going on a break to Reevaluate

[JayWay]

1 hour ago, lovesflame said:

I think she tried her best to not hurt me but it was so immature as you say and she tried to not be the bad guy as the comment above yours says and that didn’t help .

 

I wonder why I asked her for a break instead of accepting she was done with me 30 days ago?

could I have done anything different to help her want to stay with me ?

 

 I do believe she’s not in the place to be in a relationship with me. She is being honest about that .

 I have not had a break up before where the person still loves me and had great feelings towards me but still is the one who breaks it off.

it is very confusing. 
 

do you think I didn’t handle the breaking up the right way to keep her from leaving?

she told me we either break up or take your idea of 30 day break... 

I feel like I could’ve maybe talked better during this time apart and kept the connection going . 
 

am I being misguided to blame myself for this not reconciling .

 

You might naturally blame yourself. I do. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were calm, flexible, willing, collected.  I was crying begging. Same results currently. So there isn’t anything you did wrong or done different.  I’m sorry you’re going through this. A couple people have told me when a breakup happens kinda suddenly, and it’s more confusing that usually because someone else is involved. I hate hearing that. Then they’ve said, it doesn’t last, that person then flocks back and the person they bailed on initially is gone. 

[lovesflame]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She had already decided. My guess is that she felt she "owed" it to you to at least go through the motions of a 30-day break, and maybe thought this was the softer way out. But the result would have been the same. I know you're blaming yourself, and it's hard not to do so, but her moving out was the indication that it was already over and not going to come back together. 

Do you happen to know who she couch-surfed with? 

Yea she went by herself with this and met this girl she had met on a party rave boat a year ago. Totally random.

why is it so hard to not blame myself ??

 I think she tried to give me the 30 days like it was a favor but really I just hurt myself .

she kept saying when she moved out things would get better but didn’t give us a chance to.

 I do believe her saying she meant all the vows with the matching tattoos and being together for life. But people say things and break promises and life changes .

 I am not going to be better in one day or two .

 I don’t think I can be her friend at this time and I don’t understand why she thinks I can but i need to be honest with myself because all I think is if we are friends she will fall in love with me again. 
I have to accept this for what it is .

also dating someone else is not going to do anything good for me right now 

[lovesflame]

4 hours ago, JayWay said:My therapist said “tell yourself in baby steps things like - ‘she doesn’t want me currently, my son does, I want myself, family friends want me better or at my best and they aren’t throwing away my heart”.  I know too about her not there.  I kills me she hasn’t been here and I haven’t even cooked for us (as small example).   Please do not date.  It will hurt worse.  

I think that’s good ideas to say to oneself from your therapist.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, lovesflame said:

I don’t think I can be her friend at this time and I don’t understand why she thinks I can but i need to be honest with myself because all I think is if we are friends she will fall in love with me again. 
I have to accept this for what it is .

also dating someone else is not going to do anything good for me right now 

She likely isn't giving that much thought to it, really. She says she wants to be friends, but more often that not, dumpers say this more as a way to soften the blow rather than a genuine intention to remain good friends. In the months following a break-up, exes usually naturally just drift apart. 

As for dating, no, it's not a good idea right now. I don't see anyone really suggesting you do so, either. I think your ex only mentioned this because she knows she will not exclude other men, if she happens to meet someone who catches her interest. She doesn't want you to wait for her, but I don't think anyone would recommend you actually try to meet another woman right now. 

It's going to take time to process, and not bargain with yourself that you can somehow get her to fall in love with you again. It will take time to accept that this has come to an end. Be patient and kind with yourself, and do not reach out to her. 

[lovesflame]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's going to take time to process, and not bargain with yourself that you can somehow get her to fall in love with you again. It will take time to accept that this has come to an end. Be patient and kind with yourself, and do not reach out to her. 

Thank you for this compassion and thoughtful message.

 

it is hard for me to accept this new reality. I had about a three week break and that didn’t help either because I still remember daily life with her.

and as you said I am trying to convince myself that I can get her back together again and that’s not happening anytime in the near future .

 I know it’s the same hard experience for so many people I know who couldn’t make it through quarantine.

 I feel it’s sad for so many . I know it’s not just me. 
 

i truly think if we keep hanging. Out I will believe we are getting back together and that will just make this happen again for another time so I have to spend time with others or myself in different ways.

[lovesflame]

I really think taking the 30 day break was like breaking up twice . This is so hard . I cry each morning and have nightmares most nights .

 

 I had an ok day but I think about what she said during this talk over and over again. 
I think she made it pretty clear nothing romantic in the future she wouldn’t even agree to be open to the chance we take it slow again . There’s nothing I can say.

she told me focus on herself 

I deserve more

right person wrong time

 Can’t be there for me she had to be there for herself....

all these things don’t mean much 

then she told me how much she loved me and was going to marry me and push our dumb matching finger tattoos together.

anyways my point here is that I am just not feeling well. I don’t understand how it goes from deep in love to this but that’s the way love goes ...

the thing is that I loved her even more because she was depressed and hurting it made me care even more but people don’t want that sometimes. I don’t understand...

depression is serious ... she has a history of it . I didn’t really listen . I don’t know how serious it can be but I don’t want to blame it on depression it’s just she can’t be with me for her reasons .

 I keep thinking about if I will be her friend still or hang out this weekend ??

That will just make me think she’s coming back ... I’m screwed this is my new miserable life 

[maggiemtn]

Her problems are not your responsibility. She made it very clear things are over. It’s only your “new miserable life” if you choose that route. As you said, the break was like breaking up twice. So don’t relive the breakup over and over again by being her “friend” right now. I put that term in quotes because it’s impossible not to have ulterior motives at this point. You still have no romantic feelings for her so you’re not just looking to be a friend, but hoping for something more in return. It’s going to hurt when you don’t get that, and it’ll build up to resentment.
 

Everyone needs time and space before, if ever, they can be friends again. I believe my ex knows I wish him well, I sincerely hope the best for him, and if he were truly in a bind I’d be there, but I’m not going to be his buddy. I made it clear that he needs to respect he feels different about our breakup than I do. He’s hurting but didn’t have his life up-ended. He’s had more time to come to terms with it than I have. Exes hardly ever make good friends. They’re memories, good and bad, and lessons learned. 

[lovesflame]

25 minutes ago, maggiemtn said:

. They’re memories, good and bad, and lessons learned. 

Yes. Memories I learned nothing really yet . I learned someone will truly love me and my ex before and my daughters mom and all others didn’t actually love me so that was interesting to learn .

did your ex also catch you off guard by surprise? Like have sex two days before breaking up ?

 I think people often want to stay and break up at the same time some let the feeling build some live with the tension and some just break up .

 I just feel I miss her more as a friend than anything else ...

 I don’t even like her thsg muchbkast time I saw her and I think she’s not gosh amazing anymore but I just can’t explain it  I’m so disappointed by the loss . 
I thought she was my wife she said it and told everyone that.

but really I miss the daily life we were never apart she kissed me and called me pet names and inside jokes and said she loved and appreciated me over and over again every single day .

 I became like fixed on it like addicted and so the whole time she wanted to just leave ?

that’s what was so confusing she would love me so dramatic and also say she needed space and to move out for months . Then say come be near me and drown me in love .

 I’m so useless without her . My career my dumb accomplishments and my poems are all worth nothing to me . She built me up and now I’m broken and empty and without lov3

and loving myself is no substitute. I hate every day 

[maggiemtn]

Yes, he did catch me by surprise in the same way. However I did feel something was bothering him so I asked. I had no idea it’d be a breakup conversation. I was pretty stunned. 
 

My ex was confused at first and wanted time to think. I gave him that as long as I could but it drove me nuts and it didn’t change his ultimate decision not to continue with the relationship. Sometimes, these things just happen. 
 

You will heal if you cut off contact. You will slowly stop analyzing everything she said or did and wondering why. You will learn to love yourself again. You’ll find yourself laughing at a funny moment on TV, a meme, or thinking about something other than your ex. Saturday will be 6 weeks since my breakup and the day before, I was thinking I might get an engagement ring for Christmas, we were talking about kids. Then it all disappeared in front of my eyes with one conversation. In 6 weeks, my mental health has gotten so much better. I’ve accepted the breakup is for the best and I look forward to a new chapter in my life. You will get there but the fastest way to do so is implementing No Contact ASAP. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, lovesflame said:

 i keep thinking about if I will be her friend still or hang out this weekend ?

Don't. She's too unstable. The longer you hang on the more damage there'll be.

She has way too many issues. Her words are almost gibberish. Stop and collect yourself.

Try not to mistake intensity for love or intimacy.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't. She's too unstable. The longer you hang on the more damage there'll be.

She has way too many issues. Her words are almost gibberish. Stop and collect yourself.

Try not to mistake intensity for love or intimacy.

All of this, OP, especially the bolded. 

Hanging out with her would be a huge mistake and hurt you way too much. She is not a reliable candidate for a happy life together; you admittedly saw some red flags about her even prior to her telling you she needed space. She came into this relationship with her own issues and doesn't appear to have worked on them at all during this "break."

Don't pin all your happiness on one person, ever. Losing your bearings to the degree that you feel everything else is worthless indicates this was not a healthy relationship for you, either. 

 

[lovesflame]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

She has way too many issues. Her words are almost gibberish. Stop and collect yourself.

 

Thank you for helping .

what she says almost doesn’t make any sense I told two people everything and they were stunned she didn’t want to get back together with me and also they both say they’ve never seen this before .

 I mean no one comes to a breakup conversation and acts that way .

it doesn’t ultimately matter I have to collect myself as you said 

 

[lovesflame]

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She is not a reliable candidate for a happy life together; you admittedly saw some red flags about her even prior to her telling you she needed space. She came into this relationship with her own issues and doesn't appear to have worked on them at all during this "break."

Don't pin all your happiness on one person, ever. 

 

Those are both true . First though her mom told me that This would happen the day we moved in together . Told me do you really want her ? Told me she does things on her own terms and needs lots of alone time and gets in depression.

 I thought it was another example of her mom not understanding her. Also I thought I being high everyday was no big deal .

another reason I am so unhappy is that I don’t do the things I loved to do before I had covid because I still am not feeling 100 percent except write . I am not who I used to be . It’s  an excuse but I can’t work out currently .

 I feel like I don’t know what to do without having her to be there for I haven’t even cooked and I used to basically every day .

 Am I still just not able to see clearly what’s wrong here ?

 I still blame myself for being insecure also for getting mad at her phone log that day and being wrong .... she still brought that up the last time we spoke 

 

[lovesflame]

7 hours ago, maggiemtn said:
 

Then it all disappeared in front of my eyes with one conversation. In 6 weeks, my mental health has gotten so much better. I’ve accepted the breakup is for the best and I look forward to a new chapter in my life. You will get there but the fastest way to do so is implementing No Contact ASAP. 

I am sorry that happened. I am glad you are doing better than you were.

 I also simply said is there something wrong and then it was a breakup conversation.

 I wonder this question if they actually values the relationship then they would have tried to talk or work it out before jumping to a breakup ?

 I think you’re right looking for answers is not how to move forward and I have to just accept it one day 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

Am I still just not able to see clearly what’s wrong here ?

 I still blame myself for being insecure also for getting mad at her phone log that day and being wrong .... she still brought that up the last time we spoke 

Well, yeah, because that shifts any responsibility from herself to you. It "justifies" her departure without her having to take any accountability for her own questionable behaviour. 

I think the problem is that you didn't know her very well when you decided to start living together, so you based your future with her on very limited knowledge of who she actually is. This is why fast-forwarding a relationship, pandemic or not, is not smart. You didn't have a solid enough foundation together to really predict how this relationship would unfold. You are learning now who she is  - as a person - and it's now what you thought it would be. 

Yes, you had your part in this. But so did she. Her mom knew that it probably wouldn't go well. She gets high every day? Cries to you about other men who have hurt her? This woman is messy and immature, all on her own. 

[lovesflame]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: 

I think the problem is that you didn't know her very well when you decided to start living together, so you based your future with her on very limited knowledge of who she is

Yes, you had your part in this. But so did she. Her mom knew that it probably wouldn't go well. She gets high every day? Cries to you about other men who have hurt her? This woman is messy and immature, all on her own. 

 

she does have her own huge part to play.

she did tell me I loved her at her worst .

she maybe really does believe she’s in no place to be in a relationship and needs to work on herself ... 

but my question still remains if I was the “perfect partner “ and I was everything she ever wanted in a man and she wanted to marry me and we did our own ceremony etc. and she still says I am such a wonderful man- why leave me? Why break up?

 

it doesn’t make sense . It can’t really be over a couple stupid fights where I said something wrong .

[ExpatInItaly]

21 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

but my question still remains if I was the “perfect partner “ and I was everything she ever wanted in a man and she wanted to marry me and we did our own ceremony etc. and she still says I am such a wonderful man- why leave me? Why break up?

Because she doesn't have the heart to deliver it you straight, so she dresses it up in frilly words to make it sound "better."

You can be a wonderful man, but not the right man for her. And honestly? That's probably a good thing. I don't think the future you dreamed of with her would have come true anyway. 

[notbroken]

Sounds like she has someone else in mind or is actually with them (maybe on/off - she isn't sure it will work out).   It really doesn't matter.  Your relationship is over. You have to move on.  Go no contact with her.   Completely.   Your relationship is over and even if you got back with her it would just be temporary and cause you more pain.   "Pull the bandaid off".  Tell her you are 100% done with her - and do it.   Best wishes. 

[lovesflame]

I spoke with her over dinner the other night .

it turns out that she is moving across the country for a new job. 
 

we had a fun time laughing and hanging out .

sometimes in life people have to live their own life path and I made the biggest mistake of taking it personally because I love her yet sometimes people love you but still need to go in a different way .

taking it personally and making narratice about yourself because of the rejection. 

Sometimes it’s not about you . Yes grieving is expected but then you become a new person and you still have great memeories .

also if it’s meant to be in the future one day then what’s meant to be will be.

 I have remained friends with an ex I have  never spoke to an ex before I have had to separate and keep talking in custody battles but overall I love this woman the most because it was the most special bond to me in this lifetime .

 I actually feel better and I wonder how confused and lost I would be if I truly blocked her and never spoke to her .

that would’ve been immature anyways .

so I think there’s lesson in pain and I am sad about everything and I hope I could come back with a happier ending here ... yet the story goes on 

[lovesflame]

She moved away-driving all the way across the country. I sent her a going away present- a poem (I am a poet) and she replied- thanked me and said she will always have love for me.

I didn't see her the days before she left and maybe that would've just been harder.

But anyways I am back on here because today I cried- at the park, in my car, in my bed and then I ran into some old friends and had some tea randomly. I am just having a rough time.

I keep wondering what really happened. I think she was depressed a lot of the time this year. Just so sad and tired- didn't clean up, wouldn't fold clothes for months, slept a lot, would zone out. perhaps that is depression.

I still loved her and she was my best friend too. She said so many kind things to me about me as a person and who I am.

Ok, so I am just wondering- many people were wrong here about another person being involved (I said that wasn't that case!) but after all my long posts- does anyone have any idea why  she left?

It seems like a crisis to find herself and contribute more to her own finances and identity. Discover who she is now.

I really don't know. It wasn't the best times but I really don't think I was that bad. many people have told me wanting a text when you're SO is out after 1am is not that needy or insecure. I didn't text a lot just wanted to know if she was OK because I would worry about her driving while stoned.

and the thing I did about her ex calling her was truly terrible I regret it everyday of my life, but many told me that could be worked through, plus we were together for more than half a year after that happened.

I kept improving myself all year through classes, seminars, inner work, caring for others, therapy, etc.

But am I just too messed up to have  a wonderful woman like her?

Anyways thanks I really need insight today (not on what to do because obviously it is just time to stop talking to her) but just any other perspectives on this.

Thank you

 

[maggiemtn]

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. Analyzing why she left and trying to find reason to it is a pointless exercise. The simple truth is oftentimes people just fall out of love. They were having a good time, got bored or unhappy, started to think about leaving, then left. People’s life goals change all the time, their situations and emotions change. It just happens. There is no rhyme or reason to it a lot of the time. It’s human nature. 

[Marc878]

If you look back you’ll probably see this was planned out by her. Dumpers try and let you down easy then the let’s be “friends” thing to alleviate their guilt. That’s all for them not you.

Hopefully you’ll be smarter and wiser for your next relationship 

[lovesflame]

Thanks. I can hardly function anymore. I go to work but mostly cry all weekend. I don't even have a sex drive anymore.

I don't know why I am blaming myself so much.

I guess love doesn;t always last long

[Marc878]

17 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

Thanks. I can hardly function anymore. I go to work but mostly cry all weekend. I don't even have a sex drive anymore.

I don't know why I am blaming myself so much.

I guess love doesn;t always last long

A lot in your circumstances want it to be their fault. Perhaps to say to themselves if I’m at fault I could fix this. Then you chase, want to talk, apologize, beg for another chance to do better, write her a long letter pouring your heart out (everyone seems to try this and it’s pathetic/worthless). Live on hopium for a year or so for nothing but wasting your time/life.

Or you just can’t believe this is really who she is and try to make excuses for her. It’s pretty common to do this. And you’d be wrong. She made that choice and it was all on her. Her actions tell you that. 

I would add like most dumpers she was too cowardly to tell you the truth upfront so she strung you along. She didn’t want to deal with it so she used you for her own selfish reasons.

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

 

perhaps it would do you good to read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glass.  It’s a free pdf download and it’s short.

 

Edited February 7, 2021 by Marc878

[Marc878]

The thing you don’t get is she wasn’t right for you. That’ll become apparent once you wake up and reflect back.

learn from this.