Author lovesflame Posted January 3, 2021 Author Share Posted January 3, 2021 3 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said: Also starting back at work tomorrow and dreading it - zoom is awful, right? I don't know what an open mic is but that sounds fun either way. Therapy goals with you and your daughter are such good steps forward!! A bit drastic but fair enough. Your body, your choice as they say. Good plan. Anything to take your mind off (plus it's the sales atm). Thank you, I guess? Sounds like you have a busy few weeks ahead of you - that's great! Keeping fingers crossed for you, @lovesflame🙂. I have to keep myself occupied . I know that sometimes people really do throw love away but that’s not happened yet and if it does then I still have other forms of love in my life . I think the situation I am in is hard to deal with emotionally but I’m strong and brave enough to get through it and I will be as calm as I possibly can be . I hope space gives her time to miss me Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 59 minutes ago, lovesflame said: I am not going to have sex with any other woman. On this point - did you two discuss this, with regards to the break? Meaning, are you both free to see or sleep with other people? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted January 3, 2021 Author Share Posted January 3, 2021 25 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: On this point - did you two discuss this, with regards to the break? Meaning, are you both free to see or sleep with other people? She said we are still together as in not dating other people . I just don’t want to anyways even when I was super lonely I didn’t ask someone to come over . Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 1 hour ago, lovesflame said: I have to keep myself occupied . I know that sometimes people really do throw love away but that’s not happened yet and if it does then I still have other forms of love in my life . I think the situation I am in is hard to deal with emotionally but I’m strong and brave enough to get through it and I will be as calm as I possibly can be . I hope space gives her time to miss me Of course you are strong and brave enough to get through it 🙂. I assumed you meant you will never have sex with another woman again - I didn't realise you were talking about your partner! Sorry for the misunderstanding - that makes much more sense. So in effect, you are still committed to each other. Love has not yet been thrown away, and as you say, there are other ways to find love in your life. Please keep us posted, @lovesflame- even if things go your way you hope, keep positive anyway! 🙂 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted January 3, 2021 Author Share Posted January 3, 2021 10 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said: Love has not yet been thrown away, and as you say, there are other ways to find love in your life I will update in a couple weeks. Thank you for caring and listening and being a good person. I think I will say from my heart the truth when I see her in a couple weeks and hope she receives it. she really does love me but she needs to work on herself for healing for now . I support that . I need to just relax and rest . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 3 minutes ago, lovesflame said: I will update in a couple weeks. Thank you for caring and listening and being a good person. I think I will say from my heart the truth when I see her in a couple weeks and hope she receives it. she really does love me but she needs to work on herself for healing for now . I support that . I need to just relax and rest . Thank you so much, - that's the magic of LS! So much caring 🙂. I hope you stick with us. And is so mature and kind of you to support her decision, and yes please keep us posted on your learning journey! A wonderful new years to you, @lovesflame 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 I was like you in my late teens, and I just got walked all over. When I matured and started acting like a man, I started to have way better luck. IMO, what you are doing now will only connect you with narcissistic type women who want someone they can control and then ultimately discard. Life is what it is, and our instincts as men and women are powerful and hard to override. Better to roll with them, then to try to fight them. Anyways, I hope things work out for you. You sound like a decent guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 We all have to learn. You will too. There is no one and only soulmate. There are many who can fit that bill. If someone doesn’t want you there’s nothing you can do. Let them go and free yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 10 hours ago, Marc878 said: If someone doesn’t want you there’s nothing you can do. Let them go and free yourself. The weird thing is as I matured and got rid of the scarcity mindset (there is "the one" I need to find), I had much healthier relationships. The more indifferent I was, the more a girl would up the affection. Seems counter productive but this is my experience. No one likes the feeling of being smothered in a relationship. If a girl I was dating was talking about separation or taking a break, I would just permanently cut things off because I knew I could find another GF pretty well right away. I'm not saying it wasn't painful at times, but better than the alternative of dragging it out. If you accept crappy behavior from people, then it will just get worse. I stopped putting up with any BS like mind games or manipulation, and life got much better. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 Smart thinking. The other things is independence is an attractive trait to have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted January 5, 2021 Author Share Posted January 5, 2021 On 1/3/2021 at 8:35 PM, Zona said: . When I matured and started acting like a man, I started to have way better luck. Depends on your societal definitions of what a "man" is. All human beings have "masculine" and "feminine" traits and they both are important. Actually, being androgynous is healthy for the mind and it also was one of the main reason I am found so attractive by women. The thing is, man, I already did the whole act indifferent and that's all an act. I slept around with tons of women had bunch or FWB at the same time. this was empty and meaningless to me. Yes, I did have one narcassistic ex and that hurt but it was only three months of my life. Now, when I found someone who is a friend and I care for and have better talks with than the over 30-50 women I dated, I don't want to lose her. See, that's the whole thing. when you really love someone and have passion for them you can't be indifferent, because you actualyl feel strongly towards them. It's rare and wonderful. It happens sometimes that love visits and sometimes it doesn't last, sometimes it comes and goes and sometimes it breaks your heart but that's being a human being. All that "Alpha" stuff has no meaning to me. I was with way too many women and it just drained my soul and became boring 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, lovesflame said: I was with way too many women and it just drained my soul and became boring By all accounts dating is tough in today's culture. Sounds like you have seen and done it all. How old are you? Things might get better as you get into your mid 30's or older if doesn't work out with your GF. Edited January 5, 2021 by Zona Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted January 5, 2021 Author Share Posted January 5, 2021 47 minutes ago, Zona said: By all accounts dating is tough in today's culture. Sounds like you have seen and done it all. hey, thanks man. I didn't want to go through all of this but I am glad I did . I am 33 now. I made this choice though to wait and see and I really do see all these good signs but also there's lots of confusion as well. I am trying my best day by day. I can't really make sense of this but I am doing the right things to be loving and patient and honest. It's just waiting is the hardest part.. Tom Petty said that Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 I would just say that the relationship dynamics you learned while you hooking up with a lot of women are still in play, although to a lesser degree in a LT relationship or marriage. To this day I make sure my wife understands that I have a lot of options and I could do perfectly well without her, even as I choose to stay with her. Try to avoid coming across as desperate or clingy. That won't help your cause. Best of luck to you. Sounds like you really love that woman. Hope it works out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 Oh you can make sense of it, you just refuse to see it for what it is. Alpha stuff? You mean like not allowing someone to take advantage of you? At some point we all need to realize that not everyone we love will love us back, not everyone who's best interests are important to us feel the same about our best interests. Bottom line is im 99% confident your girlfriend is in communication with her ex. Im 100% confident he played a role in her wanting this time apart. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 50 minutes ago, DKT3 said: Bottom line is im 99% confident your girlfriend is in communication with her ex. Im 100% confident he played a role in her wanting this time apart. If this is true, then it could be a lost cause. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 1 minute ago, Zona said: If this is true, then it could be a lost cause. Oh its true...thier problem started after he saw that her ex was contacting her. He simply won't accept it is very likely. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 According to his words, he confronts her about the contact and she gets really angry. Go read a BH thread this will all start to sound very familiar. She tells him he is controlling and insecure....gaslighting at its finest. Finally she hits him with the i need space. All of this because he found her ex was contacting her. Really? He can't figure this out? Or he just doesn't want to see it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted January 6, 2021 Author Share Posted January 6, 2021 13 hours ago, DKT3 said: . Finally she hits him with the i need space. All of this because he found her ex was contacting her. Really? He can't figure this out? Or he just doesn't want to see it. No, man. I totally trust her if I didn't trust her then I wouldn't even want to work things out . the problem was that I accused her of calling him back. she was offended and feels she gave up her apartment for me and got matching tattoos and moved in etc. and then I accuse her of talking to this ex that she doesn't even have feelings for. I wish I didn't ruin things that way, but all I could do is ask for forgiveness which I did. I made a mistake that day. and overreacted. I wish I didn't even look at her phone. I mean she said I ruined the foundation of trust, and things got really good a couple months later but once I got COVID- I got so ill and stress increased and she needed a break. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 Sure my man, let's see how it ends up.. good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted January 6, 2021 Author Share Posted January 6, 2021 33 minutes ago, DKT3 said: Sure my man, let's see how it ends up.. good luck to you. Thanks, I hope so. But can I ask your random opinion? Do you think that what I did was really messed up accusing her of calling him back when I just saw he left a voicemail that his father died. I mean I said she was lying and so on. I feel so bad for how I acted honestly. That was like six months ago Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 Dude her anger is irrational. Its a logical to think she called him back. It really makes no sense that she is still so upset all these months later. Listen, its so obvious whats going on here. You aren't open to seeing it. I would run this past your mom or sisters if you have them. I'm pretty confident that they will see red flags. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted January 6, 2021 Author Share Posted January 6, 2021 (edited) 28 minutes ago, DKT3 said: . I would run this past your mom or sisters if you have them. I'm pretty confident that they will see red Edited January 6, 2021 by lovesflame Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 7 hours ago, DKT3 said: Dude her anger is irrational. Its a logical to think she called him back. It really makes no sense that she is still so upset all these months later. I agree with this. Something else likely going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 (edited) On 12/15/2020 at 11:47 AM, lovesflame said: She suggested perhaps it was better to get her own place as we may have moved in too quickly. Sorry this is happening. There's a lot more to this than one incident. Moving out is a huge step away from the relationship. She's unhappy and uncoupling, but in a drip-like fashion. The trust issue was likely just the last straw. Not really a make it or break it deal. Space, confused, stress, etc. means she's ending it. Good relationships don't need breaks. She keeps reiterating that she would rather have her own place and resented giving up her apt. That means she's undoing living together and regrets moving in together too soon. Edited January 7, 2021 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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