5 Years and finished suddenly

[Crazy_8]

Hi all,

I haven't been on here for quite a few years now but always seem to end up coming back!

So this week my partner of 5 years left the home with all her belongings. We have a mortgage together and only 18 months into it. 

Shes Bulgarian and Im English, she moved here with nothing and no friends. We started dating via a dating app then eventually became partners about 2 years after that. We've had one mutual breakup but this was a long time ago and Id assumed it would never happen again.

To be truthful, I had a bit of a bad time back in 2017 with some anxiety issues, she stuck around and got me through it. I eventually came out the other end happy and recovered. Since then I have felt eternally grateful and wanted to do all i could to keep her happy. She's constantly spoke about having a baby for the past 18 months however she hasn't been able to get pregnant, I believe she was only pushing this because something wasn't right with us.

I noticed quite soon after moving in together, the intimacy started to decline. We would never argue but we also wouldn't be intimate at all for weeks. I realised this was an issue but I ignored it as I just enjoyed being in her company. We would spend 90% of our time in the house living in separate rooms, I'd be working in the office, she'd be in the bedroom watching Tv (and visa versa). I noticed she started to sit in the garage alot more (so she could smoke), and she would be talking on the phone to her friends for hours most nights. I feel we became more like friends but I was ok with this because I felt settled. She's openly expressed recently that she doesn't want to live in the uk long term, to which I was completely shocked.

Initially upon her ending it, I felt like this was also the right choice so i didnt put up much of a fight. As the week has progressed though, (and since drinking on Friday), I've just felt terrible. Im not a big drinker but i have been drinking once a week recent months, purely due to boredom.

We are now at the point where we are arguing over how I'm going to buy her out of our joint mortgage. It's really starting to affect me and Im just feeling really low all the time. I know the relationship broke down over the course of 12 months but I am angry because she didnt tell me so i just feel a bit betrayed.

Most our conversations are on Facebook now and it's just prolonging the pain, I know that i will have to stay in contact until the house is sorted so thats also playing on my mind. I want to keep the house but I just cant stand sitting in on my own, constantly feeling a sense of dread in knowing the reality that shes never coming back in.

Any tips on getting through this worst part would be much appreciated.

 

Edited December 13, 2020 by Crazy_8

[Dan111]

Hey man, 

You commented on my story and yes it sounds like we are in the same boat. 
it sounds a lot like mine, Intimacy fading and feeling more like friends, but I honestly think that happens in a lot of relationships. 
 

I think her not falling pregnant has really done you a favour, imagine breaking up and having a small baby on the way. 
where is she staying at the moment? 
 

just try to be as civil as possible and focus on working out a plan on how to buy her out etc.

I am quite fortunate that we have a variable mortgage so I can close it without any penalty’s. 
like me you sound as if you know it’s for the best, but that doesn’t make it any easier breaking up. 

just don’t get nasty or bitter , I’ve done that before in younger relationships. 
Can you afford to buy her out? 
may I ask how old you are? Not that it matters but for me I’m struggling with that being 35.. don’t know why..I just feel old and always wanted children by now. 

You need to focus on some hobbies, gym? Football? I play video games with friends online so it’s social. 
Walking the dog really helps me so I can focus on my thoughts. 
 

your probably going up and down in emotions. 1 minute your ok and the next your down. Keep your chin up. 

[Crazy_8]

Thanks for the reply.

She's moved back to parents who are renting a few miles away - they are in the UK to make money then move back to bulgaria in a few years

My mortgage has me tied in so im praying they allow me to buy her out, i should be able to afford it as i have family to help.

Im 31, I also feel old and cant see me getting into another relationship for a LONG time now. Usually the Gym is my go to place for these moments, and hanging with friends - thankfully they have not abandoned me since Ive not bothered with them during this last relationship. I'm still in the anger phase so I'm doing everything in my power not to continue to blame her for everything... 

Yes the emotions are very weird, it's not something thats new to me but I forgot about the fluctuating feelings. The worst part is you forget about whats happened for a minute, then a minute later it comes back to you! The worst time for me is on mornings, I'll wake up early and reality strikes. I've found that doing for drives and 'talking it out' in the car alone actually helps me get my head around it. I can reason with myself that way and find some temporary relief, even if it does sound crazy!

[Gaeta]

I am 3 weeks out of a 5 year relationship. I have been through disbelief, sadness, anger, bargaining for his return and finally I started feeling better yesterday. I didn't cry this weekend. You have to accept it's over and you have to go through the mourning. Holding to anger will only destroy you, allow yourself to be sad and cry that's when our body releases endorphin and it's an important phase that helps us get rid of the break up stress and it changes our mood. 

You are not old, geez I am 55 and I don't feel old ! You have plenty of time to recover from this and move on to your next relationship. Each break up makes us smarter and wiser and helps us making better choice when we pick a partner. 

If I were you I'd sell the house. Make a real break with the pass. 

[Dan111]

Yes, need to get out of that anger phase otherwise it will just sit festering inside you. 
Gaeta is right, if you need to cry you should, I’ve don’t enough of it! 

I often question myself what I could of done different but I know I literally gave my all to that woman, I tried by best but sometimes things don’t work out. 
i just don’t think we are compatible. 
I started to really resent her for the way she spoke to me and expected me to just be a servant. 
 

i also find I actually fall asleep quite easily but sometimes wake up suddenly early mornings with a realisation of she’s no longer here in the bed with me but I’ve just got to get on with it. 

Try not to drink to much if you can, I often find after a hangover I will feel even more depressed. 
 

I won’t date for a long time now but Also what Gaeta said I think I would be a lot more picky in future partners about similar goals in life. 

[Crazy_8]

Thanks both.

Yep, really need to get away from the anger phase. I've got exams soon so really need to get back on track fast.

I'm also thinking what else could I have done but I honestly think it was out of my control. The woman i thought i loved was so stubborn, nothing was ever up for discussion. If it wasn't inline with her standards then she would resent it/me. She moved away from very low living standards, to our house which is basically a palace (spotless), so I guess the plus side is i dont have to be worried about lying on the couch too long incase i 'break' it.

Im the same with sleeping! My sleep is currently so disrupted, im exhausted on a night but wake up at about 5am with shock. Still not feeling like reality, I guess that will go.

Definitely not drinking for a while! I can feel myself wondering who she might be talking to, to make it so easy to dump me,  but I know its not worth looking into...

[Dan111]

Are you having any kind of contact with her at the moment? do you still have her on social media etc? 
 

Are you telling yourself that because she seems completely over you there must be somebody else in the picture? It’s not always the case but I’ve felt like that before. 
How can somebody your with for 5 years just stop wanting to communicate with you but as you said before.. she’s probably made this decision in her head months before.

it’s so hard I know, my ex is currently like 100 metres down the road in her mums house at the moment. Feels strange. 

she actually messaged me today and I tried to be civil but she seemed to be in a bad mood and now again I feel bad for doing absolutely nothing!  it makes me feel all anxious and now I won’t sleep well because she’s had a bad day or whatever. 
this is typical and I’m always the one trying to fix things. 

[Crazy_8]

2 hours ago, Dan111 said:

Are you having any kind of contact with her at the moment? do you still have her on social media etc? 
 

Are you telling yourself that because she seems completely over you there must be somebody else in the picture? It’s not always the case but I’ve felt like that before. 
How can somebody your with for 5 years just stop wanting to communicate with you but as you said before.. she’s probably made this decision in her head months before.

it’s so hard I know, my ex is currently like 100 metres down the road in her mums house at the moment. Feels strange. 

she actually messaged me today and I tried to be civil but she seemed to be in a bad mood and now again I feel bad for doing absolutely nothing!  it makes me feel all anxious and now I won’t sleep well because she’s had a bad day or whatever. 
this is typical and I’m always the one trying to fix things. 

I have her on social media, i've said to not message me on there anymore though and anything house related needs to be whatsapp only.

Yeah im probably just telling myself that because of how heartless she seems about the whole situation, weird because it was only 2 weeks ago she would not leave me alone, cuddling etc. But yeah you're right she probably made the decision months ago.

Your ex sounds like she is ALOT less over you than mine.You seem way too nice to be dealing with that though Dan, are you feeling that any contact from her is better than nothing? Seems like she's just staying in touch to make sure you don't move on..?

I had a friend come over my house tonight, I felt alot better and actually deciding to sleep in the house alone tonight! 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Crazy_8 said:

I have her on social media, i've said to not message me on there anymore though and anything house related needs to be whatsapp only.

 

Good you are taking care of yourself.

If you want WhatsApp only communication, it's up to you to delete and block her from all other messaging apps and social media.

Reset All your social media privacy settings so you can begin to sever things socially.

[Dan111]

I think in her mind she thinks in her mind living in separate bedrooms and her still chatting to me and I’ll be ok with that until the house is sold, I find that hard.

we might have to do that because I don’t think I can expect her to live at her parents for 2 months or so but it will be difficult. 
 

I find it easier when I do not see her, seeing her just makes me want to patch things up and give me false hope but really deep down I don’t think I could carry on with the way she behaves. 
 

i’m in the office for the rest of the week and she’s been sent home from school as it’s closed so she can go to our home for clothes,rabbits and see the dog. 
 

How are you today? 

[Crazy_8]

Yes it's 100% better not seeing them. I saw my ex on saturday night and she basically reminded me of all the reasons why we weren't working which crippled me. 

Today has been quite rough - Work, Uni class, thoughts of losing the house all kicked in. Felt very low. 

However I'm seeing a pattern where I feel quite good on a night time. It's the only time i eat a full meal as my appetite disappears during the day! Partly the reason for this night time happiness is that I know that I've got a whole 8 hours without stress coming up haha! Hope you had a good night also.

Edited December 15, 2020 by Crazy_8

[Crazy_8]

Had quite a good week this week. Been keeping busy which seems to be a good coping mechanism for me. The thought of her being gone completely still pops into my head but its not as saddening as it was last week. I've regained some focus for my work and studies which is promising. I also went to the gym 4 times this week, thats really helping me at the moment.

However.. I had some (alot of) drinks with a few close people last night and seem to have taken a few steps back! Stupid idea. Feeling quite sorry for myself at the moment. Definitely shouldnt have drank. Back to being in the house alone and not feeling comfortable. I've decided I'm going to go back to my original plan and try to keep as busy as possible over Christmas.

I think I'm still mourning the loss. I've totally accepted that she isn't coming back (in reality I know its the worst idea in the world), but I really miss the presence of someone in my home. It kinda feels like a death in a way which is a thought I'm trying to avoid. Hopefully get back on track and on the road to recovery..

[Dan111]

Hey Crazy_8 

 

I just wanted to check in on how you are doing? 
Are you managing to keep busy?

I’m in tier 4 in the UK now so literally nothing is open apart from the supermarkets and the weather is horrible so I’m struggling to keep busy! 
I’m really missing the gym, just because I found at the end of the tired I was more tired and settled.

my ex seems to occasionally text me quite a lot one day and then the next day nothing. 
she still has to pop into the home to get items but I am finding it hard. 
 

Are you keeping no contact?