going on a break to Reevaluate

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Marc878 said:

If you look back you’ll probably see this was planned out by her. Dumpers try and let you down easy then the let’s be “friends” thing to alleviate their guilt. That’s all for them not you.

All of this, especially the bolded. 

I don't believe for a moment that she suddenly wanted space and conveniently moved across the country so soon after. The timing is just too coincidental. I still don't think you're getting the whole story from her, OP, and you probably never will. 

I am sorry you're struggling so much. In time, you will see that she wasn't as wonderful as you're claiming. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, lovesflame said:

She moved away-driving all the way across the country. 

Sad ending but good. Now let go.

No one packs up all thier stuff and moves across the country unless they are 100% done.

It's amicable and bittersweet but accept that it's over, not a "break".

[josedelamuerte]

On 1/27/2021 at 12:07 AM, lovesflame said:

I wonder how confused and lost I would be if I truly blocked her and never spoke to her .

that would’ve been immature anyways .

I think blocking someone who's not downright pestering you is taking things a bit far, but there's nothing immature about keeping communication to a minimum while you heal and move on.

Also "never" talking to her is excessive, but "as long as it takes" to get her out of your system is super mature. It means that you are aware of our very human tendency to become attached, and you choose recovery instead of dwelling on the past.

Good luck, be strong.

[lovesflame]

Update: in the last month, I am here for some more support, because I am in a very vulnerable and hurt space right now, please support LS.

   we spoke a few times,  and she was getting settled in her new life across the country in the Midwest. She even called me once and told me I have been in her thoughts and that I am on her mind from time to time. 

I still have a plane voucher that I must use very soon, so I was planning on asking her if she would like me to visit over Spring break. So, it is the weekend and I am going on venmo then I see she has blocked me on venmo, so I use another account and I see on the page that her ex from over five years ago who lives out there where she moved to has sent her money. 

I call her as I am freaking out. At first, we have some small talk, then I tell her about the plane ticket and ask if she would like me to come visit and she says no she does not want me to get my hopes up that we would ever get back together.  She tells me how she was not happy with who she was becoming and did not want to be with me that she wants to move on with her life.  I ask her did she go out there to reunite with the ex from long ago (who left her for another woman) and she tells me she hasn't spoke to him in years, so I say I saw the venmo transaction. she is irritated that I was spying on her but she says no that he has nothing to do with it that she owes me no explanation and that she broke up with me because of not wanting to be with me. She told me I can find someone else to share what I liked with our relationship, but I tell her no there's no one to replace her. 

 she then tells me that yes she does love me and care about me., but that I need to move on and live my own life without her and that we should not speak 

I see later that night she has now blocked me on social media. I leave her a voice mail saying I am letting go and I hope she finds happiness. 

Yet again, I am filled with endless sorrow. Most of my days are ruminating. I am proud I finally cleaned the bathroom as it has been months. I sleep and think of the love I once had. the person I loved most ever in this world. 

 

[flitzanu]

well, you were seeking an "ending" to the story, and hopefully you have it now.  please stop checking on her social media and contacting her and calling her about blocking you, it sounds like she is one step away from completely lashing out if you keep up this behavior.  

it's tough, i know.  we've been there.  you need to remove all reminders of her and close that chapter, my dude.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, flitzanu said:

well, you were seeking an "ending" to the story, and hopefully you have it now. 

I was going to write the same thing. 

Now you can and should cut contact with her, OP. Only then will you actually begin to heal and move forward. 

[lovesflame]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

Now you can and should cut contact with her, OP. Only then will you actually begin to heal and move forward. 

Do you think I will ever heal ?

maybe being friend made it harder for me she said it’s too hard for me so she’s letting me go.

 

also does it even make a difference what she is or is not involved with her old time ex out there ?

[Gaeta]

Of course you will heal, we all do. 

No it doesn't make a difference if she's with someone else or with an ex. Your time with her is over and now you have to delete everything of her, let yourself be sad for a while and then pick yourself up and look toward future. 

[lovesflame]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

 let yourself be sad for a while and then pick yourself up and look toward future. 

Thanks for your kind words..

 I know this is an odd question but if she gets back with her ex from five years ago (hypothetically) why couldn’t I? 
 

 

many people come here and they don’t get their ex back but like clearly it is common in life ... isn’t life silly?

i wonder if life perhaps  didn’t work out for me to have love maybe I will look forward to other things  but I don’t think love like what We had will come with another person 

perhaps I just accept it that I had love for when I had it and now I live the rest of my life hopefully about 50 more years without love .

do you think it’s possible for love like that to happen again for me ?

she kept saying I can and I have so much to offer and I could find someone better.

 

am I loveable? Will I ever find love again ?

 If I don’t that’s ok, too

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

 I know this is an odd question but if she gets back with her ex from five years ago (hypothetically) why couldn’t I? 
many people come here and they don’t get their ex back but like clearly it is common in life ... isn’t life silly?

i wonder if life perhaps  didn’t work out for me to have love maybe I will look forward to other things  but I don’t think love like what We had will come with another person 

perhaps I just accept it that I had love for when I had it and now I live the rest of my life hopefully about 50 more years without love .

do you think it’s possible for love like that to happen again for me ?

I doubt her ex waited for her for 5 years. He moved on and life had them reconnect later in life. You have no choice but to move on as well and maybe life will have you reconnect later in life in 5 years, 10 years or 20 years but because you don't know if this will happen you need to move on. 

The love you had with her was unique so no, you will not relive it with someone else BUT you will have other love that will feel BETTER because in life we usually always move on to someone or something better. 

You will have several love in your life and all of them will be special and unique and eventually you will meet your someone you'll be with for the rest of your life. 

Look around, people separate, married couples divorce, they move on, find love again, and continue to love and be happy. 

[lovesflame]

35 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

 

You will have several love in your life and all of them will be special and unique and eventually you will meet your someone you'll be with for the rest of your life. 

Thank you for your inspiring hope filled words .

 I mean he left her for another woman and had a baby and married so he wasn’t waiting lol

i don’t actually know if they’re together she says no but talking with you it makes zero difference .

 I have to at least attempt to live my life without her . She’s been gone for about a month almost two 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, lovesflame said:

 I have to at least attempt to live my life without her . She’s been gone for about a month almost two 

It's hard at first but when you hit 3 months it will get better and you'll be able to laugh again. 

I am 3,5 months out of a 5 year relationship. I have all the same thoughts as you and when they cross my mind I chase them away with thoughts of future, that I'll meet a good man, better than my ex and I'll experience love again 🙂

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, lovesflame said:

perhaps I just accept it that I had love for when I had it and now I live the rest of my life hopefully about 50 more years without love .

Why would that be your fate?

The relationship you had with this woman was not particularly healthy. You're hurting a lot now but you've erroneously placed on a pedestal here. She isn't as wondeful and rare as you think she is. How could she be when she first requested space, and then waddaya know, she's back in the same area as her ex and obviously in contact him?

In time, you will see that she wasn't the great love of your life. She was pulling some shady crap at the end there, even if you don't quite see it yet. 

[lovesflame]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

?

In time, you will see that she wasn't the great love of your life. She was pulling some shady crap at the end there, even if you don't quite see it yet. 

ExpatinItaly, thank you for all the replies to me these last few months. I appreciate you.

I think at the end there were other shady things for sure.  I wanted honesty it doesn't make it worse if she's reunited with, because either way she's gone. Honestly, if she's happy with him than I am not to judge just tell me either way. (maybe she thought it would hurt me) 

Do you think when I saw him send money that it was a really bad choice that I asked her about it? 

(I wonder why she kept picking up my calls smh )

She told me she did not like who she was becoming when we were together- being so sad. I really think that is unfair, because I only was there for her and was caring and loving and she knew that and told me so.

I feel like blaming me in any way for depression is hurtful.

What do you think?

But she says she's happy now- making money, paying bills, not living in our crap city, starting over- so I am torn- on the one hand, I am happy she is happy. on the other hand, I feel bad she's so happy without me.

We had so many happy times, too. She just kept saying the relationship was too hard for her and she couldn't focus on herself- I didn't want that or demand that. 

 

Edited March 17, 2021 by lovesflame
change last sentence

[flitzanu]

2 hours ago, lovesflame said:

ExpatinItaly, thank you for all the replies to me these last few months. I appreciate you.

I think at the end there were other shady things for sure.  I wanted honesty it doesn't make it worse if she's reunited with, because either way she's gone. Honestly, if she's happy with him than I am not to judge just tell me either way. (maybe she thought it would hurt me) 

Do you think when I saw him send money that it was a really bad choice that I asked her about it? 

(I wonder why she kept picking up my calls smh )

She told me she did not like who she was becoming when we were together- being so sad. I really think that is unfair, because I only was there for her and was caring and loving and she knew that and told me so.

I feel like blaming me in any way for depression is hurtful.

What do you think?

But she says she's happy now- making money, paying bills, not living in our crap city, starting over- so I am torn- on the one hand, I am happy she is happy. on the other hand, I feel bad she's so happy without me.

We had so many happy times, too. She just kept saying the relationship was too hard for her and she couldn't focus on herself- I didn't want that or demand that. 

 

what answers are you wanting from these hypothetical questions?  we can say she's terrible for blaming you for her own depression, or whether you should or shouldn't have done or said a thing, regardless none of that matters anymore, at all.  these are the questions that are going to keep you up at night.  there is literally nothing you can change, and what you WANT to do right now is focus on other things.  trust me.  again, been there done that.

[lovesflame]

54 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

what answers are you wanting from these hypothetical questions?  we can say she's terrible for blaming you for her own depression, or whether you should or shouldn't have done or said a thing, regardless none of that matters anymore, at all.  these are the questions that are going to keep you up at night.  there is literally nothing you can change, and what you WANT to do right now is focus on other things.  trust me.  again, been there done that.

Yeah I don’t think she was terrible for it .

 I just am thinking I did something wrong I feel so guilty and like somehow I ruined the greatest joy I ever had in this life above and beyond all else.

 I feel so bad 

Also I think it probably makes no difference if she’s with the old ex or not she’s thousands of miles away and doesn’t want me to visit 

Edited March 17, 2021 by lovesflame

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, lovesflame said:

Do you think when I saw him send money that it was a really bad choice that I asked her about it? 

(I wonder why she kept picking up my calls smh)

A bad choice to what end?

Mentioning it or not doesn't change the fact that she is indeed back in contact with him. Thus, it didn't have any effect on the outcome other than making her aware that you knew she wasn't being honest. 

[lovesflame]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

A bad choice to what end?

 

Yeah I was thinking along the lines of it upset her and led to her blocking me on social media and we aren’t talking anymore .

 Also I thought (you’re gonna love this ) that if I could’ve played it cool and been more secure like she wants then maybe my chances for reconciling would be far better.

 I’m being honest what I was thinking . Lots of self blame 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, lovesflame said:

Yeah I was thinking along the lines of it upset her and led to her blocking me on social media and we aren’t talking anymore .

 Also I thought (you’re gonna love this ) that if I could’ve played it cool and been more secure like she wants then maybe my chances for reconciling would be far better.

It's better this way. 

You'd keep hanging on to false hope otherwise, and stopping yourself from moving on. She already has. 

[Negotaurus]

None of it matters. I know that's a very pessimistic way to start a post, but none of it matters. You constantly analysing what happened, "what if", "maybe", that is you torturing yourself. We all used to do that at one point, now looking back, it was a complete and utter waste of time. You are missing out on so many good things. Fact is, you will never know for sure what she thought or what really happened, most likely she will never have the guts to be honest with you. We all like to believe that people should be honest with us, because we were, but most just don't care. 

If you are ready to help yourself, block her, keep her blocked, delete everything, and focus on yourself. Work out, eat better, sleep, get creative. 

If you want to keep torturing yourself, do so if you must, but it's a lot easier to move on with your head held high. Climbing up from rock bottom is hard.

[lovesflame]

well, she told me she did not move out there to be with him. but yeah this last conversation was very upsetting and it runs through my mind for the last ten days or so. 

Maybe it really makes no difference if she moved there to be with him or not?? because either way we broke up before that and she went far away. I mean honestly it's just I tried working and being healthy and doing these things but my illnesses are getting to me and I think this last thing really hurt me.

Honestly, it hurt me so so bad to see that she is back in contact with this guy from so long ago. I know she loved him very much and she even told me that when we were together and told me how he hurt and betrayed her like no one ever had, when he cheated and left her with no explanation. 

I think you're both right I have to accept that I do NOT know and I may never know. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, lovesflame said:

Honestly, it hurt me so so bad to see that she is back in contact with this guy from so long ago. I know she loved him very much and she even told me that when we were together and told me how he hurt and betrayed her like no one ever had, when he cheated and left her with no explanation. 

You mentioned a while back in this thread that she sometimes cried over exes to you. I'm assuming this man was one of them. 

You're now seeing the reason that was such a huge red flag. 

[lovesflame]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You mentioned a while back in this thread that she sometimes cried over exes to you. I'm assuming this man was one of them. 

You're now seeing the reason that was such a huge red flag. 

Yes, I see that.

well she told me about him that I was better in most all categories but that he won out in one or two  categories .

she said it never would’ve worked with him . Also she told me he was her first true love and I was the other true love in her life and that you can have more than one . She told me that being upset about that was insecure ?

yeah I have no idea if they’re actually together but I always felt it was no coincidence she picked where he lives .

even if they didn’t speak in five years there was a good change he was there .

Last thing- how could she get over being lied to, cheated on and left but could never get over my  insecurities and the time I yelled about her ex calling her ? (A different one )

 As I Type this I realize some of these things she said to me were not healthy behaviors towards me ...

 

 

[Marc878]

Maybe you should open your eyes a bit and wake up.

She planned all this out. This wasn’t a chance encounter.

She dumped you for him. She didn't drive all that way for nothing. He was waiting on her.

She loves him not you. 

She blameshifted her actions on to you. Pretty cowardly but most do this.

Edited March 19, 2021 by Marc878

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, lovesflame said:

Last thing- how could she get over being lied to, cheated on and left but could never get over my  insecurities and the time I yelled about her ex calling her ? (A different one )

Because that isn't the real reason she left. She just needed a reason to blame you so that you wouldn't catch on to what she was up to. 

This woman has manipulated you into thinking this is all your fault, when she was doing some crappy things all along and deflecting. It was a distraction so that she could proceed with her plan to leave without too much grief from you.