Am I falling out of love or patience?

[Feelingemptynow11]

My boyfriend has a bad personality trait of certain times telling me what to do. Example is I’ll start to drink diet ice tea and he’ll say do you know how many chemicals are in that drink and I’ll say yes but I don’t drink too much and he’ll say don’t drink it because it’s really bad for you look at the ingredients so drink it without any preservatives or sweetener (he has also mentioned in the past that diet products make you gain weight and tells me I need to work out). Another recent time as I was getting in the bed he asked did you brush your teeth and wash your face? He’s done this before and I responded that I have an account not be concerned about that. However he still does it on occasion. It’s this kind of behavior that drives me nuts. I do care for him and he is very very affectionate and loving but I’m not sure I can deal with this type of behavior even if it only happens once a day or every other day. Because of this I’ve not been feeling as good with him and frankly not sure I even want to be with him to deal with the next “directive”. Has anyone felt like this? Does it mean I don’t love him anymore? 
 

[d0nnivain]

It means that habit of his irks you.  It has nothing to do with love.  It may have to do with acceptance.  He probably won't stop so can you tolerate this forever? 

[Watercolors]

I dated a guy like that. We didn't last very long. Any grown man who is going to "police" my hygiene habits and what I eat or drink nutritionally can stuff a sock in it. 

Why are YOU tolerating this abuse (and yes, it is). How old are you two, and how long have you been together and lived together? 

And...why do you allow him to talk to you like you're six years old. Like he's your dad reminding you to eat healthy and brush your teeth. Surely you stick up for yourself and tell him to shut up? 

[Feelingemptynow11]

we've been together 15 months and it's just got more noticeable to me over the last few months. in the past, I've replied to his comment about washing my face and brushing my teeth as "you don't need to remind me I know what to do".  We are both in our 60s and we don't live together (he was pushing marriage to me for a long time only after being together a few months but I pushed back thankfully). It feels like he is more of a parent than a partner but at the same time he is very affectionate and loving and compliments me on many things.  Very strange...

[FMW]

Maybe that was the dynamic he had with a previous partner and that's what seems normal and comfortable to him.

It would drive me nuts, I'd have to be really crazy about someone to put up with that.  And I'm not sure I could get to the crazy for them stage with that happening.  

[Watercolors]

If he was married before, or with someone before you and that’s how he treated her (which is, because he likes to be domineering), then he is most likely repeating that pattern with you. I’m glad you didn’t let him pressure you into marriage to him. 15 months is long enough to decide, at your age, if you’re willing to always put up with is need to dominate you and treat you in a way where he minimizes your feelings. 

It’s ridiculous that he’s acting this way at his age, with a woman he is in a relationship with. Definitely don’t give up your home for him. Don’t let him move into your home either. Since you’re told him top acting that with with you and he refuses to, it’s up to you, if you are willing to sacrifice your dignity like that on a regular basis, to date someone like him. You deserve to be with a man who isn’t going to belittle you in those ways that he is. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Feelingemptynow11 said:

 I was getting in the bed he asked did you brush your teeth and wash your face? 

Yikes 😬 . How long have you been dating?

He's a control freak at best. Run 👟👟

[Feelingemptynow11]

Unfortunately, I was unable to talk to my boyfriend last weekend about his bossy and controlling ways to give him a chance but because I was busy taking care of my cat who very unfortunately became quite ill and I had to put my cat down just the other day. Needless to say, I am completely heartbroken. Well my boyfriend was here last weekend seeing how ill my cat was and he kept on saying to me you really need to put the cat down in the next few days before the Christmas holiday since it may be hard for someone to help you to put him down during the holiday. He did say it softly because he knew my son is very sensitive about the cat was in the other room. However to me his voice is still loud so I requested that he will not discuss it at that time. I was aware that my cat was not doing that well and had planned to take him to the vet anyway the following day on Monday which was the same day that we had to put him down. What’s interesting is since I put my cat down on Monday my boyfriend has been very sympathetic and keeps on saying that I wish he could do something for me etc. it’s sort of like now that I’m down for the count he is supportive. Meanwhile, when my cat was alive even before he got sick my boyfriend was not supportive in the least with the cat and wanted me to put my cat down just because of the fact that he was 17 years old which makes no sense. When he discussed this my son again overheard him at that time and was very upset at what he heard. Eventually, my boyfriend dropped it until recently of course when my cat fell ill. In addition, my boyfriend was never, with very few exceptions nice or respectful to the cat and as a result my cat hissed generally when my boyfriend was around at him which was slightly unusual for him to do so. He just didn’t like him. My boyfriend was complaining about my cats litter getting all over the floor and how I left the food near the kitchen sink as opposed to across the kitchen where would be more out of the way he also made fun of the cat food etc.

What my boyfriend doesn’t know yet is that me and my son are considering at least fostering another cat since our lives feel very empty without our cat. I plan on bringing this up to my boyfriend when I see him this weekend just to see what his reaction is since he is not a cat lover despite the fact that he’s told me he was a dog lover and he had a dog for 15 years before he had to put it down. Once I get past that subject, I can get onto the other concerns relative to him being controlling and bossy and over opinionated even though his underlying motive may be a good one. I'm very nervous.

 

[d0nnivain]

My condolences on the loss of your beloved cat. 

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, Feelingemptynow11 said:

Unfortunately, I was unable to talk to my boyfriend last weekend about his bossy and controlling ways to give him a chance but because I was busy taking care of my cat who very unfortunately became quite ill and I had to put my cat down just the other day.

What my boyfriend doesn’t know yet is that me and my son are considering at least fostering another cat since our lives feel very empty without our cat. I plan on bringing this up to my boyfriend when I see him this weekend just to see what his reaction is since he is not a cat lover despite the fact that he’s told me he was a dog lover and he had a dog for 15 years before he had to put it down. Once I get past that subject, I can get onto the other concerns relative to him being controlling and bossy and over opinionated even though his underlying motive may be a good one. I'm very nervous.

 

I’m sorry to hear about your cat’s passing. So, it sounds like you don’t want to confront your boyfriend period. I mean, why not? You’re both 60-something years old. And, you have a 17 year old son. At some point, you have to take control of your life not just for your sake, but for your son’s sake. When is that going to be? What other event, will conveniently prevent you from taking the reigns back from your passive-aggressive boyfriend? 

I’m not trying to downplay the loss of your cat, either. The loss of a family pet is devastating. But, postponing an important relationship conversation b/c your cat died is just making excuses on your part, because you don’t want to have that uncomfortable relationship talk. 

If you are going to foster another cat - and hide that from your non-cat boyfriend, you are again, setting yourself up to fail. That’s not the most assertive way to handle your relationship problems. Please don’t foster a cat. I picture your boyfriend abusing it for some reason and you allowing that to happen. 

I don’t think you are strong enough to set boundaries with your passive-aggressive boyfriend, or you would not be dating someone like him to begin with. I don’t see this relationship improving, I’m sorry. You just keep making excuses to postpone what you need to do, b/c you’re afraid of being alone. And, better to have an abusive boyfriend around than be alone, right? 

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

And, you have a 17 year old son.

I think it was the poor cat that was 17 yo, I am not sure how old the son is.

OP, forget about fostering a new cat and get you and your son away from this man.
Highly convenient the cat just happened to get ill and died...

[Watercolors]

Just now, elaine567 said:

I think it was the poor cat that was 17 yo, I am not sure how old the son is.

OP, forget about fostering a new cat and get you and your son away from this man.
Highly convenient the cat just happened to get ill and died...

Oh whoops you’re correct the cat was 17. Time to get my eyeglass prescription updated! Sorry OP! But still. Fostering a cat now would be a huge mistake. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Total deal breaker to me. Boyfriend doesn't know that it's not his job to tell you how to live. 

Dump him. He will not change.  This is certain NOT new behavior. so the question is why did you put up with this controlling, annoying, micro-managing, domineering nonsense for 15 months? Either you trust that something can think clearly or you don't. If he doesn't trust your thinking he ought not be dating you and you ought not be dating someone who talks to you like a child. 

But hey, it's up to you. This has nothing to do with love. Love cannot survive someone being a total jerk. Being in love has nothing to do with anything here. No "love" can survive this kind of treatment. You do know that lots of victims of violence were "in love" with their partners as well. So what?! 

[Watercolors]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Total deal breaker to me. Boyfriend doesn't know that it's not his job to tell you how to live. 

Dump him. He will not change.  This is certain NOT new behavior. so the question is why did you put up with this controlling, annoying, micro-managing, domineering nonsense for 15 months? Either you trust that something can think clearly or you don't. If he doesn't trust your thinking he ought not be dating you and you ought not be dating someone who talks to you like a child. 

But hey, it's up to you. This has nothing to do with love. Love cannot survive someone being a total jerk. Being in love has nothing to do with anything here. No "love" can survive this kind of treatment. You do know that lots of victims of violence were "in love" with their partners as well. So what?! 

I agree with you Lotsgoingon. 

This relationship is not based on a mutual respect or love for each other between the OP and her boyfriend. It’s more one of miscommunication on both their parts, a refusal to respect themselves or each other, and an ongoing walk-on-eggshells dynamic for them both. OP, why are you with this man? Is it for the financial security? Because, it sure doesn’t seem like you have any good reason to be with someone who verbally berates you all the time. You know you can apply for community assistance for financial needs. You don’t need to stay with an abusive boyfriend for financial security. 

OP, you make excuses not to set healthy boundaries with him because you either don’t want to be bothered with standing up for yourself, or the payoff for you is somehow connected to your financial hardship or need for financial security. There’s literally no common sense reason why anyone would stay with a partner who is abusive towards them. You can’t change him and it appears, you have no intention of standing up for yourself with him. You’ve been putting up with his abusive behavior for almost 2 years now. What do you want from this experience? 

[Wiseman2]

This man has caused you more pain and greif and rifts with your adult children than it's worth.

Is dating someone's title That important to you?

Complaining thread after thread about what a controlling insensitive Bozo 🤡  he is won't help you.

What could help you is listening carefully to the warnings your adult kids, friends and family have already cautioned you about this  pompous clown.

[Acacia98]

I think you should go ahead and foster the cat, OP. But dump the man first.

[FMW]

I'm very sorry for the loss of your cat, I know that's difficult.

It's easy for outsiders to read this and say "dump him".  But obviously you are torn about what to do.  What are your reasons for wanting to continue the relationship with your boyfriend?  Take time to write down all the positives and negatives.  What will be the likely result of staying together?  What would your life be like if you stop seeing him?  What's the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach about each option?  Seeing things in black and white might help make it clear what you should do.  

[Feelingemptynow11]

So I was ready to talk to my boyfriend and before I could he already critiqued the fact that I didn’t blow dry my hair all the way. That was enough to set me off. I told him everything that was on my mind including the fact that he was over controlling, over opinionated, and said things that hurt unnecessarily and didn’t need to be said in a matter what he says it. I gave him specific examples of all of this behavior and I was quite to the point raising my voice during much of the discussion since I felt so strongly and I was so angry. I also mentioned to him I did not appreciate the way he treated my late cat. To my surprise, he mentioned that he did actually owned two cats sometime ago and what I said look I might just get a cat again and I don’t wanna hear anything from you he said of course I’ll support whatever decision you make. That was a surprise!

 

I let him know that I wasn’t going to stand for any of this behavior and that if I wanted to have an opinion that I would ask for it and that otherwise he has to keep his mouth closed but any decisions I might make. He sort of apologized just saying look I’m just just trying to help or be of some assistance to you and I told him I don’t need any of his help and if I do need help I’ll let him know. He seemed to understand and be receptive and did not argue with me but we both ended up with tears. He was crying telling me how ill his adult daughter is right now and he hasn’t really told me all that was going on with her and he knows she may only have another 10 years or so with that condition (I feel really bad for his daughter although I know she’s getting proper medical care she had a stroke at 35 and is married with a few kids. His ex wife has been living with the daughter and takes care of them full time.). But really what does that have to do with what I was talking about?

 

He ended up crying about that and I was crying about the way he has hurt me. After all that he goes ahead and makes me a nice dinner and I really don’t know where to go from here. On the one hand I know he really does love me and he wants to be a good partner but on the other side I’m not really sure he has the capability to do so since he clearly has an issue with control if nothing else. I did tell him I thought he was partly narcissistic and he still didn’t flinch when I told him that which makes me think that someone’s already told him that his prior relationships. In any event I don’t know if I’m hoping for something that it’s just not realistic in terms of the check any change in his behavior and or sensitivity.
 

[FMW]

It's good you got it all out in the open.

Honestly, I don't know that it's likely he'll change, we all are who we are, and it seems likely that's just him. 

As to bringing up his daughter's health at that moment, it seems manipulative, a way to diffuse your anger with him and make YOU feel bad for calling him out on his behavior.  

Now that you've told him exactly how you feel, don't let him get by with it any more.  He needs to know you're serious about it not continuing.

[Watercolors]

It's great that you finally told him everything that was bothering you. Good for you. 

Well, you're both in your 60s. So, you already know that he will never change. By that age, nobody changes. Ever. 

I guess just monitor his behavior without having to walk on eggshells like you have been doing. If he falls out of line even today, tell him so. No more internalizing his bullying behavior because that just makes you depressed doesn't it? You just turn his mean treatment inward on yourself, thinking you deserve it. Well, nobody deserves to be bullied. 

He will be testing you from now on, to see if you're serious about keeping him in check. If it were me, I'd dump him, b/c I'd be too emotionally exhausted having to police my boyfriend's narcissistic behavior. That's just too much. I've put up with far less than you have, and still dumped the guy. [edited to remove inappropriate language] 

I would not adopt your cat until you have decided once and for all, what your boyfriend's role is in your life. 

Edited December 29, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited to remove inappropriate language

[Watercolors]

5 hours ago, FMW said:

It's good you got it all out in the open.

Honestly, I don't know that it's likely he'll change, we all are who we are, and it seems likely that's just him. 

As to bringing up his daughter's health at that moment, it seems manipulative, a way to diffuse your anger with him and make YOU feel bad for calling him out on his behavior.  

Now that you've told him exactly how you feel, don't let him get by with it any more.  He needs to know you're serious about it not continuing.

I agree with you FMW. The boyfriend bringing up OP’s daughter’s health was definitely a way to emotionally manipulate and undermine the OP, so that she’d back off on her quest to hold the boyfriend accountable for being such a bully to her. I’m sure the OP isn’t the only girlfriend who’s pointed out his bullying behavior to himself. Guys like him - that’s who they are at their core - they dominate everyone around them with a smile on their face. But behind that smile - which is a facade - is seething anger and hostility. 

[spiderowl]

I'm glad you stood up to him and told him the truth about his behaviour.

People do not usually change their fundamental characters.  Mean people tend to stay mean.  Cruel people stay cruel.  Bullies carry on bullying.  He will wait to see if you mean it and will test you out.  He will do or say something that upsets you to see if you let him get away with it.  If you do, he will know that you are only likely to get angry once in a long while so he can carry on knocking you down.

Saying he had cats, means nothing.  It does not mean he liked them.  They might have been his ex's cats.

I know you like the good side of him but is that enough to live with the bad?  Does he make you feel happy and loved?

[dramafreezone]

You can love someone, but that doesn't mean that you're a match or that you're meant to be together.  I generally think you have to assume that any behavior you see now will not ever go away, and if you can't stand it now it'll drive you much crazier after you've been married for 10 years.  Hope this is helpful.

[Feelingemptynow11]

Happy new year to all. My boyfriend did show up this past weekend and I was just observing to see what he said and did after our talk from the prior weekend. To my surprise overall he was much easier to be around not being offensive with comments. I even had wet hair etc sort of to test him and he said nothing. The only incidents was him saying i shouldn’t be using a certain coffee creamer because of preservatives but I told him I was aware of that but want to use it anyway and a few times he said he wants to help get my son get his own cat and surprise him but I said that was definitely not right way to proceed since my son needs to see how he felt around the cat since he’s still grieving about losing our cat just 2 weeks ago. I had a repeat this a few times each time my bf kept saying come on let’s pick up a cat now and he finally stopped. There was 1 other statement when he mentioned I buy half of my adult sons groceries. While this may have some truth the reason is that my son has expensive meds to pay for and doesn’t earn much so I help sometimes. While I was tempted to say something to my bf I held back to see what else transpired. We met my son at golf and he helped a little. I actually golf instructed my son more and my bf kept on complimenting me on that as well as a few good hits I had. He also started questioning my loyalty by saying he wants me forever so when I didn’t say the same thing he asked what about you etc? He also talked about making us rings for when I’m ready to marry him. Overall I must admit I had a really nice weekend. He keeps saying he loves me and shows me a lot of affection. Could this be genuine and he just has has to be reminded about his behavior sometimes?
 

[Feelingemptynow11]

Not sure it changes anyone’s opinion there was something else my bf said to me last weekend that’s really bothering me and I’m ashamed to admit. Here it is... I got my cat cremated and so I have the urn and a paw print they took ( paw print is in a frame). I was saying to my bf I thought the place did a nice job in terms of sending everything to me and sending a hand written card. He says “I don’t want to upset you but most likely the cremains in the urn are not just your cats but also other cats too”. He went on to tell me when he had his dog cremated he didn’t see a metal piece that was in his body so he knew that wasn’t all of his dogs cremains. He also told me that the paw print is probably some generic thing they use even though I paid for my cats print. Wasn’t sure what to say other than this was a private cremation. Now when I look at these items I’m not sure what to think.