Struggling with trust

[Braxton91]

I’ve (29m) been dating my gf (25f) for a few years. There has been some questionable incidents in our past that has made it hard for me to trust her, but we’ve always talked it through and she said she would never cheat. 

The last few weeks, I’ve been noticing suspicious behavior involving her cell phone (some guy I never heard of before texted her late at night while I was in bed with her. She said, Oh it’s “so and so” and she just brushed it off and said she needs to block him. (These are some of the issues in the past I was talking about. Random men texting late at night out of the blue. She said they were past one night stands or just guys that want her, and assures me it’s nothing). I didn’t want to cause an argument by being jealous and asking who exactly this guy was, so I didn’t press it.

I also caught her in a small lie after she sent me a nude. She called me after she took it (she never mentioned she was taking nudes right before our phone call - just a general call, and she told me about her work day).

Hours later, she sent me the nude and told me she took it specifically for me after we had ended the phone call. But I noticed the timestamp was right before she called and when I asked her when she took it, she said she took it right after we hung up. I told her she was mistaken, that it was before and I asked her if she was sure it was taken for me (wondering why she didn’t tell me she was taking sexy pics for me right before our call, I would have loved to hear that. She was clearly feeling horny but I would have had no idea during our phone call. I would say we have a great sex life and we are flirty with each other all the time, so it surprised me she made no mention of it on the phone). 

She said she must have forgotten it was taken before (the small lie - she knew when she took it) but then admitted that she felt better telling me it was after because she wanted it to be more meaningful instead of just sending it randomly. Okay, maybe that’s the case, but I can’t shake this fear that she is messaging other men and sending them these pictures.

I talked to her about my fears, but she tried to explain herself and told me that I need to trust her. I want to believe her, I want to trust her, but I have this terrible gut feeling that won’t go away. 

Days later, I received a few more nudes. She took a screenshot of them, so I couldn’t see the timestamp. Fair enough. But one of them she did not. And it was taken the same day as that phone call incident, but taken at 1am, just a few hours after I had expressed my concerns to her. She texted me that same night at 1:30am, made no mentioned of feeling sexy or taking pictures again right before texting me. It was just a goodnight text. And then to send it to me a few days later? Once again, I thought, why didn’t she tell me that night she was taking pics or why not just send it to me then? I just sucked it up, told myself I’m being paranoid, and told her how sexy she is.

Now I’m noticing that she turned on her read receipts (iPhone). She’s never had them on before. I thought maybe she turned them on by accident. But she keeps turning them on and off and on and off.

She hasn’t mention the read receipts to me and I didn’t question her about it, but it immediately filled me with dread. I don’t understand why it’s bothering me so much. Is this even cause for an alarm? Or am I just bat s*** insane? But why, out of the blue, would she start turning her read receipts on and off? Is there even a reason to do this? And what’s the point of these read receipts anyway? I understand how it works, I can see when she’s read my message (I don’t have mine turned on), but is there a reason why she’s doing this? We’ve never once talked about read receipts and like I said, out of all the years I’ve known her, she’s never once turned them on. 

I want to ask her, but I don’t want my insecurities to cause an argument or ruin our relationship. It sounds petty to question read receipts. And I know I need to work on my trust issues, but these little things just keep adding up in my mind. And I feel like I’m going insane with these cheating assumptions swirling around in my head. Is she turning them on and off for someone else? Does she want them to see that she has read their message? And then turns them off for what reason, only to turn them back on again? I just don’t get it.

Am I just in need of some serious therapy? Or does this seem fishy? Honestly, I need some perspective, and I would appreciate your theories or thoughts before I approach her about these receipts and sound like a crazy man. Thank you!

[FMW]

You don't sound like a crazy man.  I'm not sure if there is anything going on that shouldn't be, but your gut feelings should never be ignored.  

You've already asked her about the texts and the photos.  I wouldn't ask her about the read receipts.  Just keep your eyes and ears open and see if anything else happens that doesn't seem right to you.  

[Wiseman2]

Do you think she sending nudes to a bunch of guys or working as an escort/cam worker on the side? Seems strange for someone to you've  been dating a while.

Why is she sending you nudes? Have you met in person? Are you long distance? You mention more about cyber communication than seeing each other in person.

[Braxton91]

We’ve been dating for about 2 years. We don’t live together, but live in the same town. We see each other a few times a week. I have my own place, she has hers. But we keep in touch everyday via phone.

We send each other pictures here and there to spice things up. But I do fear that she may be sending pics to other men. 

[Emilie Jolie]

This doesn't sound like a healthy, functional relationship, to be honest. When trust is broken, getting it back is an uphill battle and even then, you need full transparency and the cooperation of both partners. 

It's not great to be in a relationship in which you are perpetually distrusted, and it's not nice to be in a relationship that triggers your trust issues. You shouldn't be on red alert 24/7. A relationship is about bringing the best out of each other - if this isn't the 2 of you, you need to either find a better way to communicate with each other, or to reconsider the relationship altogether.

 

Edited December 12, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[oldtruck]

never heard of read receipts

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Braxton91 said:

 

We send each other pictures here and there to spice things up. But I do fear that she may be sending pics to other men. 

Spice it up in person. Stop sexting 

You're talking about timestamps all sorts of cybertracking who sent/read what and when,etc.

Your relationship needs to move to real life, in person.

Hopefully she's aware that any images she sends out can end up on pornhub in a nanosecond.

Is she clueless, immature or insecure? Why is she doing this in the first place?

[Wiseman2]

From NYT:

"Pornhub is like YouTube in that it allows members of the public to post their own videos. A great majority of the 6.8 million new videos posted on the site each year probably involve consenting adults, but many depict child abuse and nonconsensual violence. Because it’s impossible to be sure whether a youth in a video is 14 or 18, neither Pornhub nor anyone else has a clear idea of how much content is illegal.

 

Unlike YouTube, Pornhub allows these videos to be downloaded directly from its website. So even if a rape video is removed at the request of the authorities, it may already be too late: The video lives on as it is shared with others or uploaded again and again."

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, Braxton91 said:

I’ve (29m) been dating my gf (25f) for a few years. There has been some questionable incidents in our past that has made it hard for me to trust her, but we’ve always talked it through and she said she would never cheat.

What are these questionable incidents? 

Edited December 13, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Braxton91]

Last year, she went out to a bar with friends. I wasn’t invited, it was a “girls night”. At the bar, she ran into an old friend from high school. I didn’t find out about this for a few weeks, but she took him to her place that night after the bar. She said they didn’t sleep together, but she did admit they passed out on the couch together. 

A month or two later, I was hanging out with her and one of her friends at my gf’s place. We were drinking, playing cards, and having a great time. But the mood soon turned. My gf started joking around and poked fun at her friend (I don’t remember exactly what was said). I think this hurt her friend’s feelings, because her friend became upset and started to berate my gf and accuse her of cheating on me. She then became quiet, left for the bathroom and threw up (We were all very drunk at this point). I was too much in shock to say anything. My girlfriend didn’t say anything either. She got up to check on her friend and helped her to bed. The next morning, I asked my gf why her friend accused her of cheating, but she said she had no idea why her friend would say something like that. My gf swore up and down that she has never cheated and said her friend just drank too much and wasn’t making sense. Later that day, her friend messaged me to apologize. She said she was just drunk and that my gf wasn’t cheating. It was strange, confusing, and never sat right with me. I would never say something like that to a friend or their significant other if it wasn’t true. But I tried to give them both the benefit of the doubt.

The other incidents involved my gf receiving explicit texts from random men late at night. This has happened multiple times, all with different men I’ve never heard her mention before. 

[redbaron007]

Reading your posts, I see RED flags all around, mate. You are NOT paranoid. Way too many red flags to ignore - late nite texts from random dudes, taking home the HS friend, the friend who drunkenly spilt the beans..your gut is trying to tell you something here. Ask any betrayed spouse here, myself included, and they will tell you how strongly they felt in their gut their partner was cheating. Sorry mate!

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Braxton91 said:

The other incidents involved my gf receiving explicit texts from random men late at night. This has happened multiple times, all with different men I’ve never heard her mention before. 

Agree. There's really enough red flags 🚩. To just cut your losses.

The time stamps on nude pics are the least of your problems.

She gets drunk and stupid too much, she has shady behaviors and seems to lack integrity.

A hot mess like this may be fun, and the drama may keep you entertained, but this is not GF material.

[smackie9]

my gf receiving explicit texts from random men late at night? Dude dump her already.

[d0nnivain]

The idea that you check the times stamps on photos, now check to realize that she is sending you photos without time stamps, & you notice when she turns read receipts on an off all screams that you don't trust her. 

Some of her past behavior -- taking a guy home from a bar while drunk, having her friend tell you she cheated, the small lies, & all these random late night texts -- give you reasons to be suspicious but nothing is definitive. 

I couldn't live like this.  Either you think she's loyal & you carry on or you throw in the towel & find a less rocky relationship.  

[Braxton91]

Thanks for all of the advice. I know that trust is  huge, and if there is no trust, then there is no relationship. I’ve been struggling with my own insecurities and trying to believe her, but I can’t ignore the little things adding up, and this intuition I feel. We had a long talk about trust yesterday, and once again, she swears she is telling me the truth and that she has been true to me. I did ask her about the read receipts on her iPhone. She said that she had no idea they had been turned on or off and claims she’s never touched that option on her phone. I found that odd, because it needs to be manually turned on and off in the settings. I don’t think it can just activate and deactivate on accident multiple times. Anyway, I think I need to face the facts and end things. I want to be in a relationship that doesn’t need to be questioned. Thanks again for reading and sharing thoughts, everyone.

[Starswillshine]

I dont think you are being paranoid. 

Why do you have trust issues? Have you been cheated on before? Did you suspect something was going on before and that person reassured you that nothing was going on and that you were just being paranoid? 

[Braxton91]

Yes. I dated a girl for 2 years that was cheating the entire time. She was living a double life. I had my suspicions, but she was a master at manipulating me. Looking back, the amount of lies she told are too many to count. She would love bomb me, gaslight me, and make me feel crazy. I tried to leave her multiple times because of my suspicions, but she always ended up at my front door, sobbing and begging for me back. Telling me to trust her and that she couldn’t live without me. I always caved in.

She said she was going out of town for a weekend to visit some girlfriends. Nothing out of the ordinary, because she would visit them every so often. But it turned out she had a boyfriend living out there. I finally found out the truth, because she was tagged that weekend in a post on FB. She was dressed to the nines, holding some guy at a fancy event.

When I confronted her about the tagged picture and asked who it was, she claimed it was an ex and that they are just friends. Oh the story she spun! I almost believed her. I think I wanted to believe her, because I loved her and couldn’t accept the truth. But it still blows my mind. How can you live two separate lives and string two men along like this? When everything was finally revealed, I couldn’t fathom the amount of deception. Her boyfriend found out about me and sent me threatening messages making me out to be the bad guy. It was unbelievable. I don’t know what lies she told him, but he must still believe her, because I’ve heard they are still together to this day. 

So yes, I have some major trust issues. I hate to carry these over to my new relationship, and I’m trying to let my past go. But I can’t seem to ignore these little things adding up and this sinking feeling in my heart.

Edited December 15, 2020 by Braxton91

[Starswillshine]

I understand fully. I also now understand why you check those little things. I asked because it is little things that I tend to do, too. Like just making sure. 

I feel there is definitely something not right. 

[Emilie Jolie]

2 hours ago, Braxton91 said:

So yes, I have some major trust issues. I hate to carry these over to my new relationship, and I’m trying to let my past go. But I can’t seem to ignore these little things adding up and this sinking feeling in my heart.

You have self-awareness and you can see this situation as it is is not sustainable - that's actually quite mature . 

In this situation, it's not that you have 'trust issues' - you weren't paranoid, you saw the signs, your feelings were verified, you were right.

It's extremely difficult to stay in a relation with no trust; I don't know what you are planning on doing but just in case, even though heartbreaks are not the nicest thing to go through, they are a great learning curve for your next relationship. Maybe tweak your partner-picker a little bit, work on the boundaries you are willing to accept from someone, reassess what is important to you in a relationship and start over with a fresh mind :).