Cantheal Posted December 12, 2020 Share Posted December 12, 2020 Ex and I dated for a year , we lived in the same city, had instant chemistry and fell in love over the course of 6 months . I ended up making a move a few states away to pursue a real estate deal, and we decided to keep dating and make it work. she tried and tried with me and I became so wrapped up in my renovation project (I flip homes for a living). She applied for countless jobs in my state, and I told her to not accept them, for one it was a massive pay cut and I didn’t exactly know what I wanted at the time . fast forward to months of back and forth and me being stupid and Indifferent, I told her I did not want kids ... she broke down crying and thought that I was the one, and she really wants kids in her future , and didn’t see how it could work If we didn’t share the same goals . We became very rocky at this point . Another month goes by and she accepts a job across the country and tells me she’s leaving , we go back and forth on how we could even work it out being so far from each other .. and at this point it hits me, this woman is the woman of my dreams and I do want kids and a future with her ... I reached out and told her all these things that were on my heart .. at this point she’s already moved across country . I tell her I’ll do anything to work it out , sell the house and use all the money to get us settled where she lives , tell her I wanted kids with her .... she goes back and forth with her decisions with me and ultimately tells me she needs time and space away to think about us(she is also casually seeing someone new) and that she would contact me when she’s ready . it has been 3 days since we last spoke and I agreed to give her the time and space she needed , and I was still in love with her and had made steps to improve on myself and ultimately wanted to settle down and have kids one day . I wanted to know my odds here ??! I know I can’t reach out before she does if she ever does ... is my only Chance at getting her back if this new guy absolutely sucks and doesn’t work out ?? Any advice and opinions ?? Link to post Share on other sites
lee179108 Posted December 13, 2020 Share Posted December 13, 2020 Its a horrible situation losing the one you love, lost mine this year for various reasons and i think of her everyday... but let me tell you this.. day by day it gets easier and if you're the one they think about and want to reach out to then they will. They will always find a way to reach out, your best bet now is no contact. If you've laid everything out to her as in said you want kids, willing to move to her area and line up a job.. its up to her now to think about it and decide. Worst thing you can do though is push her and beg... that will only make her angry. If she doesnt come back then just take it as a lesson learnt and move on to someone new where you will realise these things instantly... you mentioned you were hesitant to begin with? maybe you will meet someone where you are never hesitant. A lot can happen in a year. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cantheal Posted December 13, 2020 Author Share Posted December 13, 2020 @lee179108 thanks did being optimistic about this , it has been killing me inside knowing I lost her . She was such a kind soul to me, and I chose a monetary gain over her , and I hate myself for not realizing what she meant to me . She was sort of hiding talking to this new guy to me until she slipped up and said something . I know they have been talking for atleast a month and hanging out . This also kills me , I can’t stop picturing her and this new guy together like we used to be ... does this seem to be a rebound? Kills me because she’s deciding if he’s worth it over me in the long run.. even though I deserve this for being such an ass... Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 13, 2020 Share Posted December 13, 2020 Sorry this happened but 24 weeks dating is a good time to take stock of all the incompatibilities. Your moving was the beginning of the end, and it just sort of dragged on from there for another 6 mos. You both dodged a bullet. Way too many fundamental differences. Pull back, reflect and reconsider things. When the acuity of this fades, you'll see it's for the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 13, 2020 Share Posted December 13, 2020 Woman here. I have to say I would not trust a man who did a complete 180 only when I was about to exit his life. That would tell me that he doesn't really want me; not in a functional, sustainable sort of way. It would indicate that he seems to want what he can't have, and didn't appreciate me enough as a person when he had the opportunity. Thus, I would not trust that he wouldn't pull away again if I were to give him another shot. I don't mean to be harsh, but rather to help you see this from her perspective. She has realized you two really are not compatible and she prefers to be a with a guy who is going to consistently show interest and (eventually) love. Might it be this new guy? Perhaps, or maybe it will fizzle. But I don't think she feels the same way about you that she once did. Those feelings tend to die when they're not reciprocated over a long period, particularly when the guy suddenly flip-flops. Just not a good indication of a man who knows his own mind and what he truly wants. It seems that you don't actually feel you two are a good fit either, or you never would have dodged her for so long. Your gut was telling you that this woman wasn't right for you either, for whatever number of reasons. You need to ask yourself why you're only really interested now that she isn't an option for you. Is it your ego? Truly take time to reflect on what's going on inside you, so that you don't go through this in future relationships. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lee179108 Posted December 13, 2020 Share Posted December 13, 2020 14 hours ago, Cantheal said: @lee179108 thanks did being optimistic about this , it has been killing me inside knowing I lost her . She was such a kind soul to me, and I chose a monetary gain over her , and I hate myself for not realizing what she meant to me . She was sort of hiding talking to this new guy to me until she slipped up and said something . I know they have been talking for atleast a month and hanging out . This also kills me , I can’t stop picturing her and this new guy together like we used to be ... does this seem to be a rebound? Kills me because she’s deciding if he’s worth it over me in the long run.. even though I deserve this for being such an ass... It may be a rebound or it may not be... thing is you cant do anything about it now so just got to carry on and find someone new who you will be compatible with... someone who will ALSO be kind to you... if she comes back then great. But just date and get out there now and take this as a lesson learnt, thats what im trying to do anyway. Im trying to sustain an attitude of ok that sucked and it happened, it is what it is and i learnt some things so lets find someone new who i can grow with. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 13, 2020 Share Posted December 13, 2020 How do you propose to overcome the distance? This didn't work for a lot of valid reasons. As much as you have come to realize that you cared more than you admitted, there are too many obstacles to overcome. Love alas does not conquer all Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cantheal Posted December 13, 2020 Author Share Posted December 13, 2020 @ExpatInItalywell I didn’t do a full 180. We had incredible times together, knew we loved each other , I just got caught up in a work project and took her for granted . The worst part about all of this is how I treated her through the distance , she was the best thing that has ever happened to me . what’s your opinion on her wanting time ? It’s almost as if we have switched sides of this relationship. Now she needs the time .... think if her new fling is short lived I’d have a chance ? @d0nnivaini proposed to her the last time we spoke I would take all my investments out to her to make it work. I said the monetary gains mean nothing over her , she told me she can’t have me making decisions for us without her input , and said no... she said she needs time to think about us, aka see if her new relationship would be better than us getting back together .. id move anywhere to make it work, but I want her to be on the same page and want me just as bad ... Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted December 14, 2020 Share Posted December 14, 2020 22 hours ago, Cantheal said: I didn’t do a full 180. Saying that you did not want kids and then suddenly decided that you do when she has already left and moved away across the country is you doing a full 180. Kids are one of those things in life that there are no compromises. You can't have half a kid or decide to be a part time parent. You either want them or you don't. She would likely be skeptical about the sudden change in life goals only when she has left. I wouldn't put too much hope on her coming back if the new guy doesn't work out. She likely have already decided that you guys are not compatible long-term. Link to post Share on other sites
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