Can this work

[elaine567]

14 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I am always going to be the oddball in the room

Why is that?
What makes you the oddball?
Don't say you don't drink or smoke or party as many people don't do any of these things and are not seen as "oddballs".

[ZA Dater]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

Why is that?
What makes you the oddball?
Don't say you don't drink or smoke or party as many people don't do any of these things and are not seen as "oddballs".

My point of view on many things is not shared by others. I have seen a lot of things, met a lot of different people so while I can sit at a luxury resort I can also relate to the guy who is serving me by dinner and his circumstance. My experience a lot of people are very insular. I like knowing what is going on around me and the word around me and I do not often find people who really care that much. 

I am often called serious on this forum but I can also sit and do baby talk for an hour or talk to a 7 year old. 

There is probably more serious about me than most people and seldom really relax, again this lady actually put me into what I called relaxed mode, I can take the weight over everything going on off my shoulders for a bit.  Here when you go to a function and don't drink its frowned upon, as happened this morning when discussing wine, instead of accepting people question. There is a very soft side of me which I seldom show because being soft does not make for a very pleasant experience when one is all alone most of the time.

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

My point of view on many things is not shared by others. I have seen a lot of things, met a lot of different people so while I can sit at a luxury resort I can also relate to the guy who is serving me by dinner and his circumstance. My experience a lot of people are very insular. I like knowing what is going on around me and the word around me and I do not often find people who really care that much. 

I am often called serious on this forum but I can also sit and do baby talk for an hour or talk to a 7 year old. 

There is probably more serious about me than most people and seldom really relax, again this lady actually put me into what I called relaxed mode, I can take the weight over everything going on off my shoulders for a bit.  Here when you go to a function and don't drink its frowned upon, as happened this morning when discussing wine, instead of accepting people question. There is a very soft side of me which I seldom show because being soft does not make for a very pleasant experience when one is all alone most of the time.

None of that sounds like an oddball...

[ZA Dater]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

None of that sounds like an oddball...

Certainly is very oddball here.

Irrespective of where I go and who I meet. Granted it all works well in the business environment.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

No its not similar or even familiar. Getting fit is something a person can physically do each day to get fit,

The goal for this woman is not to get fit though, it’s to date someone she’s attracted to. 

 

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

if you can tell me 5 things which will GUARANTEE me dating success with people I like and find attractive I'll do ALL 5 of them.

There are no guarantees for anybody when it comes to this. The suggestions you’re getting from me and others will increase your odds, but won’t guarantee anything. Just like if that obese woman gets fit. It will increase the odds that a slim, fit man will find her attractive, but it’s not a guarantee for any particular man. 

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I am always going to be the oddball in the room, either I own that or I don't but life is better if I do own that.

The way you describe yourself is not that odd at all. In fact an Instagram model and your “player” friend seem more on the extreme end of things than you do.

 

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Few people can ever relate to me and that's ok.

I’ve mentioned numerous times that I can relate to you. I think you’re hanging out with the wrong people. Move to Canada. We can be friends! I’ve got this woman I can set you up with...

[ZA Dater]

Ok so the end part of this will probably be the fact she spent a weekend with him, like I am doing next weekend he took her away for a weekend, apparently he is a "good one" so at this point I have officially lost. I guess it was predictable, could have I done more, yes I could have if I had ignored my gut feeling and advice of my friend "she is in no space to date now, be her friend". In hindsight that advice may have been poorly intended but hindsight is a lovely thing.

How do I feel about it, indifferent I guess, lot of people here has added some comfort to the situation, even when the comfort is the "kick you behind" kind of advice. Today I went on an arrangement date, i.e. a commercial date, really was not great, no real connection too much false interest, pretty enough but something like that will not work for me. All it did was emphasize how good this interaction was this lady, how much value I got out of it. 

I have lived with this empty feeling since forever so I will just have to adapt some more to make the best of it.

What I did do today was try to open up a lot more even being a date I was not really enjoying, it did not really help the interaction much because it was fake all of it but it did make me realize that I simply do not connect easily with people, a lack of attraction is one problem(not in this case, blond blue eyes etc.) but if I do not connect properly the entire idea falls as flat a pancake falling out of a pan.

Thanks to everyone for their advice, encouragement and cussing out. Not sure I deserve any of the advice really because I am a very poorly equipped person to be able to implement much of it. Wish I had "met" many of you 15 years ago.

When I look at myself I am capable of a very high degree of caring and compassion with large amounts of patience. Maybe one day I will find something where those will be useful but philosophically the interaction this with lady has been me taking and realizing all the things I am going to miss out on in life, its a terrible list, really it is but I will have to find a way to bear these losses in the long term. 

Thanks again for the advice, encouragement, support and cussing out.

[ZA Dater]

On 3/19/2021 at 5:56 PM, Weezy1973 said:

 

I’ve mentioned numerous times that I can relate to you. I think you’re hanging out with the wrong people. Move to Canada. We can be friends! I’ve got this woman I can set you up with...

Canada...too cold but closer to my beloved American muscle cars. Is she slim, athletic with a pretty face. Joking.

[trident_2020]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

 I am capable of a very high degree of caring and compassion with large amounts of patience.

Yeah if you find them attractive.

Otherwise you can't wait to get away from them.

 

[ZA Dater]

On 3/21/2021 at 10:52 PM, trident_2020 said:

Yeah if you find them attractive.

Otherwise you can't wait to get away from them.

 

You are right. I am not really interested in dating people I do not find attractive, I am glad you do like doing this though, kudos to you.

Anyway I am still going ahead with the weekend away, even though my prospects are pretty much zero at least I can tick of the box "go on a weekend away with someone I really enjoy spending time with" 

We are still talking everyday so clearly I have some sort of value in terms of her life but experience has told me I do the 'close confidant" very well. 

[trident_2020]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

You are right. I am not really interested in dating people I do not find attractive, I am glad you do like doing this though, kudos to you.

I don't date women I don't find attractive, in fact the only women I date are very attractive, successful, and are considered to be a catch by most men.

Unlike you, I don't have problems getting dates or getting involved in relationships. If I did, I'd make the necessary changes, again, unlike you.

 

 

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

I don't date women I don't find attractive, in fact the only women I date are very attractive, successful, and are considered to be a catch by most men.

Unlike you, I don't have problems getting dates or getting involved in relationships. If I did, I'd make the necessary changes, again, unlike you.

 

 

Good for you. Enjoy your perfect dating life, sounds like utopia.

[trident_2020]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Good for you. Enjoy your perfect dating life, sounds like utopia.

I don't date just to date, I do it to get involved in a relationship. I've been with the same woman for 9 years living together for 6.5.

We recently hit a bump in the road and I moved into my own apartment, but we're still together and working through it.

Anyway thanks. I've never had problems meeting women when I'm single.

Things happen when you have the right attitude, an open mind and are willing to change, adapt and operate outside your comfort zone.

 

[elaine567]

On 3/21/2021 at 6:09 PM, ZA Dater said:

Ok so the end part of this will probably be the fact she spent a weekend with him, like I am doing next weekend he took her away for a weekend, apparently he is a "good one" so at this point I have officially lost

So next weekend, is that the event? Is she going to be staying with you?  

[ZA Dater]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

So next weekend, is that the event? Is she going to be staying with you?  

Yip she is. If nothing else I will at least have a plus 1 for dinner.

[trident_2020]

Think positive.

Bring condoms.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, trident_2020 said:

I don't date just to date, I do it to get involved in a relationship. I've been with the same woman for 9 years living together for 6.5.

We recently hit a bump in the road and I moved into my own apartment, but we're still together and working through it.

Anyway thanks. I've never had problems meeting women when I'm single.

Things happen when you have the right attitude, an open mind and are willing to change, adapt and operate outside your comfort zone.

 

Very good going to be in a relationship for that amount of time. Life is about bumps, hope it works out for you.

Things happens when you have qualities people desire and find attractive.

[ZA Dater]

1 minute ago, trident_2020 said:

Think positive.

Bring condoms.

Nothing will happen. I have been beaten by the guy who has "more". Best I can do is just be myself and enjoy for once actually having what could be called a "holiday" with someone. I make a choice everyday, either I feel miserable about being nearly 37 and having no dating experience or I just find something else to think about and ignore the fact I do everything on my own, mind over matter.

[trident_2020]

You really need to work on getting a positive attitude.

She could be deciding between the two of you for all you know.

Hmm.. the fun energetic happy guy or the one with the sullen "I'm just waiting to be dumped" attitude.

Wonder who it will be

[normal person]

On 3/21/2021 at 2:09 PM, ZA Dater said:

apparently he is a "good one" so at this point I have officially lost.

People can always change their minds. I'm not saying you have an amazing chance, but what I'm saying is you'll continue to have no chance if you don't change this attitude. She can subconsciously sense defeat and will interpret it as weakness, at which point your statement will self-fulfill. Or, you could shake off the defeatism and do what you can to make her think she chose the wrong guy. Keep in mind the "right" guy would never say the things you're saying here, or act like he thought them. 

54 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I have been beaten by the guy who has "more".

I'm just curious: what do you think he thinks about the arrangement between the two of you? I assume he's aware she's staying with you, and/or will be with you a lot. Do you think he's asked about it, and what do you think she's said about you in response? 

[ZA Dater]

18 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

You really need to work on getting a positive attitude.

She could be deciding between the two of you for all you know.

Hmm.. the fun energetic happy guy or the one with the sullen "I'm just waiting to be dumped" attitude.

Wonder who it will be

Its going to be the super successful guy who has everything, the one she tells me is a "good one" and the one who her friends wax lyrical about. Why would it not be that guy? 

Unfortunately life is not a movie and guys like me seldom win against this sort of competition. Rather be pragmatic than than unrealistically ambitious.

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, normal person said:

I'm just curious: what do you think he thinks about the arrangement between the two of you? I assume he's aware she's staying with you, and/or will be with you a lot. Do you think he's asked about it, and what do you think she's said about you in response? 

My guess and I could be wrong but I think the bf will show up in time to sweep her off to a hotel.
If he is indeed a rich guy then he is not going to sit back and let his new gf get all cosy with another single man in his house.
He may have been denied a ticket to "the event" but that doesn't mean he will leave it at that.

[ZA Dater]

1 minute ago, normal person said:

People can always change their minds. I'm not saying you have an amazing chance, but what I'm saying is you'll continue to have no chance if you don't change this attitude. She can subconsciously sense defeat and will interpret it as weakness, at which point your statement will self-fulfill. Or, you could shake off the defeatism and do what you can to make her think she chose the wrong guy. Keep in mind the "right" guy would never say the things you're saying here, or act like he thought them. 

I'm just curious: what do you think he thinks about the arrangement between the two of you? I assume he's aware she's staying with you, and/or will be with you a lot. Do you think he's asked about it, and what do you think she's said about you in response? 

This part did cause me to smile. He tried his best to invite himself to the event, which sort of tells me everything, he then tried another tactic to get himself invited to another aspect of the event. Honestly I am no competition to him, really I am not but when I saw this nonsense I immediately simply felt the better person and if nothing else made even her laugh at his attempts. As I mentioned before when we were both with her at the same table, it was him really over trying and me sitting back and conveying as much confidence as I could muster at the time which was quite a bit, unusual for me. I even threw out an olive branch when he got marginalised in the conversation and got him back into the group conversation. I do not think he likes the fact she is spending time with me, she still tells me " it is ok, he is not possessive". 

I am not quite as stupid as maybe I seem here but the only real experience I have to draw on is corporate and going toe to toe with some of the hardest, most uncompromising people, either you walk in there strong and ready or you will be defeated in 2 minutes through simple intimidation. A lot of this is where my hard cold approach comes from.

The reality is maybe she is choosing to some extent but I think its unlikely, the conversation is too friend zone with me but that is all I am capable of to be honest, anything else and I have no idea what to say or do. I am likely to remain in first place when it comes to the friend zone. Whether he can stomach that idea is another matter.

[trident_2020]

13 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

 Rather be pragmatic than than unrealistically ambitious.

Your negative attitude is a self defeating prophecy. If you had even the slightest chance with her you've smothered it.

 

[ZA Dater]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

My guess and I could be wrong but I think the bf will show up in time to sweep her off to a hotel.
If he is indeed a rich guy then he is not going to sit back and let his new gf get all cosy with another single man in his house.
He may have been denied a ticket to "the event" but that doesn't mean he will leave it at that.

We are staying in a hotel. She has already told him she is spending the weekend with me so that scenario would seem unlikely but I suspect she will be staying with him next week. She also seems to sense I do not particularly want him around. There is very little win in this scenario for me, other than for once having some company and for once having a different type of experience. 

The day to day win is someone who sends me sweet voice notes, asks how my day is going, takes some interest in me, shares her life and in nearly 37 years I have never had anyone actually do that. Again seems stupid probably to most but its new for me and a change from having nobody take any interest.

[ZA Dater]

1 minute ago, trident_2020 said:

Your negative attitude is a self defeating prophecy. If you had even the slightest chance with her you've smothered it.

 

My friend, if you had been rejected for 20 odd years with no success you would not be jumping up and down with optimism either, trust me you would not be. Its very difficult to imagine that scenario and I will be quite honest I cant imagine or relate to your scenario either. 6.5 years with someone is deeply impressive to me, the fact there is mutual attraction is more impressive still. I do genuinely hope you get over the hurdles.

My dating life is like arriving at the buffet and finding the great cake is gone but there are a few crumbs left, they are great but that is all they are: crumbs.