Ruff Ryder Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 dAMN STRAIGHT HE MUST PAY. Even if you call him to tell him (not advisable but you may need to do it) Just relax refuse to pay the bill (its not the money its the princaple) Dont let him get to you at all ok? Take it easy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikita20 Posted October 27, 2005 Author Share Posted October 27, 2005 Yup, that's how I feel. F this!! Believe it or not, I was going to pay for it, but, since the lease is in his name, he can deal with the cleaning bill. He left me high and dry in that dump. It's problem, not mine. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruff Ryder Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 DAMN STRAIGHT now your thinking Just DONT let it get to you ok? Relax if you ever need a hand or advise or just a bitching session you know where to find us..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikita20 Posted October 28, 2005 Author Share Posted October 28, 2005 Thanks once again. I feel blessed to discover this site. It has helped me by leaps and bounds and has set me straight to keeping up the NC. I know I'm not perfect, who knows, I may have a weak moment and call him, but from reading other posts, once you break the NC, that brings you back to hellacious beginning. Believe me, I don't want to go there. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Nikita -- I just wanted to comment real quick that the reason most of the posters here have bad endings is because once things start to pick up and get better, they no longer feel the need to come here for support - so they dont post. Anotherwords, you are reading the sad stories because the happy ones are out there living their lives. My best friend was dumped after they were engaged, he started dating someone he worked with. My girl was crushed, so much that she refused to stop wearing the ring, thinking that it might somehow trigger his coming back to her. After some real soul-searching, she discovered she didnt even WANT to marry him anymore because he had so many problems w/ himself, that the break up was a blessing in disguise. To make the deal even sweeter, the girl @ his work dumped him because she got sick of him, and he came back to my friend thinking he still had a warm place to live. WRONG! He came over RIGHT when she was getting dropped off from a date, and her ex dropped to his knees in tears (mind you, in front of the new dude) and begged for her back. With strong hope for her future, she was able to say "you know what? I thought you were the love of my life. But you released me and let me see that you were not for me afterall, so thanks for setting me free" and with that, she walked into her place with the new guy in tow, leaving mr.ex sitting outside in the cold (no pun intended) Karma can sometimes be a great thing, you just have to hold on to the hope that since you did no wrong, you have only good to look forward to. Besides, the whole fact that your ex is dating a girl at work? Those relationships almost never work out -- ever. The rare times they do, is so incredibly rare that I would bet $ that this one wont. In any case, dont wait for him to come back to you when that falls thru (believe me he probably will) because the sooner you start working on yourself, the sooner you'll be in the same mindset my friend was in. She is actually engaged to a new guy now (not the guy she was out with that one night, but still) and couldnt be happier. Sometimes these things are a blessing in disguise, it simply takes some suffering for us to recognize the good that we have/will have in our lives. And of course, you will be smarter and stronger in your next relationship, which will only make the whole situation that much better. I know it hurts like hell -- but you will get thru it. At least YOU dont work with him -- that way YOU dont have to see him everyday like this girl will when they break up It can always be worse, believe me. BTW, my story has a happy ending too. I was dumped, and mortified beyond belief that he had the nerve to do that to me. I was able to brush myself off and move on, and he ended up coming back to me. Due to the circumstances, I took him back reluctantly. But so far, it has been clear blue skies and lots of love -- so I am very happy You will be happy too sweetheart - just keep in mind that we are all here to help you out and anytime you feel a moment of weakness and feel the need to call whats-his-name, come over to LS and post away your thoughts. You'll feel SO much better Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikita20 Posted October 28, 2005 Author Share Posted October 28, 2005 Thank you JDub. I appreciate all your posts in this forum, because they are right on the money, not sugarcoated and BS free. Some of them even crack me up, because you can be so blunt, but you are SO correct. However, as a dumpee, sometimes, I hate reading what you have to say, because my mind is so clouded with emotions. But as time goes on, once my logical, rational mind kicks in, as I continue reading, it makes more and more sense. Thanks for your input and support. It is greatly appreciated!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikita20 Posted October 28, 2005 Author Share Posted October 28, 2005 However, JDub, one last comment. I did feel like I did wrong though. I think since I was a slacker and didn't take care of my responsiblities is what killed his love for me. If you read my original, longwinded post you will see the details of our break up. I'm willing to fix these things, I even emailed him stating that I would, but he wouldn't give me a 2nd chance. That, along with him immediately seeing someone else, is what is KILLING me!! Ugh!! Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 I totally understand -- the brutal truth is often what we dont want to hear because if for some reason we have a reason to hold on, we'll use that as an excuse to believe it'll all be fixed with time. Amazingly? It IS going to be fixed with time, but you have to be smart about how you spend your "in the meantime" while things smooth themselves back out. The bad thing to do would be sit around waiting for him to come back to you (im not going to lie, it sounds like he probably will, the second you turn your back and move on of course) but waiting for that would make no sense considering there is no way to predict how long it will be, and moreso, do you REALLY want someone who gave you up like that? I'd be terrified he'd do it all over again. Anyway - thats just my thought process, lets cross that bridge when it happens. You are going thru a very difficult time right now. I've read about studies where people suffer the same symptoms in relationship endings as they do when someone they love DIES. Weird huh? But, we all know that it IS possible to move on, and YOU can make it easier simply by believing in yourself. You dont want to go out and start dating right away, that wouldnt be a good idea. Right now is "me" time for you...pamper yourself, buy yourself some new treats or clothes...get your hair done or nails...whatever makes you feel better. I personally like to get a whole new wardrobe in case I happen to run in to that person, that way I look different and more confident Go out with the girls and shamelessly flirt with random strange boys. You'll be surprised how many will smile back if you give them a little wink I did that as an exercise to work on my self-esteem, and was absolutely astonished when I went to Targ3t and coyly flashed some teeth to some passing guys and they got all giddy..it was GREAT! I highly recommend you try it, you have nothin to lose anyhow. Best of all, the very act of smiling has been shown to lift your spirits, even if its FAKE! Go figure. Anyhow -- youre doing a lot better than some would be right now, so I can tell you will have no problem brushing yourself off and begin to realize your own self worth Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 However, JDub, one last comment. I did feel like I did wrong though. I think since I was a slacker and didn't take care of my responsiblities is what killed his love for me. If you read my original, longwinded post you will see the details of our break up. I'm willing to fix these things, I even emailed him stating that I would, but he wouldn't give me a 2nd chance. That, along with him immediately seeing someone else, is what is KILLING me!! Ugh!! Oh hun dont worry, what youre going thru is a stage of a break up. Greif comes in stages actually, so what youre going thru right now is the bargaining thought process...stuff like "maybe if I did this, it would have prevented the break up" the problem is, you didnt know it at the time and theres no way you could. It was inevitable to happen, and everything happens for a reason -- so obviously you were meant to be taught this lesson -perhaps to apply to the next relationship with whomever. Regardless, dont blame yourself. Its perfectly normal and healthy to feel remorse and willingness to take the fault for something like this, but dont torture yourself any more...its not your fault at all, and there's no way you can know it was going to happen -- we're not fortune tellers you know? Take it easy on yourself though, you didnt do anything wrong Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikita20 Posted October 28, 2005 Author Share Posted October 28, 2005 You rock girlfriend!! If we were ait a bar, I'd buy you a drink or two!! Ha!! ha!! But, seriously, thanks for your support. I've never felt so much pain in my life. The reason being is because I truly believed that he was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Now that he is gone, I feel like I've gone through almost all the stages that people go through when someone dies: 1) denial 2) anger 3) bargaining 4) depression 5) acceptance. I'm sort of teetering into Stage 5, but I know that I'm in Stage 4, because I've been majorly down and out. I do try and remain active, go out with friends, but I just can't kick this sadness, but I know it will take time. Yes, I will try and flash my pearly whites at a few unsuspecting men. Well, they aren't so pearly because I've been smoking up a storm since this breakup, but that is what the Sonicare toothbrush is for--to keep 'em pearly white. Ha!! Ha!! Thanks once again for your support JDub!! As always, you are right on the money, honey!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikita20 Posted October 28, 2005 Author Share Posted October 28, 2005 Okay folks, I blew it. In a moment of weakness, I left him a message about the cleaning bill, to let him know that the property management company is sending it to him, since he was still on the lease. The message was short and sweet. I also asked him when he plans on paying me back. To give you the background: Yesterday, I get in the mail a $135 cleaning bill from the apartment that we shared. He originally moved in there by himself in July 2003. I met him 3 months later. After 9 months, I moved in with him and we lived there for a year together. In July 2005, He moved to So Cal to pursue his job opportunity. I only lived there for a month then I moved out after we broke up. The lease is still under his name, so I told the property management company to forward the bill to his work. He owes me $150, so I figured he can pay this. I know I f'ed up. I just want to hear back from him. Damn it, why did I do this? Oh well, I guess I'm human and I'm not perfect. But now I'm in major panic mode because I broke the NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruff Ryder Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 DAMN dont get so worked up. Its not a huge thing. You had to get your cash back so you called. You didnt say anything like "i miss you" or "love the sound of your voice" did you? If not then relax girl...... Just take a break and relax its not woth getting worked up about ok..... :) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikita20 Posted October 29, 2005 Author Share Posted October 29, 2005 I talked to him about the cleaning bill. At first, the conversation didn't go well, he was defensive, we had a spat and he hung up on me. I called him back, calmed him down, he agreed to pay for the bill, since we did share the apartment. However, he doesn't know when he can pay me back the remainder of what he owes because apparently he mentioned that he is on a tight budget. I have a funny feeling he is going to screw me over on this, but the lease is in his name. So we will see who gets screwed. He did mention that he saw me at a couple of concerts: Interpol & Oasis. He He asked about my current job situation. I told him I'm currently negotiating with a company that sent me a job offer and have other prospects. He mentioned that he is looking for a job as well and wants to leave the theater company he is working for. I even mentioned (which was a BIG mistake) during the conversation, I'm still confused on why we broke up, but I accept your decision and I have moved on. But don't worry, I didn't say anything like I miss you, I still love you, etc. His last words were, "Good luck with your job search and call me if you need anything." Big whoop. I guess I got my answer. He is done. I feel like an idiot for calling him. I guess I'm brain damaged after all the advice I've gotten here. What the f was I thinking? I should have never called him, I should of let him get the bill first and deal with me. But, no, I had to talk to him and now I feel like complete crap. The crazy thing is I'm still hoping that we will get back together. I think I need my brain re-wired. Ugh!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikita20 Posted October 29, 2005 Author Share Posted October 29, 2005 I went out with some of my girlfriends last night to a country western bar (Yes, country western. Not my gig at all, but I loved it!! I actually want to learn how to line dance. Go figure!! Yee Haw!!). I went outside to have a smoke and was sitting outside by myself. This cowboy dude walks up to me and tells me to smile. I guess I looked down and out. He asked me why I was so sad and I said I lost the love of my life. The cowboy said, "Ah don't worry darlin', it happens to all of us. Just be sure to take care of yourself and live life to the fullest. They ain't worth it." I shed a few tears and then he ended up totally cracking me up. Before he left he said, "I don't wanna see anymore tears, I just want to see that big, lovely smile of yours." He was a nice guy, not my type, but it was nice of him to cheer me up. It is strange when you are down, how people out of the blue reach out and lift your spirits. Sometimes I think it is "the man upstairs" watching out for ya. I woke up this morning feeling blue. I'm still thinking of the ex. Missing him badly. Wanting him back so desperately. I just want the love that we had back. It was so beautiful and real. Why did it have to come to such an ugly end? It hurts me so deeply. I've never experienced such sadness in my life. I'm sticking with the NC though. It will be a rough road ahead, but I shall remain strong. I don't know what the future may bring, but I am going to grab it by the reins and see where it takes me. I will get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikita20 Posted October 30, 2005 Author Share Posted October 30, 2005 Okay.. Yesterday, a few hours later after I posted, I don't know what overcame me, but I decided to call him to see if he contacted the property management place. He didn't answer his phone, thank god. I didn't leave a message. He calls me back, and leaves a message on my phone, "I see that you called me, so I'm calling you back. I called the property management company and they confirmed that the lease is still in my name. They said you left the apartment in a complete MESS. But, I'm taking care of of the bill." What a jerk. I didn't leave the place in a mess. But, I sure wasn't going to slave over cleaning the place when the property manager mentioned that they will have a cleaning crew come in to shampoo the carpets, scour the kitchen and bathroom, etc., after I move out. She said this is normal procedure when tenants move out. I left ithe apartment in the same condition that it was when I originally moved in. His snide message just confirms what an immature, ignorant, selfish jerk he is. The sad part is when he was with me, he wasn't like this at all. I'm only seeing this side of him after our breakup. I guess he is just behaving this way because he is hurt and he wants to take it out on me. And, his behavior is making me feel even worse. I'm NOT calling him back. That's it. I've had enough. I don't need this type of treatment. To all the dumpees wanting to contact the people that dumped them, DON'T DO IT. It isn't worth it. By doing this, you lose your dignity and self worth. Plus, it will make you feel miserable. In the meantime, stay strong, it will pay off in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikita20 Posted October 30, 2005 Author Share Posted October 30, 2005 I'm so confused. My brain is going round and round like a broken record. I'm beating myself up for contacting him. I should of never done this. I wanted to stick to the NC in hopes that he would miss me, think about what he had done, realize his mistakes and perhaps contact me to reconcile. There are some moments when I can fully accept that it is over. Then I have thoughts that in time, perhaps this will work out. I hate this!! It is driving me crazy. Why can't I see the writing on the wall? Ugh!! I think that he hates me because of this stupid cleaning bill and I've pushed him away further. When we talked, I didn't mention anything about the relationship, I didn't tell him I missed him, I still loved him, etc. But, don't worry, I vowed to myself I am NOT contacting him any further. Does anyone have any thoughts about me contacting him? Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted October 30, 2005 Share Posted October 30, 2005 Don't beat yourself up about it. It was such a minor thing compared to the whole relationship. And it won't have any effect at all on the outcome. He'll miss you or he won't all on his own. He doesn't have any idea what kind of anguish you're going through the rest of the time. If you were revealing that to him, then I'd say you need to re-think. Cutting off contact is really not about making him miss you (although that would be nice, wouldn't it). It's just the best way for you to get the wounds to heal up as quickly as possible. Hang in there and take good care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 Nikita, don't beat yourself up youre allowed to make mistakes, youre human afterall. Besides - now when you REALLY apply the NC feature to your situation it will be even more obvious you suddenly disappeared...going from calling to NOT calling is a big step. BTW - if a hot cowboy deliberately hit on me like you explained, it would make my entire month. I am envious of you right now Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikita20 Posted November 1, 2005 Author Share Posted November 1, 2005 Well, it's Halloween night and I feel like putting on my flapper girl cosume and going out. I wanted to go to this concert, however, none of my friends could make it. I was going to go solo, but I was roaming around this website for tickets and I saw a post from a guy who was interested in someone joining him. In his post, he said he was cute, funny, intelligent, etc, so I responded. He sent me his pic and he isn't bad looking, but I wouldn't consider him cute. In fact, he kinda looks nerdy looking. Oh well. I'm still going to join him. I chatted with him on the phone and he sounds nice. I'm just going out to boost my confidence, get me out of my slump and put myself out there. Who knows what other cute boys that may be there that I can flash my pearly whites to. Ha!! Ha!! Anyway, I hope my evening goes well. Wish me luck. I still miss my ex, in fact, I wish I was going to the concert with him because it is a band that we both really like. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikita20 Posted November 2, 2005 Author Share Posted November 2, 2005 I did it again. I called him. I was really down and out today. Anyway, he answered his phone and I told him I didn't appreciate his rude message. He got snippy with me at first and said, "Are you just calling me to tell me that?" After we spoke some more, he was really nice. He even apologized about the rude message he left me. He said that he was just irritated with the whole situation. I told him I didn't leave the place in a mess and he believed me. He even added that the property manager said that she tried getting me to sign the lease and said I refused. I told him why in the heck would I do that? He agreed that her story didn't make any sense and even commented that the property manager is a flake and a liar. I told him that I went to a concert last night and he mentioned that he was envious because he wanted to go, but since he is on a tight budget, he couldn't go. I told him I couldn't really afford it either, but I just decided to go anyway. He asked me how it was and I told him it was awesome and I had a really good time. He asked about my job prospects I told him about my interview next week. I told him I was really depressed working at my sister's place and I needed to find a new job soon. I told him, "I don't understand why I've been here for three years." He said, "Well, I guess you were just kinda lazy, but it sounds like you are making progress." We also talked about his current job prospect. He even mentioned that when he gets some extra cash he will pay me back. Overall, I feel good about the conversation. He was being polite, kind and sincere, which made me feel relieved. I didn't mention anything about the relationship, how much I missed him and loved him, etc. I'm not reading too much into this. I know that he still doesn't want me back. Who knows what the future may hold? I hope someday we will get back together. But, in the meantime I'm moving forward and taking care of myself, with or without him. Anybody have any input or thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 I dont understand -- you go from one end of the spectrum to the other and I'm not sure you realize the damage you are doing to yourself and your self esteem by allowing these sudden urges to call him to take you over. Now I'm sure youre overanalyzing the conversation and what he did/didnt say, which is only going to confuse you more. I promise if you stay away from him for a while you'll start to see that you don't even want to speak with him afterall. I dont know exactly what you are seeking as far as advice goes, I'm assuming youre hoping someone will say that it sounds like you have a chance with this guy again. But girl...he's with someone else. You need to move on and stop wasting time worrying about him, its for your wellbeing and dignity. If he wanted to talk to you, he'll call you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikita20 Posted November 2, 2005 Author Share Posted November 2, 2005 J Dub: I know I shouldn't have contacted him. I just had a weak moment and made a mistake. Don't worry, I'm not analyzing the conversation, nor am I expecting for him to come back. I have to accept the fact that he is gone, but it is just so painful. I think about him all the time. I love this man so much. We had a good relationship. I guess all I want is answers from him. I just feel like I don't have any closure. But, it really doesn't matter. The writing is on the wall--he is finished with the relationship. I have to let him go, stick with the NC, heal myself and move on. Thanks for your input. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruff Ryder Posted November 5, 2005 Share Posted November 5, 2005 Nikita, don't beat yourself up youre allowed to make mistakes, youre human afterall. Besides - now when you REALLY apply the NC feature to your situation it will be even more obvious you suddenly disappeared...going from calling to NOT calling is a big step. BTW - if a hot cowboy deliberately hit on me like you explained, it would make my entire month. I am envious of you right now Hey ther im no cow boy but ill hit on you all you want Just kidding. Nikata some things in life happen that are not only out of our controll but also cant be explaind. I know why you called him i called my ex the other day too. It all comes down to emotionall attachment, at some stage the anger and fustration over take the pain and once that happens you wont want to call him see him or even think about him. So just chill you having a hard time and thats ok but it will be ok (it always is) You will meet some one who is stricktly made for you and then youll look back and say DAMN you lucky that one ended.... Keep your chin up Babygirl the sun shines after the rain. Stick to NC it is hard but it help and you heal faster. Hope your ok... Ruff Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikita20 Posted November 7, 2005 Author Share Posted November 7, 2005 Lately, I've been feeling really down in the dumps. I've even talked to a counselor on Friday, to help me get over this "funk" I've been in. I need to be clear headed and positive because I have a lot of things I need to take care of: finding a job, taking care of my license, etc. Now I just got a $695 bill for my cell phone and I nearly panicked. I just feel like my life is spinning out of control because I lost the love of my life, I'm broke, I have a lousy paying job and I'm up to my ears in debt. I just feel like jumping off a bridge right now. Good news is I have another job interview on Friday, so hopefully this one will pan out and the company will pay me what I'm worth. I just want to be sucessful, independent and responsible like I was before in the past. The counselor mentioned that perhaps I was going through some form of depression because of my neglect towards my responsibilities. I asked her advice on what I should do about the ex. I also told her that I know that he is seeing someone else, but don't know how serious it is. She mentioned that him contacting me was a means of opening up the door and testing the waters. I also asked her if I should contact him, just to hear her professional opinion, she said, "You have to look at it this way, will you have any regrets about not contacting him 2 years from now? You just have to follow your heart." I told her, if I contacted him and he rejected me, my heart couldn't take it right now. She said, "There is your answer, give it some time." I just want some positive things to happen to me right now. I know that they can't happen overnight, but the pain I'm feeling hurts so bad. I still think about him everyday. Every once in awhile, I even cry. I'm still wishing and hoping that he will contact me. However, I am still sticking with the NC, with every bit of strength in me. It is just so damn hard. I miss him and love him so much. Any positive comments from you fellow loveshackers would help me right now. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Nikita, you have much in common with my ex. Except that you actually want your guy back. I have no indication like that from mine. I can only say that you're doing the right things and thinking the right way. And that should give you heart that you can have faith in yourself and you'll come through all this. Keep your chin up. FYI, the things I think you're doing right are: Posting here when you feel the need to express yourself and ask for support Keeping to your resolution to avoid contact with him until you feel strong enough to handle it. Allowing yourself to grieve. Seeing the counselor. Trying to keep a clear head and stay positive. Link to post Share on other sites
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