mountains for you, when he is in love. I have to face the harsh reality that he is no longer in love with me and I have to move on. That just hurts so much. I feel like my heart has died. In time, I'm sure that will beat again.

 

Softheart: Once again, thank you for your support. Don't worry. I'm not going to call him. I'm sticking to the NC. I know that I can do it. By reading the threads on this board, it has helped me immensely. I know that I'll have my weak moments, but I'll continue reading and posting so that it can help me get through this. I just feel like I'm at an all time low right now. Even when I go out with friends to keep busy, I have this overwhelming sadness. I just want it to go away, however I know in time it will.

[Ruff Ryder]

Possitive side of life is all that really counts so stay focused on that being possitive is 50% of the ballte won. there is a saying "life is not about how you fall its about how you get back up"

 

Ni matter how hard it rains there will always be a sunny day. You will never be throwen more than you can handle everone one is strong but you have to find your strenth and milk it in the hard times and it will always be enought to get you threw.

 

So keep ur chin up stay possitive and good things will start happing to you ok.

 

Keep your chin up.

[Nikita20]

I just don’t get it. It seems like everyone who has been dumped in here has never had a happy ending. It is so unfair. In the cases where there was a good relationship is always the same story, he/she was the love of my life then wham he/she dumped me. Then there is the long, miserable period of NC and time passes. Then the dumper calls for a 2nd chance and then it is too late. The dumpee doesn’t want to take the person back. If you had a good relationship, why not try again? Why throw it away? Why does this have to happen? Is there any hope? I don’t know, it’s such bs how it all ends and people go their separate ways. I just want positive things to happen for all of us dumpees, but I guess it is really hopeless.

 

I’m just pissed right now because I’m so angry with him. I can’t stop thinking about him and just want this pain and misery to end. I want him to call me and tell me that he is sorry and he made a mistake. I want us to resolve our issues and strengthen our relationship. But, I have to suck it up and continue with NC. Then over time I will get better. Then he will call and then it will be too late. How sad is that? We had a good relationship.

[Nikita20]

Anyone have any thoughts on my last post?

[Nikita20]

Hello? Anybody out there?

[Ruff Ryder]

Some times breaking up is the happy ending. Just think that way.

 

Who knows what life is all about what its going to throw you and when its going to do what it does.

 

I think you just do what makes you happy and happiness will follow.

 

Never give up and never let a broken heart take your chance for love away. I live by that saying and some times it hurts like hell but there is life after love.

 

Keep your chin up

 

Have a good one

[Nikita20]

This never ends. Today I get in the mail a $135 cleaning bill from the apartment that we shared. He originally moved in there by himself in July 2003. I met him 3 months later. After 9 months, I moved in with him and we lived there for a year together. In July 2005, He moved to So Cal to pursue his job opportunity. I only lived there for a month then I moved out after we broke up. The lease is still under his name, so I told the property management company to forward the bill to his work. He owes me $150, so I figured he can pay this. Do you guys think that this is fair?

 

Don't worry I'm NOT contacting him. I just feel that I shouldn't pay for the whole amount, we should each pay for half, since we shared the apartment. I don't want to talk to him about this because I want to keep up the NC. I figured this is his problem and he should deal with this.