An Act of Betrayal (Or a Stupid Mistake) and Regret: Male Perspective Desired

[Fletch Lives]

A person can only be attracted to you to the extent that you are honest. So a big lie before you have even met......it's understandably a deal breaker.

But also, you have not even met and don't know if you are attracted to each other yet. So this is not even worth talking about?

Catfish get what they deserve.

[Wiseman2]

You'll have much better results if you date locally and just be yourself.

Brush it off and move on.

[notbroken]

Forgive yourself.  You made a big mistake, but it won't help to dwell on it.  Just resolve to never do anything like that ever again and be honest in your relationships - then do it.  Obviously you are very remorseful.   It won't help to beat yourself up over it.   In the future, don't be so concerned with your looks that you can't send a real photo.  Send nothing, or send one of yourself.   I never understood fake photos honestly.  Eventually it is going to come out.    Don't confuse texts, phone calls, emails, etc with real dating.  It's not.  Something was up with that guy too.  Who talks about marriage seriously with someone they haven't met?   Definite set up for failure.  

[understand50]

Southern Cali Girl,

It is the lying.  You lied, early in your relationship, and not at a time where you have some glue to hold you together.  IE, kids, finances, sexual chemistry.  Yes this is a deal breaker.  As a man, I would start questing everything about you, and as he is a divorced man, you wonder what happened in his past that makes this hit so hard.  In any case, you need to block and move on.  It is over.

 

I wish you luck.

 

[Southern Cali Girl]

11 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Just curious, how long had you been in this long distance relationship total? You mentioned it was long term, but from the way you’re talking it sounds like you were still in the early stages, I’d guess less than a year total? 
 

Also, this is basically the year of Zoom. At no point there was ever an opportunity for a video call? FaceTime? Skype?

 

The deception of the photos was a big problem, but for some men, if you actually were more attractive than what you represented they could overlook it. But in this case you chose a model. 

Dear Weezy,

Thank you for a response. 

This grew slowly, off and on, from about March or April, then accelerated around October.  When I mentioned an obscure progressive rock reference, someone who happens to be his favorite musical artist,  we were off to the races.  The glue, if you will, became, to a large degree, the meeting of the minds. That grew and grew--politically, philosophically, and so on. It felt very very natural, as if we had known each other a long time. 

I agree with you about zoom and the like, it just felt all unnecessary.  What I wanted was just a meeting in person.  There is something about the energy and vitality of a live meeting that a photo cannot convey.

As for the model---once you are statuesque, tall, slender and have the right facial elements, I really believe "any" woman can "model".  Let us not forget how often those women, minus the professional photography, makeup and lighting, are still very very pretty but. In this case, it was a colossaly stupid move on my part just to represent a certain look.  I know it is an odd story, hence my coming to this forum.

I am sorry to sound obnoxious and it is not meant that way at all.  I deeply am sorry for what I did.  Thank you for your input

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 16, 2020 by Southern Cali Girl

[Southern Cali Girl]

8 hours ago, notbroken said:

Forgive yourself.  You made a big mistake, but it won't help to dwell on it.  Just resolve to never do anything like that ever again and be honest in your relationships - then do it.  Obviously you are very remorseful.   It won't help to beat yourself up over it.   In the future, don't be so concerned with your looks that you can't send a real photo.  Send nothing, or send one of yourself.   I never understood fake photos honestly.  Eventually it is going to come out.    Don't confuse texts, phone calls, emails, etc with real dating.  It's not.  Something was up with that guy too.  Who talks about marriage seriously with someone they haven't met?   Definite set up for failure.  

Thank you very kindly for taking the time to respond.  Much appreciated

[Southern Cali Girl]

7 hours ago, understand50 said:

Southern Cali Girl,

It is the lying.  You lied, early in your relationship, and not at a time where you have some glue to hold you together.  IE, kids, finances, sexual chemistry.  Yes this is a deal breaker.  As a man, I would start questing everything about you, and as he is a divorced man, you wonder what happened in his past that makes this hit so hard.  In any case, you need to block and move on.  It is over.

 

I wish you luck.

 

Thank you very much for taking the time to respond.

[Southern Cali Girl]

10 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

A person can only be attracted to you to the extent that you are honest. So a big lie before you have even met......it's understandably a deal breaker.

But also, you have not even met and don't know if you are attracted to each other yet. So this is not even worth talking about?

Catfish get what they deserve.

Yes, I would agree that to a great degree they do

[Lotsgoingon]

Doesn't matter how wonderful the conversations were---those were only distant conversations. BTW: all that texting and talking can be a colossal waste of time. Attraction still depends on seeing the real person, moving, talking, their hair, little dumb things, in person. So all of that talk and texting--while very romantic and cute--is no sub for the real thing, in person.

And yes, anyone with a modicum of confidence and sanity would cut you off. Person lies about how they look. Not just the picking a photo in which we are ten pounds lighter or looking great because of the light and our face on a particular date--no you flat-out actively, aggressively mislead him.

The problem is that your behavior screams desperation and immaturity and lack of confidence. You got so caught up in the feeling of these conversations that you basically lost touch with reality and kept going with fantasy--a pic of a model. Criteria #1 of dating: can I trust this person? You failed that, but look, you can learn from this experience and what you can learn is that you got some crazy fantasies and insecurities in your head--and you need to be aware of those so you can overcome them. 

But in your defense, I think many of us do some really stupid stuff in romance at some point. I remember going out on a date with a woman (met her online) and during the date I quickly concluded, "nope, she and I are too different. This won't work." And I couldn't stop my self: I still tried to kiss her. Totally dumb, totally inappropriate, totally disconnected from the energy of the date. It was like my brain got stuck in some formula, some programming, and that programming took control. 

So yes, we can do dumb stuff in dating, especially if we're really nervous and insecure or out of practice. 

But yeah, he had to cut you off. To trust you would be wildly reckless and dangerous. Doesn't matter that you look similar to the model. In fact, in some ways that's worse. If you look like the model, then why were you so insecure that you presented yourself as the model? Any guy is going to think, "well dang, she is really strange and insecure" because she's lying for no reason. 

We live and learn. Go back and review the moments you crossed over into some kind of deep, romance-induced intoxication, every bit as strong as drug intoxication. That mindset you were in--is part of the problem. You got totally lost in fantasy. 

 

 

[gaius]

99/100 times men who agree with you about everything are just gaming you. They're aware some women get turned on by the idea of a spiritual mirror image and use it to their advantage. At best he was outright lying and at worse he's so weak he has no real opinions of his own and just barfs out whatever he thinks other people want to hear. 

If he actually did feel some deep connection or attraction to you a fake picture might have thrown him for a loop but he would have still engaged with you at some point, to at least find out what you really look like. The fact he discarded you so easily means there was nothing real for him to begin with. Unfortunately. Count your blessings you got rid of him as soon as you did. 

[Southern Cali Girl]

On 12/15/2020 at 5:26 PM, MsJayne said:

I feel for you, but I'm shocked by what you did - what were you thinking??? 😬   You describe yourself as good-looking, so why would you do that?  If you were seriously overweight, or had a face full of scars, or a beard, some physical issue that you were embarrassed about, I could kind of understand, but just to send fake photos to someone you have a genuine attraction to......is just bizarre. He must be reeling as badly as you are, but for different reasons. 

I can't argue with you here.  It was just a thoughtlessness.  

[Southern Cali Girl]

24 minutes ago, gaius said:

99/100 times men who agree with you about everything are just gaming you. They're aware some women get turned on by the idea of a spiritual mirror image and use it to their advantage. At best he was outright lying and at worse he's so weak he has no real opinions of his own and just barfs out whatever he thinks other people want to hear. 

If he actually did feel some deep connection or attraction to you a fake picture might have thrown him for a loop but he would have still engaged with you at some point, to at least find out what you really look like. The fact he discarded you so easily means there was nothing real for him to begin with. Unfortunately. Count your blessings you got rid of him as soon as you did. 

This is an interesting perspective.  Thank you

[Southern Cali Girl]

4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Doesn't matter how wonderful the conversations were---those were only distant conversations. BTW: all that texting and talking can be a colossal waste of time. Attraction still depends on seeing the real person, moving, talking, their hair, little dumb things, in person. So all of that talk and texting--while very romantic and cute--is no sub for the real thing, in person.

And yes, anyone with a modicum of confidence and sanity would cut you off. Person lies about how they look. Not just the picking a photo in which we are ten pounds lighter or looking great because of the light and our face on a particular date--no you flat-out actively, aggressively mislead him.

The problem is that your behavior screams desperation and immaturity and lack of confidence. You got so caught up in the feeling of these conversations that you basically lost touch with reality and kept going with fantasy--a pic of a model. Criteria #1 of dating: can I trust this person? You failed that, but look, you can learn from this experience and what you can learn is that you got some crazy fantasies and insecurities in your head--and you need to be aware of those so you can overcome them. 

But in your defense, I think many of us do some really stupid stuff in romance at some point. I remember going out on a date with a woman (met her online) and during the date I quickly concluded, "nope, she and I are too different. This won't work." And I couldn't stop my self: I still tried to kiss her. Totally dumb, totally inappropriate, totally disconnected from the energy of the date. It was like my brain got stuck in some formula, some programming, and that programming took control. 

So yes, we can do dumb stuff in dating, especially if we're really nervous and insecure or out of practice. 

But yeah, he had to cut you off. To trust you would be wildly reckless and dangerous. Doesn't matter that you look similar to the model. In fact, in some ways that's worse. If you look like the model, then why were you so insecure that you presented yourself as the model? Any guy is going to think, "well dang, she is really strange and insecure" because she's lying for no reason. 

We live and learn. Go back and review the moments you crossed over into some kind of deep, romance-induced intoxication, every bit as strong as drug intoxication. That mindset you were in--is part of the problem. You got totally lost in fantasy. 

 

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply in depth.  Very much appreciated

[Trimmer]

Several times you've talked about the photos being place holders, or made a comment to the effect that you thought they were a close-enough representation.  The issue isn't "how close" the photos were (i.e. some kind of a sliding scale between OK and not OK), but the fact that they were a lie that he relied upon (i.e. open and shut, on or off, yes or no.)  I agree with those who suggest that once that lie was revealed, he became uncertain of what else was unreliable - maybe some things, maybe everything.  

You know that the photos were your only misrepresentation.  He has no such knowledge.  Once one trust is broken, how can any other be relied upon?  Especially if he allowed himself to be vulnerable, honest, trusting.  

Another interesting consideration:  he felt strongly enough about you to show your photos to a friend, which ultimately was how your lie was discovered.  So he had possibly/probably described you to one or more friends, perhaps glowingly.  If he was bringing up the marriage topic, he might have been really talking you up in a big way.  Maybe his friends were concerned that he was diving in so deep, so quickly, with someone he had never met, but he reassured them that this was the real thing.

Then, you were found out to be lying about your picture.  It doesn't matter how close they were - suddenly, his friends were right, and he looks like a catfished fool in front of them.  I'm not saying this was the only consideration, or even the dominant one, but he ended up looking like a humiliated fool in front of his friends, after showing you off and talking you up.  That adds even further to the injury on his part.

I'm being direct, but I don't intend this to be mean - I'm just trying to give you some perspective that it's not just one little thing - the "close enough" photos - that are his wounds.  It's the fact that the entirety of your relationship was thrown into doubt (you know it was real, but his faith in that was irreparably dashed) and the added humiliation, both within himself, and also in front of his friends.

[Lotsgoingon]

Here's the thing. You actually sound like a balanced and good person. But ... he doesn't know that. And the best way to be in dating is to react to the person's actions and to assume that some weird action is a sign of more weird actions to come. About 95 percent of the time, that philosophy pays off. Now in your case, it might well be that he could bond with you, but he can't know that now ... He has to pay attention to your actions, that you hid how you looked. 

BTW: one way out of this is to just show your photo early on ... Get that out of the way so you don't let your feelings get so far ahead of you. So if he doesn't like the way you look, you face that early on BEFORE you attach to him and have all the deep conversations. Because either he likes your looks or doesn't and holding off on sharing how you look doesn't really accomplish much, because rarely do we get so attached to someone in talking that how they look doesn't matter. 

In your defense, you are showing lots of confidence and openness to post about yourself so honestly here. And your responses here are very non-defensive. Great quality. Fantastic trait. That honesty and open mindedness is an asset. Claim that asset for yourself. Be proud of it. Keep that good quality in mind as you start to date and talk to others in the future. Having an open personality is a trait lots of folks are looking for. And one thing about looks is that if you are insecure about your looks, people pick that up. You sorta want to present yourself as being good with the way you look. That kind of energy is very attractive. It's not just "good looks" that are attractive. It's comfort with the way you look that is also attractive. Even a little faking it here is fine. 

A good attitude is to go into an encounter assuming you are good looking enough to attract someone. We don't want to enter any dating situation worrying about our looks. We look the best we can and show up and let go! 

Edited December 17, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[ExpatInItaly]

This is the problem with building glass castles in the sky.

You two don't really know each other on a fundamental level. You don't have the strong connection you both told yourselves you did, because you've never spent any time together in person. You might have clicked on some level, yes, but you have no  idea if you'd have chemistry in person or be able to tolerate each other day-to-day, when balancing daily life with a real relationship.

This is why honesty is of the utmost importance when you're trying to build a connection digitally, because he simply has no other frame of reference for you. When he realizes you haven't been honest, well, that tenuous virtual foundation caves in immediately. There's just nothing there to truly support it. 

You both got carried away here, and you both out the cart before the horse. Now you are seeing why that isn't smart, and isn't the foundation for a true relationship. Add dishonesty about your appearance, and it's very unlikely to be revived. But perhaps that's a good thing for you, too. Any guy who talks about marrying you without ever having met you isn't playing with a full deck, OP. 

[Weezy1973]

So to be blunt, this does sound to me like you tried to catfish him in a way. There are things here that don’t add up:

 

1. You characterize this as a long term relationship and it wasn’t. Only lasted 9 months. 
 

2. You didn’t want to video chat, and see his facial expressions etc. while communicating which seems counterintuitive. Wanting to meet in person is fine, but if that has to wait because of distance, why not do the next best thing? Unless you had a fear he wouldn’t find you attractive of course. And if you’re a modelesque beauty, even if you’re not photogenic per se, over video it would not be an issue. 
 

3. And obviously you were afraid he wouldn’t find you attractive as you used a fake photo and pretended it was you. 
 

So yeah, all these things point to you misrepresenting yourself. You really have to do some introspection as to why. 

[Annonymous1234]

On 12/15/2020 at 9:00 PM, Southern Cali Girl said:

I did in the end send photos of myself---it just so happens on the day this all fell apart.  Also, he had my address, saw where I lived, read my writing, my books, saw my business going on, the articles I have written for major papers.  This is too too bad.  I was also a wonderful friend, guiding him through some dark times.  What was the scam?  During Covid?  I deeply regret what I did.  I wish I could tell him.

I am puzzled as  to why this man, you communicated with for many months, would not have seen a photo of you on the dust jacket of the books he apparently read that you wrote, or even a head-shot of you in the articles you wrote for major newspapers. He will also have had your name. Even a quick google search of anyone who has even a small public profile would yield something. . . . I'm equally puzzled as to why there was no video chat during this time.

Edited December 17, 2020 by Selkie1111
typo

[notbroken]

Yet another example of how a video chat (zoom, etc) could have headed off problems.  Someone unwilling to do that and/or meet in person is likely a catfish - or one or both is living a fantasy.   Someone that says a band you mention 'is their favorite' may also be a catfish.  If you had mentioned 'Freddy Fin and the Fishsticks' that likely would have been his favorite instead.   I think he may have assumed the catfish was being catfished.  Just a lot of 'fishyness' going on here.   Date in real life.  Don't get hung up on text dates (which aren't real until you meet).   Don't waste so much time and emotional energy on someone you haven't met.   This is an issue that is now a huge problem.  So many people think they have boyfriends/girlfriends and have never actually met or even seen one another.   Just so much room for disappointment all the way around with that.   

 

[LynneVicious]

May I ask what your end game was? You sent a photo of a model that “represented” you - as a placeholder? Your plan was to meetin person next month, yes? So how would you possibly explain that it wasn’t you in the pics?? And no video calling? Something doesn’t make sense. 

Honestly, when people do this, the catfishing, there is always a reason. It’s always justified by the catfisher in some way, but if your goal is to meet and start a relationship, how could you expect a different outcome?

In my experience, if the catfish is not a financial scam, the idea is to get the person to like you enough, that when they see the “real you”,  they’ll be so in love with who you are on the inside that your looks don’t matter. That is a deeply flawed plan - which very rarely works out. There is a reason why people catfish. You have to find out why you did it. 

In his mind, he’s wasted 8 months of his time on someone. Now, he doesn’t believe anything you’ve told him. And rightly so. He’s 100% in blocking you on everything. I think you both dodged a bullet. This is now how you build a relationship properly. The whole thing is just a fantasy. He wasn’t your “beau” or boyfriend. You weren’t soulmates. The relationship was a texting fantasy. I think you need to dive into your reasons why you thought this was a relationship and why you were willing to invest that much time and energy into someone halfway across the world who you’ve never met. 

But reading how invested you were, with your descriptions and verbiage, is worrisome because to the unbiased reader, you made it out to seem like you were in a real relationship - I had to go back and read it twice. You even posted this under Marriage and Life Partnerships.  Fake picture aside, that is more concerning. There’s 7 billion people on the planet.  You sound like a lovely person. You can find someone real. 

[Allupinnit]

He may not have believed your real picture was you, either.  Or he took one look and thought you looked NOTHING like the model in the photo, despite what you think.  

Forming these superficial bonds long distance without knowing anything about the other person leaves you to fill in the holes with a fantasy rather than reality.  So what you *thought* was this incredible mental connection might have fallen completely flat in real life.  The harsh light of reality often tends to dissipate the magic you built up in your head.  You've never seen him under stress, how he deals with his family, if he has a temper, it's all an illusion.

You already know this but what you did was a dealbreaker.  I'm sorry, but be comforted that at least you didn't fly to meet him and have him reject you to your face.  That was the logical outcome if you actually had gone to see him.

[giotto]

well, silly mistake... I would ask to see your real photos and take it from there. Betrayal? We are all human and I'm the flexible type... 🙂

Edited December 24, 2020 by giotto