Pain

[lavender16]

It's 1.53 am here and I'm googling ways how to cope with this heartbreak. It sucks so bad because the last I was in this state was in February. The month he left me. 

Background story: My ex and I had been together for 1 year plus but he was the only man that talked about plans on getting married. We were that serious that we did met up with both of our parents to talk about it. I really thought , hey he is the one like FINALLY. We plan on our savings, how our wedding going to be ; those typical things. I was never insecure whenever I'm with him, he made me feel the best and secured. He came from a not well to do family while on the other hand my family is quite well to do. It takes some time for my family to accept him but finally they did. They loved him. 

Trust me he wasn't the best looking guy out there, to begin with he wasn't even my type but I was so deeply in love with him. Right after we met our parents, things started to change. He was in the army so it's normal that he will be uncontactable for days. Usually right after he's done with the mission he will get a week leave and during his leave he will meet me ALMOST EVERYDAY. He was distance with me and didn't want to meet because he was tired. I was the understanding partner and gave in. However, on his social media he kept on saying or showing to people he was sad. There's this girl who kept replying to him saying things like things will be okay and all. I know who was that girl. Let's name her X. X was someone who used to like him but she left as he find that he's ugly. But after a while she saw how my ex was treating me. My ex really was treating me like a QUEEN (lol). She did text my ex during our r/s saying she regret leaving and she wish she didn't leave him. I don't understand why are you texting him such things?? Hence, when she saw him feeling sad, she took the opportunity.  Of course, I saw and asked him why is he replying to her and saying I wasn't comfortable with it. He kept assuring saying she isn't a threat to our r/s and kept defending her. We been fighting about it for weeks. I totally don't understand why can't he just stop contacting her then keep pursuing this matter? Unless they really are talking or meeting behind my back?  He kept avoiding to meet me to settle things , of course I was crying feeling so sad. I tried to be so understanding and gave in regarding this issue. I reluctantly gave in and told him that I was fine with him talking to her as friends. He was so happy. Things started to fall into place for a week plus until that weekend.

That weekend he wanted to go to the club. Usually we go to the club or to have fun TOGETHER. So I was telling him okay we will go together. He was super angry that I wanted to go with him and told me to just stay home. I was so upset. I know how he is like when he is drunk and all. I wasn't okay being at home worrying about what he will do in the club without me being there. You guys may think , I don't trust my partner. Yes I don't trust when he is drunk and also after seeing how he react to his situation. I did brought up saying it's either you go with me or you leave me. He ignored me. He went to the club with his friends. I was crying so bad, I couldn't sleep. He log me out from all his accounts so I could not see what he was up to. Sucks right? Later around 1am, my friend texted me asking if I had broken up with my ex. I said NO and why? He was reluctant to tell me what's up. I kept insisting on asking him to tell me. He eventually told me he saw my ex dancing and kissing another girl. At this point I thought it is some random chick. I went down ALONE. I kept calling asking him to meet me and talk because I am there. He kept rejecting my call. I was helpless. I called my cousin to come down. He did. He wanted me to send me home because he saw me crying helplessly waiting for my ex to meet me. I didn't want to leave, I really wanted an explanation. At this point, I was already crying on the floor. He eventually came. Guess who was the chick he's with. It was the girl who he told me not to worry about. Right in front of her, he told he was long done with the r/s. I was begging on the floor asking why? I thought we were all fine? Everything was so fine. I kept begging but he just took the cab with her and left me. 

I was in so much pain. I have exams few days after, I wasn't even prepared for it. I kept trying to reach out to him , hoping for an explanation or even closure. I kept blaming myself for everything. Maybe if I wasn't controlling enough this wouldn't happen. Maybe if I was more understanding? Or Maybe I gave up all the guy friends I had (he was insecure about my guy friends). Months passed , he talked to me. I was feeling a lil better. He told me what happened that night. He told he wasn't cheating on me. He told me they were dancing with group of friends. I want to believe , I really want to believe. I believed. I forgave him. We ended it maturely. Covid happens and there was lockdown so he did reach out to me couple of times. Having conversation with me like the good old times. I did asked about the girl. He said they are just friends. After the lockdown we met up couple of times. I still do love him and I would be lying if I wasn't hoping for another shot. There was times the girl would call him feeling sad because apparently she was dating someone new. It breaks me to see how quick he picked up and was there for him but when we were together for that 1 year never once , he did that. She even bought him a gift. It got me thinking but I brushed it off. 

Now here's the part that made me crying all over again. On the first week of November , just nice it was his birthday. I went to a store and got served by her. It was the most traumatic and uncomfortable experienced ever. I was trying not to cry but I kept it cool. She has the audacity to even talk and serve as if she did nothing wrong. From that day onwards, I told myself "'you know what , forget about everything and lead a happy life''. After so long I was living my life, I was meeting my friends, I was so content and filled with love. Till recently. I saw them. I went to stalk their social medias. They have each other initials on their bio and all those couple things. My heart broke so bad. WHY? He lied to me. He played me. I saw that girl saying how proud of him as he did text me telling me to never bother him anymore. I didn't thought of him having a new partner or anything since he told me it would take a long time to move on from me. BULLs***. It's heartbreaking to see all that. It all make sense in a way. He tried to hide everything so he won't be seen as a CHEATER. I honestly don't mind if whatever I saw that night was true , at least I can move on from it but he can even tell me not to worry about it. AND NOW look he's with her. I don't know what else to say but he really played me. He lied. HE LIED. From the beginning there was nothing wrong with me. My heart is in so much pain because I loved him whole heartedly knowing he has NOTHING. I was giving my all. Honestly he was the last person who I thought will CHEAT on me like just look at him. He was so genuine and in love with me. We barely had any fights till that last month of our r/s. It's been weeks I couldn't stop crying. How do I move on from this? I wanted an explanation from him but there's nothing to talk about. IT IS WHAT IT IS. HE CHEATED HE LIED. All along he been talking to her during our r/s but they were on off as he was unsure of her. He told everyone I was the cheater in the r/s. I was the toxic one in the r/s. Look at me now? Crying over him while he's out there in love. I feel so miserable. I didn't know it would be this painful. It's so hard for me to go out there to meet new people. I did try but no I don't feel it. I don't even open up to them about anything. How do I stop this? How do I moved on from this. This is so painful and heartbreaking. 

[Gaeta]

Lavender1: I am so so sorry for the pain you are going through. 

There is nothing that will stop the pain except acceptance and time. Heartbreaks are hard, we all go through them, and we survive. Your first step is to delete everything of him and do not look him up on social media. Erase him from your life. Then confine in a close friend, a sibling, your parents, they will be your support. It's better you discovered what a liar and cheater he was before marrying, can you imagine you discover this once married! This guy has hurt you and he will hurt this woman he's dating as well, and he will go through his life cheating and lying to all the women he'll date/marry. You are way better without him. 

For now, be kind to yourself, It's normal to have good days and bad days. Soon you'll have more good days. In 3 months when the covid is under control go back to dating. Life has to go on. 

[poppyfields]

Oh my goodness lavender, I don't typically read lengthy posts but I read yours, every last word, and gotta say it's one of the most heartbreaking stories I've read on this or any site, I'm so so sorry.  (((BIG virtual hugs)))

I'm not sure I have the right answer for you other than I experienced an extremely painful breakup myself several years ago, circumstances were different but my ex cheated as well, and at times the pain was almost unbearable.  

But I got through it, with the help of friends, family and my wonderful therapist.  She literally saved my life.

It took about two years to fully heal, and now today, several years later, I am engaged to an awesome man and getting married next year. 

And you know what?  Because of that painful breakup, I became stronger and wiser.  I learned from it and have grown, evolved.  

I promise that will be you too, but be patient with yourself because it will take time.  

You sound lovely and I have no doubt that you will someday meet the perfect man for you.  And have that wedding you always dreamed of.  

Don't be afraid to reach out for support.  You did the right thing posting here, the forum is a bit slow at the moment but hopefully others will chime in with their thoughts too.

Please take care lavender, I am going to say a silent prayer that you feel better soon.  xo

 

[Wiseman2]

Keep in mind that you dodged a bullet. He's a clown so be glad he's not your problem anymore.

The best thing you can do is delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media.

Perhaps you can work out some of this protracted sadness with a therapist who could help you unpack and sort some of this stuff out.