He wants someone exactly like me?

[BrookeJ99]

I've been working with this guy for a little over a year.  When I first met him he didn't talk to me (but seemed very open and outgoing with everyone else) and he just seemed like a ass, I didn't like him. (Later found out he's just like me, shy around new people and won't talk first but outgoing around people we know). After a few weeks we were forced to interact and we just clicked. 

Fast forward to a year and he's by far one of my best friends. Problem is I've also developed a major crush on him.  I was married when we first met, I'm now separated but still legally married. He had a gf that he's been on and off with the entire time. She's a very manipulative and toxic person. He also has some major legal stuff coming up that he's dealing with, its false but very serious. Anyways, neither one of us are in a place to be starting a relationship.  

I was talking to him last night about why I left my husband. That we've never been in love, that we we're always just comfortable.  But I miss that spark, that connection and feel like we (husband and I) both deserve better. My crush says "Like what we have!" And then goes on to explain that if he could find a girl that he has what we have together than that'd be perfect and that's exactly what he's looking for.. He also makes sure to clarify multiple times that we can't be anything more than best work buds because we both have too much going on. 

I actually understand what he means,  it's obviously not a good time for either of us to start a relationship but it bothers me that he acts like its never a possibility.  I feel like a connection that we have is super rare and shouldn't just be ignored. 

Also should note that we have slept together quite a few times in the last 4 months or so. But it was purely friends with benefits, which he was also trying to start up again last night.

I just need advice. I'm so emotionally confused. I really care for him and don't want to lose him.

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, Genie1022 said:

I actually understand what he means,  it's obviously not a good time for either of us to start a relationship but it bothers me that he acts like its never a possibility.  I feel like a connection that we have is super rare and shouldn't just be ignored. 

Also should note that we have slept together quite a few times in the last 4 months or so. But it was purely friends with benefits, which he was also trying to start up again last night.

He didn't say that it's "not a good time", he said that you and him can never be more than friends.  You can either accept that, or allow yourself to continue to be strung along and potentially hurt.  If he was really interested in being with you, he would be with you.

It's not a good idea to have a FWB thing with someone who you have strong feelings for.... you are just setting yourself up to get hurt.  This guy has made it crystal clear that he can't give you want you want.  Why would you want to chase someone who doesn't want to be with you?

[Miss Spider]

Sex only zone.
 

This is something that guys hear a lot. “You’re so sweet! Why can’t I find a guy like you?” While they have him firmly posted in the friend zone( male equivalent of sex only zone)
 

He’s just not that into you. Sorry

Edited December 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Bandit123]

As a man I don't see anything that's confusing, it all looks pretty simple to me.

He sees you as someone he likes to sleep with, nothing more. Very common. I've had loads of women like that in the past. You are not the one for him and he knows it.

If you are happy being FWB then sure carry on. If you want anything more, then you are wasting your time. Not happening with him.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, BrookeJ99 said:

.. He also makes sure to clarify multiple times that we can't be anything more than best work buds because we both have too much going on. 

 we have slept together quite a few times in the last 4 months or so. 

Ok, you can enjoy NSA sex for now or distance yourself if you are getting attached.

 He comes with a warning label. Make sure you don't get your hopes up.

[BrookeJ99]

I appreciate the feedback. He's not into me, I needed the outside perspective.  There's a lot more that confuses me (like him ruining/showing up to my dates and telling the other guys in office I'm his GF and how he's going to marry me someday..) but I obviously should distance myself a bit. But because I'm going to distance myself anyways and it'll be weird for our friendship (we talk all day every day) already I'm just going to woman up (I mean we're both in our 40's, too old for games!) and ask him straight up when we have our lunch date in 20 minutes. Get all my answers and fully close that book. 

[Fletch Lives]

It sounds like his heart is still taken by his girlfriend. Don't be the other woman, don't date a guy with a girlfriend.

Edited December 17, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[spiderowl]

Sounds like he's messing you around emotionally. Saying he wants someone just like you and telling people that you are his girlfriend, then in parallel effectively saying you are not the one, is bound to be confusing.  It could be that he is dropping hints that he really likes you and is waiting to see what your response is, but he put forward the idea that it is not the right time for starting a new relationship so this is a red flag.

I do think you should withdraw from him rather than confront him.  Make yourself less available and before you do so, tell him he can't call you his girlfriend.  I would not say much more than that, just spend less time with him.  I know you get on great with him and would miss his company but he is messing you around and taking you for granted.  I think you need to draw a line so that he can see you are not going to let him play games.

What I would not advise doing is to confront him and ask him where he stands.  There is no point putting him on the spot because he might not be sure himself.  Best to let him miss you and make him work for your time if he does not want a relationship.  Treat him as a friend but be more distant.  He is going to notice the difference, especially if you withdraw the sex too.

I think this guy is being wishy-washy.  He has no right to tell others you are his girlfriend and, in fact, I would correct him on that when they are there.  Once he knows he can no longer 'lay claim' to you and that he risks losing you altogether, it will focus his mind somewhat.  At the moment, he is playing all angles of the game, which means he does not have to sort out his own mental confusion, and you are the one being pushed and pulled.  Refuse to be pulled and see what happens.  It will throw him off balance, that's for sure.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/17/2020 at 1:17 PM, BrookeJ99 said:

 I obviously should distance myself a bit. we're both in our 40's, 

If he's on/off with his GF, a lot of his nonsense is string along talk and to flatter himself with your crush.

Don't ask him out. Shut him down. If he were interested you wouldn't be confused.

[Watercolors]

What I don’t understand OP, is why you allowed any of this to happen in the first place, with your male coworker. 

Especially given the fact that you’ve been sleeping with him, while he is in a relationship with another woman; whom he’s technically cheating on by sleeping with you. 

If you really wanted out of this situation, it’s as simple as this: you stop sleeping with him and go back to being platonic coworkers at your job. Stop making excuses. You are both in your 40’s, so waiting for him to dictate the terms of your arrangement seems pointless. He’s sleeping with two women at the same time, both of whom don’t seem to care about exerting boundaries with him, in order to emotionally and physically protect themselves. 

Have you been tested yet for any STDs? I guarantee you, that he’s probably not using protection between you and her when he sleeps with you both. I mean, even if he tells you that he is, you have no way to prove he’s telling the truth unless you get the STD tests. How can you be ok, sleeping with him, knowing he sleeps with his girlfriend? Why do you think you have lowered yourself to acting this way with a guy who has verbally told you, and shown you, that he will never give you a real romantic relationship with him. 

 

[Watercolors]

12 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I would not advise doing is to confront him and ask him where he stands.  There is no point putting him on the spot because he might not be sure himself.  Best to let him miss you and make him work for your time if he does not want a relationship.  Treat him as a friend but be more distant.  He is going to notice the difference, especially if you withdraw the sex too.

They are both 40-somethings. This isn’t high school, 90210. She’s never been straight with him to begin with. She’s allowed him to dictate the direction of their clearly dysfunctional connection - coworkers who sleep together but aren’t in a committed relationship. She needs to be direct with him and put him on the spot or she will never go through with ending this nonsense. 

And you want to advise her to play games with him? That’s horrible advice. 

OP, you need to be the adult in this scenario and tell him plainly, and clearly, that are you unhappy with this ongoing FWB situation and are putting a stop to it right now. And then just stop having sex with him and go back to being platonic coworkers. Do you think you can manage that? Draw some clear boundaries with him? 

If you can’t do that, then quit your job to get away from him, so that you can start over. Do not play coy games with him or expect him to give a s*** about your feelings, b/c he’s shown you that he doesn’t respect you anyway. He has you right where he wants you already; a woman he can emotionally manipulate for sex at his convenience, while he also has sex with his girlfriend. 

Four months now, you’ve participated in this toxic triangle with your male coworker and his on/of again girlfriend. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t want a romantic relationship with you. There is no confusion here about how he feels about you: he just sees you as someone fun to have sex with, who he works with. That’s it. 

Edited December 24, 2020 by Watercolors

[Watercolors]

On 12/17/2020 at 12:17 PM, BrookeJ99 said:

I appreciate the feedback. He's not into me, I needed the outside perspective.  There's a lot more that confuses me (like him ruining/showing up to my dates and telling the other guys in office I'm his GF and how he's going to marry me someday..) but I obviously should distance myself a bit. But because I'm going to distance myself anyways and it'll be weird for our friendship (we talk all day every day) already I'm just going to woman up (I mean we're both in our 40's, too old for games!) and ask him straight up when we have our lunch date in 20 minutes. Get all my answers and fully close that book. 

But you’re not really confused. You already know where you stand with him; that you’re just someone fun he has sex with at his convenience. 

You both need to stop acting this way with each other. How can you acknowledge that you’re too old for games, yet here you are, actively participating in what’s a really toxic situation for you, the guy, and his poor unsuspecting on/off again girlfriend. You’re not some naive high school aged kid. 

What answers do you think he can give you? He’s already told you he won’t date you. He’s in a relationship with another woman. He just sleeps with you on the side, and you allow it, b/c you have feelings for him, which you lie to him about having (and to yourself). 

If you are in turmoil about this, it’s your responsibility to end the sex with him.You haven’t even addressed the fact that you know he’s actively cheating on his girlfriend with you all this time. How does that make you feel? Jealous? Do you want to be his girlfriend instead? If you two talk every day, then you should be comfortable enough with him to tell him that you regret ever agreeing to the FWB arrangement because you have genuine romantic feelings for him, that he doesn’t reciprocate. If you can’t have an adult conversation with your “best friend” then what do you expect? He can’t read your mind. If you want change, it has to come from you. 

[stillafool]

On 12/17/2020 at 1:17 PM, BrookeJ99 said:

There's a lot more that confuses me (like him ruining/showing up to my dates and telling the other guys in office I'm his GF and how he's going to marry me someday..) but I obviously should distance myself a bit.

My gawd, please make him stop doing this.  It sounds so unprofessional and you don't want people viewing you this way.  They know you guys are having sex.