Understanding why I got ghosted!

[Wanderingstar11]

Hi, I am a female (39) who has been in relationship with my partner for 10 years (no kids together). Recently, at a social event, I got feelings for (one of my) best friend's brother. I have known my friend and her brother (37) and the family all my life. To be honest I haven't really seen the brother for a while as not in a position where we would see each other regulary. He has been in a relationship for 6 years and has two older children (to a previous partner).

I got close to him at this recent social event a few months ago (never been attracted to him at all!) and he has always liked me, which I know) kind of as his sister's good looking friend (as he says) but he would never have pursued anything as he knows I was never interested. After the event, he text me and we met up and had a good chat and a nice walk. He was keen to know if I was genuine and what I wanted out of this (neither of us have ever cheated before) as he genuinely liked me and  had feelings for me. I  said I liked him too but couldnt't guarantee anythign as didn't want to hurt my partner. We were not in it just for sex or anything like that (we weren't even properly intimate until a few weeks in).

Overtime we met up a couple of times a week (for about 10 weeks) and text and spoke daily. He said he could see himself falling in love with me and from the start made clear that he would leave his relationship if it meant us being together (which I do believe he would have). I told him not to do that and that I couldn't guarantee the same which I do know he found difficult. His feelings continued to grow and he told me had fallen in love with me and was worried I didn't feel the same but didn't want me to feel pressued. He said he knew he was living a lie with his partner and saw his future with me but understood the difficulties involved. I never told him I loved him but he knew I was heading that way and had strong feelings. We had so much in common, got on really well and always said we would be honest with each other if feelings changed or it all got too difficult. He said he knew his future was with me and he had never felt the way he felt before when he was with me and it scared him how strongly he felt.

I do know he struggled at home with the guilt and double life (as did I) but he was definitely worse than me to the point he was not wanting to go home and felt as though he was cheating on me almost.  Then almost 4 weeks ago, we were meant to be meeting up on a saturday so I'd text the day before asking what the plans were. He said he was looking forward to seeing me and had missed me (which he always said) and he was having busy day at work.  And that is the last I ever heard from him! I text later on asking him to call and what plans were for the next day, no response. I then text the next day asking if somehting had happened and to let me know he was ok. I did send another msg (as I was honestly shocked) a couple of days later saying I was upset and shocked at him ignoring me when he could have just told me if he wanted to end things (and also tried calling) again no response!

As I was worried (he could have had an accident!)(, I ended up telling his sister (my friend) about what had been going on. She wasn't surprised we had been seeing each other as she said he really liked me. She ended up getting in contact with him and ultimately he told her he was not in a good place and his head was all over the place. Says he does really like me but the guilt got to him and he was being a different (and not very nice person) at home. He also said that as I wasnt in a position to be with him yet,  he felt he couldn't keep it up indefinitely and he was struggling to concentrate at work which was taking a toll. He told he he gets on with me much better than he does his partner.

She told him I would have understood all that and he said he meant eveything he said to me and knows he should have got in touch. He told her (twice now) that he was going to get in touch as he wanted to meet me in person and explain things. I still have heard nothing! Now I know this family like my own, and their values and how they have been brought up and I still cannot understand how he felt it was acceptable to treat me like this. I'm not expecting to hear from him direclty again but considering I am good friends with all the family, he will be on the radar. I find it all very bizarre and am really hurt that he didn't just tell me (which I completely would have understood which he knew) and he took the lowest of the low route out by ghosting me.  Maybe if this was some random guy I met online I could get it but not someone I've known over 30 years!!

 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Wanderingstar11 said:

 he took the lowest of the low route out by ghosting me. 

Sorry this happened. He "took the lowest route" by cheating on his partner and telling you the typical cliche pack of lies about his partner doesn't understand him.

That sliminess in itself was the first red flag 🚩.

The ghosting is actually the first thing he's done that isn't a slimey lie. You're free and he can stop lying to you and his partner.

Be grateful.

[Fletch Lives]

Well, his heart is already taken by his partner. If they love somebody else and not you, it's too easy for them to walk. He had nothing to lose. sorry.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Wanderingstar11 said:

I know this family like my own, and their values and how they have been brought up and I still cannot understand how he felt it was acceptable to treat me like this.

Is establishing an inappropriate relationship with another woman, not his wife and the mother of his children, in keeping with what you know of this mans family and how they were brought up? And how about his sister, who knows that he has behaved inappropriately and has encouraged you by telling you that he has a stronger connection with you than the mother of his children... how does that fit with what you know of their upbringing?

I’m saying this because you are not looking at this situation rationally right now. Boundaries have been crossed here and you were on the path to no return... Instead of feeling hurt about the fact that he has ghosted you, I would suggest that you try to be grateful for the fact that he apparently came to his senses and has hopefully prevented a world of hurt for his wife, his children, and your husband. 

Not what you will want to hear, obviously. I’m sorry about that. But, you need to take a step back from the fantasy and do and honest assessment of the situation. Good luck. 

Edited December 16, 2020 by BaileyB

[Wanderingstar11]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Is establishing an inappropriate relationship with another woman, not his wife and the mother of his children, in keeping with what you know of this mans family and how they were brought up? And how about his sister, who knows that he has behaved inappropriately and has encouraged you by telling you that he has a stronger connection with you than the mother of his children... how does that fit with what you know of their upbringing?

I’m saying this because you are not looking at this situation rationally right now. Boundaries have been crossed here and you were on the path to no return... Instead of feeling hurt about the fact that he has ghosted you, I would suggest that you try to be grateful for the fact that he apparently came to his senses and has hopefully prevented a world of hurt for his wife, his children, and your husband. 

Not what you will want to hear, obviously. I’m sorry about that. But, you need to take a step back from the fantasy and do and honest assessment of the situation. Good luck. 

I fully understand this and preventing the pain. It was me all along who was resistant for it to come out as i didnt want anyone to get hurt. Also i said if it was getting too much to let me know and then he got worried and asked was i saying that because that was how i felt and I said no, but i understood if things got too much. This was before he was making plans to meet and saying missing me!

It's not the ending of the relationship i am upset about. It's the manner of how it was done. If he was too cowardly to tell me to my face, at least call or send a message. I will never understand ghosting.

[BaileyB]

Perhaps his spouse grew suspicious and he decided to end it to protect his marriage.  You just don’t know. His sister doesn’t know because what happens between a man and a woman in the marriage is usually known only to the two people involved.

While I agree that it is a cowardly way to end a relationship, I find it odd that you are expecting open, honest, considerate, and respectful communication from the man when what you know about this man is that he has not offered the same courtesy to his wife. Conflict avoidance tends to be a hallmark feature for men who cheat, rather than deal with the problems in their marriage and either fix them or file for divorce - they turn to another. I don’t find it surprising at all that he has avoided the hard conversation with you. 

Edited December 16, 2020 by BaileyB

[Wanderingstar11]

12 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Perhaps his spouse grew suspicious and he decided to end it to protect his marriage.  You just don’t know. His sister doesn’t know because what happens between a man and a woman in the marriage is usually known only to the two people involved.

While I agree that it is a cowardly way to end a relationship, I find it odd that you are expecting open, honest, considerate, and respectful communication from the man when what you know about this man is that he has not offered the same courtesy to his wife. Conflict avoidance tends to be a hallmark feature for men who cheat, rather than deal with the problems in their marriage and either fix them or file for divorce - they turn to another. I don’t find it surprising at all that he has avoided the hard conversation with you. 

But by that logic, I was also cheating and dishonest to my partner but I would have told AP if I wanted to end it still, not ghosted him. He does struggle with emotions a lot more than me though (except now as mine are all over the place!)

I know his partner had grown suspicious as she told him he was acting strange recently. She hasn't found out though. 

I actually know he was not happy with his partner long before i came on the scene. None of the family like her either. He told me that regardless what happened with us he knows she is not the one for him. However i do know she is fully dependent on him financially and has helped with his children lots (she is not their mother who is not in the picture). So i can fully guess guilt ridden in that respect.

I still do honestly believe had i left my partner though he would have left her. Thats nothing to assuage my ego, its to with knowing 95% more about this situation that i can write on here is all. 

But who knows ...as I never thought he would just ignore me!

[BaileyB]

Whatever the reason, he has clearly made his choice. He may have been unhappy, but there is a lot of history there and he has a lot at stake. It’s time to move on and refocus on your own marriage, if you intend to stay married. Best wishes to you.

[Cookiesandough]

I am guessing he just wanted to have sex/cheat and then not have to deal with you anymore. He found just pretending you don’t exist anymore was the easiest way to do so. I’m sorry...

Edited December 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wanderingstar11]

44 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I am guessing he just wanted to have sex/cheat and then not have to deal with you anymore. He found just pretending you don’t exist anymore was the easiest way to do so. I’m sorry...

No need to be sorry. I am honestly over the relationship. I get not wanting to contact me again but just tell me that. I have known him over 30 years. I see members of his family every week as they are good friends of mine. He knows i am a calm person and would have understood and accepted NC. He even asked his sister about me after all this too but no backbone to have let me know how he felt. 

Like i say, there is much more to the story and neither of us have cheated before (and i never will again!)

[notbroken]

His conscience kicked in and he couldn't stand lying and cheating any longer.   He then further showed his cowardice by not facing you and telling you it was over.  Good riddance.  Consider yourself lucky you got off so easy.    Look within to see why you did this.  You damaged your relationship and self in ways you may not yet know.   Repair them as best as possible.   

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, notbroken said:

His conscience kicked in and he couldn't stand lying and cheating any longer. 

He basically told his sister this when he said he didn't like how he was acting at home.  Translation: My girl doesn't deserve the way I'm treating her because of guilt for cheating with another woman.  OP, no where have you said how this affair is affecting your relationship with your partner, if you were planning to leave him for this guy if he left his girl.  Maybe through his guilt he started to feel less for you because you seem to have no problem cheating on your guy and he's wondering if you are unfaithful.  You never said whether this turned into a sexual relationship or not.  If so, he may have satisfied his longing for his sister's good looking friend and is satisfied.  He probably sees you differently.

Edited December 16, 2020 by stillafool

[Cookiesandough]

1 hour ago, Wanderingstar11 said:

No need to be sorry. I am honestly over the relationship. I get not wanting to contact me again but just tell me that. I have known him over 30 years. I see members of his family every week as they are good friends of mine. He knows i am a calm person and would have understood and accepted NC. He even asked his sister about me after all this too but no backbone to have let me know how he felt. 

Like i say, there is much more to the story and neither of us have cheated before (and i never will again!)

I am glad that you are over the relationship. I think that is just the thing though. They are telling you they don’t want to contact right now, but in an avoidant way. Ghosting/ignoring is easy when you don’t care that much to talk to someone at the moment. He could tell you he could tell you that but he would need to talk to you. He would need to face all of his decisions that he is not too proud of. He would have to have an awkward conversation telling you this. Also, it would more definitively close the door with you. I think the answer to your question is that he does not want to face all of that when he could much more easily not answer at all

[Wanderingstar11]

39 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He basically told his sister this when he said he didn't like how he was acting at home.  Translation: My girl doesn't deserve the way I'm treating her because of guilt for cheating with another woman.  OP, no where have you said how this affair is affecting your relationship with your partner, if you were planning to leave him for this guy if he left his girl.  Maybe through his guilt he started to feel less for you because you seem to have no problem cheating on your guy and he's wondering if you are unfaithful.  You never said whether this turned into a sexual relationship or not.  If so, he may have satisfied his longing for his sister's good looking friend and is satisfied.  He probably sees you differently.

That makes sense to be honest and I can see maybe he thought I was handling things a bit too well in terms of guilt. But i was always honest and said I would not be willing to give up my relationship anytime soon which he wanted me to do (but understood it wasnt easy). Me and my partner get on well, i just dont feel as strongly as I used to for him but I would never throw things away and certainly not a few weeks into an affair.

Yes this was a sexual relationship but not until several weeks in and that was definitely not the main driver at all. It was more an emotional connection and knowing each other as long as we have we have lots in common.

Like i say, the reasons for it ending dont really trouble me. The fact he couldnt tell me is the only bit thay does. Especially as he impressed on me so much to let him know if i ever started to feel differently and that we could always say how we were feeling.

[Wanderingstar11]

37 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I am glad that you are over the relationship. I think that is just the thing though. They are telling you they don’t want to contact right now, but in an avoidant way. Ghosting/ignoring is easy when you don’t care that much to talk to someone at the moment. He could tell you he could tell you that but he would need to talk to you. He would need to face all of his decisions that he is not too proud of. He would have to have an awkward conversation telling you this. Also, it would more definitively close the door with you. I think the answer to your question is that he does not want to face all of that when he could much more easily not answer at all

But surely just say to me that he cannot carry on, feelings have changed or guilt kicked in or whatever and best of luck for the future.

I guaranteee you that he knows i am not a vengeful or hostile person. He has been so open with me about everything else. He obviously knows i am hurt but he does know i am quite independent and not nearly as emotive as him and dont express my feelings like he does. Not that that gives any excuse to his behaviour whatsoever. 

He knows i would not be begging him to reconsider or be breaking into tears if he told me like an adult! 

[stillafool]

38 minutes ago, Wanderingstar11 said:

He knows i would not be begging him to reconsider or be breaking into tears if he told me like an adult! 

If so, maybe he thinks you are strong enough to handle the ghosting and will understand.

[MsJayne]

Obviously he couldn't deal with the distress of telling you it was over. He was being horrible to his partner because of the stress the deceit was causing. He offered to make a commitment to you and you responded by dicking him around. It comes across as you dallying with his emotions for some sort of ego boost. 

[Wanderingstar11]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If so, maybe he thinks you are strong enough to handle the ghosting and will understand.

Maybe the strong enough part. I was very upset the first week out of pure confusion but to be honest, i do still have moments of upset and lack of understanding but I now know it is him with the problem and not me.

But I will never understand as it is not in my moral fibre to treat someone like that and ghost them(sounds hypocritical i know with the cheating). 

This wasnt someone i met online after a few dates. This was a 3 month relationship where he (reckoned to) love me but was so honest about lots of things (which i know from knowing him and being best friends with his sister were true). Even she is surprised but says he is not happy and has buried his head in the sand. Still no excuse!

[Wanderingstar11]

3 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Obviously he couldn't deal with the distress of telling you it was over. He was being horrible to his partner because of the stress the deceit was causing. He offered to make a commitment to you and you responded by dicking him around. It comes across as you dallying with his emotions for some sort of ego boost. 

No that was never it at all. I couldnt give everything up so soon and said i would have to end things first with my partner if i was ever to be with him but it may not happen and would certainly not be in the near future. Surely he could have told me that this was too long to wait (which incidentally he said to his sister aftewards!)

I would rather be honest than unrealistic. And it was him who pursued things with me the next day after i had shown interest after a few drinks at a social event.

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, Wanderingstar11 said:

I will never understand as it is not in my moral fibre to treat someone like that and ghost them(sounds hypocritical i know with the cheating). 

Respectfully, it does sound hypocritical, absolutely. 

I read your posts and find myself asking why you are more concerned about the fact that your affair partner ended your affair without explanation than with the fact that you betrayed your husband in the worst possible way? Are you hurt? Did he bruise your ego? Why are you passing judgment on him (saying you would never have expected this given the way he was raised) and rather indignantly proclaiming that he should behave like an adult... it feels like your focus is misdirected as this is surely not the worst “betrayal” to be caused during this affair. 

Edited December 17, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, Wanderingstar11 said:

I couldnt give everything up so soon and said i would have to end things first with my partner if i was ever to be with him but it may not happen and would certainly not be in the near future.

You were hedging your bet. You were probably more honest with him than he was with you, but you were waiting to see how things worked out before ending your marriage. And that wasn’t very fair to your husband... Now that your affair partner has walked away, you are rationalizing and passing the blame (to a certain degree). But again, where does that leave your husband... none the wiser? 

Edited December 17, 2020 by BaileyB

[Wanderingstar11]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Respectfully, it does sound hypocritical, absolutely. 

I read your posts and find myself asking why you are more concerned about the fact that your affair partner ended your affair without explanation? Are you hurt? Did he bruise your ego? Why are you passing judgment on him (saying you would never have expected this given the way he was raised) and rather indignantly proclaiming that he should behave like an adult... it feels like your focus is misdirected as this is surely not the worst “betrayal” to be caused during this affair. 

No one is perfect and if this was the betrayal olympics i could maybe set out in order worst to best.

I am purely posting for insight into a specific element as yes i am hurt and confused so was keen to hear other experiences. My post focuses on the ghosting. That is not to say there are not a number of other more worthy elements involved. I will post about those if I choose to though.

[Cookiesandough]

I don’t know about hypocritical, but it does say quite a bit that you find something as little as ghosting so morally incomprehensible but cheating is not. Could it be because it is not benefiting you and is actually happening to you instead? It could suggest, along with some other stuff, that you struggle with seeing things from another‘s perspective a little bit. Maybe a little lacking in empathy?. He just doesn’t want to have the conversation.It’s easier to just ignore. Doesn’t even take one thumb stroke. That’s it 

Edited December 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Pumaza]

So you are single?

Eitherway,if you know someone is married, you shouldnt entertain him anyway romanticly!

Because you know you gonna.get used for what ever he wanna get out ofnot.

You cant blame him.You knew he is not single.You knew wjat you were getting yourself into.

He belongs to his wife and was smart enough to cut it of. Telling his sister is like you mad and tryna pay him back by telling her.

If you got a man,first to know that you have feelings,should be him.

Many singles oit there. Dont play with peoples heart.If you are in a relationship,end it respecfully first,before going witj someone else.

[Wanderingstar11]

8 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I don’t know about hypocritical, but it does say quite a bit that you find something as little as ghosting so morally incomprehensible but cheating is not. Could it be because it is not benefiting you and is actually happening to you instead? It could suggest, along with some other stuff, that you struggle with seeing things from another‘s perspective a little bit. Maybe a little lacking in empathy?. He just doesn’t want to have the conversation.It’s easier to just ignore. Doesn’t even take one thumb stroke. That’s it 

So do you condone ghosting someone then after a 3 month relationship both emotional and sexual. Forget the cheating element temporarily (or include it actually) but do you feel that is acceptable behaviour? And i am not asking in comparison to anything else like cheating (which is obviously worse and was done by both parties).