Boyfriend of 4 months broke with me because of too many fights. What should I do?

[Glx]

I am 25, he is 23. We know each other for 6 months. He always treated me very nice, but I could never believe is his feelings, they were not enough for me. And I always started fights or just discussions about our "problems". For example, when I was ready to become "official", he didn't talk about it. I thought that he just doesn't have feelings and once I said "ok, then lets stay friends". He then told me how serious he was, and that he can even introduce me to his mother directly that day.

We started being together. I was jealous, had fears about future, needed reassurance, and he was always very patient with me, said how much he cares for me, that I am the most important thing in my life and his top priority. and that he will do everything for me. At one point I started being very sad, because he never said "I love you". he told me that he is just waiting for the right moment that we will never forget, for the moment when we will stop fighting. When we discussed these problems, he said that "I am just a slow guy, I need time to say some certain things, but I became much "faster" for you". I was always very sad when he said it, it meant to me that "you are just not the one with whom I feel it right away"

One month ago he finally said "I love you". I was very happy for a couple of days, then my obsessive thoughts have started again. I was so much in love, and he is such a great guy,  I started dreaming about a future family (when we will be around 30)... and I have been telling him about my thoughts. he always reassured me "of course I want a family later with you, I am very serious about you, you are my first official girlfriend and I always wanted to have only 1 woman in my life"

Last week everything escalated. He was in his exams phase, didn't have time for me, I was constantly unhappy it. I tried to start a fight every 2-3 days (God, I am so stupid😔!!) When I nagged at something again five days ago, he couldn't take it anymore: "I wish I had your problems! You have a great life, a family and a boyfriend who love you, a great job and studies. Meanwhile, my grandfather is dying, my mother can get into financial debt, and so I have to pass my exams perfectly to get a scholarship. Meanwhile, my girlfriend in the meantime is just giving me the heat when she makes up some more trouble. I didn't think you were that selfish!"

I got really scared, I didn't know about his grandfather at all, and I did all the wrong things - I started calling him, texting him a bunch. At the end he just wrote "I'm in a very difficult situation right now, you don't understand or respect me, so I won't answer you anymore today". 
I made another terrible mistake - I went straight to his place at 10pm to "talk". He told me to go home and didn't want to talk to me. I persuaded him to come out, showed him all my pain, cried. He replied that he had been a very good boyfriend to me all this time, had done everything for me, but now he had "had enough" and wanted to be alone and didn't know what he wanted at all. He's been very cold. Said he told his mum about our situation and she said "you deserve someone who supports you, not someone who quarrels with you". I was so emotional at the time that I went to his place to get my things. He didn't want me to go to him, he was angry. It was all a blur, I couldn't control myself at the time. I even destroyed some of the cute presents I gave to him earlier, because I was in so much pain. We both cried. He said that he would never find a better girl than me, that this was his best summer. But he didn't stop me. Told me how much trouble he was in at the moment, that I didn't understand him. 
I started to tell him about my problems: "You didn't know, but my parents are also divorced, I am going through a hard time, and we are also having financial difficulties, my parents had to take out loans and sell the car for my education" He then became very soft, started hugging me, asking why I had not told him this before. He told me how much we had in common, that we were so much alike and how much he loved me. 

I was very scared to lose him, tried to be as supportive as I can. He was very warm in texts the next days, although his grandfather died. Said that he loved me so much, that I am such a great girl, the strongest woman he knows. I didn't talk about us anymore, just said how sorry I am for his granddad, that his family is more important at the moment.

We met yesterday, he held out one rose to me. He stood there crying. I thought he was worried about his grandfather, and I immediately hugged him and comforted him. He spoke in tears:
He: - No, you shouldn't, you don't understand...
Me: - What do you mean? Did something else bad happen? 
He: - We have to end our relationship.
I was in a stupor, no tears. I just asked him "why?" He said something indecipherable. I tried to be as calm as possible. I added, "if that's your decision, then fine. I'll go home then."
He said that he felt like a horrible person, but that we couldn't go on like this. That we fight too often. That it would have been wrong to tear up the relationship then, in our last quarrel, but nothing could be improved anymore.
I apologized again, briefly, saying that I didn't know what had gotten into me, that this had never happened to me before. And that I should have been less selfish and shown more understanding. He said that there was no need to apologize. And I went away.

Later that evening I got a text from him:
"I know I shouldn't write to you anymore, I don't have the right to anymore. But I can't do it any other way. I don't want to hurt you the same way all the time. I have never been able to show you my feelings in the right way, the way it was needed to be. I am so eternally grateful for our time together. But I know you will never be truly happy with me. I know it was the stupidest decision of my life because I will never meet someone as beautiful and loving as you. But I think it's better in the long run, because I can't hurt you like that all the time - I'd rather it happen one last time today than if it happens again."

[Glx]

I don't know if I reacted right. I didn't reply anything. I don't know if I should have fought for him, if I should have said anything more, something like "I promise we will fight less" 

[hippychick3]

He made the right decision, and nothing you can say will change that. The only thing you should be doing right now is working on your insecurities and self-worth so you can have healthier relationships in the future. Please don’t contact him. Any further contact will make you appear more desperate and needy. He’s done. Learn from this and move forward by working on yourself. 

[Glx]

8 minutes ago, hippychick3 said:

He made the right decision, and nothing you can say will change that. The only thing you should be doing right now is working on your insecurities and self-worth so you can have healthier relationships in the future. Please don’t contact him. Any further contact will make you appear more desperate and needy. He’s done. Learn from this and move forward by working on yourself. 

so there is really no chance to make things better? I am hoping that maybe the distance will make him miss me...

[d0nnivain]

The distance won't make him miss you.  Your absence will give him the peace that your relationship was lacking.   You were a source of stress & unhappiness for him because you have underlying issues that you were taking out on him. 

You need to do some work on yourself to figure out why you are so miserable & insecure.  You need to learn patience & how to trust.   You have to stop starting fights over every little thing.  Until you address these flaws in yourself every relationship you try to have will end like this.  You have a LOT of work to do with a professional therapist before you can be a good partner to him or anyone else. 

[Glx]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

The distance won't make him miss you.  Your absence will give him the peace that your relationship was lacking.   You were a source of stress & unhappiness for him because you have underlying issues that you were taking out on him. 

You need to do some work on yourself to figure out why you are so miserable & insecure.  You need to learn patience & how to trust.   You have to stop starting fights over every little thing.  Until you address these flaws in yourself every relationship you try to have will end like this.  You have a LOT of work to do with a professional therapist before you can be a good partner to him or anyone else. 

I understand that, and I am already looking for a therapist... 

but I can't get rid of the thought that I lost a person who truly loved me, and I screwed everything up. he was always so perfect towards me, and if not my stupid behaviour, it all would have  been different... 

I wish there was a second chance, and I don't know what do to 😔  we won't see each other or communicate with each other anymore

[Glx]

maybe I should have asked for it? or talk to him about that? but I just accepted his decision and went away...

[ajequals]

This relationship was just more drama than he needed in his life at this moment  ,Men are very simple. we do not wish to fight about anything. 

[Glx]

9 minutes ago, ajequals said:

This relationship was just more drama than he needed in his life at this moment  ,Men are very simple. we do not wish to fight about anything. 

I guess, no amount of "sorry" will change the situation...😔

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Glx said:

You have a great life, a family and a boyfriend who love you, a great job and studies.er it happen one last time today than if it happens again."

Sorry to hear this. Is he from a different culture/country than you? 

You need to find support through your friends, family and get more involved in your work/studies.

Dating only 24 weeks is not the time to discuss future/family, etc. It's the time to see if you can get along.

Edited December 12, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Glx]

He wrote me today: 

"it's driving me crazy not hearing from you. i keep wanting to call you, but i should probably just leave you alone, because you don't owe me anything, and if you don't want to answer me, that's really your right. we didn't talk about anything yesterday, though, and i'm so worried about how you're doing...i know you're much stronger than me, but still, are you going to be okay?"

😔

 

[Acacia98]

12 minutes ago, Glx said:

He wrote me today: 

"it's driving me crazy not hearing from you. i keep wanting to call you, but i should probably just leave you alone, because you don't owe me anything, and if you don't want to answer me, that's really your right. we didn't talk about anything yesterday, though, and i'm so worried about how you're doing...i know you're much stronger than me, but still, are you going to be okay?"

😔

 

I think you should respond to him. But keep the drama out of the response. Take the time to write à thoughtful response.

[Glx]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

I think you should respond to him. But keep the drama out of the response. Take the time to write à thoughtful response.

I just responded "I am ok"

[Watercolors]

You are very young. You will get over this r/s breakup. 

It’s best to just let go and focus on improving yourself with the help of a therapist. 

From your OP, you and he did not communicate well with each other and that’s why you two are incompatible. 

6 hours ago, Glx said:

I understand that, and I am already looking for a therapist... 

but I can't get rid of the thought that I lost a person who truly loved me, and I screwed everything up. he was always so perfect towards me, and if not my stupid behaviour, it all would have  been different... 

I wish there was a second chance, and I don't know what do to 😔  we won't see each other or communicate with each other anymore

Do you though? Understand? Because your response says that you don’t want to accept that the r/s is over and that you plan to continue to text and message your ex b/f until he takes you back. Is that your plan? 

[ShyViolet]

It seems that he became fed up with the drama, all your insecurities, your nagging and your erratic behavior.  You need to work on these issues if you would like to ever have healthy relationships in the future.  Because it sounds positively exhausting to be in a relationship with you.

[Cookiesandough]

Lots of red flags that went ignored. Sadly, this happens all too often. People ignore the signs and invest lots of their emotions until the rug gets completely pulled from beneath them.

 

This was not a healthy relationship. He just reached the end of his patience. There is no going back to the start. Learn from it and control your emotions better, but you aren’t the only one to blame. It takes two to fight. You were incompatible 
 

You will heal from this break up and become stronger for it.

Edited December 13, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Glx]

on my "I am ok" he replied:

"thank you for telling me that! i actually have so many things i still want to say to you, and at the same time i don't know what - and words are meaningless anyway...i just don't want to make you sad anymore, that's the only thing that matters. i was reading "the little prince" at my mom's today, and it really is a wonderful, sad book, and i understand why you like it so much.
if you ever want to talk to me about anything, or if you need anything, or even if you just want to tell me i'm a monster, i'm here!"

 

Edited December 13, 2020 by Glx

[Watercolors]

OP, it seems like you’re not listening to anyone’s advice here. All you’re doing is posting your text message communication. How can any of us help you, if you’re not even willing to engage in a conversation about this with posters? Seems like a waste of everyone’s time, including yours. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Unless and until you get your emotional health in check, OP, future relationships will go the same way this one did. 

You two didn't have a functional, solid relationship and the way you related to each other was immature. The break-up is an extension of that. This guy isn't going to be the one you settle down with, but you can learn a lot from this experience -  if you want to. 

Posting what he texts you isn't the way forward for you. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Glx said:

 he replied:

.i just don't want to make you sad anymore, that's the only thing that matters. 

Ok, and? Do you see this as hopeful?

[Glx]

8 hours ago, Watercolors said:

You are very young. You will get over this r/s breakup. 

It’s best to just let go and focus on improving yourself with the help of a therapist. 

From your OP, you and he did not communicate well with each other and that’s why you two are incompatible. 

Do you though? Understand? Because your response says that you don’t want to accept that the r/s is over and that you plan to continue to text and message your ex b/f until he takes you back. Is that your plan? 

I don't plan to continue or text him. Yes it is hard to accept that this is over... especially because he wrote me again. 

[Glx]

27 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Unless and until you get your emotional health in check, OP, future relationships will go the same way this one did. 

You two didn't have a functional, solid relationship and the way you related to each other was immature. The break-up is an extension of that. This guy isn't going to be the one you settle down with, but you can learn a lot from this experience -  if you want to. 

Posting what he texts you isn't the way forward for you. 

 

 

Yes, I guess I did learn a lot from it. Just thinking how can I work at myself at the moment (other than just go to the therapist) 

[Glx]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, and? Do you see this as hopeful?

No, these messages were not hopeful at all. He just wanted to check up on me

[ExpatInItaly]

47 minutes ago, Glx said:

Yes, I guess I did learn a lot from it. Just thinking how can I work at myself at the moment (other than just go to the therapist) 

Ask yourself where these deep insecurities come from. You need to understand the root of your emotional fragility and over-the-top reactions to fear and uncertainty.

Had you dated much prior to this? 

[Wiseman2]

It seems like he's in a different place in life than you. He appears to be mature, but he's much too young for you.

Also this is a huge amount of drama for 26 weeks of dating.

Regroup, don't hold him or anyone else hostage to your emotions.

Get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men 25-30

Don't overwhelmed anyone with future husband talk just weeks into dating.

Pick people in your life stage, not struggling  young students.

Also don't try to make BFs into therapists or babysitters.