How to stop wanting to talk to guys that let me down and just move on?

[MissPinkEyes]

I have been single for a while and doing online dating. As you guys here probably know, it's hard to have a connection with someone you meet on OLD. So when that happens, I am really happy.

In the past I used to ignore red flags and had bad situations with guys who just wanted sex or use me, and now I am high alert to that.

When I feel a connection to a guy I met on OLD and I see a red flag, I have this need to give him feedback and confront him with it.

For example, the two last guys I felt a connection, one I went on a date with, huge chemistry and we ended up hooking up (but no actual sex). After this he started sexting me. I was really attracted to him so I got involved in the sexting. We made plans to see each other again and I started to realise he just wanted to have sex and go all the way the next time we meet. So I told him I would like to talk about other stuff too and get to know him at other levels. So he stopped responding. Nothing more. Which just confirmed he just wanted sex.

The second guy, I felt a nice connection, no sex talk, lots in common. He invited for dinner as well, failed to make arrangements, then said something came up and he forgot his phone at home, a really weird mess. I was pis*** off because he said nothing for hours and only messaged me at dinner time. I had to ask my mom to stay with my son so I could go out, and all for nothing. He called me and apologise but when he said he was waiting for me to contact him, I told him I do not like things this way and we are very different. Haven't heard back from him. I sent him a message asking if he doesn't want to talk anymore, and he didn't read it or responded.

And I was really sad after these situations. When I don't feel a connection with a guy, is easy for me to next and move on. But when I feel a connection I feel like giving feedback, express my honesty and somehow want to get into an understanding with them, which never happens because they just don't care and stop talking to me. Then I end up feeling stupid and like I have a problem. 

I know, I should not feel attached emotionally so soon and with people I barely know. But somehow I do.

How to stop this pattern? I would like to when I see something I don't like just not give any more chances or conversation or be honest, but just move on. No feedback, nothing. I think that should be reserved for a relationship, not a guy I barely know, right? 

[d0nnivain]

Good self talk is a great tool.  When you find yourself attaching but know you are doing wrong because it's too early to be this invested, acknowledge the thought & behavior then think about all the reasons you know you should not do this.  Then do something else.  

[Watercolors]

Take a break from online dating. Focus on life with your son and making it through the pandemic. 

You already know the answers, as you’ve been able to avoid getting too emotionally attached to the wrong guys in the past. 

[MissPinkEyes]

10 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Good self talk is a great tool.  When you find yourself attaching but know you are doing wrong because it's too early to be this invested, acknowledge the thought & behavior then think about all the reasons you know you should not do this.  Then do something else.  

Yes I get that. I think somehow I am waiting to find that amazing true love connection where you feel it right from the start and as soon as I feel a connection with someone I start getting excited it is that, and don’t even realise I do not know that guy at all, and I only realise that when he starts showing how he is and I see we are not compatible. Then I am already emotionally invested to just walk away without saying a word.

Edited December 14, 2020 by MissPinkEyes

[MissPinkEyes]

7 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Take a break from online dating. Focus on life with your son and making it through the pandemic. 

You already know the answers, as you’ve been able to avoid getting too emotionally attached to the wrong guys in the past. 

I don’t think taking a break from dating will solve it because only in interaction with others things come up. A break in dating would only be ignoring the issue and delaying dealing with it as I am doing now. Thank you.

[Watercolors]

2 minutes ago, MissPinkEyes said:

I don’t think taking a break from dating will solve it because only in interaction with others things come up. A break in dating would only be ignoring the issue and delaying dealing with it as I am doing now. Thank you.

Well, your issues have to do with you as a whole person. OLD is one platform where those issues get triggered. I don’t think you have very healthy self-esteem, good communication skills, know how to set boundaries for yourself, or for others. I think you need to stop online dating until you can fix those issues within yourself. Then, you’ll be able to navigate online dating much better than you currently are. 

You are lonely, so you emotionally invest in men’s online dating profiles which are just one dimensional presentations of who they are as a whole person. You believe that their texts to you are real communication; that their texts to you mean that you two are dating or are in a relationship. Also, not true. 

[MissPinkEyes]

7 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Well, your issues have to do with you as a whole person. OLD is one platform where those issues get triggered. I don’t think you have very healthy self-esteem, good communication skills, know how to set boundaries for yourself, or for others. I think you need to stop online dating until you can fix those issues within yourself. Then, you’ll be able to navigate online dating much better than you currently are. 

You are lonely, so you emotionally invest in men’s online dating profiles which are just one dimensional presentations of who they are as a whole person. You believe that their texts to you are real communication; that their texts to you mean that you two are dating or are in a relationship. Also, not true. 

If I didn’t have self esteem or boundaries I would not stop when I see things I don’t like, which I do. In the past I would ignore them and still get involved but not now.

I’m sorry but I don’t agree with you on that.

I do agree however when you say I feel lonely. Yes I do. With this virus thing I am away from my friends, and only person I interact is my mom who lives close, and my son.

I truly miss having a partner and being in a relationship. I don’t think that texts or phone calls mean I am in a relationship with a guy I barely know, but I feel it could lead to that and having someone to talk to with whom I feel a connection feels wonderful I have to admit.

The problem is not getting emotionally invested before I truly know someone.

Edited December 14, 2020 by MissPinkEyes

[stillafool]

24 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Take a break from online dating. Focus on life with your son and making it through the pandemic. 

You already know the answers, as you’ve been able to avoid getting too emotionally attached to the wrong guys in the past. 

This^^^^

Try to develop more friendships with women to hang out with.

 

 

[MissPinkEyes]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This^^^^

Try to develop more friendships with women to hang out with.

 

 

My question is not about friendship with women, but about dating. Thank you.

[Watercolors]

7 minutes ago, MissPinkEyes said:

My question is not about friendship with women, but about dating. Thank you.

I agree that I think you could help yourself, by investing more time in developing offline friendships with women in your area. Instead of focusing on texting with all of these OLD men that don’t lead to any dates. 

[MissPinkEyes]

3 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

I agree that I think you could help yourself, by investing more time in developing offline friendships with women in your area. Instead of focusing on texting with all of these OLD men that don’t lead to any dates. 

I do have girlfriends, no need for more thank you. I miss a life partner, not women.

[Watercolors]

Just now, MissPinkEyes said:

I do have girlfriends, no need for more thank you. I miss a life partner, not women.

Well, the way you’re going about it with online dating clearly isn’t working. Good luck!

[MissPinkEyes]

3 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Well, the way you’re going about it with online dating clearly isn’t working. Good luck!

That is why I am here looking for advice.

I appreciate your help, but telling me to go find friendships with women when my question is about dating men makes little sense to me.

Edited December 14, 2020 by MissPinkEyes

[MsJayne]

You're wanting approval and validation from people who are too shallow to even grasp the fact that other people have feelings too.  My advice is this; Shift your focus from being the one seeking approval to being the one who gives or denies it - it's not what they think of you, but what you think of them that's important. Be the one who stops the contact, don't bother explaining why you don't think you're a good match, just dismiss them.  The moment someone you just met makes you feel insignificant or devalued, cut them off point blank. Saying nothing actually says a great deal as well as being majorly insulting. Try it, you'll like it. 

[MissPinkEyes]

25 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

You're wanting approval and validation from people who are too shallow to even grasp the fact that other people have feelings too.  My advice is this; Shift your focus from being the one seeking approval to being the one who gives or denies it - it's not what they think of you, but what you think of them that's important. Be the one who stops the contact, don't bother explaining why you don't think you're a good match, just dismiss them.  The moment someone you just met makes you feel insignificant or devalued, cut them off point blank. Saying nothing actually says a great deal as well as being majorly insulting. Try it, you'll like it. 

You are right thank you. I try to reason with people who devalued me somehow, and that is insane. I’ll try it.

[Miss Spider]

Yes, it seems a little bit like low self-esteem and seeking external validation. It also could about wanting the closure. I think if you raise your self-esteem you will care less about getting answers from another person. If you build a strong foundation self-esteem/values/ principles, your feelings won’t be as shaken by others. I am guessing these men are generally desirable, because a lot of men who are have no problem going on a few dates or hooking up with a woman and fading out/ moving on. They have plenty of others waiting in the wings and can afford to be choosey. Because these people have characteristics that are desirable, you put value on them. But maybe if you had an understanding of your worth, even if you didn’t have a find a mutual connection with someone you liked , you wouldn’t care as much. You’d realize it doesn’t say anything more than that you weren’t a match. 

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, MissPinkEyes said:

 as soon as I feel a connection with someone I start getting excited 

The minute you find yourself doing this, acknowledge that you are doing it.  Remind yourself that you don't know the person; the instant connection you seek is lust not love; & you are chasing a Hollywood version of love which is screwing you all up.  

If you strengthen your friendships, you will feel less lonely.  Then you won't grasp at so many straws.  

Edited December 14, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Wiseman2]

Some of the flakes and weirdos of OLD, you can't take personally.

Another aspect is "one-and-done", then of course there's the pen pal seekers,etc.

All you can do is review your dating strategies, screening and criteria and tweak it 

The best way to go about it is to cut your losses early with timewasters, have set plans to meet in a timely fashion and avoid overinvesting before meeting.

[MissPinkEyes]

On 12/14/2020 at 11:32 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yes, it seems a little bit like low self-esteem and seeking external validation. It also could about wanting the closure. I think if you raise your self-esteem you will care less about getting answers from another person. If you build a strong foundation self-esteem/values/ principles, your feelings won’t be as shaken by others. I am guessing these men are generally desirable, because a lot of men who are have no problem going on a few dates or hooking up with a woman and fading out/ moving on. They have plenty of others waiting in the wings and can afford to be choosey. Because these people have characteristics that are desirable, you put value on them. But maybe if you had an understanding of your worth, even if you didn’t have a find a mutual connection with someone you liked , you wouldn’t care as much. You’d realize it doesn’t say anything more than that you weren’t a match. 

Yes you are right, it doesn't say anything more than that we were not a match. It's my expectations and my over investing in someone I don't know that create my frustration and wanting to give feedback and talk and etc, when something comes up that shows we are not compatible. Otherwise, I'll just block and delete without a second thought and without saying a word.

I'll start to acknowledge when I am having expectations early on and be conscious about it, from now on.

Edited December 16, 2020 by MissPinkEyes

[Lost1981]

On 12/14/2020 at 9:33 PM, MissPinkEyes said:

The second guy, I felt a nice connection, no sex talk, lots in common. He invited for dinner as well, failed to make arrangements, then said something came up and he forgot his phone at home, a really weird mess. I was pis*** off because he said nothing for hours and only messaged me at dinner time. I had to ask my mom to stay with my son so I could go out, and all for nothing. He called me and apologise but when he said he was waiting for me to contact him, I told him I do not like things this way and we are very different. Haven't heard back from him. I sent him a message asking if he doesn't want to talk anymore, and he didn't read it or responded.

I'm not sure if you still want replies, but I can see myself in a lot of what you write. I'm not dating at the moment, but when I did I also got attached really quickly and I blamed myself and got really upset, when they dumped me or ghosted me. I also got the urge to tell them how it made me feel, but that didn't really change anything. It's not like it made the men stop and think "Oh, maybe she's right!". They probably just thought I was annoying.

As for this quote above it just stroke me...First you tell him that you're very different and then you ask him if he doesn't want to talk anymore. If someone would criticize my behaviour and also told me we were very different, I'm not sure I would want to talk with them anymore either. What's the point in that? And I can ask you...why do YOU want to talk with a guy who acts like this and who is very different from you? 

I'm not sure if anything of this helps you. I'm sorry to hear you have a hard time finding love. The best advice I ever got was that if you're rejected, you weren't a match...the other person just saw it before you did. That advice have been very comforting for me. 

[JRabbit]

On 12/14/2020 at 5:03 PM, MissPinkEyes said:

That is why I am here looking for advice.

To be fair you are getting good advice just ignoring it all.

I agree you need more time on your own. I struggle with the same thing, connecting too strongly to someone I don't know. I realized I need more time on my own, even after being single for a year now.  Until you are more secure with yourself, you won't be able to change this reaction.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think the main thing is to be solid on your own. When life is good and complete, we tend to be better at keeping anyone but good people out.

Also, realize that most people don't change. So these low-quality guys will remain low-quality, no matter how much you try to "educate" them. Don't waste your energy on that. 

Immediately block and delete anyone who shows any hint of being low-quality in any way. Dating with this mentality is so much easier and stress-free.

[Weezy1973]

On 12/14/2020 at 3:51 PM, d0nnivain said:

Remind yourself that you don't know the person; the instant connection you seek is lust not love; & you are chasing a Hollywood version of love which is screwing you all up.  

This is the crux of the problem and what many people struggle with when OLD. That chances of having an instant attraction / connection with a stranger that then turns into a lifelong relationship is extremely small. Most people aren’t good matches and early attraction or connection is not an indicator at all as to how compatible you’ll be. That knowledge only comes with time. There have been some good suggestions here already. What worked for me was multidating early and keeping options open, even if I did feel an early connection.

As your story shows, even with that early connection, chances are it’s not going to work out long term. Keeping your options open, having another date with a new person lined up, and keeping your OLD profiles active all work to mitigate the emotional investment too early in the dating cycle. 

[MissPinkEyes]

On 1/5/2021 at 11:46 PM, Weezy1973 said:

This is the crux of the problem and what many people struggle with when OLD. That chances of having an instant attraction / connection with a stranger that then turns into a lifelong relationship is extremely small. Most people aren’t good matches and early attraction or connection is not an indicator at all as to how compatible you’ll be. That knowledge only comes with time. There have been some good suggestions here already. What worked for me was multidating early and keeping options open, even if I did feel an early connection.

As your story shows, even with that early connection, chances are it’s not going to work out long term. Keeping your options open, having another date with a new person lined up, and keeping your OLD profiles active all work to mitigate the emotional investment too early in the dating cycle. 

Thanks to your replies everyone.

I am multi dating now and is soooooo much easier! I am talking to 5 guys at the moment, and it makes me much more realistic about them. When one says something I do not feel comfortable with, block and delete easily without any conversation or feedback.

I knew stop dating and be with myself was not the answer, as I have done that already for a long time. What I needed is this, rotation. Talking to more than one guy at the same time until I find that special person. Until then, they are all strangers I have zero connection with. It's working! :)

[hippychick3]

3 hours ago, MissPinkEyes said:

Thanks to your replies everyone.

I am multi dating now and is soooooo much easier! I am talking to 5 guys at the moment, and it makes me much more realistic about them. When one says something I do not feel comfortable with, block and delete easily without any conversation or feedback.

I knew stop dating and be with myself was not the answer, as I have done that already for a long time. What I needed is this, rotation. Talking to more than one guy at the same time until I find that special person. Until then, they are all strangers I have zero connection with. It's working!

This is exactly what I did when I was dating. When I had multiple options, it was much easier to walk away from anyone who did not meet my expectations or had red flags. Never put all your eggs in one basket until they’ve proven themselves to you with honesty, loyalty, time, and consistency.