Can a relationship survive a prison sentence?

[Shaun29]

So am just looking for advice here.

I am 29 and my partner is 27. We first met when we were teenagers and worked in the same pub. Am i England. We dated for a while but split up after she met somebody else. Anyway 6 years ago we met up again and we have been in a relationship since. She has a 9 year old from her previous relationship - I get on really well with him and its like he is my own kid. He seemed to really like the fact that I was a soldier and jad plenty of stories to tell him.

We've had our ups and downs but overall things are pretty good. We've been living together for 4 years and had planned on getting married this Summer but Covid came and we decided to put the wedding off until next year. We both agreed that that was a good idea.

So things went bad for me in the Summer when I got into trouble with the police. I will be gettting sentenced next month and am expecting about a  2 year sentence. Here you normally only serve half and the rest on license with good behaviour so will probably be in prison for about a year. I know this is a big thing but I thought we could get through it. Like I said we had planned on getting married, we are really our own family. From being in the Army she is used to me being away for a while. I've had 2 overseas tours since we've been living together. I hoped she would look at prison as being like that.

She was angrey with me after this happened but after talking to her about it she was better but now tht it is happening she has become distant and I don't really know where I stand/ I had suggested getting married (just a small ceremony) before I got sentenced but she didn't want to do that. 

We have a bit saved for the  wedding and I know my family will help out a bit if things are tight. I think the biggest problem is that her family are against me and are  trying to turn her against me.

I think we have something special annd I love her but just don't know where I stand now. I can't really talk to anybody in the  eal world about this o am looking to see what people think of the situation and what I should do?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 12, 2020 by Shaun29

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, Shaun29 said:

She was angrey with me after this happened but after talking to her about it she was better but now tht it is happening she has become distant and I don't really know where I stand/ I had suggested getting married (just a small ceremony) before I got sentenced but she didn't want to do that.

 We have a bit saved for the  wedding and I know my family will help out a bit if things are tight.

I think the biggest problem is that her family are against me and are  trying to turn her against me.

Sorry this is happening.  Stop talking about the wedding. At this time it could be construed as  manipulative. Instead use the savings in lieu of you being unable to pay your share of the living situation.

 How close is she to the child's father? Will your parents pay your share of housing expenses until she can find a roommate or make other arrangements? Talk instead about what your absence means in terms of hardships. Also focus on whatever programs are offered and how you envision your future.

[Shaun29]

 

I Yeah that was what I meant about having a bit saved for the wedding that it can be used when I am not there just for living expenses. My gf works part time and her parents hekp out with looking after her son.

She isn't that close to her ex but they get on well about their son. We have never really got on for obvious reasons. He is a police officer as well so am sure he's enjoying this happening. Makes him feel superior.

I have tried to talk to her about things a few times but she usually says she can't handle this at the time. I only pleaded guilty in court last week and got my sentencing date so it seems pretty real now. She just wants to focus on having a good Christmas. Have kept it from the little lad so far but I know I will haveto explain to him too. No idea what I am going to say.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Shaun29 said:

She just wants to focus on having a good Christmas. Have kept it from the little lad so far but I know I will haveto explain to him too. No idea what I am going to say.

She's right her child's Christmas should not be marred with these adult topics. It's her job to talk to her son. She will have to explain your absence in her own way in her own time when he is ready..

[usa1ah]

No parent wants their kids with someone going to jail. It really depends on why you are going to jail. 
 

On the other hand if I had an ex and she was dating someone that was going to jail. I would file a restraining order against the individual to keep them away from my kids. 
 

I know I have no clue why you are going to jail and frankly doesn’t matter to me. Just the fact that your having to serve time is enough. Just being honest with you. 
 

Hope you serve your time well and get out early. 

[d0nnivain]

Serving in the military is honorable.  It's easier to wait for somebody doing that for a good cause. 

Going to jail is different.  It's certainly not honorable.  Whether I would wait would depend on number of factors including the possibility that it would happen again & economic prospects.  It's not going to be easy to get a job with a conviction on your record.   It's not about the time it's about the ethics.  

All you can do is tell her how much you love her & that you are reformed, but you better be reformed & be staying away from whatever or whoever led you to the crime.  

[Fletch Lives]

The problem is, when you are away from your partner for so long, sometimes the love dies. I guess you'll find out when you get out.

[Ellener]

@Shaun29 you've made some questionable choices I guess to be in the situation, and other people have to live with the consequences. You're at a crossroads now and all you can decide at this point is your own behaviour. Make it a pleasant Christmas, for the child, and reassure your partner 'we'll get through this' and take resonsibility for your own actions is all you can do at this point. Many people are judgmental about prison, it's a step too far, that's maybe why her family don't want their daughter&c involved. You don't say the type of crime, that will be a huge factor too. Your partner may already be involved, for example if she benefited from it knowingly, and maybe she is at her own life crossroads.

What you do next is up to you- with or without her.

Many people at this point decide to get their act together. Get through your sentence best as possible and do that. 

 

 

 

[mark clemson]

I think a relationship CAN survive a prison sentence, and certainly many have. Whether YOUR relationship will survive is a different question, and to some extent may be matter of luck (or at least of factors and parameters that are VERY hard to discern and interpret as to outcomes). Some factors outside of your control (such as the availability, or lack thereof, of a potential new partner) might impact things as well.

I'd love to give you tips or an easy answer, but I really don't have one.  Make your sincere intentions clear, take advantage of conjugal visits if that's possible, and hope for the best would be my thoughts.

[mortensorchid]

There is a saying out there : Want to know who your real friends are?  Get a jail sentence. 

I have known people who went to jail.  Some were my friends, others were not.  And ... Others were guys I was with for a bit.  I knew women who went to jail as well, women who go to jail are abandoned.  I had a close friend who went to jail, we resumed contact last year after 7/8 years of silence (his a****** gf was between us and now she's gone).  It won't be the same.  Another I found out went to jail for 3 years for selling drugs and I kicked him out when I found a business card from a DEA officer in his bag.  Another got a few DUIs while going through his divorce, I stood by him because I knew he was in pain.  Another was a bad boy, I was his Kate Moss and he dumped me because I wasn't taking care of him.

What can I say except that life is complicated.  

[Shaun29]

On 12/14/2020 at 1:18 PM, usa1ah said:

No parent wants their kids with someone going to jail. It really depends on why you are going to jail. 
 

On the other hand if I had an ex and she was dating someone that was going to jail. I would file a restraining order against the individual to keep them away from my kids. 
 

I know I have no clue why you are going to jail and frankly doesn’t matter to me. Just the fact that your having to serve time is enough. Just being honest with you. 
 

Hope you serve your time well and get out early. 

 Yeah I know a lot of people will think like that and he probably does but hasn't done anything about it - probably because he knows I won't be around for much longer now but no idea what he will do then. The thing is that I am much closer to his son than he is and he left them both so that's not a great record either.

I'm going to prison for GBH (Serious Assault). I know that sounds bad but I am not normally violent it was just something that got out of hand. Obviously I've never laid a hand on my gf or her son. It was just something that happened that I wish never did but it did and UI have pleaded guilty and will do my punishment and move on. I never planned on any of this happening.

[Shaun29]

On 12/14/2020 at 2:56 PM, d0nnivain said:

Serving in the military is honorable.  It's easier to wait for somebody doing that for a good cause. 

Going to jail is different.  It's certainly not honorable.  Whether I would wait would depend on number of factors including the possibility that it would happen again & economic prospects.  It's not going to be easy to get a job with a conviction on your record.   It's not about the time it's about the ethics.  

All you can do is tell her how much you love her & that you are reformed, but you better be reformed & be staying away from whatever or whoever led you to the crime.  

I know it's not the same at all but am just saying that she is used to me being away and so it shouldn't be so hard as for someone who has never had to deal with that. I know my family were proud of me when I joined the Army and passed out as I was and all this is very different. It is hard for everybody. 

Since leaving in the Army I have worked in security and I have lost my registration for that because of the charge so I know I will have to do something else. I will try ad do some training if I can in prison in something that will help me get a job when I get out. I've worked on a site before so could do that if I need to. I've always worked hard and been able to provide for them. 

 

[Shaun29]

On 12/14/2020 at 6:26 PM, Ellener said:

@Shaun29 you've made some questionable choices I guess to be in the situation, and other people have to live with the consequences. You're at a crossroads now and all you can decide at this point is your own behaviour. Make it a pleasant Christmas, for the child, and reassure your partner 'we'll get through this' and take resonsibility for your own actions is all you can do at this point. Many people are judgmental about prison, it's a step too far, that's maybe why her family don't want their daughter&c involved. You don't say the type of crime, that will be a huge factor too. Your partner may already be involved, for example if she benefited from it knowingly, and maybe she is at her own life crossroads.

What you do next is up to you- with or without her.

Many people at this point decide to get their act together. Get through your sentence best as possible and do that. 

 

 

 

Agree with all that. It is down to me. She had nothing to do with anything that happened . The first she heard of it was when I phoned to let her know I had been arrested ad that they were taking me to court to charge me. Was a horrible phone call to make and to hear her crying. She did come to court and saw me there.

I want to make sure it is as good a Christmas it can be for everyboy's sake. I have been away for Christmas before and found that hard. It will only be the 3 of us on the day. I just was thinking that it might be the last Christmas we are together as a family if things don't work out between us.

We aew happy as anything this time last year though and planning getting married so hard to figure out how things could have changed so much. This is definitely a one off for me and I know I will never be in the same situation again

[Shaun29]

On 12/15/2020 at 3:02 AM, mark clemson said:

I think a relationship CAN survive a prison sentence, and certainly many have. Whether YOUR relationship will survive is a different question, and to some extent may be matter of luck (or at least of factors and parameters that are VERY hard to discern and interpret as to outcomes). Some factors outside of your control (such as the availability, or lack thereof, of a potential new partner) might impact things as well.

I'd love to give you tips or an easy answer, but I really don't have one.  Make your sincere intentions clear, take advantage of conjugal visits if that's possible, and hope for the best would be my thoughts.

I hope so.

Conjugal visits - are they really a thing in America?

I know they aren't allowed over here. In fact there are no visits ar all right now because of Covid whch makes things harder again for us. I really hope she will visit me when visits are allowed again. I know I would be able to speak to them on the phone but proper visits would definitely be something to look forward to and help me get through.

[Ellener]

3 hours ago, Shaun29 said:

I want to make sure it is as good a Christmas it can be for everyboy's sake.

Walks, movies, time spent together...I wish you a lovely time.

3 hours ago, Shaun29 said:

This is definitely a one off for me and I know I will never be in the same situation again

Good attitude, again wishing you all the best.

You can and will come back from this.

[Ellener]

3 hours ago, Shaun29 said:

Conjugal visits - are they really a thing in America?

Not really unless you live in one of six states: California, Connecticut, Mississippi, New Mexico, New York, and Washington.

[gaius]

4 hours ago, Shaun29 said:

We aew happy as anything this time last year though and planning getting married so hard to figure out how things could have changed so much. This is definitely a one off for me and I know I will never be in the same situation again

I don't know what you did but I get the urge to beat people to death every day and don't, partially because I have a wife and step kids at home who I love and who depend on me. Getting myself imprisoned would be a betrayal to them. And a failure of my role as the man of the house.

Can a relationship survive prison? Maybe. But you have to view it from that perspective, that you've given her good cause for it to not survive. And that from her perspective if you've done it once, why wouldn't you do it again? You'll have to make maximum effort to rebuild that trust. And understand that she's not out of line for being skeptical or pulling back. Serving in the military and going to prison aren't even in the same ballpark.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Shaun29 said:

I'm going to prison for GBH (Serious Assault).

Focus on your attorney's advice all the way through the process.

This may destroy you financially in that not only will the prison term in itself render you unable to work, you may have difficulties in the parole program finding well paying jobs.

Not sure how it works in the UK, but you can also be tried civilly by the victim for the damages you caused.

Good luck to you, and hopefully your attorney is a good one.

[Emilie Jolie]

4 hours ago, gaius said:

But you have to view it from that perspective, that you've given her good cause for it to not survive. And that from her perspective if you've done it once, why wouldn't you do it again?

This. It's not about being 'judgemental' about a prison sentence. You can accept that from a friend or show understanding for the circumstances, but you don't need to accept this from a partner. For some, any sign of physical (or any other, really) violence is a complete dealbreaker, not just a 'red flag'.

OP, good for you for taking full responsibility for your actions and accepting your prison sentence without shifting blame. That's a sign of maturity 🙂. Good luck for what's coming, and make the next few weeks count.

[trident_2020]

A quality woman isn’t going to stay with a guy who is headed to prison for 2 years. So if she sticks around and waits for you she’s not worth it. 

[Ellener]

9 hours ago, gaius said:

Serving in the military and going to prison aren't even in the same ballpark.

You'd be surprised. I don't want to distract the thread but there's a huge correlation between military service/crime/homelessness and mental health issues.

[Ellener]

@Shaun29 focus on the positive. You can and will turn your life back around. 

I helped many people get back to work after prison in the UK. It's an obstacle not a permanent difficulty.

 

[understand50]

16 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

A quality woman isn’t going to stay with a guy who is headed to prison for 2 years. So if she sticks around and waits for you she’s not worth it. 

This is a blanket statement.  We do not know the whole story, why he is going to prison. Hell, in the U.S. , and I assume the UK as well, you could be 100% in the right and wind up with a sentence.  So, I think it will depend on two things.  One,  circumstances on why you are going to prison and Two,  how good of a relationship, LOVE, you have. Love can conquer all, if needed.  So, this depends on your GF wanting you in her life.  ODDS are not good, but sometimes work out.  You need to have a long talk with her, and work out some way of communicating.  Write each day?  Phone when you can?   I hear that the prisons in the UK are tough, but you need to work on yourself, and also show you are committed to her.  As for the above comment, I call bovine excrement, if she is committed to you, and keeps you in her heart, then she is a keeper.  The lyric from a US country song, "Love can walk though fire with out blinking" is true, but there must be love to start.  

I wish you luck.

 

[introverted1]

GBH is a big deal.  If I were your gf, this would impact my ability to feel safe around you. 

[notbroken]

There is no clear answer here.  All you can do is tell her you love her and want to be with her when you get out and hope she feels the same.  Contact her as regularly as possible while in jail and see what happens when you get out.   I hope you find a way to success/happiness.  This doesn't have to ruin your life.