Narcissistic traits?

[Whaatamidoing]

I know there are a lot of people on here who think that getting out, going no contact , cutting them off, cutting them out is the best thing and I agree but I am stuck in that phase of ever so much wanting to change things but have not yet mustered up the courage to do it. I plan it in my mind, I say it out loud in the car but then when I see him, I get that stupid lust back and I find myself back in the affair bubble, until his phone rings and I can hear every word she says to him. So over 4 hours I have an hour of preparation which is a high, I then see him for a couple of hours which is an even higher feeling and then an hour of absolute low as I have to sit there and listen to them catch up on each others days.

One of the most difficult lies he tells I find is that he's had a great time with me, we laugh and joke and smile or so it seems until I hear him tell his wife what a rubbish day he has had. It really makes me question him as a person that those little lies are so easily told. Yet if I ask to see him on a weekend he cannot find a worthy enough excuse to be out of the house and looks at me as if lying is a sin. I know, warning signs he's married, therefore he must be a liar but I'm seeing more and more of how he keeps us both entertained and its making me feel sick. 

It feels a bit like we are in his life to serve, an example, he said to me he had a headache, I said theres tablets in the drawer, have you drunk enough and proceeded to get him a glass of water to take them. In the phone call to his wife he tells what a terrible day hes had and he has a headache, I can hear her saying have you drunk enough, do you think you might be dehydrated, do you feel well in yourself and my stomach was in knots listening to it. Is that not weird to have both the women in your life on that level? 

I thought, perhaps naively or wrongly that most men who have affairs are looking for something that's missing in their home/every day lives be that sex, intimacy, closeness with a partner etc etc but it seems that my MM has everything present at home, loving, caring wife- tick, big house- tick, money- tick, kids who dote on him- tick. I don't seem to bring anything to the party that he isn't already getting elsewhere. The more I hear about his home life because he doesn't even bother to try and keep it hidden from me is that everything is perfect, more than most people who would class themselves as in a happy relationship.

If we were discovered or whatever, why would you risk all that coming crashing down, is it really because you can and the buzz is getting away with it? Is it that he's a complete narcissist and feels everything should centre around him?

Anyone experiencing anything similar?

[SS2855]

I can’t relate to the particular behavior of him talking to his wife while he’s with you? It’s strange to me that he’d do that as most MM are trying to be as discreet as possible. I’m in the stage right now of trying to move on- only a couple weeks out but each day gets easier.  If u can’t go cold turkey why not try and start pulling away? In know not easy but a start. 

[Wiseman2]

Do you work together? If that's the case, he's hiding you under the radar of "just a co-worker".

It's not about armchair diagnosing him, it's about what do you want from this situationship?

It's up to you, not him, what you see your life unfolding like 

His life is clear. Married , pickett fence,etc. It's your life that you need to figure out.

Do you want what he has -a home life with someone to go home to?... or do you want to be a just hidden snack in his pantry?

 

Edited December 16, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Whaatamidoing]

@SS2855 I do find this weird, everything I have read is about MM being discreet. I cant work out if he is shoving it in my face to ensure he keeps me on my toes or he trusts me so much that he thinks it doesn't matter. We were friends for a time before we became involved so I wonder whether he forgets that I'm supposed to be more than a friend or he just sees me as a friend who he has sex with. I do try pulling away, that's when he becomes keen, he notices and is more attentive to me.

@Wiseman2 Always so wise. His life is clear you are right. He is having his cake and eating it. If its not me, I'm sure it will be someone else but I don't know how to deal with that.

[Fletch Lives]

Don't ever be the other woman. You are living a life of quiet desperation.

[VD01]

I think so too. I am in same situation as you where I want to move on and forget about him asap. But even after doing countless of NC, I still ended up talking to him and then go back to being happy and then sad, happy and sad.

He seems to still be in love with his wife and his wife seems to be a good person so yeah it makes you wonder what's wrong... 

I think they like hearing new praises. New reactions. 

[Whaatamidoing]

@VD01 I think so much of that is true in needing further praise. When we first got together it seemed like I was giving him something unique, it seems she stepped up her game and now I'm just feeling like what is the point.

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

@VD01  now I'm just feeling like what is the point.

Actually, this is a good thing. The realization that this is a no-win situation for you.

[pepperbird2]

Some people are super at compartmentalizing. They treat the people in their lives like "things"( for lack of a better word) they can use and enjoy and then when it's time to go home, they put that person in their little box on the shelf.
Does it feel like that to you? Like when he;s with you, he's with you, then when it's time to go home, he puts you in your little box, and takes down the "wife  and family" box.

If he is that kind, I don't know how you could ever trust him. He may not even feel that he's doing anything wrong. He's got two women feeding his ego, and in his mind, he may well feel full entitled to that because, after all, he's just that great. 🙄

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I’m just feeling like what is the point.

What is the point?

His wife is caring for him in the same way that you care for him. No doubt, he goes home to have sex with her after he has been with you. She has the comfort of his home, she cares for his children, they share the good and the bad... and you are left living a life of - quiet desperation. 

That breaks my heart. Why anyone would ever chose this for themselves is difficult to understand. NOTHING would be worth that kind of pain for me. He doesn’t even hide his family life from you... that shows such disrespect. 

I think the question you should be asking is not “is he a narcissist.” The better question is why do you allow this? What do you chose this for your life? And how do you find support such that you can actually follow-through and make a different decision for yourself...