Understanding why I got ghosted!

[BaileyB]

Deleted. There’s lots we could discuss but it’s not really why you came. Good luck to you OP.

Edited December 17, 2020 by BaileyB

[HiCrunchy]

28 minutes ago, Wanderingstar11 said:

True, but i cheated too just the same and would have the decency to tell someone it had ended rather than ghosting them

 

24 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What about the decency to tell your partners that you two have cheated?

^ This. While discussing decency, I think you should do the right then and tell ur partner.

[Bittersweetie]

I was a MW and my xAP ghosted me not once, but twice. Yes it was annoying and painful at the time but now it's no longer important.

I agree with PP and find it concerning that you seem so focused on why xAP ghosted you instead of why you made the choice to step outside your marriage. But I understand that it's a lot easier to focus on other people's behaviors and choices than taking a hard look at our own behavior and choices. I'd gently suggest turning your mental energy toward examining why you thought these choices were okay and what that means for you and your marriage.

Edited December 17, 2020 by Bittersweetie

[Wanderingstar11]

7 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said:

I was a MW and my xAP ghosted me not once, but twice. Yes it was annoying and painful at the time but now it's no longer important.

I agree with PP and find it concerning that you seem so focused on why xAP ghosted you instead of why you made the choice to step outside your marriage. But I understand that it's a lot easier to focus on other people's behaviors and choices than taking a hard look at our own behavior and choices. I'd gently suggest turning your mental energy toward examining why you thought these choices were okay and what that means for you and your marriage.

Yes i agree. I will and have been considering the bigger picture. The focus looks disproportionate as my query is about the ghosting, mainly due to my confusion with that course of action and the fact that it is recent. Please be assured that I have other more significant things to consider which i certainly will be doing. This thread is just specific to one element hence the perceived imbalance and why people think i am selfish which I am not.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Wanderingstar11 said:

I am well aware of how badly I have acted

He is aware of how badly he's acted also and that is why he ghosted.  Yes he should have ended it with words but like I said something about him isn't adding up.

[Miss Spider]

He is a cheater and you expect him to have the morals not to ghost? Lol. He might be a long time friend, but he clearly does what benefits him the most/what he feels like without much consideration of others. You should know this about him. 

Edited December 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wanderingstar11]

26 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

He is a cheater and you expect him to have the morals not to ghost? Lol. He might be a long time friend, but he clearly does what benefits him the most/what he feels like without much consideration of others. You should know this about him. 

Well like i say I cheated too but have morals not to ghost. You are right about him doing what benefits him and no consideration of others, that is evident. Fair enough me not knowing him as well as I thought I did but his own sisters cannot understand it either and are shocked he has done this and not been in touch. They say it is not something they would ever thought he would do.

They knew how much he had said he liked me in the past so were not shocked about the relationship, but surprised that I had been interested when I never had before

[Timshel]

50 minutes ago, Wanderingstar11 said:

Well like i say I cheated too but have morals not to ghost. You are right about him doing what benefits him and no consideration of others, that is evident. Fair enough me not knowing him as well as I thought I did but his own sisters cannot understand it either and are shocked he has done this and not been in touch. They say it is not something they would ever thought he would do.

They knew how much he had said he liked me in the past so were not shocked about the relationship, but surprised that I had been interested when I never had before

The morals not to ghost? What stands out to me in this post is that 'his own sisters' can't understand and are 'shocked' that he has ghosted you.

This woman, though she cares for his children while he works and he laments that she is financially dependent on him, has earned a level of contempt that at least three women have plotted the demise of her relationship with this man. I hope she has no idea how despised she is by the women around her but the energy...wow. My heart goes out to her.

Maybe he would have left her if you had left your partner. Why didn't you? You keep typing about how rude it was for him to ghost but really nothing about missing him. I think that you do miss him but this seems more of some power/ego shenanigans to see if you had the chops to take him away from/get one over on his partner, with the blessing of his sisters. You seem more agitated to have been foiled than sincere care for this guy.

[elaine567]

He was prepared to leave his relationship for you, but you were not prepared to leave your relationship for him.
What did you expect him to do? Cheat with you long term?

He was done with you. There was no future.
He probably felt angry and a bit humiliated, hence the ghosting.
 

[Wanderingstar11]

16 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He was prepared to leave his relationship for you, but you were not prepared to leave your relationship for him.
What did you expect him to do? Cheat with you long term?

He was done with you. There was no future.
He probably felt angry and a bit humiliated, hence the ghosting.
 

Possibly he may have felt angry. I dont know what I expected to be honest with what I was doing as it wasnt planned as such and my feelings just came from nowhere so I was caught off guard, also by the strength of his feelings. I know I have been very stupid and yes, very selfish.

I just would have liked to have ended things like adults and had a discussion. I would have been fine with the NC and leaving things at that.

[VD01]

Some guys are really just cowards. Ghosting is the easiest way out. Did he blocked you?

He's not a serial cheater at least. So yes, I believe he did had some feelings for you and it probably happened that his relationship with his wife at that time wasn't good so he let himself do something that he wouldn't do. 

But maybe he and his wife started to become happy again at home. He couldn't bear see his wife getting hurt but he was fine ghosting you, despite knowing it will hurt. 

So I guess even though he did liked you. He ended up caring and loving his wife too. 

 

He is a coward but I think, when he was ignoring you. He probably still in the midst of thinking if he should keep you or not.  So he cannot reply to you because if he reply and say no then it will be over and he might regret.

He doesn't have the guts to say you should end it because your reaction may hurt him or so.

 

But yes, these guys are really coward for not  being honest. 

Edited December 17, 2020 by VD01

[Wanderingstar11]

35 minutes ago, Timshel said:

The morals not to ghost? What stands out to me in this post is that 'his own sisters' can't understand and are 'shocked' that he has ghosted you.

This woman, though she cares for his children while he works and he laments that she is financially dependent on him, has earned a level of contempt that at least three women have plotted the demise of her relationship with this man. I hope she has no idea how despised she is by the women around her but the energy...wow. My heart goes out to her.

Maybe he would have left her if you had left your partner. Why didn't you? You keep typing about how rude it was for him to ghost but really nothing about missing him. I think that you do miss him but this seems more of some power/ego shenanigans to see if you had the chops to take him away from/get one over on his partner, with the blessing of his sisters. You seem more agitated to have been foiled than sincere care for this guy.

I fully get your sympathies from your reading of the situation I described but there is more toxicity (on her part) to the dynamics involving his partner.

I did miss him to start with but I honestly dont now as he is not the person I thought he was anyway. No it was not an ego trip for me at all. I knew how he felt but I always said I couldnt just drop things as quickly as he liked. I wasnt willing to give up my relationship just after a few weeks with AP. 

I do genuinely get on better with xAP than my partner but went about things the completely wrong way.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Wanderingstar11 said:

Well like i say I cheated too but have morals not to ghost.

Have you patched things up with your partner? Just curious if part of this pain from ghosting could be on top of other disappointments at home? 

[Wanderingstar11]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you patched things up with your partner? Just curious if part of this pain from ghosting could be on top of other disappointments at home? 

Me and my partner are fine but quite honestly my feelings towards him  changed probably a couple of years ago. I see him more as a friend but he still loves me. I need to decide what i want to do in future but there was nothing to patch up as such. 

[stillafool]

You talk about how much your affair partner wants you and how much your partner wants you but you never say who you are in love with and what you planned to do about it.  Just angry that you were ghosted.  That is why some are thinking this is more about power/ego for you than actual feelings.  It doesn't seem that you want either guy but just want to be wanted by them.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Wanderingstar11 said:

I see him more as a friend but he still loves me.

This.  Why lead him on when you don't feel the same and having an affair on him.

[Wanderingstar11]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You talk about how much your affair partner wants you and how much your partner wants you but you never say who you are in love with and what you planned to do about it.  Just angry that you were ghosted.  That is why some are thinking this is more about power/ego for you than actual feelings.  It doesn't seem that you want either guy but just want to be wanted by them.

I do understand it comes across like that but that is not the case. Yes the ghosting has upset me as I have never been in that situation and it is counter to everything AP said. I knew him so long as a friend and decent person but was obviously wrong which has thrown me and my perception of him.

I wouldnt say I was at the love stage with AP but definitely getting there. More feelings than I have for my partner but that is to do with the newness too. I definitely am more suited personality and connection wise to AP.

My partner is a great guy though and certainly doesnt deserve what I have done which I do feel terrible about. My feelings for him had diminished though. Not excusing my actions.

I suppose the best outcome would have been me and AP splitting up with our partners, having some time single and seeing if things worked out after that. I was not willing or able to do it so soon as he wanted though. And I now would never be with AP anyway if the opportunity ever arose. Not that it would but just giving my mindset.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Wanderingstar11 said:

Me and my partner are fine but quite honestly my feelings towards him  changed probably a couple of years ago. I see him more as a friend but he still loves me. I need to decide what i want to do in future but there was nothing to patch up as such. 

Nothing to patch up with your partner? 

Is staying in your current relationship still an option for you? Does your partner believe himself to be in a monogamous relationship with you? 

 

[Wanderingstar11]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Nothing to patch up with your partner? 

Is staying in your current relationship still an option for you? Does your partner believe himself to be in a monogamous relationship with you? 

 

With all due respect, I take on board your views and morals but I will work out what is best to do re my partner and me. And yes he is currently in a monogamous relationship with me. I made a big mistake, fully aware of that. 

[mark clemson]

^^ this is wise IMO. There are reasons, logic, and even morals to support both telling and not telling your partner. Make the decision that best fits your situation. I would note that there are no kids in your case that would be impacted, but nonetheless IF you decide to tell you can pretty much expect a LOT of anger and distress, and a very substantial chance of divorce. Some men won't stay with a cheating partner, period. Others fold, but still others demand a LOT of "work" from their partner if she wishes to stay. Some of them go ahead and cheat themselves later anyhow, presumably out of spite or they figure the "stained glass window" of their marriage was already shattered by you, etc. Others can become quite sanctimonious while they "tolerate" you in their lives.

To be fair, they are enduring a LOT of distress as well as competing instincts to love and protect you versus what is very likely a strong urge to be rid of you. So of course it's not at all easy for them or anything.

[mark clemson]

On 12/16/2020 at 3:44 PM, Wanderingstar11 said:

But surely just say to me that he cannot carry on, feelings have changed or guilt kicked in or whatever and best of luck for the future.

If he does this, it presumably "officially" ends the affair. He may be reluctant to do that with "finality" as he may be struggling with how he feels - lots of guilt vs. attraction to you vs. worries about being found out and having to deal with divorcing, etc, etc.

 

On 12/16/2020 at 5:13 PM, Wanderingstar11 said:

So do you condone ghosting someone then after a 3 month relationship both emotional and sexual. Forget the cheating element temporarily (or include it actually) but do you feel that is acceptable behaviour? And i am not asking in comparison to anything else like cheating (which is obviously worse and was done by both parties). 

11 hours ago, Wanderingstar11 said:

True, but i cheated too just the same and would have the decency to tell someone it had ended rather than ghosting them

It's not the "unkindness" or morality of ghosting vs. that of cheating, it's that cheating is an abnormal situation, and expecting "the rules" of dating to apply in an affair is just not realistic to begin with. You wouldn't ghost in THIS situation, he would/is. Perhaps that's how he'd be in a normal situation as well, but perhaps not.

It's also possible his wife is checking on who he texts, etc, if as you say she is suspicious of him, so is avoiding using your number, etc. I'd say there's a low (but real) chance of this. He could presumably contact you some other way if he really, really wanted to.

You probably are focused on the ghosting aspect because ghosting is a bit of a slap in the face, and you thought/assumed/hope he cares about you. He probably did/does, but the situation is what it is. Emotions often conflict, particularly in an affair situation.

Edited December 18, 2020 by mark clemson

[healing light]

12 hours ago, stillafool said:

A man who was really in love, not married, no children would be packing up and ready to leave if he was serious.

He was, though, and she continued to give him a wishy washy answer with no certainty. Not sure what else he was supposed to do here. Imo, this is an example of self-sabotage by the original poster if she wanted to be with him. She didn't make a decision so he had to do it for her in order to stop his heart going through the wringer. I still think he was trying to force her into a decision by removing his hand. Best case scenario, he gets the girl. Worst case, he gets to heal and move on with his wife.

[DKT3]

This is hands down one of the oddest threads I've seen here in some time. Morals to break up with your side dude face to face like an adult,  but not adult enough to tell your partner you are changing the relationship? I'm not selfish enough to ghost him but selfish enough to have an affair.  

 

I really hope you are still not thinking clearly because if you are...??

[Wiseman2]

I have noticed this trend  when people can't accept the breakup, but won't admit that... They complain about the Way the breakup happened.

For example, people may complain it was a text, or over the phone or not in person or whatever.

Truth is you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't. There's just random anger at the person who broke up. Has nothing to do with the manner of the breakup.

Edited December 18, 2020 by Wiseman2

[DKT3]

48 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I have noticed this trend  when people can't accept the breakup, but won't admit that... They complain about the Way the breakup happened.

For example, people may complain it was a text, or over the phone or not in person or whatever.

Truth is you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't. There's just random anger at the person who broke up. Has nothing to do with the manner of the breakup.

Exactly... Ego. She has stated several times he is far more in to her then she is him...yet she is the one here going on. Truth be told, if she was as flippant about the affair as she claims I doubt she would be going on about it. 

I believe her ego is hurt, how dire he dump me. I believe she was likely the one more "in". Not wanting to live her partner doesn't mean she isn't more vested.