going on a break to Reevaluate

[Wiseman2]

Hope all goes well. It's important to note that moving out is a step away from the relationship.

It seems it was too claustrophobic for her and she enjoys the comfort and space of living at home and just dating.

[lovesflame]

I think she does, but I have to tell you I am so worried. We have only spoken and I haven't seen her in a week and I miss her so much like I am in agonizing pain basically every night.

I also think about whether or not she will say she wants to be together again after this 30 day period. It's almost the only thing I think about. I have so much strength to not bring it up to her.

[JayWay]

On 12/15/2020 at 11:57 AM, lovesflame said:

will the 30 day break help anything?

I’m going through identical thing. It’s weird reading yours. Makes me sick to stomach. The feedback I’ve got is “ignore her”.  Which sucks. She told me “don’t disappear, we will talk, this isn’t forever, I love you, I want to wake up and know we should work on us, I just started new job, my Kids schedules change daily right now”.  Worst night of my life actually other day when she did this. And I had an ex wife ditch me and our son for some tool bag. Literally ditched both us.  But this cuts badly. I’m sorry it’s happening.  From my vantage point, don’t contact her at all no text no calls no emails nothing.  You opened your home as did I. You mixed her in with daughter as did I (well, son). I want to give her benefit doubt like mine, that she’s legit confused, scared, etc.  Vent here. Ignore her.  

[JayWay]

9 hours ago, lovesflame said:

I think she does, but I have to tell you I am so worried. We have only spoken and I haven't seen her in a week and I miss her so much like I am in agonizing pain basically every night.

I also think about whether or not she will say she wants to be together again after this 30 day period. It's almost the only thing I think about. I have so much strength to not bring it up to her.

It’s terrible pain.  I feel same. Same boat. I workout daily, eat good, with my son most time.  And I’m lost. Can’t workout, eat, sleep. Awful.  I’m sorry man.  It’s brutal. Mine was outta the blue.  Just ignore her, give her space. She know you and child are there.  As long as she knows you’ll wait or always there for her that’s best you can do on your end. She’ll need to notice on her own.  I hate that advice. I want to believe she’ll come around.  There’s to much thats been shared.  But ignore her.  Go day by day. Don’t think about 30 days. You both get back together at 45 days then awesome!   The “30” is her really trying to figure this out. I really believe that. She gave timeline. Fix what you can that she doesn’t like. Then go to her and tell her “these are things I’ll do to help, but I want to show and prove to you, words don’t mean anything, please trust me”.   

[lovesflame]

Thanks JayWay, I appreciate your empathy and support. The pain is so unbearable. I feel you I used to be so healthy and active now I just want to rest. 

  also feeling that I messed things up and blame myself. I was too insecure I would say "are we doing okay?" or "do you still love me"

Or "guess you like me again today." she was so upset that I accused her of talking to her abusive ex.

there was so much outside drama: I had serious COVID, my daughter started misbehaving, my daughter's mom kidnapped my daughter ad finally gave her back, my new job was s*** and my Gf lost her income for weeks due to COVID.

The thing is- I want to ignore, but she texts every day and TODAY I texted he a funny pic I couldn't resist. She always told me I was the "perfect partner" and maybe she wasn't right for me, because she was depressed and sad or gained 45 pounds (I like her with more thickness). I told her she was the greatest for her care and love for me and amazing personality.

The people around me tell me it looks good because she keeps talking to me and said she still loves me, etc.it's the nicest breakup I've ever had.

When we were together, we got matching ring finger tattoos (we have the same birthday), we said we would marry, she considered my daughter her own, but then one day she said she just "stopped caring." that she had to focus on herself because "I can't even be there for myself." now the thirty days to reconsider. I am trying to love myself through this but to be honest each night I whimper and sigh in bed missing her more than I have missed anything.

[DKT3]

Dude there is another man in the picture.  Her words are contradictions. I guessing her ex. independent people don't move in with momma. If you take a break or want to break up as some have suggested,  she wouldn't turn up at your place so often.  No no, she wants space to engage with another guy. Outside of her moving out it doesn't sound like anything else has changed. 

[maggiemtn]

The best thing you can do for yourself and your potential future is to just tell her next time she reaches out, “We agreed to take 30 days to reevaluate and we can’t do that if we keep acting like nothing has changed.” In 30 days, you may feel way different. I already feel different after a few weeks of getting dumped. I went from anger to despair and begging to thinking “Oh, yeah, I didn’t like this, this, or this.” I’m still so sad, but I have started to think more rationally. I attribute that 100% to NC. I can almost guarantee you that if she has the outlet to reach out to you anytime she feels like it, 30 days will pass and nothing will change. Try focusing on yourself for those 30 days and you might find you’re in a totally different headspace afterward. Good luck  

[DKT3]

10 minutes ago, maggiemtn said:

The best thing you can do for yourself and your potential future is to just tell her next time she reaches out, “We agreed to take 30 days to reevaluate and we can’t do that if we keep acting like nothing has changed.” In 30 days, you may feel way different. I already feel different after a few weeks of getting dumped. I went from anger to despair and begging to thinking “Oh, yeah, I didn’t like this, this, or this.” I’m still so sad, but I have started to think more rationally. I attribute that 100% to NC. I can almost guarantee you that if she has the outlet to reach out to you anytime she feels like it, 30 days will pass and nothing will change. Try focusing on yourself for those 30 days and you might find you’re in a totally different headspace afterward. Good luck  

The Sarah Marshall effects.  After breaking up you focus on all the good, once you've got some time and distance you start to realize that your partner and relationship are not that great.

She is actively keeping him on the hook and engaging him at her will. She isn't doing any of the things that she wanted to take the break to do. 

The best thing he can do is open his eyes. Yes, he seems insecure...but that doesn't explain her actions.  Maybe if she was actually taking a break. No, she just wanted space and the ability to say "we were on a break" 

[lovesflame]

She's just not a very sexual person overall [edited to remove inappropriate language]. I can drive by her mom's place but that's not cool to stalk her lol. 

 I never kept tabs on her anyways when we were together- I didn't know her passwords on her phone or anything like that. She promised to remain faithful during these thirty days as did I. that was her idea not mine. I trust her

Edited December 29, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited to remove inappropriate language

[DKT3]

9 hours ago, lovesflame said:

She's just not a very sexual person overall [edited to remove inappropriate language]. I can drive by her mom's place but that's not cool to stalk her lol. 

 I never kept tabs on her anyways when we were together- I didn't know her passwords on her phone or anything like that. She promised to remain faithful during these thirty days as did I. that was her idea not mine. I trust her

It doesn't have to be sexual to cause her confusion.  

Also stop fooling yourself,  insecurities come from a lack of trust. If you really trusted her you would not be insecure in the relationship.  Going by her words and actions you should be cautious 

Edited December 29, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited to remove inappropriate language in quoted post

[lovesflame]

actually my insecurites came from within. they came from wounds and past experiences. she told me again and again how much it hurt to have me be insecure for no reason but it was anxiety. I don't blame it on another hypothetical man. I take responsibility for not being my best at the time, because I loved her so much I was so scared to lose her.

[healing light]

On 12/17/2020 at 12:23 PM, lovesflame said:

She told me she was trying her best to just get some space. That's all she really wanted.

I have only made it this far through your thread, but it is clear this woman feels smothered to death. Emotional neediness and smothering is one sure fire way to drive off attraction. She doesn't want to feel like you're her keeper. For people who need space and alone time, it's a fundamental need they will have with any partner. You two may not be compatible in this regard, though I'm sure your anxieties are fueling the fire.

Any discussions, epiphanies, analyzations, attempts to "fix" the relationship while she has asked for space will backfire big time and will feel like more pressure as opposed to the SPACE she wants. It will translate into emotional smothering, neediness, futile attempts to control the direction of the relationship rather than meet her fundamental need for alone time.

The only thing you can do to salvage this, imo, if it is even able to be salvaged, is to give her tons of space in spades. Don't check in on her, don't initiate conversations about the relationship, etc. Work on your insecurity in the meantime so you don't rely on her to be the entire center of your universe. You need to genuinely cultivate hobbies and interests outside of her and take your mental energy off of her, or she will feel it.

[maggiemtn]

2 hours ago, DKT3 said:

The Sarah Marshall effects.  After breaking up you focus on all the good, once you've got some time and distance you start to realize that your partner and relationship are not that great.

She is actively keeping him on the hook and engaging him at her will. She isn't doing any of the things that she wanted to take the break to do. 

The best thing he can do is open his eyes. Yes, he seems insecure...but that doesn't explain her actions.  Maybe if she was actually taking a break. No, she just wanted space and the ability to say "we were on a break" 

I agree with you. What I was trying to say is a 30 day “break” where there is continued daily check-ins, reaching out, etc does nothing to provide anyone any clarity. Breaks usually end up as a breakup just with prolonged suffering. Also, I don’t remember this thread with the specifics to insecurities, but some people carry them from a bad childhood, unresolved past trauma, etc and push them over into relationships. It doesn’t always mean the other person is causing the insecurity. 

Edited December 29, 2020 by maggiemtn

[JayWay]

3 hours ago, lovesflame said:

Thanks JayWay, I appreciate your empathy and support. The pain is so unbearable. I feel you I used to be so healthy and active now I just want to rest. 

  also feeling that I messed things up and blame myself. I was too insecure I would say "are we doing okay?" or "do you still love me"

Or "guess you like me again today." she was so upset that I accused her of talking to her abusive ex.

there was so much outside drama: I had serious COVID, my daughter started misbehaving, my daughter's mom kidnapped my daughter ad finally gave her back, my new job was s*** and my Gf lost her income for weeks due to COVID.

The thing is- I want to ignore, but she texts every day and TODAY I texted he a funny pic I couldn't resist. She always told me I was the "perfect partner" and maybe she wasn't right for me, because she was depressed and sad or gained 45 pounds (I like her with more thickness). I told her she was the greatest for her care and love for me and amazing personality.

The people around me tell me it looks good because she keeps talking to me and said she still loves me, etc.it's the nicest breakup I've ever had.

When we were together, we got matching ring finger tattoos (we have the same birthday), we said we would marry, she considered my daughter her own, but then one day she said she just "stopped caring." that she had to focus on herself because "I can't even be there for myself." now the thirty days to reconsider. I am trying to love myself through this but to be honest each night I whimper and sigh in bed missing her more than I have missed anything.

She’s texting you then at least that’s great sign.  I’d give anything my current ex to text me.  Stay strong, always keep bees sterling out on her own. 

[lovesflame]

2 hours ago, healing light said:

The only thing you can do to salvage this, imo, if it is even able to be salvaged, is to give her tons of space in spades. Don't check in on her, don't initiate conversations about the relationship, etc. Work on your insecurity in the meantime so you don't rely on her to be the entire center of your universe. You need to genuinely cultivate hobbies and interests outside of her and take your mental energy off of her, or she will feel it.

yes, I totally agree. Thank you. thus far- I have only responded to her calls or texts. one time I texted her to talk about some funny things with my parents and today I sent a funny picture.  I was doing countless hobbies and stuff earlier this year, but now my hobby is going on here lol. honestly, I am not interested in most of my hobbies right now as I can't do most of the physical ones as I'm still recovering from COVID. personally, I am focusing on healing things with my family and daughter.

She will feel the energy you are right about that with her.

Edited December 29, 2020 by lovesflame

[lovesflame]

1 hour ago, maggiemtn said:

 Also, I don’t remember this thread with the specifics to insecurities, but some people carry them from a bad childhood, unresolved past trauma, etc and push them over into relationships. It doesn’t always mean the other person is causing the insecurity. 

Also, I completely agree about the unresolved traumas and such I feel lots of insecurity in love now at this point in life. she gave me so much love that it was just fulfilling everything to me. But the thing is- yes, I have anxiety- I have my therapist too, but she has crying fits, depressive behaviors, and talks about grieving deaths of loved ones or things ex guys said or did years ago; however, I just am there she cries on me and I love her. She was there for me, too.

what I am trying to say is you don't abandon someone for being wounded (I'm not saying she had)  in general- I don't think people must be happily healed to be happily loved. what do you think?

my insecurities: I would stay up when she would be out until like 2AM, I would often ask "do you like me today?" (became an inside joke) I would ask "is everything okay between us?"

I would ask her to text me when she was on the way home because I would be nervous if it were like past 1AM

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, lovesflame said:

 she has crying fits, depressive behaviors, and talks about grieving deaths of loved ones or things ex guys said or did years ago; however, I just am there she cries on me

This is a big red flag, OP. 

She is not emotionally healthy if she's crying to you about other men. That is not good. What is she going to do in this 30-day "break" to address her own issues? Letting her cry all over you about how these past men have wronged his is not in your best interests and doesn't show you're supportive - it shows you lack self-respect. 

What I'm getting in your posts are two people carrying around a lot of unresolved pain from their pasts, clinging to each other like life rafts. But that doesn't work in the long-term, as you're seeing. A relationship cannot be healthy or thrive when both parties have their own emotional baggage to sort through, but instead of doing that, they project it onto the other person.  Unless and until your individually address your own issues, this won't work. 

I don't know, man. I don't doubt you have your own issues to address regarding insecurity, but this woman?  Moving out, staying in a parking lot alone for hours in the evening to avoid coming home...with respect, you need to wake up. I don't think she's being as honest with you as you think she is. She's keeping you on the hook but I would nearly place money on the fact that there's more to this that she isn't being forthcoming about. 

[Voivoda]

2 hours ago, lovesflame said:

Also, I completely agree about the unresolved traumas and such I feel lots of insecurity in love now at this point in life. she gave me so much love that it was just fulfilling everything to me. But the thing is- yes, I have anxiety- I have my therapist too, but she has crying fits, depressive behaviors, and talks about grieving deaths of loved ones or things ex guys said or did years ago; however, I just am there she cries on me and I love her. She was there for me, too.

what I am trying to say is you don't abandon someone for being wounded (I'm not saying she had)  in general- I don't think people must be happily healed to be happily loved. what do you think?

my insecurities: I would stay up when she would be out until like 2AM, I would often ask "do you like me today?" (became an inside joke) I would ask "is everything okay between us?"

I would ask her to text me when she was on the way home because I would be nervous if it were like past 1AM

We all have insecurities. Sounds wierd that she would stay out until 2AM and just chat with you. Think about it, lets say you did move in too fast and she wants some independence. Instead of letting you be worried sick, why she can't just come and visit you even for an hour or two and catch up on things. The chat thing to me feels like she is just keeping you on a hook. No doubt that there could be countless posibilities on what is going on; however, this is out of your control.

As difficult as it is, in my opinion, you have to withdraw yourself a bit as well. She decided to move out and to put some BS NC, not you, so she needs start working on you to get you back. Your goal is to have a relationship in person, not that BS. Go out with friends, go have some more time with your daughter and work on stuff that matters to you. Using logic to pursue a women never work for me, they only care about how they feel about you.

I hope all goes well. 

[Emilie Jolie]

4 hours ago, lovesflame said:

. she gave me so much love that it was just fulfilling everything to me. 

This is not healthy.

4 hours ago, lovesflame said:

she has crying fits, depressive behaviors, and talks about grieving deaths of loved ones or things ex guys said or did years ago; however, I just am there she cries on me and I love her. 

Nor is this.

4 hours ago, lovesflame said:

I don't think people must be happily healed to be happily loved. what do you think?

I actually think they do need to be healed - how else are you going to develop the tools to be part of a secure, functional relationship of equals?

4 hours ago, lovesflame said:

my insecurities: I would stay up when she would be out until like 2AM, I would often ask "do you like me today?" (became an inside joke) I would ask "is everything okay between us?"

I would ask her to text me when she was on the way home because I would be nervous if it were like past 1AM

This is seriously messed up and unappealing (sorry, OP), beyond the realm of 'insecurity'. 

Bottom line is you don't appear to be bringing the best out of each other - she is using you as an in-house therapist, you are using her as your emotional everything.

This is a very dysfunctional dynamic. I'm not sure why either of you would want to get back to any version of this, space or no space.

I wouldn't know what to advise; all I know is that I would not be able to deal with this level of dysfunction on a daily basis. I don't think you are compatible at this moment in time, I think you should stay broken up and work on yourselves so you can sort out your individual issues. It's obviously up to you, though.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, "taking a break" is often a way to soften the hurt of wanting to break up.

Take this time to reflect rather than reconcile.

Focus on yourself and decide what you want from a relationship.

[lovesflame]

5 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Bottom line is you don't appear to be bringing the best out of each other - she is using you as an in-house therapist, you are using her as your emotional everything.

 

she would make a joke and say "babe is my therapist." But then when she was serious she said that she was to emotinally dependent on me like a parasite and that's why she felt bad about herself. She told me I was the only person to ever validate or accept or care about her emotions. that is why she stopped talking to her mother for like four months this year and blocked her. I felt so close to her when she would express emotions. Lately, she was crying about how she was not a good enough partner for me and I tried to reassure her.

But here's the truth I was feeling healthier and going to therapy and healing but after getting COVID I got depressed and anxiety attacks.

Honestly, I don't want to do any of those jokes or stupid games anymore I want to start over and just date and act normal. I don't know why it all started and why we didn't just stop doing the stupid jokes.

And she would tell me "I like you again today."  but she would say it was a joke.

I would ask if she liked me again, because she was mad at me for almost one month about the phone incident (I saw a voicemail from her ex I thought it was a returned call,.  I asked her she said there was no call, I said I saw it you're lying. You're lying to my face. then she cried and I said sorry.) when we got home she went to her mom's for days and was going to break up with me. I apologized and never touched her phone again. Every person I know tells me she overreacted to this...

so from then on she would act hot and cold towards me. She said the whole time she always loved and liked me but was just joking.

I want to cut all the jokes and just go back to dating. I am so nervous about what happens in 30 days

[lovesflame]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is a big red flag, OP. 

She is not emotionally healthy if she's crying to you about other men. That is not good. What is she going to do in this 30-day "break" to address her own issues? Letting her cry all over you about how these past men have wronged his is not in your best interests and doesn't show you're supportive - it shows you lack self-respect. 

 

Sorry,  it wasn't mainly about the other guys I shouldn't have made it seem that way it was about that sometimes, but that's why I overreacted so much when I thought she called him because he abused her. And she said it showed how insecure and obsessed with him I was but really that was unfair now that I look back.

Do you think the way I was mad about thinking he called her the big deal breaker she said it was? I know I was wrong but I thought she forgave me, she said it forever made her turned off by me.

Mainly she would cry about childhood things or just cry because of the state of the world or how she felt bad she wasn't achieving more in life. Anyways, I think she wants to address the issues- I think she kind of blamed our relationship for not working on herself, or working out anymore, etc. I think that is also unfair.

[JayWay]

7 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

she would make a joke and say "babe is my therapist." But then when she was serious she said that she was to emotinally dependent on me like a parasite and that's why she felt bad about herself. She told me I was the only person to ever validate or accept or care about her emotions. that is why she stopped talking to her mother for like four months this year and blocked her. I felt so close to her when she would express emotions. Lately, she was crying about how she was not a good enough partner for me and I tried to reassure her.

But here's the truth I was feeling healthier and going to therapy and healing but after getting COVID I got depressed and anxiety attacks.

Honestly, I don't want to do any of those jokes or stupid games anymore I want to start over and just date and act normal. I don't know why it all started and why we didn't just stop doing the stupid jokes.

And she would tell me "I like you again today."  but she would say it was a joke.

I would ask if she liked me again, because she was mad at me for almost one month about the phone incident (I saw a voicemail from her ex I thought it was a returned call,.  I asked her she said there was no call, I said I saw it you're lying. You're lying to my face. then she cried and I said sorry.) when we got home she went to her mom's for days and was going to break up with me. I apologized and never touched her phone again. Every person I know tells me she overreacted to this...

so from then on she would act hot and cold towards me. She said the whole time she always loved and liked me but was just joking.

I want to cut all the jokes and just go back to dating. I am so nervous about what happens in 30 days

She should join therapy with you. I think that be really good doing that together. It would strengthen the relationship and help her individually.  She has her own insecurities. I get the closeness with emotions. My ex that just left me blindsided it was similar.  We share deep emotional things. Makes feel very close to each other.  It’s a trust and vulnerability thing.  Which is why I’m more confused and hurt why she’s doing this right now.  And on your end, it’s confusing because she’s confused.  I want to beleieve mine is confused and she’s taking her time to figure out the process and plan to make us work with our kids, families, homes, her new job and such.  But many say she’s just leaving me hang on as plan B.  Sadly, I would wait for her. She’s worth it.  I wouldn’t feel that way if we didn’t share those deep emotional physical things and everything she told me just day before this nightmare began. I’m sure you feel similar?  In your case, she’s still texting you and such.  I’m on day 7 NC.  And I’m in a fog.  I miss her terribly, even our simple texts telling each other good morning, good night or she misses me, can’t wait to hold me, etc.  I’d give anything for that.  So don’t take for granted her texts right now.  In fact, when time allows, tell her simply “I appreciate you”. Don’t focus on 30 days. Nobody can put timing on it. Just focus on today.  

[lovesflame]

5 minutes ago, JayWay said:

  She has her own insecurities. I get the closeness with emotions. My ex that just left me blindsided it was similar.  We share deep emotional things. Makes feel very close to each other.  It’s a trust and vulnerability thing.

Yes, it is all about sharing those vulnerabilities and emotional connection. That is why you are so blindsided. I think it hurts so much because you know what you had was special. and she probably told you she never was so close to anyone before?

It's like you let someone see the true, naked, unfiltered you and they tell you "I love you, scars and warts and all."

And that love is so healing.

Yes, I feel the same just a day or two before she was saying deep emotional things to me and crying during love-making. I agree she is worth waiting for. I mean don't be scared of the pain, but I don't think you are. I appreciate her you are right.

As she was moving her things she kept telling me in my eyes, I appreciate you so much. I tell her too.

I won't focus on 30 days anymore. I am not going to text her today, because  I believe it's too much for now. I feel better the days she texts me than not, but I know one day we can still be friends even if this doesn't work out. I believe she will be back, but like other people say we have to get more therapy if we are going to have  a good relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

Sorry,  it wasn't mainly about the other guys I shouldn't have made it seem that way it was about that sometimes

You didn't make it seem like it was mainly about other men. 

Even "sometimes" is too much.  I think part of the reason she reacted so badly when you asked if she'd been in touch with this ex is because you might have hit close to home than she wants to admit to you.