I don't know if it's irrational thinking.

[Beto7917911]

I have been dating my girlfriend for a few months now.  I guess the problems have always been because of my "insecurities"  according to my girlfriend.  There have been a few things that have happened over the past month and a half that have me all confused.  My girlfriend has two kids and she is always saying that their father is the best father she could have ever chosen.  Which at first i thought it was good that they got along for the kids.  But lately it's just been too much, i have a few examples i'd like to share.  Maybe someone out there can tell me if i'm being irrational or if my concerns are valid.  She has a great relationship with their father's mother as well, I understand she contacts her about the kids but she had invited me to a kids sporting event.  When we were there she went and spoke to the dad's mother and he was there as well.  She left me in the back where we were sitting and didn't even come back to talk to me or anything like that.  I sat there an hour plus by myself...example two: Just an FYI, i do have a daughter from a previous relationship...we were driving home with the girls and i enjoy doing cool things for them.  I had just bought them some art equipment since they both like to draw and art in general.  the oldest one thanked me and said that my daughter is lucky because i seem to be the coolest dad in the world.  right away my girlfriend turned around and started to tell her very upset that her dad was the coolest dad in the world...didn't know what to say so i stayed quiet...example three: we came out of one of the kid's sporting events.  We went to the dad mom's car to bring the girls to her.  My girlfriend was on the phone with a store and called the dad's mom her mother in law.  Again i stayed quiet and didn't say anything...

 

Over the weekend i just couldn't take it anymore and mentioned to her my concerns.  she turned around and told me that it was all in my head.  That the things she did were not warrant of me accusing her of still being into her ex.  I understand my girlfriend lost her mother a few years ago and according to her the dad's mother has been there for her.  Which I get it, but if you call someone your mother in law wouldn't that be a sign that you still want something to do with your ex?

 

At this point i don't know what to think.  She always texts me how much she loves me and has told me in several occasions that she hasn't been with the guy in over seven years...am i being too irrational in my way of thinking?  Is it that i am looking way too much into it or do i have a reason to be worried?

 

Thank you in advance for any help and/or suggestions.

[d0nnivain]

When she left you while she engaged with the EX & the EX-MIL that was rude but nothing you mentioned make her unfaithful nor do I see evidence of her wanting the EX back.  You can think somebody is a great dad / person but a lousy husband. 

All of my EXs are good men.  That doesn't mean they were the men I was supposed to marry but just because I refuse to speak ill of them, especially because it's unwarranted, doesn't mean I want to throw my husband over for them. 

Your GF would be better served elevating, you rather than cutting you down, but I don't see cheating.  There are more elegant ways for her to accomplish her goals of being kind to her EXs family for the sake of the kids.  For example when her daughter said to your daughter that you were the coolest father, instead of knocking you, your GF would have done well to teach both girls graciousness & to pick good men.  She could have simply said to her daughter that the father was great too & they are all lucky because you are in their lives.  

Again your GF is rude, or at least impolite, not cheating.  

[Beto7917911]

Thank you very much d0nnivain, It makes sense what you're saying.  Again, my biggest problem, or the reason for my argument was that it was wrong how she handled things.  Again, I was caught in my head because I would never do those things to her.  What do you think about her calling the dad's mother "her mother in law"?  Am I wrong for feeling uncomfortable or thinking wrong because she called her dad's kids mother in law?  Thank you very much for the quick reply.

[Gaeta]

She handles many situations the wrong way. It was inconsiderate of her to leave you in the back by yourself for so long. This time it was to go chat with her ex-mother in law but she would probably do the same thing to you in other circumstances like in family reunions, parties, etc

Concerning her reaction to her own daughter for telling you you're a cool dad it's almost as if she doesn't want her daughter to start liking you. It comes across as manipulative to me. And inconsiderate toward you as you're standing right there. 

Calling her ex-mother in law - 'mother in law', it could be done out of habit, how long they've been divorced? Again I find it inconsiderate from her to say all this in front of you.

And finally when you open up about your feelings she dismisses them 'it's all in your head'. THAT  to me is a huge red flag that points toward manipulation, lack of empathy and sensitivity, and narcissism traits. 

Edited December 14, 2020 by Gaeta

[curlygirl40]

I'm agreeing with D0nnivain here in that I think your gf is rude but it doesn't have to do with the ex.    It's odd behavior and I can see why it makes you uncomfortable though.   

I think in this situation you're just going to have to decide if this is o.k with you, maybe you're just not compatible.  I don't see her changing.    

Or maybe when you've talked to her, you come across as jealous instead of addressing the real issues.    What she said to the daughter in the car is beyond weird to me.  So many other ways she could have handled it to lift you up, to agree with the daughter and to also not bash the ex.   instead of lifting the ex up, correcting the daughter and making you feel like crap at the same time.    

Maybe something is going on that you're not aware of.   Maybe she feels guilty about the split and is trying overly hard with her kids to make sure they know they have 2 great parents even though they aren't together.   Also, again, you can be a great parent but a crappy husband.     So her telling the kids how great they have it doesn't mean she wants to be back together with him in any way.   

I'm not sure what to make about the mother in law comment.   I think it just shows affection for the MIL, not any association with wanting to be back with her ex.   I have remained very close with my ex SIL and BIL and it is odd changing how I refer to them.  Actually as I was typing this I typed out 'my sister in law' then went back and changed it to ex Sister in Law.    But to me this just shows her close relationship with this woman, not her wanting to still be associated with the ex. 

At the end of the day, you have to decide if you can live like this.  Maybe you're just incompatible.     But I don't see her changing any of this.  

If she's not being inappropriate with the ex in other ways, that you've seen, I think you have to let it go.  BUT again, having said that, it's all a bit rude to me.  The leaving you alone at the game, etc.  That is what I would focus on when I think about her qualities.   

Best of luck

[d0nnivain]

MIL is a label.  It describes a former relationship & is a short hand way of acknowledging the motherly role that the MIL plays in your GF's life.  It's not about wanting the EX back.  You can try asking your GF to call her former MIL the kids' grandmother or even by her 1st name but IMO that phrase is not the hill to die on in the course of your relationship.  

[usa1ah]

The two of you have only been together for a few months. So you want to be 2nd fiddle the rest of the relationship. Can you actually not get defensive every time she belittles you to the kids. 
 

I am going to say this isn’t normal. I understand getting along for the kids. What she did to you in front of the girls isn’t getting along for the kids sake. It’s putting you in your place. She could have easily said the you are pretty great instead of knee capping you. 
 

The relationship would have ended at the end of that day if I was you. Life is to short to be with someone like her. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. It's only been a few months and it's just too much too soon.

Trying to make this a blended family before you two have had enough time to be a couple is not good for you, her or the kids.

Your relationship needs to to stabilize before doing all this blended family stuff.

For her kid's sake she's on good co-parenting terms with the father and grandparents. More divorced parents should try cooperating this way.

As far as the "cool dad"push back, that's not about you.

It's about her poor judgement trying to create an instafamily after just dating a few months.

Step back from this. Stop involving your child or her children and just date for a while.

Unfortunately it's not your call how she co-parents or interacts with her kids grandparents.

Focus on your own co-parenting and date as two adults first.

[Starswillshine]

I wouldn't worry at all about her referring to her ex MIL as MIL. I still do, just because it is weird to say ex MIL. And I promise, I definitely do NOT want my ex back. And I dont even have a great relationship with my ex MIL. It sounds like this woman was important in her life. It was rude to leave you alone while she talked to MIL. Maybe you should have joined her. 

The thing with the daughter saying you were a cool dad is just weird. I could never see correcting my child and making sure they believe their dad is the coolest. I understand making an effort to have a good co-parenting relationship (this is important to me as well), but that one is just odd. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I feel your girlfriend lacks respect for you and you're conflict avoidant. 

Also, I don't like that she minimized your concerns. Too much like gaslighting you. It's ok to disagree with your partner's perspective, but it's not ok to make them feel bad about their perspective (or shame/humiliate anyone over their feelings).

Seems she chronically undermines other people's feelings and puts herself first. Selfish. She does it to you and her kids. Do you have a true and clear understanding as to why her marriage failed?

[oldtruck]

she divorced her exH. she does not have to go  NC with this MIL.

this MIL will always be a Gmom to her children.

[smackie9]

The kids are wonder full, getting along with the ex and MIL is great, but your GF is a rude inconsiderate boot. better take a good strong look at who you are dating...me I wouldn't want my kid around that attitude.

Edited December 17, 2020 by smackie9