going on a break to Reevaluate

[lovesflame]

ExpatINItay

I also believed that as well. because I thought she was the one still stuck and unhealed from his disgusting, sick abuse. It was truly disturbing. I think she was far from healed from it. at all.

It was not right that I told her she was lying that was wrong of me, and I apologized and feel shameful for what I did.

I know one thing is that she wanted her own space to be able to smoke a lot more weed and not be bothered.

Edited December 29, 2020 by lovesflame

[Acacia98]

No idea if there's another guy involved.

But your description of her reminds me of someone I know who has borderline traits. The person oscillates between wanting to be very close and intimate with her SO and pushing him away because she needs space. When he pulls away, she wants to be with him. When he tries to get closer to her, she pushes him away. It's very exhausting to watch. Must be much more exhausting to live through.

Setting that aside, I think you introduced her to your daughter too soon. And I think she started sleeping over and ultimately moved in too soon. This is way too much instability to be exposing a kid to (I'm assuming your daughter is a kid; maybe I'm wrong?). How's your daughter coping with all of these ups and downs and presences and absences?

I think the break is a good idea. I think breaking up would be an even better idea. You both have too much going on that you need to deal with first. 

[lovesflame]

Well, this is the

28 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

 

But your description of her reminds me of someone I know who has borderline traits. The person oscillates between wanting to be very close and intimate with her SO and pushing him away because she needs space. When he pulls away, she wants to be with him. When he tries to get closer to her, she pushes him away. It's very exhausting to watch. Must be much more exhausting to live through.

Setting that aside, I think you introduced her to your daughter too soon. And I think she started sleeping over and ultimately moved in too soon. This is way too much instability to be exposing a kid to (I'm assuming your daughter is a kid; maybe I'm wrong?). How's your daughter coping with all of these ups and downs and presences and absences?

 

I think there are some traits there especially because she would go from saying I was the perfect guy to being disgusted by me. Also, she had some other traits that BPD women typically have :history of eating disorders, suicide attempts, drug use, disassociation, etc.

Maybe she had fear of engulfment with me. But neither me nor you is a psychologist and hasn't diagnosed her and she had lots of therapy and wasn't diagnosed, but I agree with you that it sounds like that. She would say to me (it became another inside joke) "love the babe, hate the babe!"

Honestly, she's proabably not entirealy BPD but this scary thought did cross my mind. I feel kind of guilty saying this here, but it's a safe place.

As for my daughter, this is the hardest part. She was so involved in my daughter's life- went to talk to her teachers, went to talk to the school counselor, found me a tutor for her, did her homework with her, etc.

But then after my daughter got mad at her, she started telling me "I can't care more about your daughter than you do!"

I have been a single dad almost her entire life. I feel bad for these choices. and she only moved in because of her home being robbed and then COVID hit.

I don't think we need to play out these dynamics again. It hurts me a lot for now, but I want to start over healthy. Honestly, I am not wanting to accept that it is all on her, because I could've been much more secure or confidant. but her push and pull away left me confused and hurt me very much. because sometimes she wouldn't want to have sex for like two weeks and that's when I started getting bent out of shape.

 

Edited December 29, 2020 by lovesflame

[Acacia98]

7 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

Well, this is the

I think there are some traits there especially because she would go from saying I was the perfect guy to being disgusted by me. Also, she had some other traits that BPD women typically have :history of eating disorders, suicide attempts, drug use, disassociation, etc.

Maybe she had fear of engulfment with me. But neither me nor you is a psychologist and hasn't diagnosed her and she had lots of therapy and wasn't diagnosed, but I agree with you that it sounds like that. She would say to me (it became another inside joke) "love the babe, hate the babe!"

Honestly, she's proabably not entirealy BPD but this scary thought did cross my mind. I feel kind of guilty saying this here, but it's a safe place.

As for my daughter, this is the hardest part. She was so involved in my daughter's life- went to talk to her teachers, went to talk to the school counselor, found me a tutor for her, did her homework with her, etc.

But then after my daughter got mad at her, she started telling me "I can't care more about your daughter than you do!"

I have been a single dad almost her entire life. I feel bad for these choices. and she only moved in because of her home being robbed and then COVID hit.

I don't think we need to play out these dynamics again. It hurts me a lot for now, but I want to start over healthy. Honestly, I am not wanting to accept that it is all on her, because I could've been much more secure or confidant. but her push and pull away left me confused and hurt me very much. because sometimes she wouldn't want to have sex for like two weeks and that's when I started getting bent out of shape.

Maybe if I pull away totally, she will come back?

Honestly, I am worried maybe she is BPD. either way I am super sad like unbelievably sad.

It's definitely not all on her. You both have stuff to work on, and it's great that you are aware of it and acknowledge it. I have no idea whether she actually has BPD. But the behavior is certainly familiar.

Maybe if you pull away totally she will come back. But do you want to spend your life distancing yourself from her so that she can stay by your side? At what point will it ever be okay for you to show her your love? Can you actually live like that?

It is sad. 

[ExpatInItaly]

This all just sounds quite dysfunctional, OP. 

 

[lovesflame]

I want to tell you it was not dysfunctional to begin with. because I truly felt like wow! she's my favorite person to talk to. I really like her intelligence and humor and wisdom, and I her love was more than I have even come close to recieving.

I messed it all up by being insecure.

[Emilie Jolie]

I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but there seems to be a lot of love between the two of you so maybe it's really just a case of learning how each other works in terms of communication?

Are you planning on using this time-out wisely and actively make an effort to understand each other better?

I don't know anyone that hasn't been affected by the current circumstances one way or the other tbf (I've found myself to be over reacting to trivial stuff and crying for no apparent reason when this is absolutely not my normal self) - sounds like you both have been affected by this too. 

Are you going to do your part in the next 30 days to work on your insecurities? 

Edited December 29, 2020 by Emilie Jolie
Spelling

[lovesflame]

3 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but there seems to be a lot of love between the two of you so maybe it's really just a case of learning how each other works in terms of communication?

 

See, I figured it all out as soon as she said to break up. I realized she needs space and I'm needy. Well, I am working on myself instead because some of these needs are other things and not her. So far in the last week I have: reconciled with my mother, cut my toxic sister out of my life, going to family therapy with my daughter, and I may do a self-love course.

I told her that I don't need to be clingy and we could do the relationship like we did the week she was moving her things and she told me (that day) "I just don't know if you've truly changed or this is just for  a week."

I know she truly does love me and I love her even if we were just friends I would be fine. this isn't about sex to me or having someone cook with me. It's that she's someone I truly love as a person insecurities and all.

I was so affected because she got so freaked out by me being so sick with COVID and I still am getting better like I get tired very easily.

I want to use the time-off to work on myself and also I understand her better now. I mean I feel like maybe I shouldn't have had some text conversations with her, but I can just start tomorrow of not contacting her. I am so willing to just start over fresh.

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

I want to tell you it was not dysfunctional to begin with. because I truly felt like wow! she's my favorite person to talk to. I really like her intelligence and humor and wisdom, and I her love was more than I have even come close to recieving.

I messed it all up by being insecure.

What about her moving in so quickly, and so thoroughly integrating herself in your child's life? The crying jags about other men? This is what I mean by dysfunctional. Those are not the moves of mature, emotionally-healthy adults. 

You didn't mess it all up by being insecure. That didn't help, of course, but there are some questionable things about her, too. Or do you not want to see that? 

[Emilie Jolie]

3 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

So far in the last week I have: reconciled with my mother, cut my toxic sister out of my life, going to family therapy with my daughter, and I may do a self-love course.

Wow, you've had a busy week! 

Honestly, I think whatever you are trying to do to make it work is totally worth it, regardless of what happens in 30 days - if only for your own sake. It's good to know you've done whatever you can to salvage it, but mostly that you're actively dealing with your own issues.

She'll get the space she needs to find her feet and do whatever she needs to do to readjust, or maybe she won't - who knows.

As long as you know you can leave if things don't go the way they should, ie ultimately less dysfunction on both sides. She needs to do her part too or it will go back to how it's been the last few months.

(Hope you're feeling better btw 🙂).

[lovesflame]

I can't blame myself entirely- I see it- I still love her anyways and care about her. she also is a great person even though she has wounds, too. I think maybe I rushed too fast and that wasn't the best decisions but I thought it was different this time. Perhaps space and starting over is the best bet. I won't give up.

 

[lovesflame]

2 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Wow, you've had a busy week! 

Honestly, I think whatever you are trying to do to make it work is totally worth it, regardless of what happens in 30 days - if only for your own sake. It's good to know you've done whatever you can to salvage it, but mostly that you're actively dealing with your own issues.

She'll get the space she needs to find her feet and do whatever she needs to do to readjust, or maybe she won't - who knows.

As long as you know you can leave if things don't go the way they should, ie ultimately less dysfunction on both sides. She needs to do her part too or it will go back to how it's been the last few months.

(Hope you're feeling better btw 🙂).

Thank you I feel better because I needed to let the therapist know about my daughter and I relationship and now I can do so much with my daughter this week.

well, I have had time off from work so I had time lol. I think she wants to go along with something healthier and it's up to me to lead the way. I think that me trying to make her not move out was the biggest problem. She needs her space that's her survival tactic from her childhood and I can't take that away from her.

I am willing to tell her all these things after a few more weeks and say "let's just take it slow this time."

[Emilie Jolie]

3 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

She needs her space that's her survival tactic from her childhood and I can't take that away from her.

I'm the same. I totally need a lot of space so I completely relate to her in that regard. I've actually broken up with someone recently because he wouldn't give me the space I need.

 

6 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

I am willing to tell her all these things after a few more weeks and say "let's just take it slow this time.

Sounds good. Hope she feels the same way you do come crunch time 🙂.

But hey, keep in mind there's a chance it might not work too. Keep hopeful but cautious.

 

[lovesflame]

well, maybe he didn't understand the need. I learned my mistake it's all about putting yourself in the other person's shoes even if you dont quite relate. I know I am a good man and I don't care about the other women who want to date me, because once you've found someone who you feel is your best friend on earth- what else could compare?

thanks for saying that. I think all I can do is tell her my actions speak louder than words and I am here for her going forward to a new future.

[ExpatInItaly]

39 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

I can't blame myself entirely- I see it- I still love her anyways and care about her. she also is a great person even though she has wounds, too. 

That's good. It is definitely not all on you. 

I see you doing a lot to try to improve yourself, which is commendable. The question is, is she doing the same to address her own issues? 

[lovesflame]

42 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 The question is, is she doing the same to address her own issues? 

I hope so. I don't really know what she is doing. I hope she's not just saying she's happy now that she's away from my home. But if that's the case, more power to her.

I know nobody knows but it seems to me and others that she will be back after the 30 days. I really just think everything would be fine if we weren't living together. I am astonished it went this way to be honest. I knew she was going to move out but she said it would just strengthen everything. Anyways, I will just not text her about anything again it's been one week and we spoke every day. Now, I think at least a few weeks break. Honestly, I don't know what's going to happen

[lovesflame]

On 12/29/2020 at 10:39 AM, Emilie Jolie said:

I'm the same. I totally need a lot of space so I completely relate to her in that regard. I've actually broken up with someone recently because he wouldn't give me the space I need.

 

So tonight she came by to drop off some gifts that someone gave her for me and give me a gift as well.

 I had her gift too.

then we sat down and started talking about what’s new and going on and she was happy I was doing positive things in my life . 
then she was telling me how happy she was to finally work on herself and go to the gym again and really work on herself .

she said that is what she believes went wrong that I tried to solve her problems but she needed to work on herself and help herself. I said that I totally agreed and I needed to listen to her better she said that it was on her too and she made mistakes  and didn’t listen to me either .

finally I tell her does she still want this break and is it benefiting her and she says yes and that we will talk after it’s through. 
I am happy I refrained from trying to seek any reassurance or anything that was a big improvement in myself .

finally I hug her and she holds me and I tell her I am glad we are friends and that I never want to lose her friendship as she means so much to me.

then she stops and says I look sad in my eyes and then she pauses and says I love you . 
I told her the same ...

 

so twenty days more here I come .

 I feel like I can only hope for the best and I’m thanks for everyone who talks to me here .

 I wonder what she’s going to do but I think only time will tell 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/29/2020 at 11:31 AM, lovesflame said:

I know one thing is that she wanted her own space to be able to smoke a lot more weed and not be bothered.

Ok, this is a case of too much too soon. Now she's backpedaling into her own world and space again.

No matter how amicable this breakup is, it's a breakup.

There's really no such thing as breaks. She's tiptoeing out of this in a nonconfrontational manner. 

She's setting the table for the friendzone. Try not to count the days left on this "space/break" timeline.

Prepare for it to end slowly and insidiously. Even though, that isn't always the best way for you to go about this.

[Emilie Jolie]

10 hours ago, lovesflame said:

she said that is what she believes went wrong that I tried to solve her problems but she needed to work on herself and help herself. I said that I totally agreed and I needed to listen to her better she said that it was on her too and she made mistakes  and didn’t listen to me either .

That's progress. It's good you get to speak one on one openly without conflict, and acknowledge your own mistakes.

Hope you find your way to each other - if not, you'll have gained a lot about yourself in those few days, gotten closer to your mother and your daughter, and learned to get a hold of your anxiety.

Focus on the positive always 🙂

[lovesflame]

31 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

 

Hope you find your way to each other - if not, you'll have gained a lot about yourself in those few days, gotten closer to your mother and your daughter, and learned to get a hold of your anxiety.

Focus on the positive always 🙂

Thank you so much . Yes lots of positives.

 

 I was very sad about it last night and my dad said it seemed positive to him too.

 I told her I’m her friend regardless but the point is I just wonder what she will say after this break. I believe we have so much good that it’s worth another chance .

she seemed happy with losing weight and fixing her hair and so on .

 I really am just so sad today and idk why

[Emilie Jolie]

1 minute ago, lovesflame said:

Thank you so much . Yes lots of positives.

 

 I was very sad about it last night and my dad said it seemed positive to him too.

 I told her I’m her friend regardless but the point is I just wonder what she will say after this break. I believe we have so much good that it’s worth another chance .

she seemed happy with losing weight and fixing her hair and so on .

 I really am just so sad today and idk why

Well, she needs to do what she needs to do to look after herself, whether it be fixing her hair, smoking pot, losing weight, going to the gym, being on her own, etc. You also need to do what is right for you.

Re the bolded: if you're still intent on working on your anxiety, you need to stop thinking about it altogether. It's out of your hands anyway, right? You'll both be fine regardless.

Do you have things to occupy your mind? Can you get involved in a side project to keep your thoughts from wandering back to her?

 

[lovesflame]

4 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

 

Do you have things to occupy your mind? Can you get involved in a side project to keep your thoughts from wandering back to her?

 

I have to try . At least I will be back at work soon . 
I can work on my writings and my book .

the anxiety is doing nothing to help me.

 

 I have to wait it out regardless .

 

 I think honestly taking a step back it looks like there’s a good chance for her and I 

 

[Emilie Jolie]

1 minute ago, lovesflame said:

I have to try . At least I will be back at work soon . 
I can work on my writings and my book .

the anxiety is doing nothing to help me.

 

 I have to wait it out regardless .

 

 I think honestly taking a step back it looks like there’s a good chance for her and I 

 

Good for you, OP! Writing a book sounds great.

As for you and her, like in most things it's a 50/50 chance, isn't it.

I think focusing on your writing is a great idea. What other things have you got planned for the next few weeks?

 

 

[lovesflame]

15 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

 

I think focusing on your writing is a great idea. What other things have you got planned for the next few weeks?

 

 

I start work again which I’m dreading lol

i have an open mic to attend and hopefully help my daughter in her therapy.

 I made some personal therapy goals.

 I am not going to have sex with any other woman.

 I may go clothes shopping .

 I can do better at work but it’s annoying on zoom.

 I really appreciate you.

 

[Emilie Jolie]

Also starting back at work tomorrow and dreading it - zoom is awful, right? I don't know what an open mic is but that sounds fun either way. 

Therapy goals with you and your daughter are such good steps forward!!

16 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

I am not going to have sex with any other woman.

A bit drastic but fair enough. Your body, your choice as they say.

17 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

I may go clothes shopping

Good plan. Anything to take your mind off (plus it's the sales atm).

 

18 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

I really appreciate you.

Thank you, I guess? 

Sounds like you have a busy few weeks ahead of you - that's great! 

Keeping fingers crossed for you, @lovesflame🙂.