Sissy1976 Posted December 15, 2020 Share Posted December 15, 2020 In process of break up that is fresh. I am trying to sort out everything. I had one counseling session and another coming up soon. I will be in counseling for a long time. My main goal is to sort out why I love too hard and stay too long in unhealthy relationships? 5-6 years of my life again wasted because I didn't leave after red flags. Messaging women privately on FB, finding profiles on both male and female dating sites, breakups that always include him having sex with other people. Verbal abuse telling me I'm fat, look like I'm pregnant, my hair is thinning, and that I am ugly. Then in the reverse telling me I'm beautiful and that he loves me. My head is spinning. Final breakup was recently, again infidelity - this time he as caught when I spontaneously showed up at his home and there was a woman inside. A few days later, he said I loved me ... we'll work it out. However, the freshness and reality of actually seeing him trying to get strange while he promised that he loved me and wanted only me ... that I could count on 100% trust were dirty words in my head. I tried to communicate about the WHY ... why would you do something like go after a woman and invite her into your home after having a weekend of fun and relaxation with me? The same Sunday he dropped me off he invited her over. The shock made me really think about how sick I must be and how sick HE must be. He said he wanted to see me but not ONLY me... an open relationship. He suggested we date other people BUT that he would see me sometimes also. The calls to him were horrible, begging, crying - he in turn hung up on me. I'd call back multiple times, finally he picked up and the process began again. He couldn't give me any answer other than now he didn't love me and maybe it was good that I found him with another woman. I am not an ignorant woman... however, the confusing of I love you, you can trust me... only to bring me down to a bottom pit of despair and hurt of "I don't love you" "go on with your life" "we should date other people" is hurting me. Maybe it's because I am not thinking clearly. I know in my heart he is no good and it is better for me that he is finally ignoring me. However, the hurt and rejection are still there... we had plans to build a home together... travel, etc. My head hurts from over- thinking. We now have a no contact/no communication because I finally get it. The bottom line is he doesn't want to be with me and I need to understand that when someone loves you really... they don't hurt you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sissy1976 Posted December 15, 2020 Author Share Posted December 15, 2020 Addendum: The coldness he is showing me is unbearable. In a million years I would never have thought he could be so cold. No empathy, no kindness. Am I seeing the real person finally now ? Link to post Share on other sites
tiger111672 Posted December 15, 2020 Share Posted December 15, 2020 (edited) Dear Sissy, I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through. I can assure you that the man you’ve described in your post is not worth another second of your time. You deserve better than the treatment you have described. I’d like to share a few details of my recent relationship with you. I hope that it will encourage you to see that you can find someone who will treat you with respect and affection, regardless of whether the relationship ultimately works or doesn’t (my relationship unfortunately did not work). I recently broke up with my girlfriend (over a month and a half ago). The relationship was a disaster and I bear much of the responsibility for that but there are two things I’d like to say that I never did and have never done in any relationship, so that you realize there are men different from your ex-boyfriend: 1) I never cheated on my girlfriend; 2) I never told my girlfriend anything other than that she was beautiful. Even if there were moments when she did not look her best, I would never tell her that she was ugly (she always looked beautiful to me, for what it’s worth, even though she has some wrinkles here and there). It’s unthinkable to me that I would say things to someone like, “You’re fat, your hair is thinning, you look like you’re pregnant, etc.” This is cruel and disgusting. No one deserves to have these kinds of things said to them. I repeat. No one. I got angry with my girlfriend a lot. Sometimes I was pretty judgmental towards her for things she did that I didn’t like (these things were mostly petty and I felt ashamed in the moment for how I dwelled on them). Sometimes I didn’t like her very much (although overall I genuinely liked her and still do). Not because I ever thought she was a bad person. Actually, she is a really good person. But I never tried to put her down for anything: not for her appearance, her personality, her interests, her friends, her family, her exes, not anything. That to me is out of bounds and despicable behavior. I realize that sometimes people cheat on their partners. Personally, I don’t know how people do this because I’d be racked with guilt and feelings of self-loathing if I ever cheated on someone. Still, while it’s a terrible thing to do to someone, it’s human and people who are genuinely remorseful deserve second chances. However, while none of us are angels, it’s unthinkable to me that someone would drop their partner off and then immediately invite another woman over. To do something as callous as this and then to turn it around on you, saying he wants an open relationship, “you should just get over it”, and he doesn’t love you, after telling you he loves you and doesn’t want anyone else? I don’t say this lightly but the guy sounds like a total scum bag. If you want an open relationship, you tell someone and make sure they’re ok with it before you go and sleep with someone else. You don’t get caught red-handed and then say you want an open-relationship. That’s just a crock of sh*t. So, you did the right thing to go no-contact with this person. Kick his ass to the curb and don’t look back. I know it’s hard when you are feeling hurt and lonely. Issues of self-esteem and shame haunt us, usually from childhood wounds we’ve been running from ever since. How could we have been so blind? Why do we make the same poor choices over and over? Why do people do such awful things? The universe seems like a very unfair place. I’m wrestling with these questions myself right now. I know it’s not easy and it’s hard to be a friend to ourselves. Especially when others treat us poorly. But we deserve better. I think we have to at least entertain the possibility that we deserve better than what we’ve gotten up to this point and we have to start by giving that to ourselves and demanding it from others. If they don’t want to comply, they have no place in our lives. It’s hard to do when we’re used to being grateful for whatever crumbs we get. We have to start somewhere. I hope these words help a little. Even though I haven’t been through exactly what you’re going through, I know how painful breakups are. Edited December 15, 2020 by tiger111672 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sissy1976 Posted December 15, 2020 Author Share Posted December 15, 2020 Your words are just what I need... after 2 days of insane phone and texting, him hanging up.. then finally picking up after he made me go into a frenzy of emotions... after texting me that everything was my fault, I caused him to want to be with other women... never answering me definitively whether or not he wanted to work on us again... (as if I were the perp and he were the victim)... his phone contact with me was always... "you started this"... nothing made sense. Bottom line is he didn't love me ENOUGH... and he wanted out but didn't want to feel guilty about a breakup. Maybe he wanted me to find him with another woman... maybe he wanted ME to break up and go away. He would always tell me ... if you don't like the things I say or do and can't get over anything (like him being on a Bisexual site, taking his phone with him to the bathroom late at night) or always having it on silent... JUST GO AWAY. This is right before Christmas however, I guess that really doesn't mean anything. We honestly were good friends, enjoyed going to concerts, eating out, gambling at casino, just sitting around watching movies... it honestly was very normal (maybe because I settled for his lies and forgave him always). I can't wait until my next counseling session Thursday. Thank you again for your kind reply... I needed that comfort. Link to post Share on other sites
tiger111672 Posted December 15, 2020 Share Posted December 15, 2020 (edited) I’m so glad it helped. i just want to say a couple of more things in response to what you’ve just said: We don’t “cause” other people to do things. They do whatever they do because that’s what they choose. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done on your side (we all bear responsibility for our relationships, although we’re not responsible for other people’s behavior). You’re not responsible for his behavior. His behavior is unacceptable. Any reasonable person from the outside who heard your story would think this. I know from the inside, it’s difficult: you had good times, it seemed fine a lot of the time. But the behaviors he’s exhibiting now are just beyond the pale. Unless he were to express serious remorse for his behavior and back it up with an action like getting himself into counseling (and possibly a 12-step group for possible sex addiction), I wouldn’t even entertain the possibility of giving him another chance. Even then, I don’t think he deserves another chance after how you say he’s treated you. At his core, he may be a good person but what he says and does define his character and who he has chosen to be up to this point. Any time you’re wavering, come and read these words and reach out for support. Get an outside perspective from voices of sanity and reason so that you can steady yourself. You deserve better! Edited December 15, 2020 by tiger111672 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sissy1976 Posted December 15, 2020 Author Share Posted December 15, 2020 Thank you so very very much. I appreciate every comment. There is no excuse for his behavior. I'm thinking he escalated the cold behavior and need to not make amends ... push for dating other people because he's already moved on... if I found him with ONE woman... he's probably already dating and searching... on the prowl. I finally get it... but it still hurts badly. I guess when people really move on and don't really love you ... this is what they do. Thanks again Tiger. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sissy1976 Posted January 2, 2021 Author Share Posted January 2, 2021 I finally did it... I stopped the humiliation... calling him, asking why he never contacted me, called me. 6 days ago he said he loved me... last phone call he said I was pitiful and he felt sorry for me. that did it. Blocked him everywhere and deleted his phone number. I will no longer know he exists. No contact... ever. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 On 12/15/2020 at 10:45 AM, Sissy1976 said: Addendum: The coldness he is showing me is unbearable. In a million years I would never have thought he could be so cold. No empathy, no kindness. Am I seeing the real person finally now ? You're seeing how far into the dark side his balance swings him. It was always there, he just never let you see how wide the arc was. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 21 minutes ago, Sissy1976 said: I finally did it... I stopped the humiliation... calling him, asking why he never contacted me, called me. 6 days ago he said he loved me... last phone call he said I was pitiful and he felt sorry for me. that did it. Blocked him everywhere and deleted his phone number. I will no longer know he exists. No contact... ever. Everyone has their "bottom of the pit". This is yours. The way out is up, which is far preferable to being on the way down. Stick with the therapy. Your ground is fertile now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Commongoal123 Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 (edited) Hey OP.... Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see if it resonates with you. Also... HE is sick. You are not. If anything you are like the rest of us; wanting connection and relationship. Don't talk to yourself in similar ways that he has talked to you. I am sorry this is happening in your life. Just remember that he is the one who is messed up. Not you. You'll be okay and one day you will look back at this and see how much you have grown and how much you have learned. And best of all you'll find yourself so happy over the fact that he is not in your life anymore. Block him and dissappear from his life. Don't fall for any "hoovering" on his part (look that term up). Edited January 4, 2021 by Commongoal123 Clarity 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 On 1/2/2021 at 2:29 PM, Sissy1976 said: . Blocked him everywhere and deleted his phone number. I will no longer know he exists. No contact... ever. Excellent. Now forget he ever existed and happily move forward with peace and freedom. Soon you'll feel ready to date and it will go a lot better than this, since you now know what red flags to look for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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