I got dumped and need advice

[Nikita20]

I have a job interview today and I'm a bit nervous, but that's normal. However, once I get at the interviewing table, I know I will shine. I work well under pressure and enjoy challenges like this. Hopefully, this job will pan out. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Also, I have an interview tomorrow.

 

In the meantime, I've been waking up every morning constantly thinking about him. Each day that goes by with NC from him KILLS me. I'm beginning to believe that I'll never hear from him again. How could he just throw me away like that, after all we shared, after the promises he made me? We did have a wonderful relationship. I feel it in my heart that we are meant to be together.

 

In the meantime, I'm getting my responsiblities in order: job, license, taxes. I've paid off the 2003 taxes that I owe. I'm looking for a job. 2004 taxes and license is next when I come across some money. I've been responsible practically all of my life. I just happened to slip when I was with him. I deserve a 2nd chance damn it!! I want him to see the improvements in me, but now I have to resort to NC. I don't want to be with anyone else but him. It just seems like this is a no-win situation and that is what is really depressing.

[Nikita20]

I just got out of a 2 hour interview and I was a smashing success!! They only had me slated for an hour, but I really impressed them. I interviewed with 3 people. The last person I spoke with was the Director of Sales--he basically said that he wanted me on his team. And, to top it off, this is a great company to work for. I feel great, yet I feel sad. I feel sad because I can't share my success with my ex. I know he would of been extremely ecstatic and proud.

 

The only drawback is the position is a contract position for 3 months, without any benefits or bonuses. Then, if you maintain your quota and prove yourself, you can become permanent. The contractors salary is crappy, however, once you become permanent, the salary is close to what I was making before in the high tech industry. Arrrgh!! Back to the negotiating table.

 

Anyway, just thought I'd share that with you fellow loveshackers.

 

Any words of encouragement would be nice. I feel good, yet sad.

[scobro]

i would look at this as part of growing and moving on.Its a huge event in your life that is after your break-up/divorce or separation.This happened in your time not in the past with your ex so feel happy who cares he cannot share in the moment. If he wasn't such a horses ass he would be with you, so feel proud not sad and congrats on the new job.

[Nikita20]

Today, I just interviewed with another company. And, I aced the interview. It is for an inside sales position. This company is a start up, and I'm not sure if I am going to take the position, because I'm not sure if it is a good fit for me. The interview was a bit more difficult, but, I nailed it. It is for an inside sales position and the last task she had me do was to try and sell her a pen. I was so good, I ended up selling her two boxes of pens!! She said, "Out of all the candidates I interviewed, you are the first person that was able to sell me a pen. Not only did you sell me a pen, but you sold me two boxes of pens!!" She mentioned that I would most definitely hear from them again. The previous company I interviewed with yesterday, called me today and mentioned for me to contact them. I feel like the world is my oyster. I have my confidence back and I feel like a million bucks!!

 

However, I have regrets. Why was I so unmotivated when I was with my ex? I wish I could go back in time and fix that because if I had that drive and determination, he wouldn't have dumped me. He lost respect for me. And that is the price I have to pay. But it is a heavy one. I would do anything to try and get him back. However, I must stick to the NC and see what happens. As time goes on, without any contact from him, I guess my chances are diminishing. I just feel so sad. If he were to see the improvements in me, he would be impressed.

[Kengne]

However, I have regrets. Why was I so unmotivated when I was with my ex? I wish I could go back in time and fix that because if I had that drive and determination, he wouldn't have dumped me. He lost respect for me. And that is the price I have to pay. But it is a heavy one. I would do anything to try and get him back. However, I must stick to the NC and see what happens. As time goes on, without any contact from him, I guess my chances are diminishing. I just feel so sad. If he were to see the improvements in me, he would be impressed.

 

Hello Nikita!

 

First of all - congrats on the interviews! Sounds like you did an amazing job.

 

2nd - how are you doing today? Hopefully feeling a little more upbeat.

 

Now, I've noticed a recurring theme in your posts... reminiscing.. "Oh if I'd done X instead of Y... ", "If only I could go back in time.." "I should've/could'vd/would've done X..."... STOP IT! You are going to drive yourself crazy thinking these thoughts. It's pointless to wish you'd done things differently or wish to go back & change things - BECAUSE YOU CAN'T. Why think about things you CAN'T control and CAN'T change?

 

It's negative thinking... it's very destructive... and I see with you it's a vicious cycle.

 

It's normal to have regrets. We ALL have regrets. But the point is you have to LET GO of your past regrets - and MOVE ON and GROW from that. Holding onto what COULD'VE been will only stunt your healing. It is useless, and will not change the PRESENT DAY.

 

Going forward - yes, from TIME to TIME you remember your regrets but you should focus more on the PRESENT and making sure you don't repeat those same mistakes!

 

Don't you know you WILL love someone else again? YOU WILL NIKITA! How quickly that happens is not under your or my control, but the 1st step towards that is ACKNOWLEDGING there is LIFE & LOVE after a break-up. Your DESTINY is never tied to those who walk away from you. Do not try to hold onto them. If they walk back into your life, great. If not - GREAT.

 

Another thing... I notice you said you wished your ex was there to share in your joy. I used to think that for a MINUTE abt my ex R, when smth special happened in my life. You know how I stopped that tht - by remembering that MY JOY is MY JOY. I don't NEED someone there in my life for it to be JOYFUL. If he was supposed to have been there to share it with me - he would've been. But he wasn't - and I ACCEPT THAT. But I do not let it stop me from enjoying MY JOY.

 

Hopefully some of this makes sense to you.

 

Good luck... and keep us posted!

 

K.

[Nikita20]

Kenge:

 

Thanks for your input. I know that shouldn't dwell on the past and obsess on my regrets. I realize my mistakes and I'm taking steps to improve myself. I've been through many relationships and for the first time in my life, I knew that this was the one and now it is gone. I'm 37 years old. I want to get married and I want a family. My chances of having that are diminishing. I seriously don't think that I will find anyone like him again. My ex would of been a great husband. He wanted to marry me and have children. We were so compatible, it was scary. However, I know deep in my heart, due to my lack of ambition and drive is what killed the relationship. He believed in me, but since I didn't believe in myself, since I didn't have any self worth, he lost hope and ended up leaving me.

 

Now that he's gone, I have no one to answer to but myself. I'm trying to get my life back in order. I'm trying to find a job and be successful. I've had all this before in the past. Even if I get the right job and have a nice income, it still won't matter because I no longer have him in my life anymore. And, that is a heavy price to pay. And that's what hurts so bad.

 

I know that we can work this out, however, now that he is seeing someone else, this is impossible--he has moved on. I've accepted that and I know that there is nothing that I can do to change that. I'm sticking to the NC to heal my heart and move on. But, no one will ever compare to him. No one. All I have to look forward to is being single, unmarried and alone. Perhaps I will find love in time, but it won't be the same love that we shared.

[AriaIncognito]

Nikita,

 

I came and read this entire thread, since you were so kind as to offer me advice in my thread. You are right, your situation does have parallels to mine, you being similar to my ex and all that. But, as an onlooker, I'll say this....

 

I've always wished my ex would want to straighten up his life, just for HIMSELF. Not because I was making him do it, or because he felt pressured from me or others. I wanted HIM to want more for HIMSELF. To prove to me that he valued himself and his own life. So far, he's not done that. YOU are out there and you are doing that. And you know what, you're going to have your sh*t straightened out for the next guy that comes along, and he's going to wonder how someone as great as you could still be on the market.

 

I think the best thing about your scenario, is that you are dealing with yourself and the things you want to be better for yourself. That, in turn, will lead to better relationships for you in the future. I know it's hard to see now, I have a hard time accepting it as well. But I know in my mind that my heart has been broken before, and I've said I'll never love again before, but somehow, eventually and in due time, I always have loved again.

 

So, keep moving forward. You are doing SOO awesomely with all the job interviews and trying to straighten out your life. I wish my ex would do the same for himself.

 

Oh, and just a little advice on your job situation....

 

You mentioned the one job wants to do 3 months then go permanent. I did this with my current job. It wasn't set at 3 months so to speak, but they wanted to hire me (supposedly) but the job req was frozen and they didn't know when it would be opened up. They offered for me to come in as a contractor (the money was comparable to what i'd make full time, just no benefits) and then I'd be converted to full time employee when the job req opened up. Now, they could have backed out of that offer at any time, had I sucked at what I do, considering I was just a contractor and that agreement to hire me was only verbal not written. So, I just went in there, kicked some booty, and they hired me a little less than 2 months later.

 

If you think the job is the one for you, take the risk. You'll more than likely find that it is worth it in the end :-) 3 months will be over before you know it, and you'll be a perm employee with all the trimmings :-)

 

Good luck to you, I'm personally very proud of how far you've come.

 

Jennifer

[Nikita20]

Aria:

 

What do you propose as far as my ex is concerned? I feel like our situation can be remedied. However, he broke it off with me and I'm taking NC route. He is also seeing someone else. I don't know how serious it is. Once I do get a job and take care of my things: taxes, license, I would like to perhaps contact him again to let him know that my life is back in order. However, since I got dumped, I have to take the NC route, so he will never know. It is like a no-win situation. I just feel our relationship is worth saving, but I have to leave it in his hands.

 

What would you want your ex to do if you dumped him? Perhaps your answer will help me.

[AriaIncognito]

Well, i think it's best that you stick with NC until you've really gotten yourself in order. I know in my situation, if my ex were to come back and be all "well I went on a job interview, please take me back" i'd not really be too prone, because it's not just the job thing that I'm upset over. I'm upset over his overall lack of motivation in his life. That, takes time. The fact that you want to do it, for yourself, is the biggest thing. Don't do ANY of this for him. Do it for YOU. If you and he happen to have a second crack at things because of your getting yourself together, all the better, but don't do it in expectations that it will win him back. Do it for you. Plus, since he is seeing someone else, it's bound to be some time before you are BOTH potentially ready for a relationship.

 

Keep moving forward with the positive things you are doing. Even if he doesn't come around, I'm sure someone will :-)

 

Jennifer

[J dub]

no one will ever compare to him. No one. All I have to look forward to is being single, unmarried and alone. Perhaps I will find love in time, but it won't be the same love that we shared.

Alright now this is just crazy talk. You WILL find someone better and more qualified for YOUR position it's just a matter of time hun. And as they say, time flies...

 

Also -- it probably wont be the same love you had with him, with someone else: which would be a blessing! Everytime we are with someone and it ends, we all think "gosh I am NEVER going to find someone better than ___!" and then we do, and then it ends and we think, "gosh I am NEVER EVER going to find someone better than that!" ...lather, rinse, repeat....

 

Seriously now, I know its difficult to see the big picture right now because you are focused in on what has gone wrong. But you are in the driver's seat now...getting a new job, meeting new people and lots of opportunity for events and such. THAT is what everyone needs after a break up, a fresh start. See, when my bf and i broke up I was stuck in the same ol' place and EVERYTHING reminded me of him even at WORK! I couldnt concentrate worth a damn and every single day I was sending out my resume and crossing my fingers to get the helll away from that place.

 

Hang in there, I can see you making vast improvements and sooner - rather than later - you'll be seeing it too

[mazza32cott]

You know what, I get the gut feeling that something is not right and that you deserve and answer. I recon call him and find out. Maybe another woman and he is too gutless to call you. Perhaps he is keeping you hanging on. Sorry to say it but I truly believe that.

 

Maz

[mazza32cott]

Sorry, forgot to mention, the job thing etc is not it at all. He is just looking at shifting the blame.

[Nikita20]

Mazza:

 

I don't think that he ever cheated on me, but who knows. As far as I'm concerned, he was a very loyal boyfriend. This girl that he is seeing, does work with him. I don't know how long she's been with the company. I've never met her before. When we would go to company functions, I met most of his co-workers. I have a hunch that she wasn't working there for very long.

 

Maybe he had an interest in her before he moved down to So Cal, but didn't pursue it because he was with me. When he quit his job in So Cal and moved back up north, he got his old job back. When I asked to see him in person to break up with me, which was the end of August, he said that he was interested in someone else. I didn't believe him at first because he wasn't in a normal frame of mind. He was stressed out and frazzled. A month later I found out that he is seeing someone and she works with him.

 

I was so shocked. For him to see someone so soon, blew my mind away. It just doesn't make any sense. In June, we spent a vacation in France for 2 weeks. I met his aunt, uncle and grandparents. They really liked me. In July, before he left to go to So Cal, he writes me this beautiful birthday card saying how important I am in his life, how this move isn't to move away from me, but to take our relationship to the next level. His actions really don't make any sense whatsoever.

 

At this point, even if I do get a straight answer from him, it really doesn't matter. He broke up with me, he is no longer in love with me and it is over, as far as I'm concerned. I think by calling him to get closure, wouldn't serve me any purpose except for putting another bullet in my heart. However, it doesn't mean that I don't have any urges to call him. Believe me, I do. Each day, I think about calling him. I want to know if he still cares about me, misses me, has 2nd thoughts, etc. His silence speaks volumes. In order for me to heal and move on I have to continue with the NC. It sucks, but it is the only way for me to go. God, I hate this.

[Nikita20]

I couldn't take it anymore and I called him tonight. I just wanted to test the waters and see how he would react. The conversation was nice and I didn't mention anything about the relationship. He told me what he was up to etc., etc. I asked him if I could get theater tickets from him and he said yes. I gave him an update on my job search and even mentioned that I enrolled in the classes to get my drivers license back. I told him that the classes were on Mondays and I asked him if he would like to get dinner sometime. He said that he didn't think that it would be a good idea. Then we said our goodbyes. He wished me luck in my classes and hoped that I had a good night.

 

I know that I screwed up. I was hoping that he would be open to having dinner with me. I guess his refusal is a slap in my face and another wake up call. I know why he refused--he is seeing someone else. Don't worry, I didn't ask him why he refused, I just left it at that.

 

I can't let him go. The reason being is because we had such a good relationship. He is a good person: lovable, affectionate & caring. I truly believe that we were meant to be together--we had so much in common. I am close to getting a new job, I'm getting my license back and I've even paid a portion of my taxes off. I am improving myself, not because of him, but for me. I know if we were to reconcile our relationship would be stronger than ever because I know where I went wrong. It is just sad that he is throwing this away and not looking back. I seriously don't know how I'm going to get over this. I feel so devistated.

 

I'm still seeing the counselor to try and cope with this. I hope one day I will move forward and be over this. It is so damn hard and I feel so helpless. I love him so much.

[Nikita20]

Well, as you guys know, I got tickets from the ex to see a play (he originally offered them to me in September). I'm having 2nd thoughts about going. It is this Thursday. I doubt he will be there because the play starts at 8pm and typically he gets off at 6pm. I don't know what to do. Anyone have any thoughts?

[J dub]

werent you in the process of negotiating a job about a month or so ago? what happened with that??

 

I dunno about the play, that's probably not a good idea seeing as how the phone call made you feel. You really should cut off all ties with him in order to get past this.

[Nikita20]

Well...I ended up seeing the play last Thursday and it sucked. I went alone because my friend had to cancel out at the last minute because of her boyfriend. It was understandable. They were in a car accident about a month ago. That evening, her boyfriend was in pain and wanted her to stay home with him. Anyway, when I arrived at the theater, I was nervous as hell because I thought perhaps I'd see him, but I didn't. If I saw him, my plans were to look my best, be positive and chat with him briefly. I only ended up watching about 45 minutes of the play and then I gracefully exited out of the theater. I was sad because I didn't see him at all. I guess he didn't want to see me and that hurts.

 

Anyway, I'm thinking of calling him just to thank him for the tickets. It's been about a week and now I think that it is too late to call him. I don't know what I should do. What do you guys think?

[Nikita20]

Hello anyone out there?

[Nikita20]

I was looking forward to having a nice New Years Eve. My girlfriend and I planned to go out of the area and spend time in SF at a club where they play alternative modern 80s rock. I was so happy about going. Most of the clubs in the area I live in are so lame--especially for New Years. The weird thing, is back in 2003, my ex and I went to this venue and had a blast. After I bought the tickets, I thought in the back of my mind the possibility that he would be there, but I thought, nah, his new girlfriend probably has some other agenda, etc., etc.

 

When we arrived at the club, we ordered a drink and walked into the main dance floor. My girlfriend grabs me and says, "Oh my God, your ex is in the corner of the room." I looked quickly and I nearly died. He didn't see me. But, when I looked at him again, it looked like he wasn't having any fun at all. In fact, he looked depressed. Anyway, we quickly did an about face and headed towards the bar. The only unfortunate part is that the bar was small. I was in major panic mode and I wanted to bail. But, my girlfriend said, "F it. Are you going to let him ruin our evening? Screw him." Fortunately, there were two dance rooms. So when he and current girlfriend left the main dance floor, we walked in. My girlfriend told me, "Act confident, have fun, pretend he doesn't exist and who gives a f about him." So I did.

 

There were a group of people that we met at the bar--they knew about my situation and they encouraged me to dance with them. However, I did have my girlfriend do the "ex patrol" in case we had to gracefully exit out of the room. As my girlfriend was watching, she mentioned that he saw me and his girlfriend was trying to nonchalantly look over in my direction. After a few songs, they ended up leaving the bar and I was relieved. I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulder.

 

My biggest question is why in the f did he go to that place? It literally blew my mind away. Out of all the places to go to on New Years Eve, he picks that one!! I just have a sneaking suspicion he suspected that I would go there and he wanted to see me. I don't know. The good news is there was NO drama, I didn't do any contact whatsoever and I looked like I was having a good time. He saw me positive and happy--that was the key. And HE ended up leaving, not me. So I see myself the stronger person.

 

Now my heart is completely shattered. I feel like a wreck. Will I ever get over this? This is so damn painful, I don't know what to do. I'm so sick of feeling like this. It is so draining and paralyzing. All I want is for 2006 to be positive and so far it has started as a big disappointment.

[Kengne II]

Now my heart is completely shattered. I feel like a wreck. Will I ever get over this? This is so damn painful, I don't know what to do. I'm so sick of feeling like this. It is so draining and paralyzing. All I want is for 2006 to be positive and so far it has started as a big disappointment.

 

Dear Nikita,

 

Wow. I've been reading your posts for a long while now and I'm sorry to see that you're still in so much pain. I know it was awful seeing your ex like that NYE but the good thing is that he saw you confident & happy, feel me?

 

Please don't let one day spoil your whole year. I believe everything happens for a reason. There is a reason why you saw your ex that nite. Maybe you needed to see him and the current gf to realize that it really & truly is over - for now. Who knows what may or may not happen in the future?

 

Please take comfort in 2006 being a new year for new beginnings and the end to past hurts.

 

K.

[Nikita20]

Thank you Kenge for your support. I feel like I'm the only one posting on this thread.

 

Yes, I believe that things do happen for a reason. Perhaps for me, this was to bring the closure I needed. Perhaps for him, to realize what a big mistake he made. I don't know. It was just so strange to see him that night. It was a huge shocker. As I mentioned before, he looked strange. He didn't look happy at all, in fact, he looked depressed. When he would dance with me, he was energetic, had a big smile on his face, etc., etc. My friend commented that the girl that he was with looked like she was more in to him than he was in to her. It relieves me a bit, however, the fact that he is still with her is devistating. I don't know what he is thinking. It is so bizarre.

 

In the meantime, I'm going to move on. I'm NOT going to contact him. This is it. By the way, I never contacted him about thanking him for the theater tickets. I'm glad that I didn't go that route.

 

2006 is going to be the year for healing, moving on and improving myself. I'm going to try my hardest to get him out of my thoughts. However, I know it is going to be a rough road ahead and that's what scares me. I know I have the strength to do it, however, I know I will have my weak moments. But, truly letting go is the hardest part. I love him so much. He was my one and only. The memories are the hardest part to forget. I hope in time they will eventually fade away. I hope I will find a love like that again.

[Nikita20]

Well...I finally got a job. I'm starting next Tuesday. It's a great company to work for. Unfortunately, I will be a contractor for 3 months and if they like me, I'll be hired as a permanent employee. However, being a contract employee, will give me even more drive and determination to succeed. I'm excited and scared. But, overall I'm relieved. Working for my sister has been stressful, but mostly depressing. It was a constant reminder of me not living up to my full potential. Also, I forgot to mention, 2 weeks ago, I got my drivers license back. The next thing on my list is my taxes. Then, everything that I've been procrastinating about will be taken care of. It is amazing what you can accomplish when you set your mind to things.

 

The only thing that I wish I could have is my ex. However, I know that there is nothing I can do about it. He's gone. He's with someone else. I still do think about him, especially after seeing him on New Years Eve. That was so bizarre and depressing. Hopefully, this new job will be a distraction and help me keep my mind off of things. However, I still miss him and love him deeply. So far it has been a month of NC, that is, if you don't count the New Years Eve encounter. I guess since I didn't talk to him on New Years Eve that could count as NC, right? Anyway, I'm determined to continue with NC so that I can focus on healing and moving forward with my life.

[jd2004dc]

Nikita -- it took me four months (2 of having contact, 2 of NC) to get the point where I realized there really are plenty of other interesting people out there besides my ex. Don't get me wrong: I still am hung on on him. But there is something about NC that let's you clear you head and then begin to see, again, that the cliche about there being plenty of fish in the sea (many of them interesting, good fish) is true.

 

JDUB -- you always have such good advice. I wish you'd read my thread (Gay Breakup). I sort of already know what you'll say...

[Nikita20]

I started my new job this week. I've just finished up with day 3. I'm excited because it is an excellent company to work for. It is a large company, which is a plus, because it will give me the opportunity to meet people. Most importantly, the people in my group are really nice. My job will be extremely demanding though, being that it is an inside sales job, however, I'm looking forward to facing the challenges that it will bring. That will keep my busy. I am a contractor. However, I have the opportunity to become permanent within three months, that is, if I work hard and prove myself. I know I will be able to do that.

 

The weird thing is, at work, I have these waves of sadness because I can't share my successes with my ex, being that I'm in NC mode. I've come so far, in a matter of 5 months. I've paid my taxes, fixed my license and landed a fantastic job. If only my ex could see me now. I wish I could tell him all of my accomplishments. Had we been together, he would of been extremely proud.

 

I know that NC gives you the opportunity to improve yourself, reflect on your mistakes, assess the relationship, move on, etc. I've made vast improvements within myself. However, I still want him back. I know deep in my heart we were meant to be together. We had a great relationship. He is a kind, loving person. Our problems can be resolved. I really don't want anyone else. I've met several guys, when going out with my friends, however, none of them even peaked my interest. I guess I'm just having a hard time moving on and it hurts. I'm not as bad as it was before, I'm feeling better as each day goes on, but I can't stop thinking about him. Damn, I miss him so much. If I found a genie bottle, one of my wishes would be to have him back in my life. Oh well. I guess we weren't meant to be. I just wish that he would call and I just have this feeling that I'll never hear from him again and that's the part that really kills me.

[UT_longhorn]

nikita...

 

i read your thread for the first time and i have to give it up to you and tell you that you are one hell of a woman. your posts are upbeat and positive even though i know your heart must have at points been ripped into pieces.

 

i think women are amazing. they have this inner strength that i dont believe men posses. its this pain threshold that lets them go through periods monthly with relatively little hooplah, and have babies.

 

Just be reading your thread, you've given me inspiration. stay strong nikita. i really think that NC is the best thing even though ive been tempted to the last millimeter of dialing my ex's number.

 

im going to say a prayer tonight for all the broken hearted and you especially. i think you should look at your accomplishments in the recent past and be very very proud of yourself.