Just venting because I cant anywhere else

[learntofly]

I've been lurking here for a while, long enough to know my story isn't that unique.  I don't really have any questions anyone can help me with, I'm not ready to share with family and friends, and this seems like a safe place to let it all out. 

I've been married 21 years and we have 2 kids, 19 and 12.  About 3 years ago he came out as bi when I found some evidence he was attracted to men.  It was devastating to me, but if I'm being honest I really wasn't feeling it any more a couple years before that.  I asked him if he wanted to stay or split.  He said stay.  I decided to stay for the kids, I told him so, I told him when the youngest was grown and out I'd reevaluate if I could stay with him or not.  After a few months we reconnected physically, but I've never felt in love with him again.  I care for him, we (were) good friends, but not the deep in love I thought I once felt.

Fast forward.  Staying at home all day every day working from home together, we increasingly got snippy.  I starting talking to someone online, and the more I got involved with the online guy, the less I was willing to keep my head down and plug along with my husband. The online guy is not exactly the reason, but he is the excuse I suppose. Piece by piece I stopped all physical contact with my husband and  I made it clear I needed space.  We continued to live together.  More frequently he'd sleep on the couch.  We had a talk, I was going to let him come back to bed, but the thought of even sharing the bed with him was too hard, so he recently bought a bed for the spare room where he now sleeps.  

The other day he gave me an ultimatum.  Work on reconciliation or he's moving out.  I told him I just couldn't right now.  I don't know what I feel, so many things, I don't know if I'm making the best decision for everyone.  I'm scared of moving forward on my own (online guy is just for fun, it would never be serious). I'm scared of what all this is doing to the kids.  I feel guilty for not putting my happiness aside and plugging along keeping the marriage together peacefully so the kids don't have the broken home.  I feel like I'm mourning the marriage I thought I had, when everyone thought we were the perfect couple, me included, and we were best friends. Now I find so many of his habits irritating.   I'm a little excited about giving it a go alone.  I think if there ever was a chance I could bring myself to reconcile with him, I'd need physical time apart to see if he left a void.  I don't when he plans to leave, we talked about after Christmas, but he at one point told the oldest it would probably be summer.  That was before I told him I didn't want to work on reconciling at this point, so he might move out sooner.  

[Blind-Sided]

I'm sorry for where you are... but if he is truly gay... then he made the choice long ago.  So, while you feel like you "Are making the choice for everyone"... the reality is... you aren't.  He chose to change what your marriage was, and since you didn't sign up to be married to someone who was gay, then you just need to make the choice to get your life back. 

As you said... your story isn't unique. Strangely enough... I've known 2 people, while in collage, that this happened to their folks.  (Dad came out of the closet)  One was similar, where they tried to stay together. I think they tried an open marriage, but needless to say... "Mom" couldn't handle that after a while. The other... dad ran off with his new BF. 

Your kids are old enough to understand.  It's not easy on anyone to say it's over... but you know in your heart it has to be done.

With that said... as long as you have someone else... (the internet guy) it will be impossible to make it work at all. The reason the little things are bothering you, is because you are already angry (internally) about the situation, and now you won't put up with the things that didn't bother you in the past.  Adding a ray of hope (internet guy) that just amplifies those feelings. In your case... I'm not saying to get rid of your internet guy, because this is not something you can work though.   It's not like your husband just needs to be more attentive, or helpful around the house.  He has changed the core of who he is, and it's not your place to make him change that.  Heck... he can't change who he is.  

Anyway... it's not going to be easy getting through the holidays with this weighing heavy on your heart, and mind. (I know, my exW hit me with "I don't love you" at the beginning of November, and I have 2 younger kids)  But I would say that you need to just start moving forward with your divorce right after Xmas.  You cant heal until it's done. 

I wish you peace in moving forward. 

[amerikajin]

I honestly don't think there's anything to reconcile, and I honestly don't think you are the one to blame. He is the one who is "bi" and in what was presumed to be a heterosexual relationship. To be clear, I'm not attacking or insulting him for being "bi" or "gay" - some people are just confused and don't realize it until later. It does happen.

But as much as I feel for him for coming to that realization in the context of a marriage, I feel even more sorry for you because you had absolutely no idea what was going on inside his head and married presumably based on the assumption he was 100% straight. So if there's a victim, it's you.

I normally don't advocate divorce straight away, but I really don't see you having any other options. This isn't going to work and you know it - you'll be denying yourself what you think you deserve and living a total lie. At this point, it's just a matter of deciding when you want to make that call and then going through the process.

[learntofly]

You're both right.  I'm trying to hang on to to something that never was and never will be.  I feel like I have to keep the family together for the kids, but I guess it's probably not healthy with us not even being that civil to each other anymore.  

[Blind-Sided]

14 hours ago, learntofly said:

...... I feel like I have to keep the family together for the kids, but I guess it's probably not healthy with us not even being that civil to each other anymore.  

It's not.  I have 2 friends that are in that stage... "Stay together for the kids".  But it's just miserable for EVERYONE !!  The adults are sad, and stressed... and the kids aren't dumb.  They can see there are issues, and they are worried about the future.  Once the separation/divorce is happening... it takes that part of the worry away.  And once it final, and people move on... then everyone is OK again.  Sure... it takes some time to heal... but the healing can't happen until it's final.   As long as the relationship is festering... the worry, hurting, stress, and sadness fester too. 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/13/2020 at 10:43 PM, learntofly said:

 The other day he gave me an ultimatum.  Work on reconciliation or he's moving out.  I told him I just couldn't right now. 

Sorry this is happening. Good you are in separate rooms,it will give you time to reflect.

Ultimatums are basically bluffs, coercion and manipulation. Let him move out. Stupid on his part, but.. whatever.

You can postpone things until after the holidays for the sake of the kids. Then in the New year you can confidently consult an attorney for advice on how to best uncouple this unhappy situation.

[ZiggyZaggy]

In some ways, my situation sounds very similar to yours. Hubby and I had a pretty good relationship and then it went sour very quickly a couple of years ago. Living together became like living in hell, and I moved out. We have 2 teens who now move back and forth between houses on alternating weeks. 

I wake up now every morning wondering if this is really the best situation. So much has happened in the past two years, I can't imaging "going back to the way things were" in any sense, but I see the stress on the kids and I feel horrible about it. I continue to feel unsettled with my relationship with Hubby. Basically, I am not sure if moving out was really best, but in that moment, it was the best thing, at least for me,  I think.  

What I'm trying to say is that there's no clear path to take. I know others who stayed in a marriage "for the Kids" and then separated when the kids were out of the house. I have heard many people say that ending their marriage was the hardest thing they ever did, but ultimately one of the best things they ever did.  (I'm not at that point yet, I'm still in the hardest part place). It's tough. It's emotionally draining. There are SO MANY questions that seem to have no answers. You will, eventually, do what you need to do.  Good luck.