Understanding why I got ghosted!

[Wanderingstar11]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

I have noticed this trend  when people can't accept the breakup, but won't admit that... They complain about the Way the breakup happened.

For example, people may complain it was a text, or over the phone or not in person or whatever.

Truth is you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't. There's just random anger at the person who broke up. Has nothing to do with the manner of the breakup.

I completely do accept the break up though and in restrospect its good it happened as there was no future in continuing. It is the manner of the break up I am struggling with and I have no reason to lie about that. The purpose of the thread was to try get some insight as to why someone would not just say how they felt in the circumstances I set out.

I get that people will then analyse my character, talk about ego, selfish, dont care about my partner, no morals etc.  Again, the thread is focussed on one area, I could go on about how I should have never done it, what I need to do now, what made me do it but I will work on that and wasnt asking directly about that.

[Wanderingstar11]

46 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Exactly... Ego. She has stated several times he is far more in to her then she is him...yet she is the one here going on. Truth be told, if she was as flippant about the affair as she claims I doubt she would be going on about it. 

I believe her ego is hurt, how dire he dump me. I believe she was likely the one more "in". Not wanting to live her partner doesn't mean she isn't more vested.  

Yes it does hurt your ego when you are ghosted but I can cope with being dumped if someone at least tells you like a normal person.

I definitely wasnt the one more in or I would have left my partner. Obviously without knowing the full situation and discussions with AP you can choose not to believe that. 

[Wanderingstar11]

3 hours ago, healing light said:

He was, though, and she continued to give him a wishy washy answer with no certainty. Not sure what else he was supposed to do here. Imo, this is an example of self-sabotage by the original poster if she wanted to be with him. She didn't make a decision so he had to do it for her in order to stop his heart going through the wringer. I still think he was trying to force her into a decision by removing his hand. Best case scenario, he gets the girl. Worst case, he gets to heal and move on with his wife.

Yes I can understand  that but wont ever get not just telling me as opposed to ignoring me when it ended. 

[Wanderingstar11]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

If he does this, it presumably "officially" ends the affair. He may be reluctant to do that with "finality" as he may be struggling with how he feels - lots of guilt vs. attraction to you vs. worries about being found out and having to deal with divorcing, etc, etc.

 

It's not the "unkindness" or morality of ghosting vs. that of cheating, it's that cheating is an abnormal situation, and expecting "the rules" of dating to apply in an affair is just not realistic to begin with. You wouldn't ghost in THIS situation, he would/is. Perhaps that's how he'd be in a normal situation as well, but perhaps not.

It's also possible his wife is checking on who he texts, etc, if as you say she is suspicious of him, so is avoiding using your number, etc. I'd say there's a low (but real) chance of this. He could presumably contact you some other way if he really, really wanted to.

You probably are focused on the ghosting aspect because ghosting is a bit of a slap in the face, and you thought/assumed/hope he cares about you. He probably did/does, but the situation is what it is. Emotions often conflict, particularly in an affair situation.

Thanks for your comments on this. I think you are right that my focus on the ghosting is a slap in the face and totally unexpected and contrary to what I know about him and how we were when we were together and when we were in contact. He definitely wont contact me as there are other ways he could do but in all honesty I wouldnt want him to. 

I do not have any interest in him as an AP and there is nothing he could say to exlplain his actions anyway, not that he wants to of course.

Yes the cheating is an abnormal situation so its sometimes hard to see perspective.

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, Wanderingstar11 said:

I completely do accept the break up though and in restrospect its good it happened as there was no future in continuing. It is the manner of the break up I am struggling with and I have no reason to lie about that. The purpose of the thread was to try get some insight as to why someone would not just say how they felt in the circumstances I set out.

I get that people will then analyse my character, talk about ego, selfish, dont care about my partner, no morals etc.  Again, the thread is focussed on one area, I could go on about how I should have never done it, what I need to do now, what made me do it but I will work on that and wasnt asking directly about that.

We get cheaters that start here all thinking these are separate issues, when in fact they are all connected.  Your unwillingness to accept that you were dumped comes from the same place as your mindset that allowed you to cheat, as is your desire to convince us that the AP was more into you.

To those you're trying to convince the truth is obvious.  

As an example have you told your partner your cheating? Of course not, now explain how that's different then the AP ghosting you and not telling you? They are both unilateral decisions that affect someone else,  right?

[Wanderingstar11]

16 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

We get cheaters that start here all thinking these are separate issues, when in fact they are all connected.  Your unwillingness to accept that you were dumped comes from the same place as your mindset that allowed you to cheat, as is your desire to convince us that the AP was more into you.

To those you're trying to convince the truth is obvious.  

As an example have you told your partner your cheating? Of course not, now explain how that's different then the AP ghosting you and not telling you? They are both unilateral decisions that affect someone else,  right?

Well for a start my partner doesnt know anything about the affair so it would be for me to willingly disclose that. Im not going on about the rights and wrongs of that this minute.

AP has left a relationship that I was part of therefore fully involved in and knowledgeable about with no explanation. I was curious as to why.

You have already made your mind up about me though that this is because I cannot get over AP when that is not the case at all but you think what you want to. I was just seeking some feedback about thr situation!

[DKT3]

12 minutes ago, Wanderingstar11 said:

Well for a start my partner doesnt know anything about the affair so it would be for me to willingly disclose that. Im not going on about the rights and wrongs of that this minute.

AP has left a relationship that I was part of therefore fully involved in and knowledgeable about with no explanation. I was curious as to why.

You have already made your mind up about me though that this is because I cannot get over AP when that is not the case at all but you think what you want to. I was just seeking some feedback about thr situation!

Actually you're not. How can anyone here tell you why he ghosted you except he simply no longer wanted to be involved with you...you don't accept that because you keep saying  "oh he is amazed by me, even his sister says so". 

This narrative may play well in your head, but for us its mind tricks. 

Better question is, if you don't care why do you care so much?

Your partner not know about the affair doesn't change the fact that you made a unilateral decision that affects him. That you in a sense have ghosted the relationship he signed up for and you've never had a face to face discussion with him about it.  Unlike the AP to you, you do owe your partner something. 

Point being there is a great deal of delusional thinking going on here. 

Edited December 18, 2020 by DKT3

[BaileyB]

42 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

We get cheaters that start here all thinking these are separate issues, when in fact they are all connected.  Your unwillingness to accept that you were dumped comes from the same place as your mindset that allowed you to cheat, as is your desire to convince us that the AP was more into you.

To those you're trying to convince the truth is obvious.  

As an example have you told your partner your cheating? Of course not, now explain how that's different then the AP ghosting you and not telling you? They are both unilateral decisions that affect someone else,  right?

And now, she has decided that he could contact her, but she doesn’t want him too. She has said a few times that if he was to come back, she no longer wants him... and in so doing, she has taken the upper hand - she has now rejected him!

Of course, everything is connected and there are many things here that are discongruous.

This is all rather typical of the affair dynamic. People are on a need to know basis. It’s all about who has more power, and the partner who is less invested usually has more power. 

Edited December 18, 2020 by BaileyB

[Wanderingstar11]

9 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Actually you're not. How can anyone here tell you why he ghosted you except he simply no longer wanted to be involved with you...you don't accept that because you keep saying  "oh he is amazed by me, even his sister says so". 

This narrative may play well in your head, but for us its mind tricks. 

Better question is, if you don't care why do you care so much?

Your partner not know about the affair doesn't change the fact that you made a unilateral decision that affects him. That you in a sense have ghosted the relationship he signed up for and you've never had a face to face discussion with him about it.  Unlike the AP to you, you do owe your partner something. 

Point being there is a great deal of delusional thinking going on here. 

You obviously have a fixed view of me and my motives but I can categorically tell you you are incorrect. Despite you seeming to know more about the situation than me. 

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Your partner not know about the affair doesn't change the fact that you made a unilateral decision that affects him. That you in a sense have ghosted the relationship he signed up for and you've never had a face to face discussion with him about it.  Unlike the AP to you, you do owe your partner something.

Bingo! 

These are hard truths, but this is it in a nutshell...

[Cookiesandough]

I find it hard to believe that you would not ghost if it benefited you. You obviously had moral issues with cheating( said you feel ‘terrible’) too, but that didn’t stop you. You struggle to see(or maybe not) that it is benefiting him in some way. He is choosing this method for his own reasons that we do not know. Maybe he feels the same, or maybe he has no qualms with it oncesoever. There was a period in my life where I ghosted people and I actually thought I was doing them and myself a huge favor. That is because I do not like confrontation, personally. It feels extremely awkward to break up with someone. I wouldn’t want to be dumped face to face. Plenty of suggestions have been thrown out. Maybe your ego cannot handle being disregarded. Or maybe wisemen is on track by saying that you are actually displacing  your frustration on the method, and not the actual break up. But again, only he knows exactly why he has done this.But it is better to just accept it for what it is and move forward. 

Edited December 18, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wanderingstar11]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

And now, she has decided that he could contact her, but she doesn’t want him too. She has said a few times that if he was to come back, she no longer wants him... and in so doing, she has taken the upper hand - she has now rejected him! That is most definitely about ego. 

Of course, everything is connected and there are many things here that are discongruous.

This is all rather typical of the affair dynamic. People are on a need to know basis. What’s good for the goose is not good for the gander. It’s all about who has more power, and the partner who is less invested usually has more power. 

I have not said I expected or wanted him to come back . I have said I dont feel the same for him anymore anyway so would have no interest in continuing anything. 

You and DKT3 obviously have some fixed views of things, which is fair enough. I can only say you are incorrect about all of this only being about ego and upperhand. So i will respectfully disagree 

[Wanderingstar11]

4 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Forgive my skepticism,  but I do not believe that you would not ghost if it benefited you. You obviously had moral issues with cheating( said you feel ‘terrible’) too, but those that certainly didn’t stop you. You struggle to see, or maybe not, is that it is benefiting him in some way. He is choosing this method for his own reasons that we do not know. Maybe he feels the same, or maybe he has no qualms with it oncesoever. There was a period in my life where I ghosted people and I actually thought I was doing them and myself a huge favor. That is because I do not like confrontation, personally. It feels extremely awkward to break up with someone. I wouldn’t want to be dumped face to face. Plenty of suggestions have been thrown out. Maybe your ego cannot handle being disregarded. Or maybe wisemen is on track by saying that you are actually displacing  your frustration on the method, and not the actual break up. But again, only he knows exactly why he has done this.But it is better to just except it for what it is and move forward. 

Well me personally I would want to be dumped face to face, and AP is very similar personality to me and very upfront and would not be scared of telling me (so i thought). I even suggested it on the phone several times so he could have taken that method. 

I do agree i need to move on from it now as I will likely never know the reason. Plus I am getting quite a hard time on here! I can understand but its hard when people get very strong views about you based on my posts and without knowing the whole background.

[Cookiesandough]

Accept. Sorry I’m using voice to text

[Cookiesandough]

31 minutes ago, Wanderingstar11 said:

Well me personally I would want to be dumped face to face, and AP is very similar personality to me and very upfront and would not be scared of telling me (so i thought). I even suggested it on the phone several times so he could have taken that method. 

I do agree i need to move on from it now as I will likely never know the reason. Plus I am getting quite a hard time on here! I can understand but its hard when people get very strong views about you based on my posts and without knowing the whole background.

People around here can be pretty judgmental and not too many wayward/other persons apologetics around here. Other forums for that. Since you say that he is a pretty upfront person, it could also be that he is just really afraid of ‘cracking’ if he talks to you. Maybe he does not want to be talked out of his decision. There’s also the possibility that he is leaving the door open and does not want to close it completely with anything that he might say right now. Just putting the possibility out there. I wish you the best moving forward

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

I have noticed this trend  when people can't accept the breakup, but won't admit that... They complain about the Way the breakup happened.

^^^ This
Unfortunately there is no good way to split up for the person who is blindsided or who doesn't want the split.
Discussing it for months, prolongs the agony and leaves the dumpee in limbo.
Being oh so rational and cold, leaves the dumpee feeling rejected, sad and lonely.
Being oh so friendly and logical, leaves the dumpee with hope that things could get better and it is not the end...
Stomping off in a hissy fit,  if totally uncharacteristic can also lead to hope unless underlined with more of the same behaviour.
Text, email, messaging can seem rather abrupt and inappropriate for longer relationships...
Fading away, going MIA or ghosting are all rather cruel, but all are somewhat open ended, so a person may feel they have not actually closed the door and said what they feel, so that way they can perhaps pick it up again if their feelings change. 
Married and attached men seem to often do this. Maybe it is the personality of those guys who cheat, maybe they feel their OW will stick around regardless but I think some of them just need to lay low as they have a suspicious partner on their back, watching their every move....

[Wanderingstar11]

11 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

People around here can be pretty judgmental and not too many wayward/other persons apologetics around here. Other forums for that. Since you say that he is a pretty upfront person, it could also be that he is just really afraid of ‘cracking’ if he talks to you. Maybe he does not want to be talked out of his decision. There’s also the possibility that he is leaving the door open and does not want to close it completely with anything that he might say right now. Just putting the possibility out there. I wish you the best moving forward

Thank you, appreciate your input.

[Narie]

Ghosting can really be traumatizing. My first boyfriend ghosted me, like suddenly he was gone and I have no way of even contacting him or talking to him ever again. It made me traumatized even up after decades has passed. It changed me to the point that in all of my relationships, I asked them to never do that. Ghosting is actually as traumatizing as being cheated.

One thing I realized is that people changed after they got married for years. The people you knew from childhood may still seem like the same person to you but life changed them. What you may think is something they will never do because you know them, ended up being something they can actually do. Some people get scammed by their long time friends or even best friends because of it.

Thing is, we are not with them 24/7, we can only see the part of them that they want us to see in few hours of being with them. Even their spouse who are with them everyday doesn’t know they can actually cheat.

Your friend may have been that way when he was young. That may have been something you know about him. But the rest? You know nothing about. So even if you think he is someone who wouldn’t ghost you, he actually turned up to be that person who actually can. Like you, you, him and everyone who knows you and even you, yourself- never thought that you can cheat but turned out you can

IMO, people who can ghost you are people who actually really didn’t care. Or didn’t really think much if your relationship. People who actually think of the relationship as something that became part of their life, will end it to you properly. 
The moment someone ghosted you, that just means they didn’t care. Otherwise they will check on your messages and see how worried you were, and will let you know that they need to think about it first. But if they ghosted you, that just means they really don’t give much thoughts about it.

like you said, if you were in his position you will end it properly, you will tell him it won’t work or whatever. You told him he can end it anytime and you will understand, but he still choose not to tell you. He disrespected you and your history with his family. Turned out he was that kind of person who wouldn’t even care about how his sister is gonna face you.

There are people who you fantasize but ended up losing interest after being with them. I think that’s what happened here. The chase is over and he got you. He got you texting him. He got you asking first what’s the plan for the weekend.

You may say you weren’t into it but the moment you got excited for his text. Excited for the weekend meeting with him. Started being active in texting him. And even texting him first about the plan for the weekend when he didn’t brought it up, can only means you were into it already. And he didn’t like that. He didn’t like the fact that he has to reply to you every time you message. The freedom and thrill was gone.

Edited December 18, 2020 by Narie

[Wiseman2]

Break-ups hurt, even when you know they're inevitable.

You really don't know why he ghosted.

Perhaps he promised his wife there would be no more contact, perhaps he didn't want a scene/confrontation, who knows?

All you do know for sure is that the inevitable happened and now you'll have to accept it.

[Bittersweetie]

I had an affair and I do have to agree that all the issues are more linked than you may realize right now. There was a couple of months in between when xAP ghosted me the second time and I had my d-day. And I thought a lot at that time about why did he stop things that way? I was beginning to feel uncomfortable with my actions yet when he suddenly disappeared, I was still angry and hurt and disappointed. How dare he do that to me? And I learned later those feelings had to do with my ego, the same ego that convinced myself it was okay to cheat, the same ego that put everything into a narrative in order to justify my choices. Because it was, really, all about me at that time. So as you examine your feelings related to this ghosting issue, you may also be able to carry those examinations into why you thought your choices were okay. Good luck.

Edited December 18, 2020 by Bittersweetie

[Mandy96]

On 12/17/2020 at 10:43 AM, BaileyB said:

 

So this woman is caring for his children from another woman while he is out wooing you? 

 

OMG he sounds like the bloke I was seeing, except his wife was caring for their twins while he was out cheating on her. 

What I’ve learned so far is that a man who can lie, cheat, and manipulate his wife is not a man that you can ever have a long lasting healthy relationship with that will pass the test of time. 
 

Also, while they act lovey with you, know they WILL throw you under the bus in an instant to save face with their spouse

I notice he wanted her to leave her husband while HE was still married to his wife, he wanted to make sure he could have her loyalty and want before he left his own wife, when she refused he ghosted her like she didn’t exist and stayed with the poor unsuspecting wife he cheated and lied to. 
 

What a great catch 🙄

Edited December 18, 2020 by Mandy96

[Wanderingstar11]

11 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said:

I had an affair and I do have to agree that all the issues are more linked than you may realize right now. There was a couple of months in between when xAP ghosted me the second time and I had my d-day. And I thought a lot at that time about why did he stop things that way? I was beginning to feel uncomfortable with my actions yet when he suddenly disappeared, I was still angry and hurt and disappointed. How dare he do that to me? And I learned later those feelings had to do with my ego, the same ego that convinced myself it was okay to cheat, the same ego that put everything into a narrative in order to justify my choices. Because it was, really, all about me at that time. So as you examine your feelings related to this ghosting issue, you may also be able to carry those examinations into why you thought your choices were okay. Good luck.

I dont disagree with much of what you say but I have never thought my actions were ok with the cheating. We both knew it was wrong and have never done anything like that before so I cannot justify any of that. 

With the ghosting, yes some of it may be ego in that am I not even worth dumping in person, but it really is the confusion and not knowing. Im hearing bits he has said to his sister after and its nothing he couldnt say to me. I would 100percent be fine if he ended it in person or even via phone. Yes i would be upset for a bit but I would have an explanation of some sort.

And ghosting or not, i have considered my choices and I know I will never put myself in this situation again. Too many people to get hurt unnecessarily. 

[Wanderingstar11]

9 minutes ago, Mandy96 said:

 

I notice he wanted her to leave her husband while HE was still married to his wife, he wanted to make sure he could have her loyalty and want before he left his own wife, when she refused he ghosted her like she didn’t exist and stayed with the poor unsuspecting wife he cheated and lied to. 
 

What a great catch 🙄

None of the parties are married, not that that matters. And to be accurate he didnt ask that of me, he was willing (he said!) to end things there and then with his partner if he knew I would end up being with him but we spoke about how that could happen and I couldnt say that it would or it would be any time soon.

Not that it makes any difference to how he has acted and the whole situation!

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps he promised his wife there would be no more contact, perhaps he didn't want a scene/confrontation, who knows?

OP nor MM are married.  They live with their partners.  He has kids with someone else who his partner takes care of.

[Millennial]

On 12/16/2020 at 9:00 PM, Wanderingstar11 said:

No need to be sorry. I am honestly over the relationship. I get not wanting to contact me again but just tell me that. I have known him over 30 years. I see members of his family every week as they are good friends of mine. He knows i am a calm person and would have understood and accepted NC. He even asked his sister about me after all this too but no backbone to have let me know how he felt. 

Like i say, there is much more to the story and neither of us have cheated before (and i never will again!)

You told his sister about the affair and got her involved. That is quite far for a non-committal casual relationship.

In casual relations, people drop in and out. It's quite normal to simply stop without explanation and turn up again just the same. If either person has a big problem with that, then they probably wanted more. Different agreements need to be made, but you are obviously meant to be committed to different people. That's the point of people pointing out the conflict of discussing the ethics of breaking off an unethical relationship.

With regards to a very sudden stop, it can be a lot of things. Can be a build up that the guy is considering it for a while. Same thing happened with me when a woman kept increasing the amount of times we saw each other. We had a date set that I didn't want to go to, and I broke things off with her via text. Explanations were not good enough in that case, but I only did so since we had made definite plans prior that I needed to excuse myself from.