Understanding why I got ghosted!

[Wanderingstar11]

2 minutes ago, Millennial said:

You told his sister about the affair and got her involved. That is quite far for a non-committal casual relationship.

In casual relations, people drop in and out. It's quite normal to simply stop without explanation and turn up again just the same. If either person has a big problem with that, then they probably wanted more. Different agreements need to be made, but you are obviously meant to be committed to different people. That's the point of people pointing out the conflict of discussing the ethics of breaking off an unethical relationship.

With regards to a very sudden stop, it can be a lot of things. Can be a build up that the guy is considering it for a while. Same thing happened with me when a woman kept increasing the amount of times we saw each other. We had a date set that I didn't want to go to, and I broke things off with her via text. Explanations were not good enough in that case, but I only did so since we had made definite plans prior that I needed to excuse myself from.

When this started, his sisters were present at the social event and saw us talking and how close we were and how well we got on. They know he already liked me and then he asked his sister shortly after (they didnt know we had been in contact at this point) if I was happy in my relationship so they knew how he felt. All through this they were saying we were a good match (but I had never liked him before so it was never a topic before).

So she wasnt actually that shocked when I told her. Actually, due to him going from being perfectly normal and loving to suddenly no contact and not responding (we did have plans to meet the next day too but had not arranged specifics) I was worried something had happened to him! At least you sent a text to the woman in question. 

And it wasnt really a casual relationship in that it was just sexual or anything as ive said in other posts.

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, Birdies said:

my point is, having been there done that, it takes a very selfish-thinking person to decide to cheat on your spouse/partner. And it behooves us to do some digging as to how we allowed ourselves to make those choices, and to try to learn from it and become a better person.

I don’t think any of these statements are controversial, lol

 

That's fair. I don't think it's particularly controversial say that up and leaving a partner who loves you and has you embedded into their life to go find new lovers is selfish either. The person basically has the same motives as a cheater and is ensuring they will cause significant harm.

Is cheating selfish? Yes.

More selfish than divorcing? Debatable.

Divorcing is completely unselfish?  Of course not.

 

10 hours ago, Birdies said:

Nor am I advocating that she necessarily tell her partner or divorce him.

Fair enough.

 

10 hours ago, Birdies said:

I’m not bashing.

You certainly were bashing: using hyperbole, etc. I don't feel the need to delve into this, but I can explain to you exactly how I know IF you'd like. Perfectly happy to drop it as well, no harm done.

Edited December 18, 2020 by mark clemson

[VD01]

1 hour ago, Wanderingstar11 said:

When this started, his sisters were present at the social event and saw us talking and how close we were and how well we got on. They know he already liked me and then he asked his sister shortly after (they didnt know we had been in contact at this point) if I was happy in my relationship so they knew how he felt. All through this they were saying we were a good match (but I had never liked him before so it was never a topic before).

So she wasnt actually that shocked when I told her. Actually, due to him going from being perfectly normal and loving to suddenly no contact and not responding (we did have plans to meet the next day too but had not arranged specifics) I was worried something had happened to him! At least you sent a text to the woman in question. 

And it wasnt really a casual relationship in that it was just sexual or anything as ive said in other posts.

No matter how much he likes you in the past, that was all in the past. Certainly he doesn't like you enough to wait. Doesn't like you enough to take a risk 

Even though he says he loves you more than his partners.  He certainly didn't like you enough to keep going. 

Few months was enough. 

Although you said you don't like him as much as he liked you, you were willing to take a risk to keep him. Was looking forward to date that he actually has no interest of going to. And even forget the shame by telling your friend that you are cheating on your husband.

Actions speaks louder than words. Based on the action, you are more into it than he is into you. Everyone can say "oh he likes you. You two look good together " but in the end words are just words. It can be said easily by anyone even if they don't think of it that way.

 

He ghosted you, means he didn't really think much of you that way.

That's why it hurts because you believe they love you, they care about you but in the end they couldn't even say goodbye to you - that makes you feel like a trash, used and fooled. Because they put you in pedestal then suddenly dropped you like a hot potato.  That  hurts yes. 

And I think the reason why you keep saying that he is more into you is because yes, it hurts to think that he wasn't. That he just lied and fooled you.

"Am I just like that for him? Someone he can let go so quick without  a second thought? Someone who doesn't even deserve an explanation? I thought he loves me. He was so into me. So how can he just dropped me like that? We were fine just few days ago and then suddenly he lost interest? Why? What happened?"

The question and feeling of being cheated on and dumped, they're almost just the same. Except in ghosting you won't get a lie, a fake reason. 

What he did is cowardice.  You can tell him that if you that's what will make you feel better. Tell him he is the worst for doing that. 

Edited December 18, 2020 by VD01

[ExpatInItaly]

Maybe his partner has caught on and told him to cut all contact with you, OP. Who knows what version of events he might have conjured up to make her think it's all you pursuing him. Maybe she's got access to his phone now or some such thing. 

Either way, you must have realized that he is self-serving. He carried on an affair with you when it suited him (as did you, obviously), thus putting his own needs and desires ahead of his partner's. So it shouldn't come as too much of a shock that he's now doing the same thing to you - going radio silent when it suits him. You've learned something that you needed to know about him: he doesn't think the same way you do. He operates differently. 

Some questions I would consider now are: what are you going to do if this is exposed and your partner finds out? Or if he pops back up again in a few weeks?