An Act of Betrayal (Or a Stupid Mistake) and Regret: Male Perspective Desired

[Southern Cali Girl]

Good evening.  First time posting.  Thank you in advance for any possible responses and apologies in advance for the length.  

While my issue hasn't to do with marriage per se,  it involves a long term relationship that was heading to marriage, with myself and the gent in question, now an ex, both on the same page.

I did something miserably stupid for someone who is "highly educated" so I ask in advance to be gracious.  I am reeling.

We have not actually met in person because of Covid, but over the course of an exchange on my professional business forum we hit it off tremendously, I am American, he is European.  This evolved into phone calls on a daily basis, texts all day long (as could be managed through work).  Most of all there turned out to be an extraordinary alignment of values--political, philosophical, intellectual, same tastes, same background, same artistic and aesthetic interests, same humor.  I in my 40s, widowed; he in his 50s, divorced.  We are(were) the good looking older couple, and there was a very strong sexual dimension to our relationship--though then limited to phone and text--but very much alive.  Things grew very serious and were planning to meet in January.  Then I botched it big time--having laid, unintentionally but very stupidly, that ground work early on.

Early on in the debut of things, he asked for photos of me, a natural request of course.  Being often told I am beautiful, I am nonetheless camera shy as all heck, and not as photogenic as I come across in person--if that makes any sense.  He was very handsome and dated many beauties in his time.  In a moment of pressure  I borrowed, shall we say, the photo of a model in a very casual, natural pose--no makeup--who approximated how I look.  Basically the same type, and about the same age.  And then a couple more.  On the basis of these he was smitten.  However, I must add that the substance of our conversations, which were always really rich and interesting and animated by wonderful moods, was the glue to it all. He was surprised and charmed by the mirror imaging of our take on the world.  He said he could talk to me as to no one else (and I was a patient sounding board, so to speak, for his many complicated family issues and personal stories) He often said that we were "separated at birth" because of the similarities of our interests and values.  Eventually, "I love yous" were exchanged and there was talk of permanently being together.  As things evolved, I sort of "let" the photos be, figuring that when we met, I would more or less match what he saw.  Then the proverbial you know what hit the fan.

He showed them to a friend who showed them to a friend who knew his way around that world and blew the whistle on me.  The reaction of my  former beau was awful; he was infuriated--rightly so--that I Iied to him.  And he was so disappointed.   When I spluttered that I felt this pressure to look at good as possible with an approximation of how I look; when I reminded him that he did, in fact, have a couple of genuine shots of me (which I did send along) and that my aim was only to please him...he would have none of it.  He demanded to know why I lied, he freaked out, and , in fact, called me "scary" (This fall out, by the way, took place on WhatsApp). I was genuinely mortified, genuinely, genuinely remorseful, but then put up a white flag.  I knew I lost him, then and there.  Subsequently I wrote three patient emails--one short remorseful apology; one longer explanation of "why" and then one slightly more emotional explanation of "why".  All have been ignored.  This happened now three days ago as of this writing (it is Monday,the 14th of December, this went down Saturday the 12th).  I have given up any hope of reconciliation, and simply ended my emails to him telling him I hope he would find it in his heart one day to forgive me.  He has blocked me on all social media, it goes without saying.

My question to all, but especially to men:  Is this an act of betrayal, of lying, that is, in your estimation, completely a deal breaker.   Secondly,  will my former beau ever reflect upon the substance of our conversations, the sense of soul-relief and emotional openeness he experienced in talking to me (his words)...That is, everything outside of the photo issue, will that linger on his mind with any potency?   What would be your reaction if, in fact, you had fallen in love with the woman who had done this? (And again, looks approximately the same as the photos she stupidly used as substitutes?)

Thank you very much for any possible replies

Tears for Rain in SoCal     

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. All you can do is block and delete him.

You can't really backpedal from catfishing.

What you can do is get on some quality dating apps with accurate, recent pics and a good profile and start talking to and meeting Local men.

Don't let loneliness make your choices and get involved in cyberrelationships

[FMW]

I'm a woman, but I wouldn't want anything further to do with a guy that sent me fake pictures.  It's not just the pictures, it's the indication that the person who did that would choose to lie or hide the truth when it suited their purposes.  There would be no acceptable explanation for me.    

[Southern Cali Girl]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

I'm a woman, but I wouldn't want anything further to do with a guy that sent me fake pictures.  It's not just the pictures, it's the indication that the person who did that would choose to lie or hide the truth when it suited their purposes.  There would be no acceptable explanation for me.    

Thank you for your response.  Just to follow up--if over the course of getting to know the guy you found that on many levels you absolutely connected, and that the photos were kind of stand-ins in the absence of something he thought impressive enough---would you still maintain this position?  

Edited December 15, 2020 by Southern Cali Girl

[Betrayed&Stayed]

13 hours ago, Southern Cali Girl said:

My question to all, but especially to men:  Is this an act of betrayal, of lying, that is, in your estimation, completely a deal breaker.   Secondly,  will my former beau ever reflect upon the substance of our conversations, the sense of soul-relief and emotional openeness he experienced in talking to me (his words)...That is, everything outside of the photo issue, will that linger on his mind with any potency?   What would be your reaction if, in fact, you had fallen in love with the woman who had done this? (And again, looks approximately the same as the photos she stupidly used as substitutes?)

First question: Yes, it's a total deal-breaker

Second Question: No

My reaction would be that I've been catfish'ed by an American psycho

I would have serious reservations on why someone would be impelled to send (multiple) fake pictures. That would be a huge red flag of other underlying personal issues

[FMW]

I have to be fair and say that my opinion is colored by having a hard time understanding connecting very deeply with someone when there has been no in-person meeting.  I certainly can't understand falling in love with someone I've never met.  So the fake pictures would be just another reason for me to think I really don't know the person at all, and if they aren't truthful with the photos they probably aren't truthful with what they've told me. 

Maybe someone who has experienced a similar connection would be more understanding and sympathetic to your position.      

[Southern Cali Girl]

28 minutes ago, FMW said:

I have to be fair and say that my opinion is colored by having a hard time understanding connecting very deeply with someone when there has been no in-person meeting.  I certainly can't understand falling in love with someone I've never met.  So the fake pictures would be just another reason for me to think I really don't know the person at all, and if they aren't truthful with the photos they probably aren't truthful with what they've told me. 

Maybe someone who has experienced a similar connection would be more understanding and sympathetic to your position.      

Thank you FMW, and I do of course understand your point of view.  It was a dumb dumb dumb move on my part, and the photos were just 'stand ins" for how i more or less look.  I have paid the price and was hoping, praying he'd find it in his heart to forgive me.  When after dozens of hours of calls someone says to you "I can talk to you about things I never have with anyone else" I was hoping that level of things might save the day.  Obviously not.  Thank you again.

[Southern Cali Girl]

54 minutes ago, Betrayed&Stayed said:

First question: Yes, it's a total deal-breaker

Second Question: No

My reaction would be that I've been catfish'ed by an American psycho

I would have serious reservations on why someone would be impelled to send (multiple) fake pictures. That would be a huge red flag of other underlying personal issues

Thank you B & S. Quick follow up,if I may:

1.  Even if the woman in question is not an American psycho, but the person the gentleman said "understood him better than anyone else" and with whom he could "talk to like with no one else" ....

2.  Even if the photos in question were used as substitutes for what approximates how I actually look? (i.e. a preppy tall blonde and a preppy tall blonde)

Thank you for your comments, they are much appreciated.

 

 

[d0nnivain]

I'm a woman but it would be a deal breaker for me.  You lied about something fundamental -- who you are.  I could never again trust you.  After the that lie I would assume all the other points of commonality were lies too & I wouldn't take the time to sort it out, especially when long distance complicates everything else.  In an LDR trust is even more important than it is regularly.  You blow something that fundamental, that early, it's just too risky to give you the benefit of the doubt about something else.  

If you shaved 1-2 years off your age or 5 pounds off your weight I could deal, but not this.  

It would also make me wonder how vain / insecure you are about your looks & whether you address every problem in life by lying about it.  

Finally because you met on a professional business forum you now need to worry about how this will effect your professional reputation.  If he outs you as somebody who is not trustworthy you may have lost more then a potential BF. 

Finally, you also seem to be jumping the gun.  You are talking about marriage with a man you have never met.  Wayyyy toooo fast.  

[notbroken]

I could never trust anyone ever again that sent me fake pictures and would consider everything about them likely fake - like I had been catfished.  That said, I wouldn't be in that position.  Texting, etc is not actually dating.  Nonverbal communication is just as important as verbal.  You aren't dating anyone until you spend time with them.   Period. Don't invest yourself so much into someone over the phone/texts/emails/etc.   Yes, I know there is a pandemic and that can definitely affect your ability to date someone in person, but don't get overly invested in any one you aren't one on one with.   You don't really know this person no matter how much text, etc you have passed back and forth.  Sorry, but that is the truth.    

Honesty is always the best policy.  Be honest with others and expect the same.  Anything less is an absolute deal breaker in either direction.   

[Betrayed&Stayed]

1 hour ago, Southern Cali Girl said:

1.  Even if the woman in question is not an American psycho, but the person the gentleman said "understood him better than anyone else" and with whom he could "talk to like with no one else" ....

2.  Even if the photos in question were used as substitutes for what approximates how I actually look? (i.e. a preppy tall blonde and a preppy tall blonde)

1 - Given your misrepresentation of yourself - Looking back I wouldn't be able to trust or believe anything that transpired between us. After all, I've never met you in person. What is real and what is fake in our limited history? The line between truth and fiction is blurred beyond demarcation.

2 - Again, I would question the emotional and mental state of anyone who would do that. Why not just provide a picture?

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, Southern Cali Girl said:

if over the course of getting to know the guy you found that on many levels you absolutely connected,

I am afraid in light of the fake photos that connection may be looked on as fake too.
Scammers and other people who are up to no good tend to use mirroring and other manipulations to put their victim at ease and to ramp up the emotional intimacy and to build up trust. They paint a picture of themselves as the perfect partner...
So whilst you may see the close connection as a reason for him to give you a chance, he may see all that as part of your scam... 

[Southern Cali Girl]

25 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm a woman but it would be a deal breaker for me.  You lied about something fundamental -- who you are.  I could never again trust you.  After the that lie I would assume all the other points of commonality were lies too & I wouldn't take the time to sort it out, especially when long distance complicates everything else.  In an LDR trust is even more important than it is regularly.  You blow something that fundamental, that early, it's just too risky to give you the benefit of the doubt about something else.  

If you shaved 1-2 years off your age or 5 pounds off your weight I could deal, but not this.  

It would also make me wonder how vain / insecure you are about your looks & whether you address every problem in life by lying about it.  

Finally because you met on a professional business forum you now need to worry about how this will effect your professional reputation.  If he outs you as somebody who is not trustworthy you may have lost more then a potential BF. 

Finally, you also seem to be jumping the gun.  You are talking about marriage with a man you have never met.  Wayyyy toooo fast.  

He brought up marriage, not I.  I in fact wanted to slow things down.

I see your point about everthing else seeming fake.  This depresses me because all of that was indeed genuine.  The photos were a kind of placeholder. 

Thank you for your input...

[Southern Cali Girl]

11 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I am afraid in light of the fake photos that connection may be looked on as fake too.
Scammers and other people who are up to no good tend to use mirroring and other manipulations to put their victim at ease and to ramp up the emotional intimacy and to build up trust. They paint a picture of themselves as the perfect partner...
So whilst you may see the close connection as a reason for him to give you a chance, he may see all that as part of your scam... 

I did in the end send photos of myself---it just so happens on the day this all fell apart.  Also, he had my address, saw where I lived, read my writing, my books, saw my business going on, the articles I have written for major papers.  This is too too bad.  I was also a wonderful friend, guiding him through some dark times.  What was the scam?  During Covid?  I deeply regret what I did.  I wish I could tell him.

[Southern Cali Girl]

17 minutes ago, Betrayed&Stayed said:

1 - Given your misrepresentation of yourself - Looking back I wouldn't be able to trust or believe anything that transpired between us. After all, I've never met you in person. What is real and what is fake in our limited history? The line between truth and fiction is blurred beyond demarcation.

2 - Again, I would question the emotional and mental state of anyone who would do that. Why not just provide a picture?

I did in the end send a picture--on the day, ironically, that this all broke down.  He saw a kind of match.  I do feel very very bad.  When you say he could not trust what transpired between us that is terrible because it was on a political, philosophical, "ideological" level--I would say things about the state of current events and he would be pleasantly surprised.  Our obscure musical tastes were aligned and I would just say things that would hit home to him.   And I really did guide him through some dark times.  I truly truly regret what I did and wish I could somehow say something (I am blocked, obviously, everywhere).  I genuinely regret this, only meant the photos as a temporary placeholder (I know I know) and really do beg forgiveness.  Ironically, I am the real deal and I just made a very stupid mistake.

[Southern Cali Girl]

24 minutes ago, notbroken said:

I could never trust anyone ever again that sent me fake pictures and would consider everything about them likely fake - like I had been catfished.  That said, I wouldn't be in that position.  Texting, etc is not actually dating.  Nonverbal communication is just as important as verbal.  You aren't dating anyone until you spend time with them.   Period. Don't invest yourself so much into someone over the phone/texts/emails/etc.   Yes, I know there is a pandemic and that can definitely affect your ability to date someone in person, but don't get overly invested in any one you aren't one on one with.   You don't really know this person no matter how much text, etc you have passed back and forth.  Sorry, but that is the truth.    

Honesty is always the best policy.  Be honest with others and expect the same.  Anything less is an absolute deal breaker in either direction.   

I know.  I myself hate texting. We spoke everyday for at least an hour a day, sometimes more. He initiated all calls--not I.  I deeply deeply regret this.  We had plans to meet in January.

I deeply wish to express my regret to him but have been blocked everywhere.  

 

 

[introverted1]

I don't understand the concept of fake photos as placeholders. You've referred to them this way several times, but it doesn't make sense.

In any case, in addition to the points made by others -- catfishing and wondering if lying would be your default position when difficult subjects/issues come up --- I also wouldn't like what it says about your feelings about me.  By not being willing to show your "gent" what you really look like, you are indirectly saying that you don't trust him to accept you as you are.

All in all, there are too many blows here.

Edited December 15, 2020 by introverted1

[d0nnivain]

42 minutes ago, Southern Cali Girl said:

He brought up marriage, not I.  I in fact wanted to slow things down.

Then you dodged a bullet. Something is off about anyone who talks about marrying a stranger.  

[Ruby Slippers]

This whole situation sounds so messed up. Talking about marriage before you even meet? I also would lose all interest in anyone who sent fake pics. How in the world did you ever think that would be OK?

[Southern Cali Girl]

28 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

This whole situation sounds so messed up. Talking about marriage before you even meet? I also would lose all interest in anyone who sent fake pics. How in the world did you ever think that would be OK?

I know I know.  I thought they approximated me enough...It was a convoluted desire to impress, though I didn't have to do that.  I did send pictures of myself "In the end" (the morning of the afternoon things blew up), showing that I was like those photos.  I feel very very terrible and stupid.  I do not expect a resurgence of feeling on his part but I want to clear my name, to explain the motivation.  

[Southern Cali Girl]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

I don't understand the concept of fake photos as placeholders. You've referred to them this way several times, but it doesn't make sense.

In any case, in addition to the points made by others -- catfishing and wondering if lying would be your default position when difficult subjects/issues come up --- I also wouldn't like what it says about your feelings about me.  By not being willing to show your "gent" what you really look like, you are indirectly saying that you don't trust him to accept you as you are.

All in all, there are too many blows here.

I can't argue with you here.

 

[MsJayne]

I feel for you, but I'm shocked by what you did - what were you thinking??? 😬   You describe yourself as good-looking, so why would you do that?  If you were seriously overweight, or had a face full of scars, or a beard, some physical issue that you were embarrassed about, I could kind of understand, but just to send fake photos to someone you have a genuine attraction to......is just bizarre. He must be reeling as badly as you are, but for different reasons. 

[stillafool]

Some people, no matter what, cannot deal with lies and to lie about something as important as this is highly suspicious.  Regardless of what we think of this it's obvious it's a deal breaker for him.  

Edited December 15, 2020 by stillafool

[mark clemson]

I don't think it's particularly a male thing, I suspect a woman would have trust issues based on this as well.

Some people just can't get past something like this, so if that's him, well - you're stuck with it. In that case, best to face the situation, process your feelings and move on. Easier said than done of course, but we all have to deal with breakups.

[Weezy1973]

Just curious, how long had you been in this long distance relationship total? You mentioned it was long term, but from the way you’re talking it sounds like you were still in the early stages, I’d guess less than a year total? 
 

Also, this is basically the year of Zoom. At no point there was ever an opportunity for a video call? FaceTime? Skype?

 

The deception of the photos was a big problem, but for some men, if you actually were more attractive than what you represented they could overlook it. But in this case you chose a model.