Author Wanderingstar11 Posted December 17, 2020 Author Share Posted December 17, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Bandit123 said: OP you come across very selfish, not to mention very hypocritical. It's all about you you you. You seem to have no respect for your current partner and to be honest your actions are a lot worse than this 'ghosting'. Karma. What goes around comes around. Maybe start looking at your own actions in all of this and how it affects others. Take it as accepted that it is obvious i feel bad about cheating on my partner and also his partner. Just because i dont mention it in every post (as my original focus was the ghosting) doesnt mean I am not well aware that I have acted badly. I was just interested in views of why my AP chose to just go blank on me. It's a given that I dont condone any of my actions leading up to all this. Edited December 17, 2020 by Wanderingstar11 Link to post Share on other sites
Maylady Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 I've been ghosted by my AP. It seems obvious now that we cared about our "connection" more than he did. Once the wife either found out or got suspicious... we were disposable. Like immediately. I tried to reach out after our d day...but he was done. I was blocked on all social media and email and texting. I guess he showed his true colors. They are just the bottom of the bottom. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maylady Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 I'm guessing you and I are just not all that important...or even important at all. We dont matter in their lives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 I don’t condone it, wanderingstar. I think it’s wrong. Just to adding some explanations why it might happen 1 Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 I'm not sure what else you expected to happen in this scenario. You have a guy you KNOW who has liked you basically as long as he's known you. You always put the brakes on it, always had the power. Finally, he gets a chance with you--so clearly he has been more invested this whole time than you. Decades of a crush, while yours was only 3 months in the making. He told you he would leave her for you. He gave you a choice. You put him in the worst possible position--in limbo land, in a grey zone--not a full rejection but not a full acceptance of his offer, either, while you had your cake and ate it, too. It tortured him so he needed to cut you off cold turkey so you would be forced to s*** or get off the pot. That was a reasonable response--he doesn't owe you anything with your yo-yoing. You and he do owe your partners your fidelity, though; and if you're so unhappy as to cheat, then you owe it to them to exit the relationship. If he had continued to play the pick me dance it would have destroyed him over time. Yes, it's on him to leave his crappy relationship, but honestly not sure why you are surprised he kicked into self-preservation mode. Why would he tell you it was over when you sound like you have been a lifelong affliction for him? He doesn't have it in him to reject you face-to-face (after all, he wanted more), but he also didn't owe that, either. That's the nature of affairs with married partners. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 Well, he really doesn't owe you an explanation. If you are as honest with yourself as you claim, you should have known an abrupt end was the most likely outcome... Like the others, I found it extremely troublesome that you find him doing right by his wife as worse then you doing wrong by your partner. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 9 hours ago, Wanderingstar11 said: . Especially as he impressed on me so much to let him know if i ever started to feel differently and that we could always say how we were feeling. Agree you are lucky it's finally over. You can now reflect on all the lies he told you, including the one above. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wanderingstar11 Posted December 17, 2020 Author Share Posted December 17, 2020 21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Agree you are lucky it's finally over. You can now reflect on all the lies he told you, including the one above. indeed 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 The other reason that people use ghosting is that in order to break up with someone face to face they need to be ready with all the answers and stick to their guns. Some know they will fold and end up not saying what they really wanted to say, or worse still not breaking up at all. Faced with angry or upset or just sad people, they can often duck out and not go through with it. They end up frustrated as they really want to break up but doing it is just so difficult. If there is one very dominant partner, then they know they will be bulldozed into staying when that is the last thing they want to do. If one partner is very invested then shattering all their hopes and dreams can be very traumatic, some do not want to be emotionally blackmailed into staying. Ghosting is thus seen as the answer, it mutes all input from the other person, it takes away all their power. No arguments, no emotional scenes, no derogatory names, no raking up of past events...etc. Just silence. 6 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wanderingstar11 Posted December 17, 2020 Author Share Posted December 17, 2020 3 minutes ago, elaine567 said: The other reason that people use ghosting is that in order to break up with someone face to face they need to be ready with all the answers and stick to their guns. Some know they will fold and end up not saying what they really wanted to say, or worse still not breaking up at all. Faced with angry or upset or just sad people, they can often duck out and not go through with it. They end up frustrated as they really want to break up but doing it is just so difficult. If there is one very dominant partner, then they know they will be bulldozed into staying when that is the last thing they want to do. If one partner is very invested then shattering all their hopes and dreams can be very traumatic, some do not want to be emotionally blackmailed into staying. Ghosting is thus seen as the answer, it mutes all input from the other person, it takes away all their power. No arguments, no emotional scenes, no derogatory names, no raking up of past events...etc. Just silence. Yes I can understand all that. I am just more disturbed by this situation as I already know the person well and thought he was decent. I am best friends with his sister and even she cannot understand him just cutting off all contact the way he has. And he was more emotionally invested than me. Told me to my face all the time how much he loved me, he wanted a future with me, he wanted to end it with his partner immediately (i know everyone will say thats what they all say but i do believe him). I was always honest with him that I didnt know what the future would bring. He does really know there would have been no histrionics from me by him saying how he felt at the end. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 Is he the type who tries to avoid conflict when he can, doesn't like to be "the bad guy"? If so, it could be he was just too much of a coward to end things with you, face to face. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wanderingstar11 Posted December 17, 2020 Author Share Posted December 17, 2020 3 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said: Is he the type who tries to avoid conflict when he can, doesn't like to be "the bad guy"? If so, it could be he was just too much of a coward to end things with you, face to face. I think he must be to some extent but i did think he had integrity too (i know that is rich considering we were cheating on our partners). I gave him several get outs such as if things were getting too much at home i think we should end it and he never took me up on any. In fact was upset I suggested it. I think from discussions with his sister, it has all got too much (understandable) he said he meant everything he said but I was in a different place to him (not ready to change my situation). Sister told him i understood and he should have told me and he knew that too but head messed up apparently. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, Wanderingstar11 said: And he was more emotionally invested than me. Told me to my face all the time how much he loved me, he wanted a future with me, he wanted to end it with his partner immediately (i know everyone will say thats what they all say but i do believe him). I was always honest with him that I didnt know what the future would bring. Either he got wrapped up in the fantasy and was future faking with you - and he was unable to have the conversation you you, deal with your disappointment, so he chose to avoid all possible conflict... Or, you dragged your feet, he realized what he had to lose, and decided it was too much to risk for a woman who was only partially invested. Who wants to risk their whole life for a woman who says, I love you, but... I do think the fact that the wife was suspicious is a big part of the story. He may have had no other choice but to ghost you... despite what he may have said, he has clearly decided his marriage and his family were the priority. Edited December 17, 2020 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wanderingstar11 Posted December 17, 2020 Author Share Posted December 17, 2020 5 hours ago, DKT3 said: Well, he really doesn't owe you an explanation. If you are as honest with yourself as you claim, you should have known an abrupt end was the most likely outcome... Like the others, I found it extremely troublesome that you find him doing right by his wife as worse then you doing wrong by your partner. Im not worried about the abrupt ending moreso the lack of having the balls to tell me. As i have said elsewhere (none of the parties are married by the way, not that that is significant) me talking about this in no way negates any of the cheating. People think i dont feel bad about that but i actually do. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 Well it basically sounds like a fling and now it's over. I don't believe everything he told you about his feelings for you or he would not have ghosted. Maybe he thought he felt a certain way all these years but after sex he cooled off and went home. Who knows, maybe he's wanted to have sex with you for years and confused it with love. A man who was really in love, not married, no children would be packing up and ready to leave if he was serious. Not finally getting the woman of his dreams and then ghost her. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 Yup! Your fun has ended, he has gone home to his wife, whether he told you in person or walked away... the end result is the same. Time to accept that and move on... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wanderingstar11 Posted December 17, 2020 Author Share Posted December 17, 2020 13 minutes ago, stillafool said: Well it basically sounds like a fling and now it's over. I don't believe everything he told you about his feelings for you or he would not have ghosted. Maybe he thought he felt a certain way all these years but after sex he cooled off and went home. Who knows, maybe he's wanted to have sex with you for years and confused it with love. A man who was really in love, not married, no children would be packing up and ready to leave if he was serious. Not finally getting the woman of his dreams and then ghost her. He has two children, and a partner who is financially dependent on him and who he relies on for childcare too whist he works. i do agree with you that everything he told me was not true or he wouldnt have ghosted. I do believe he would have given his partner up but he knew I would not have done the same. I know there will be cynics but there is more background that makes me sure of this. Anyway, its over now, for the best Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wanderingstar11 Posted December 17, 2020 Author Share Posted December 17, 2020 9 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Yup! Your fun has ended, he has gone home to his wife, whether he told you in person or walked away... the end result is the same. Time to accept that and move on... Yup agreed Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 Karma. You 'messed around' with a cheater. No surprise when he doesn't do the honorable thing later either. By definition he is selfish. Not sure it is realistic to expect him to all of a sudden be selfless and caring of others. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wanderingstar11 Posted December 17, 2020 Author Share Posted December 17, 2020 5 minutes ago, notbroken said: Karma. You 'messed around' with a cheater. No surprise when he doesn't do the honorable thing later either. By definition he is selfish. Not sure it is realistic to expect him to all of a sudden be selfless and caring of others. True, but i cheated too just the same and would have the decency to tell someone it had ended rather than ghosting them Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 4 minutes ago, Wanderingstar11 said: He has two children, and a partner who is financially dependent on him Oh, so this man has a family? If he has been so sure all these years that she isn't the one for him why hasn't he left instead of having kids with her? One can still have a baby momma(s), and pay child support without living with them. His story doesn't add up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 2 minutes ago, Wanderingstar11 said: True, but i cheated too just the same and would have the decency to tell someone it had ended rather than ghosting them What about the decency to tell your partners that you two have cheated? 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wanderingstar11 Posted December 17, 2020 Author Share Posted December 17, 2020 (edited) 12 minutes ago, stillafool said: Oh, so this man has a family? If he has been so sure all these years that she isn't the one for him why hasn't he left instead of having kids with her? One can still have a baby momma(s), and pay child support without living with them. His story doesn't add up. She is not the kids mother but has done a lot for them for the last 6 years. I wont go into detail but remember i know him and his sister is my best friend and i am close to the whole family so even if he wanted to he couldnt lie about his family arrangements (of course he could lie about how good or bad things are) but i mean the logistics Edited December 17, 2020 by Wanderingstar11 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Wanderingstar11 said: She is not the kids mother but has done a lot for them for the last 6 years. So this woman is caring for his children from another woman while he is out wooing you? Edited December 17, 2020 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wanderingstar11 Posted December 17, 2020 Author Share Posted December 17, 2020 3 minutes ago, BaileyB said: So this woman is caring for his children from another woman while he is out wooing you? Well i am certainly not proud of what I have done but that was his choice to pursue things with me knowing his situation. Of course I should not have reciprocated. I am well aware of how badly I have acted Link to post Share on other sites
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