going on a break to Reevaluate

[lovesflame]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No kidding.

I would not see her again until she's completed a quarantine period. It's an incredible risk for her to be couch-surfing at all, let alone doing so and then seeing you. For someone who's been barking about needing time to look after herself, she's sure being a hypocrite on this point and exposing herself

I already had covid a few months ago so I personally am not worried but there’s her family and others that I worry for .

honestly I am really starting to feel that all of this is truly not much to do with me anymore . I am letting the guilt go I mean yeah I did some unattractive things being anxious but waiting up for your partner while they’re out until 3am with friends isn’t that bad or texting her to say when will you be home .

either way I am starting to believe perhaps this isn’t all about me and my anxiety because maybe she is just doing her own decisions and choices that are out of my control and about her own personal feelings 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, lovesflame said:

I already had covid a few months ago so I personally am not worried but there’s her family and others that I worry for .

honestly I am really starting to feel that all of this is truly not much to do with me anymore . I am letting the guilt go I mean yeah I did some unattractive things being anxious but waiting up for your partner while they’re out until 3am with friends isn’t that bad or texting her to say when will you be home .

Not to derail your thread, but you can absolutely get Covid more than once. I live in Italy and I know a few people who caught Covid in the first wave of this last spring, and then again in the second wave just a couple months ago. Don't make the mistake of assuming that just because you had it already offers you immunity. We are seeing that isn't necessarily true at all. Please, take all necessary precautions and don't let this woman near you or your daughter until she has completed a quarantine. She's being reckless and it's not worth the risk. 

In any event, all you can do is wait and see what she says when this 30-day "break" is over.  You are correct that it's not totally out of line to be anxious when your live-in partner is gone until the wee hours without giving you a heads-up. Based on what you have told us in this thread, she's got some of her own issues too. If she's not also addressing those, then a break will have been pointless. 

[lovesflame]

26 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

In any event, all you can do is wait and see what she says when this 30-day "break" is over.  You are correct that it's not totally out of line to be anxious when your live-in partner is gone until the wee hours without giving you a heads-up. Based on what you have told us in this thread, she's got some of her own issues too. If she's not also addressing those, then a break will have been pointless. 

I sure hope not they have me back at work and I am worried about getting it again. I hope I don't get it again. I hope she addresses them, and I feel like I would like a chance when she's doing well mentally and we aren't stuck in an apartment together. The main thing I don't understand is that each little thing I did like stay up because she was gone until midnight could be used as a sign of my insecurity? was I anxious and panicky? yes, I was. Yet, how would she know? because I did not do anything when she got home I just said, " I appreciate you having here next to me and connecting with you would you be home before bed one of the nights this week?" 

that was secure good communication and honesty. Yet, this was some sign of insecurity in her eyes? I think that is just off base. I am trying my best to sort of let myself off the hook here, because my behavior has been in need of some improvement yet everyone is flawed in various ways. Yes, I liked to have reassurance and i felt worried she would leave me once she wanted to move out but is that so unforgiveable? is that really a relationship ending problem? 

Perhaps to her it is but I am just trying to forgive myself for these flaws. 

[lovesflame]

UPDATE:

well, I met her for dinner yesterday she was saying how much she still loved me and crying and crying. but said that there's no romatic involvment for us. that she needs to work on herself and I deserve a partner with more passion for me , I asked her about starting fresh with out COVID and living together but she said at this time she can't be in a relationship at all and she has to choose herself for once. There was lots of hugging and crying and she was saying she meant everything she ever said and she really did think we would be together forever.

She said she had to choose herself for once in her life and work on her mental state.

Today, she came over to get more of her things and she's still touchy feely with me and calling me babe, and she pressed our matching ring finger tattoos together and told me she loved me so much. She said let's hang out next weekend and that I am her best friend and she wants me in her life.

I am just glad the break is over. this feels better than being on the break. I am astonished by her choices but she said she chose to love me over and over again but now it's time to love herself.

I truly don't understand and everyone I know is at a loss for words or understanding of what she is doing.

Edited January 18, 2021 by lovesflame
grammar

[maggiemtn]

I'm glad your break is over and now you can focus on loving yourself and moving on. I think it's really unfair of her to be touchy-feely and call you pet names when she's made her choice to move forward without the relationship. Her actions indicate that if you let her keep reaching out to you, she's going to keep you hanging on and it will be extremely hard for you get over her. You got your answer, and even though she may have feelings for you, they obviously aren't enough to stay in the relationship. This is the time go NC and focus on your own healing. 

[lovesflame]

19 minutes ago, maggiemtn said:

 I think it's really unfair of her to be touchy-feely and call you pet names when she's made her choice to move forward without the relationship. Her actions indicate that if you let her keep reaching out to you, she's going to keep you hanging on and it will be extremely hard for you get over her.

Thank you for responding.

her actions don’t make much sense does it ? 
I really don’t understand 

also I do like being her friend and I am calling up some old flings tonight but I would like to get together with her again of course .

 

[maggiemtn]

22 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

Thank you for responding.

her actions don’t make much sense does it ? 
I really don’t understand 

also I do like being her friend and I am calling up some old flings tonight but I would like to get together with her again of course .

 

Her actions make sense in that sometimes, people are selfish. Her actions are selfish behavior. Even the dumper usually still has some feelings tied up in the relationship. It's hard to watch anyone move on from their relationship, so she's keeping you close so you won't. As is often said, you can't be friends with an ex until you can truly be happy for them, be happy if you saw them in a new relationship. Essentially until your romantic feelings disappear, which they will with time, but only if you cut off contact. 

I certainly don't advise calling up old flings the day you've had a mentally difficult conversation. You shouldn't put your feelings about your ex onto someone else, it's not fair to the other person. Call friends, go on a walk, binge-watch a good tv show or some movies. You are only pushing your feelings to another day. I promise you they WILL come back and you'll have to deal with them at some point and you'll be angry at yourself if you're just starting to deal with this in six months. It's okay to grieve, be alone, and be sad. It's part of the healing process. I haven't spoken to my ex on the phone or text in over a month (had to email for one thing and even that sucked), and that's helped me a lot. I am past the point of crying every single day or thinking we're going to get back together in the future, thinking he's going to change his mind. Now I can focus on my own wants and needs.

Even though I miss being in a relationship and I'm running out of time to have children, I would not force myself into dating or even sleeping with someone else right now because I know that would drag up a bunch of feelings all related to my ex. Until I'm fully healed, I would rather be alone than be with someone who I'm simply comparing to another person and using as a placeholder. That's not fair to anyone. Just my advice. 

Edited January 18, 2021 by maggiemtn

[DKT3]

I would bet my wife's car you will soon find out she is back with her ex.

Really that irrelevant at this point other then it will make sense of her actions. 

Time to move on, don't try to stay friends with her, not now maybe later.

[lovesflame]

1 hour ago, maggiemtn said:Until I'm fully healed, I would rather be alone than be with someone who I'm simply comparing to another person and using as a placeholder. That's not fair to anyone. Just my advice. 

This is great advice . And thanks for sharing your story.

 Your commitment to healing and living your values is honorable .

 I don’t know but you’re right I won’t heal after this if I just go get with someone ...

so I called her to just tell her I am doing ok because I knew it was the right thing and she said she’s glad because it brought her peace to hear that .

 I also told her I was going to see some old friends and she told me “if you want to date other people I’m fine with it .” It’s like she read my mind . But I told her I wasn’t talking about that because I was talking about other friends .

I told her I wish her well and to take care of herself . 
 

I am going to make peace and move on .

 I told her thanks for breaking up in a kind way and I am glad for the experiences .

thabks for talking with me on here .

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lovesflame said:

Her actions don’t make much sense does it ? 

I really don’t understand 

 

 

Is there someone else?  She's too all over the place. 

[lovesflame]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is there someone else?  She's too all over the place. 

I don’t think so for sure . She told me no. So I can’t go off anything else . No new guys on social media .

I don’t want to stalk her to find out because that’s not right or good for my mental health. 
 

I think she’s seriously mixed up

 

after I write all this out I’m realizing it sounds like she’s truly toxic or something is wrong with her 

[lovesflame]

2 hours ago, DKT3 said:

I would bet my wife's car you will soon find out she is back with her ex.

 

I bet it’s more so some other dude .

 

it’s not the ex because she hates him and he was a literal abuser and she’s past that . 
it’s not my business though. When she says see other people that’s what shows me this is over and done with 

but it could be some new cool dude and I would be happy for her . 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, lovesflame said:

I also told her I was going to see some old friends and she told me “if you want to date other people I’m fine with it .” It’s like she read my mind . But I told her I wasn’t talking about that because I was talking about other friends .

This usually spills out of a dumper's mouth because they have someone else in mind, too. 

I'm sorry, Lovesflame. I know you were really hoping for a different outcome. But please don't hang out with her anytime soon. It's going to be way too painful for you, and you don't want to be "friends" when the time comes that she starts dating someone else. 

Breaking up and trying to remain besties is almost always a recipe for disaster. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, lovesflame said:

Today, she came over to get more of her things and she's still touchy feely with me and calling me babe, and she pressed our matching ring finger tattoos together and told me she loved me so much. She said let's hang out next weekend and that I am her best friend and she wants me in her life.

Also?

This woman sounds like a teenager, mentally. 

[lovesflame]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Also?

This woman sounds like a teenager, mentally. 

Yes I agree. So I thought I was going to be ok but I’m not sure. I feel so bad and having another woman to date lined up isn’t helping me.

 I am not really sure why I called my ex to tell her don’t worry I will be ok after she left today, but I thought it was the right thing to do. 

all her crying and sobbing about how she didn’t want to hurt me and trying to appease me with gifts and hugs and kisses none of it actually matters to me because she is not here with me .she tried to let me down as easy as possible and not break my heart but it’s broken it really is broken . She really doesn’t want me anymore 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry about all this. Unfortunately people do a lot of damage trying not to be the bad guy.

It ends up stringing people along using terms like "break". 

In a way she wants to come out smelling like a rose and not own her own stuff. That's either immaturity or ego .

In the long run you'll see that you dodged a bullet. Insincerity is the worst kind of muck to deal with.

[Negotaurus]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This usually spills out of a dumper's mouth because they have someone else in mind, too. 

I'm sorry, Lovesflame. I know you were really hoping for a different outcome. But please don't hang out with her anytime soon. It's going to be way too painful for you, and you don't want to be "friends" when the time comes that she starts dating someone else. 

Breaking up and trying to remain besties is almost always a recipe for disaster. 

My ex acted the EXACT same way she did, and guess what, the entire time he was seeing somebody else :'). 

Not that it matters. This woman in question is acting so selfish and immature. I'm glad that this "break" fiasco is over and that the OP is now free of this. I just don't understand why the dumpers have to be such drama queens when they know exactly what's going on. As if the OP is just a random pawn in their little soap opera. 

[lovesflame]

5 hours ago, Negotaurus said:This woman in question is acting so selfish and immature. 

I think she tried her best to not hurt me but it was so immature as you say and she tried to not be the bad guy as the comment above yours says and that didn’t help .

 

I wonder why I asked her for a break instead of accepting she was done with me 30 days ago?

could I have done anything different to help her want to stay with me ?

 

 I do believe she’s not in the place to be in a relationship with me. She is being honest about that .

 I have not had a break up before where the person still loves me and had great feelings towards me but still is the one who breaks it off.

it is very confusing. 
 

do you think I didn’t handle the breaking up the right way to keep her from leaving?

she told me we either break up or take your idea of 30 day break... 

I feel like I could’ve maybe talked better during this time apart and kept the connection going . 
 

am I being misguided to blame myself for this not reconciling .

 

[ExpatInItaly]

18 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

do you think I didn’t handle the breaking up the right way to keep her from leaving?

she told me we either break up or take your idea of 30 day break... 

I feel like I could’ve maybe talked better during this time apart and kept the connection going . 

No, none of this would have made any difference. 

She had already decided. My guess is that she felt she "owed" it to you to at least go through the motions of a 30-day break, and maybe thought this was the softer way out. But the result would have been the same. I know you're blaming yourself, and it's hard not to do so, but her moving out was the indication that it was already over and not going to come back together. 

Do you happen to know who she couch-surfed with? 

[JayWay]

On 1/12/2021 at 3:34 AM, Negotaurus said:

 

[JayWay]

I’m sorry she chose this path as it seems you would work it out. This sounds identical to my situation.  Well, mine told me during her smashing my heart to pieces “don’t disappear, it’s not forever, we are going to talk, it won’t kill you to wait us not together this second if it’s meant to be it will be”. Needless to say it’s been 3 weeks mostly NC. Each day is little better, but since this involved my little son it’s really hard.  What’s odd is she told me don’t disappear yet she’s done that exact thing. Minus her love heart emoji texts. Anyways, I always lean benefit of doubt that she’s just confused in your situation. I tell myself that in my spot too. She promise me there’s no other guy. While She does have a lot of things going on, and yes, now realizing she has issues. Similar to yours. We all do though. Hers are pretty deep.  Tons of drama, dishonesty and such. I feel there’s another guy. I’m sorry, that hurts to hear, but no woman that loves a man gives garbage excuses like both ours do, and touches us, says still loves us - except to keep us waiting. It’s selfish as hell.  Go dark. Do not meet with her at all. Do not. I’m serious. It will delay your hurt and make it way worse too.  As my current “ex” told me and I’m telling you the opposite of “don’t disappear”, disappear!  Let her feel what it’s like you gone. Maybe takes her time to realize.  I’ve been told my ex will realize and will contact me down road. But at this point, I’m so furious how she broke my heart, was selfish and frankly childish and reckless and dishonest with me. Now, I forgave her when she lied to me couple times. That’s on me. However, this website here, family, therapist - have all told me to go dark on her shes selfish and she’s using you.  It stings. But, that’s what I’m starting to feel.  That she used me. Pure sick. No woman tells a man multiple times I’ve never met someone like you, your a dream I promise I’m this for like by haul I can’t believe I met you, you truly saved me, I was mess when we first met and you always believed in me and had my back, I’ve fallen for you and love you to point that it like genuinely hurts my heart, I’ve met your son and I can’t wait to fast forward blend our kids together.   Anyway,  no woman with children in her 30’s coming outta past marriage where she’s cheated on multiple times and lied too would ever so what mine has done if truly meant those things. My point?  She didn’t mean those words genuinely. Sorry, her actions with you and towards you speak way louder.  Seriously, do not talk to her or see her. And do not date old flings. That thought went through me but only cause I know what I want. A partner. A woman that I thought I met. My feelings are genuine. Sounds like yours are.  If I did that to another person I’d be masking my heartbreak on her. Totally not fair. I wouldn’t teach my son that. I’m sorry, it sucks.  Again, I’m at 3.5 weeks NC.  I miss her. Wish I didn’t. Go dark on her please. 

[JayWay]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is there someone else?  She's too all over the place. 

Agree. Mine is just like her. Way all over the place. She might have issues to really work on, but he should just more or less ghost her at this point. It sucks.  But, I think she’s being really selfish towards him.  Yet, oddly, stupidly, I can’t even hear my own advice with that. Smh.  I still think “she’s just really confused, I’m waiting for her, she’ll realize everything and such”. I know it’s dumb.  How his family said it makes no sense, that’s exactly what people are saying about mine.   

[JayWay]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Also?

This woman sounds like a teenager, mentally. 

She sounds like mine. Mine did same. Of curse i cried and begged like a idiot while she was hugging, kissing me, holding my hand telling me “don’t disappear”.  This has been worse breakup I’ve ever gone through. Worse than my ex and our custody battle.  She does sound like teenager. 

[JayWay]

15 hours ago, lovesflame said:

I bet it’s more so some other dude .

 

it’s not the ex because she hates him and he was a literal abuser and she’s past that . 
it’s not my business though. When she says see other people that’s what shows me this is over and done with 

but it could be some new cool dude and I would be happy for her . 

Well, mine told me not see other people. Plus told me “don’t disappear”.  That’s opposite in our cases.  I agree, her saying that seems she wants cake and eat it too?  I think.  Really bizarre how you hear “see other people”, and I hear complete opposite and I hear to basically “wait”.  Apparently. 

[JayWay]

8 hours ago, lovesflame said:

Yes I agree. So I thought I was going to be ok but I’m not sure. I feel so bad and having another woman to date lined up isn’t helping me.

 I am not really sure why I called my ex to tell her don’t worry I will be ok after she left today, but I thought it was the right thing to do. 

all her crying and sobbing about how she didn’t want to hurt me and trying to appease me with gifts and hugs and kisses none of it actually matters to me because she is not here with me .she tried to let me down as easy as possible and not break my heart but it’s broken it really is broken . She really doesn’t want me anymore 

You called because you have empathy. You have genuine feelings.  You aren’t selfish. It does zero good letting people down easy. Men or women, should just be blunt. Just say “it’s sucks, don’t like you anymore, move on”.  None of this garbage about “wait”.  I’m sorry it’s broken. I understand that. It will take time to heal.  Focus on you and kid, work, working out and such. Don’t let that slip. I slipped for few days here there. It’s hard.  I do feel if you go dark on her, she’ll get rude awakening.  And going dark on her is hard for you because you have that empathy and care for her.  As people tell me, “why give person like that your empathy and heart when she’s trashing it and she full well knows you’d wait for her”.  It’s fair point.  I’ve said that about “she doesn’t want me”.  It hurts me worse. My therapist said “tell yourself in baby steps things like - ‘she doesn’t want me currently, my son does, I want myself, family friends want me better or at my best and they aren’t throwing away my heart”.  I know too about her not there.  I kills me she hasn’t been here and I haven’t even cooked for us (as small example).   Please do not date.  It will hurt worse.