Can this work

[BaileyB]

Further, if I may... 

Listening to you talk about this most recent interest, it was the first time that you really seemed to step outside of your comfort zone/your rigid thinking about what you want and what dating should be. I heard you say things like, “I’m doing things that I’ve never done before and I actually like it” (because I’m with her) and “I’m just trying to enjoy the moment.” Unfortunately, you set your sights on a woman who was not reciprocating your interest, but these are the things that will bring you success with dating... and when you are with the right woman, this is how dating should feel. So, all is not lost...

Unfortunately, with your disappointment you have gone back to the rigidity and  you’ve doubled down on your self limiting way of thinking... but, I did have hope that through this experience you would gain a new and different way of thinking about dating and relationships. 

[Weezy1973]

22 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I heard you say things like, “I’m doing things that I’ve never done before and I actually like it” (because I’m with her) and “I’m just trying to enjoy the moment.”

These were very similar to what he was saying about K, a previous interest. Another friend that he had hopes to turn into more. 

[ZA Dater]

30 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Further, if I may... 

Listening to you talk about this most recent interest, it was the first time that you really seemed to step outside of your comfort zone/your rigid thinking about what you want and what dating should be. I heard you say things like, “I’m doing things that I’ve never done before and I actually like it” (because I’m with her) and “I’m just trying to enjoy the moment.” Unfortunately, you set your sights on a woman who was not reciprocating your interest, but these are the things that will bring you success with dating... and when you are with the right woman, this is how dating should feel. So, all is not lost...

Unfortunately, with your disappointment you have gone back to the rigidity and  you’ve doubled down on your self limiting way of thinking... but, I did have hope that through this experience you would gain a new and different way of thinking about dating and relationships. 

Thank you for some praise and encouragement. 

The flip side is it takes a very special person who really piques me interest and who actually engages with me to actually get to step out, I did it because I realized (foolishly) that there was enough in common that for the first time ever I actually had a viable chance. I have no doubt it is great but I need to feel something and I did with her but I very rarely feel that ever, perhaps 3 or 4 times in 20 years.

No there is unfortunately no new way because once again the disappointment is tangible as well as predictable. Those experiences were so good I know they wont be bettered so its in some respects easier to just close the book completely and as I have said before know I did the best I could and had the best experience I could have. I am going to thank her for giving me those experiences because I am genuinely thankful.

[ZA Dater]

10 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

These were very similar to what he was saying about K, a previous interest. Another friend that he had hopes to turn into more. 

K always ring fenced me, every was and still is very compartmentalized in the sense it was and is a working relationship. Very little personal sharing actually happens, ironically I did turn to her for advice with this lady.

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Nobody is saying for you to date people you find unattractive yet you keep spewing this sentence as if this is the advice.

I’ve said to get into situations where you meet the same people over and over which gives the opportunity for people to grow more attractive to you over time. So by the time you’re dating, you actually are genuinely attracted to them! 
 

I think it’s clear to everybody at this point that the type of women you’re attracted to on a superficial level are not interested in you. Beautiful women want beautiful men. Fair enough. So your only chance is to give “growing attraction” a chance. But now’s your queue for saying “no woman has ever given me a chance, so why should I.”  How do you know? Maybe this woman gave you chance but the attraction didn’t grow. Just because someone gave you the chance doesn’t mean that you did grow on them over time. 

I’d say living a lonely life is not a good option. Hard to come to peace with it. Living a life staying single is a fine option if a relationship is out of the question. Most people would develop close friendships and become active in their community. We’re social animals. Being alone meant death in our evolutionary past (although not now) so we’re driven to connect with other people. You don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to do that.

The bold is frankly impossible, winning the lottery would be easier. BUT I get what you are saying and respect that viewpoint that yes it COULD work if someone had mainstream hobbies, which I do not.

I find this lady attractive on ALL levels that is what I am trying to say there is not one thing that stands out, she stands out in totality. Yes I agree, growing attraction which is exactly what I hoped to do here until I was out muscled MR throw everything but the kitchen sink, if people give a chance it might be helpful to actually verbalize that, the truth of the matter is she spent more time with me than with him, whole days but then again I was not trying to "jump her" as she told someone else "all the guys do here is want to jump me". 

I have always lived a lonely life I just need to find better ways to just deal with and rationalize that fact. Now that I have had some companionship I realize how less than ideal it is but you know what we cant all have what we want, can we. Quite clearly any relationship for me is out of the question I will just have to not think about everything I am missing out on, of which there are lots, enough to loose some sleep over, or quite a lot of sleep depending on the evening.

For me its always been a case of "what would it be like....." almost everything with dating starts with that and I have long list of those things....which I threw in the bin 30 min ago.

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

No there is unfortunately no new way because once again the disappointment is tangible as well as predictable.

It’s predictable for all the reasons discussed at length in this thread - you chose another woman that was essentially unavailable/not interested and you didn’t assert yourself in a way that she would even consider you as a romantic partner. 

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, normal person said:

Per an earlier post of mine a few pages back, "I won't lie and say money, looks, status, etc aren't very important to lots of people, but for you to suggest it's all that matters to everyone is quite a reach [...]" Revisit the post. You still want to make things out like only the richest, best looking men have any success, and that 99% of people don't end up with the best looking, well monied people, and the numbers don't even begin to add up. Will you have a better choice in partner the richer, more attractive you are? Absolutely. But it doesn't mean billions of other people don't fit in the spectrum somewhere else and still manage to find happiness.

Also, unless I've been mislead, you are successful. You willingly put your picture as a thumbnail, presumably because you're not ashamed of it, and you look handsome. Relative to an awful lot of people, particularly in your country, you are in an upper echelon of society. You've got money to own and/or drive supercars, you've got the time affluence to post here endlessly, you clearly aren't working in the diamond mines from dawn to dusk for pennies a day, sleeping in Soweto. Without being presumptuous, it seems you're pretty well insulated from the all the horrible things I hear happening in your country and you may even be living a bit of the high life. So someone else being better off or better looking than you doesn't discount the fact that you're still in an immeasurably more favorable situation than countless people who've done what you're trying to do. 

Yeah, but that doesn't mean my advice can't be applied to you because keeping a woman's attention and affection without deceit or underhandedness often requires a lot of the same mindset being endorsed here too. And guess what? Even if plenty of woman wanted to give me attention, plenty of those eventually thought I wasn't worth more of it for whatever reason, for both things within my control and things beyond it. I've learned what attitudes and behaviors are appealing and which aren't. A lot of it is counterintuitive and illogical -- for example, there are times when women probably thought I was weak for being tactful, honorable, not pushy, much like yourself. I may not have been in your exact shoes but that doesn't mean we aren't running the same race. Also, having a woman pay attention to you is not a magic bullet that will make you happy in the long term. Imagine if this woman became romantically interested in you for a week or two, you got to go out, hold hands, sleep with each other, etc. Then soon after, she decides you aren't the guy for her and ghosts you. While you might be proud of your initial "success," eventually you'd be back here just as miserable as you were before. 

It's not that there's nothing good. From my perception, it's more that few women are going to care about those good things if you conduct yourself in ways that aren't conducive to romance. For example, your willingness and eagerness to just be this woman's friend makes you seem weak and desperate. It doesn't matter how nice, kind, receptive, whatever you are to her, the perceived weakness and the "just happy you spend time with me because no one else will" attitude you broadcast will likely keep her from ever seriously considering you as a suitor.

All the good things you have would count for something if you didn't instantly negate them with other behaviors and attitudes people here are trying to rid you of. The here issue doesn't seem like there's nothing good, it's that you're hell bent on refusing to jettison what's bad. I'm sure she really does appreciate your friendship -- your reliability, your trustworthiness, etc. But as I've tried to explain to you multiple times, that alone, or that in combination with other behaviors that void your sex appeal, probably isn't going to move you from just friends to something else. You have money and you're not an ogre, but in terms of her desire, you're yet to show her you're a man. Until then, the other stuff doesn't matter.

I read this carefully and more than once.

Ok I concede you are right BUT tell me what I am always at the loosing end there is never a circumstance where I can win out over better looking, wealthier, more characterful guys, more fun guys. I think the concept of happiness is important, I wont be happy settling, I simply would not and there is no situation where I would be happy with doing that. Try motivating yourself to get back into the ring and getting kicked and punched to the ground time and time again, I have no motivation to do it anymore, really I do not, its not like there is anything amazing waiting for me if I try again, nor is there anyone to try with. I always feel like dating is just guys lining up to be chosen, yes some can choose due to the aforementioned by the rest, well we seem to need to beg and grovel, which is fine IF you actually pitching yourself at the people you find attractive. 

I am not as well insulated from the realities of SA as you might think, everyday I deal with realities you read about to lesser and greater degrees, adversity is a great teacher but inspiration and belief are a great healer. Am I better off than many yes, does it make me any different to them, no it does not. I'd probably be quite happy to have a relationship of two weeks with someone I really like because I'd value the experience more and probably like now I can simply pack it away and say "ok that is as good as it gets, I have done what I wanted to do". That is the thing, the amazing things in my life never last for long so my entire play was to simply do the best I can, really enjoy what I want to accomplish and if she does not want me anymore simply just move on. For me attention means a lot because I literally never get it, so having some of it made a HUGE different to me because it was something I always wanted, wondered what it would be like and yes it was better than I thought. I did not have to walk around with the void which does effect other areas of life, more than anyone who knows me actually knows, it does hurt to never get anywhere, it does hurt to sit and think "flip when I am ever going to meet someone special", I am pretty strong but those things do hurt.

Would you say the following is fair, I simply did not know how to be more with her, I wanted to date her but every time I put me foot in the water I get bitten, why would this have been any different, as it turns out the result would have been the same. The risk was huge and the only way I thought I could mitigate that was to do as my friend said "just be her friend", so I did as I was told. Was it poor advice, maybe it was, was it designed so I would not get rejected and hurt, maybe that too.

I don't have any sex appeal, if I did I would not be a 37yo virgin, that is really the bottom line. To me dating is a puzzle and cant ever get the pieces to fit together, instead of sitting with puzzles I'd rathe just look out the window, let what is simple be. Agreed maybe they would count for something but definitely not with people I find attractive. I may have one last throw of the dice but inevitably that is going to be a nuclear bomb type scenario. I am unfortunately also only too aware you cannot make someone like you, or maybe you can, nothing I have experiences suggests this to be the case.

You do actually get me though so appreciate the advice.

[ZA Dater]

13 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s predictable for all the reasons discussed at length in this thread - you chose another woman that was essentially unavailable/not interested and you didn’t assert yourself in a way that she would even consider you as a romantic partner. 

Cant disagree, none of them are ever interested in me and I have no idea how to assert myself so its loss loss no matter how the dice fall.

[normal person]

56 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Ok I concede you are right BUT tell me what I am always at the loosing end there is never a circumstance where I can win out over better looking, wealthier, more characterful guys, more fun guys.

I appreciate the humility this time around. Those things matter and will get you attention. While those things alone might be enough for some people to coast on, it's not enough for you to convert into success, which is basically how it is for most people others too. Think about this: let's say you meet a beautiful, rich foreigner who doesn't speak English, and you don't speak her native language. Let's even assume, for these purposes, she likes your look, smiles at you, and is in no rush to get away from you. She's curious about you, you're curious about her, you're both up to each others' standard of look, success, etc. Can you make things go any further with this woman? Probably not, because while you may have the prerequisites and the initial interest, you don't have the ability to move things along in any meaningful way; you literally can't communicate with each other. Which is sort of what I sense happened with this new woman of yours: you may meet the financial/physical/social requirements, but you don't yet know enough the unspoken language and dynamics to convert what you do have into the success you want. She, and these men that you lose out to, are more fluent in an unspoken, subtle, social dialect that you haven't figured out yet. So when you think you can just "be a great friend and hope that she likes [you],"  you're hoping she thinks "wow, what a great guy," but in the native tongue all you're saying is "I'm a weak man," and she believes it. Yeah, you have good qualities, now it's time to start learning how to stop shooting yourself in the foot with the language. 

56 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I think the concept of happiness is important, I wont be happy settling, I simply would not and there is no situation where I would be happy with doing that.

 Everyone thinks happiness is important. But think also think about the time value of achieving your happiness, and the cost of the unhappiness your current attitudes have had. At some point, I'd think you'd have to wonder if a slight compromise might yield you more happiness than the cost. No one's partner is 100% perfect and without flaw. You might only find someone who you think is 80% perfect, and guess what? They're going to have to make the same choices as you won't be 100% perfect either. But you can learn to deal with things about other people that aren't necessarily what you hoped, you can adapt, you can learn to appreciate them, and you can be happier than you initially thought, just in a different way. 

56 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

For me attention means a lot because I literally never get it, so having some of it made a HUGE different to me because it was something I always wanted, wondered what it would be like and yes it was better than I thought.

You're putting a ceiling on your happiness; hedging it, and in this case it actively prevented you from achieving what you truly desire. You chose the safe, small gain which is not enough to sustain your happiness in the long run. No one here wanted that for you, everyone was giving you advice with the bigger, much more sustainable happiness in mind. It doesn't mean you would've gotten it, but the smaller gains will never be big ones in these situations until you say "I'm not satisfied with 'just' a friendship, I need to go for what I want," and learn from those mistakes. Hopefully by this point you've learned enough from the mistakes of your methods to know that they aren't viable. 

56 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

To me dating is a puzzle and cant ever get the pieces to fit together,

Yeah, and we're trying to help you figure it out, saying "I've done this one before, what you should do is sift through all the pieces and start with the corners first." So next time, don't say "No, I'm just going to start in the middle because I already have some of those pieces in my hand."

[dramafreezone]

7 hours ago, normal person said:

Right? I mean, if he's so starved of human kindness that he'll practically deify this girl for talking to him, it does kind of put in a bad taste in my mouth when he asks for the benefit of others' experiences, only to fall back in "well in my experience, women only like rich playboys, I can't be that, so you're wrong and I won't listen to you."

ZA - I don't doubt that you've had a hard life or that people have treated you unfairly, but I think you've been shown a lot of kindness and patience here in a totally one-sided relationship with a lot posters. I think it'd be advantageous for you to at least acknowledge and value the investment put in you so people don't totally feel like their time has been wasted. I think it'd also be helpful if you finally ditched the hyperbole and dramatizations, or were at least more considerate of some nuance. If you honestly thought you were 100% right about all these things, the severity and hopelessness of the situations, you'd stop posting about it. But as it stands, it seems like you still want to post about it but argue down most attempts to convince you otherwise, which often feels like a waste of time. It makes it feel like you'd rather simply win an argument than graciously accept a new point of view that you can learn from and apply. So what's the point in that, for either you or anyone attempting to help? I can't help but wonder if this sort of thing permeates into your life offline.

Yeah that's why I'm done with offering advice to him.  For someone that calls himself such a kind and nice guy, he's pretty dismissive of everyone, not at all appearing to even entertain the possiblity that others might know things that he doesn't.  I can't care more about solving his issues than he cares.

OP, I've seen you speak in insulting terms towards other guys.   Being a kind person isn't just about being kind to women who you'd like to have sex with, it's about being kind to everyone.  Otherwise it's just a front and I'm guessing that's one reason why women don't trust you.  They're very intuitive and can sense when someone isn't congruent, and is just acting a certain way to gain their favor.

Edited March 17, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Cant disagree, none of them are ever interested in me and I have no idea how to assert myself so its loss loss no matter how the dice fall.

We’ve all given plenty of tips on how to assert yourself. It’s not that you don’t know. You just don’t want to take the risk. Understandable, yet will yield the same results no matter what. Rejection won’t kill you. Especially if you can understand that being rejected has nothing to do with you.

This woman didn’t reject you FYI, because you never risked it. But it still feels like a rejection right? So not taking the risk, and taking the risk yields the same result (assuming rejection). So why not take the risk? You agree that confidence is a trait women are attracted to? Taking risks signals confidence. A “I’ll be fine no matter the outcome” attitude. 

Edited March 17, 2021 by Weezy1973

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

The bold is frankly impossible,

It’s not. You’re just not willing to do it. Story of your life.

[dramafreezone]

56 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

It’s not. You’re just not willing to do it. Story of your life.

Same pattern, we offer advice and he says it can't happen.  He says he doesn't have anything in common with anyone, I suggested that he try new hobbies to see if he might like something else, he says he doesn't want to do that.    He's not trying.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

Same pattern, we offer advice and he says it can't happen.  He says he doesn't have anything in common with anyone, I suggested that he try new hobbies to see if he might like something else, he says he doesn't want to do that.    He's not trying.

I simply not have the time. It's as simple as that and being so contrived as zero appeal even either. Doing something for the sake of maybe meeting someone does not intrest me and I know people that so this, pretend to be interested in things they have no interest in. I have yet to see this ever work in a meaningful way.

As I say I am done, just going to admit total defeat here and just try my best to rationalize the situation, take whatever good there is and just live with this void as best I can.

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

We’ve all given plenty of tips on how to assert yourself. It’s not that you don’t know. You just don’t want to take the risk. Understandable, yet will yield the same results no matter what. Rejection won’t kill you. Especially if you can understand that being rejected has nothing to do with you.

This woman didn’t reject you FYI, because you never risked it. But it still feels like a rejection right? So not taking the risk, and taking the risk yields the same result (assuming rejection). So why not take the risk? You agree that confidence is a trait women are attracted to? Taking risks signals confidence. A “I’ll be fine no matter the outcome” attitude. 

I did once try kiss someone after a date the look of horror on her face will be something I will not forget so no I an not keen to ever try that again.

Being rejected has everything to do with me, it's because I don't meet the criteria and I an not attractive, if I were I wouldn't get rejected really begin with.

Where is the risk reward for me, there just isn't any which makes it even easier relatively speaking to just give up. It's utterly pointless to keep going at this when the outcomes remain the same.

If I am honest I am too honest, why is it there is nothing wrong with being inexperienced I am shunned for it and told to pretend I am not?

[ZA Dater]

5 hours ago, normal person said:

I appreciate the humility this time around. Those things matter and will get you attention. While those things alone might be enough for some people to coast on, it's not enough for you to convert into success, which is basically how it is for most people others too. Think about this: let's say you meet a beautiful, rich foreigner who doesn't speak English, and you don't speak her native language. Let's even assume, for these purposes, she likes your look, smiles at you, and is in no rush to get away from you. She's curious about you, you're curious about her, you're both up to each others' standard of look, success, etc. Can you make things go any further with this woman? Probably not, because while you may have the prerequisites and the initial interest, you don't have the ability to move things along in any meaningful way; you literally can't communicate with each other.

 Everyone thinks happiness is important.  

You're putting a ceiling on your happiness; hedging it, and in this case it actively prevented you from achieving what you truly desire. You chose the safe, small gain which is not enough to sustain your happiness in the long run. No one here wanted that for you, everyone was giving you advice with the bigger, much more sustainable happiness in mind. It doesn't mean you would've gotten it, but the smaller gains will never be big ones in these situations until you say "I'm not satisfied with 'just' a friendship, I need to go for what I want," and learn from those mistakes. Hopefully by this point you've learned enough from the mistakes of your methods to know that they aren't viable. 

 

Ok let me tell you what I have learnt, simply I am not an attractive person, if I was I'd have had some success. It's absolutely abnormal to have had no success at all. I have learnt you must just jump without doing any risk assessment but when I do the results are always negative. Mostly I have just learnt if you have no success over a prolonged period of time in hindsight I should have given up 5 years ago. I still maintain some success would probably have changed my mindset considerably.

I will just have to find happiness with nothing that's the bottom line really. 

You right I can never move anything along because I am never desired or found attractive enough there is always someone who is more, has more so what I have learnt again is why bother. Here I parked my negative point of view and ignored my instinct because I believed I could compete but once again I cannot. I believed the good things for once would get me into the game. I now know they are not enough.

Not saying you are wrong just saying I don't have the ability and the value on the dating market which is probably subconsciously why I always want to try turn friends into more because I seem to have a use as a friend.  

The first step in many outcomes in life is acceptance, I'll work on that in the vague hope it'll make me feel better, albeit I'll need to pretend to everyone around me all is well. When I open up they can't relate anyway.

[trident_2020]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

I simply not have the time.

Says the guy with over 5200 posts on a relationship forum where he posts all day long.

 

[Weezy1973]

11 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I now know they are not enough.

They’re not enough for a woman looking for a very wealthy man. 
 

But try to see it the other way. If a woman has all of your great qualities (honest, intelligent, nice, etc.) but she happens to be obese, are any of those qualities going to magically make you attracted to her? And if you were to give her advice on how to get into a meaningful relationship what would that advice be? Lose weight? Try guys that are also obese where attraction might grow? 

[Trail Blazer]

13 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I simply not have the time. It's as simple as that and being so contrived as zero appeal even either. Doing something for the sake of maybe meeting someone does not intrest me and I know people that so this, pretend to be interested in things they have no interest in. I have yet to see this ever work in a meaningful way.

As I say I am done, just going to admit total defeat here and just try my best to rationalize the situation, take whatever good there is and just live with this void as best I can.

There's nothing wrong with expanding your horizons.  Get out of your comfort zone and try something different. 

Sure, if you're doing it just to meet someone, it's contrived.  But, maybe look to do something you might find interesting and go from there.

I think a huge part of your problem is you're so rigid and set in your ways.  If you were naturally more inclined to being open to new experiences, you probably would have a lot more dating experience, too.

 

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

They’re not enough for a woman looking for a very wealthy man. 
 

But try to see it the other way. If a woman has all of your great qualities (honest, intelligent, nice, etc.) but she happens to be obese, are any of those qualities going to magically make you attracted to her? And if you were to give her advice on how to get into a meaningful relationship what would that advice be? Lose weight? Try guys that are also obese where attraction might grow? 

I can work out each day to look slim and fit and you forget what I like is someone attractive overall, I have been out with people with amazing personalities but do not find them physically attractive.

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

There's nothing wrong with expanding your horizons.  Get out of your comfort zone and try something different. 

Sure, if you're doing it just to meet someone, it's contrived.  But, maybe look to do something you might find interesting and go from there.

I think a huge part of your problem is you're so rigid and set in your ways.  If you were naturally more inclined to being open to new experiences, you probably would have a lot more dating experience, too.

 

I have my interests and I am sticking to those, the swing goes around both ways, I enjoy working because its the one thing the more I put into it the better I get, unlike dating where the more I put into the the worse the loss is and the chances of success never really get any better.

But sure this advice could work for someone I it definitely has value, I however am not inclined to do he things which attract lots of people, trance parties, churches and to a lesser extent hiking clubs.

Dating is not easy for anyone its just easier for some than others

[Weezy1973]

8 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I can work out each day to look slim and fit and you forget what I like is someone attractive overall, I have been out with people with amazing personalities but do not find them physically attractive.

But in the scenario, the obese woman refuses to change. She won’t eat healthy or exercise. She thinks men should just be attracted to her for those good qualities she has. She also refuses to “settle” for obese men because she’s attracted to slim, fit men. 
 

Sound familiar?

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

But in the scenario, the obese woman refuses to change. She won’t eat healthy or exercise. She thinks men should just be attracted to her for those good qualities she has. She also refuses to “settle” for obese men because she’s attracted to slim, fit men. 
 

Sound familiar?

Yes. I would bet that she is also single...

Unrealistic expectations tend not to be conducive to success with dating or successful long term relationships. 

[ZA Dater]

14 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Yes. I would bet that she is also single...

Unrealistic expectations tend not to be conducive to success with dating or successful long term relationships. 

Ok so serious question, who exactly determines what is realistic and what is not. Here I have a person I get along with really well, has spent a lot of time with me, clearly does not mind being around me. I would think ordinarily this is a BETTER base than meeting up with someone from Tinder who I do not get along too well with, do not communicate well with and has no interest in actually spending time with me.

I just simply need to come to terms the fact the former is as good as it gets for me. Time can heal many things, how much time I would need would probably be every day I have left on this planet because I do not think I am going to find much inner peace but so long as that does not impact too much the face I put toward others I guess I can manage it.

Next week I have three days with her so I can once again live vicariously and enjoy that to the full. Compare that experience to going on dates with someone I need to force myself to like and really there is no comparison in my mind.

Yes, Wheezy makes solid suggestions, find the same people to interact with over and over and create attraction by familiarity, GOOD suggestion if the person concerned is more conventional, I like what I like and I do what I do and I carry that intensity into everything I do.

Again lets be hones at nearly 37 and no experience what prospects are there realistically for me, pay and get experience: not thanks, date down and get experience, again no thanks, use inexperience as a selling point, again unmarketable and I did try. I simply have to admit while I am failure at this I do not have to fail at everything else I try. I'll ne quite honest I would not have minded having kids one day but that will never happen. After spending hours thinking over a lot of this with very little sleep the conclusion I have is while we can control a lot of life, a lot of it we cannot and for whatever reason life as seen to it I wont succeed and while I can continue trying to swim up river its pretty much pointless.

Edited March 19, 2021 by ZA Dater

[ZA Dater]

18 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

But in the scenario, the obese woman refuses to change. She won’t eat healthy or exercise. She thinks men should just be attracted to her for those good qualities she has. She also refuses to “settle” for obese men because she’s attracted to slim, fit men. 
 

Sound familiar?

No its not similar or even familiar. Getting fit is something a person can physically do each day to get fit, if you can tell me 5 things which will GUARANTEE me dating success with people I like and find attractive I'll do ALL 5 of them. That is my point you can work out each day and will see results, there is NOTHING one can do to ensure mutual attraction, there just is not.

I am always going to be the oddball in the room, either I own that or I don't but life is better if I do own that. I am never going to be the guy who can flirt and charm, irrespective how hard I try so that rules me out. Few people can ever relate to me and that's ok. At some point instead of pulling myself down I need to sit back and say "you know what you are ok", what dating does is make me loath myself because I am being rejected over and over again, NEVER any reason being supplied but those reasons are socially obvious to me. I can keep pulling myself apart but who suffers from that, only me really. Nobody else cares.

People on this forum care more about me than anyone actually in my life and for the most part relate better to me too, I do owe a lot of you a debt of gratitude (you too Jspice). Just think about that for a minute and it gives you and idea of how I live. People do not realize how alone I feel most of the time and why someone sending me voice notes asking about my life and telling me about theirs actually does mean something to me. Whereas for most of you that is probably just normal. 

Its why some of these odd contrived experiences I come up with I enjoy so much because I get to share something with someone. Maybe people understand that maybe not.