Final Straw

[StartOver]

Long time lurker sadly.  I’m going to give the shorthand version…..
Married 15 years, two kids (teenagers).  She has cheated on me twice with the same guy.  We have tried the couples counseling with some success.  Seems like every year we have some kind of melt down in our relationship.  Basically it always comes down to that I don’t ‘talk to her’.  I do, but not in the way she needs.  This last fight was really bad and I’m seeing it as the final straw right now.
I’m starting therapy tomorrow without her.  I need to clear my head and get an outsiders opinion.  She knows it.
She admitted this week that she’s an alcoholic (which leads to problems).  We have mostly stopped drinking but the couple times we have, it didn’t end well.  She’s also admitted she needs help.  Which is true given her terrible upbringing.  
I'm starting to realize that I'm usually happier when she's not around.  Don't get me wrong, we know how to have a good time on occasion but we don't on a daily basis.  Texting her during the day is more like an obligation than a desire.  I also don’t believe I make her truly happy.  I think I’m just ‘safe’ for her.
We have a fair amount of debt.  We have worked really hard on it for the past year.  I'd have to do some cramming but it's going to be rather difficult to rent two places.  I'm thinking we could finish our current lease together (since we have a spare bedroom for me) assuming things stay civil and appropriate.
I'm not that strong of a person I guess.  We have had the divorce talk since last weeks fight but I needed this week to process.  So any and all advice is great.  I think deep down I’m scared of starting over and feeling lost.
 

[d0nnivain]

Try going to an an on line Al-Anon meeting for yourself.  It's a support group for people who love alcoholics.  It may give you some insight, strength, understanding or peace of mind.  

[Ellener]

6 hours ago, StartOver said:

She admitted this week that she’s an alcoholic (which leads to problems).  We have mostly stopped drinking

You'll both need to stop drinking to live together, there's no 'half measures' with an alcohol problem, the answer is to stop and stay away from drinking triggers.

Good luck with your counselling.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, StartOver said:

I’m starting therapy tomorrow without her.  

She admitted this week that she’s an alcoholic 

Excellent start. Also check out Al-Anon for support and help with living with an alcoholic.

Do consult an attorney. You need advice even if you don't proceed with divorce.

For example, do you want an alcoholic around your kids?

When you discuss frankly all the considerations here with an attorney, you'll get step by step advice on how to protect your kids from an alcoholic.

The infidelities may not play a role in the divorce, depending on your jurisdiction.

However you may be able to get her out of the house with a restraining order to protect the kids from her alcoholism and incompetent parenting as a result.

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

However you may be able to get her out of the house with a restraining order to protect the kids from her alcoholism

1. alcoholism is just a label. There's no 'one size fits all' answer

2.it sounds as though the OP has had bouts of problem drinking

3. @StartOver is also saying *amicable* separation and there's a financial necessity to live together.

[StartOver]

The alcohol while a factor is hardly the largest problem.  When she drinks, she doesn't know how to stop.  Which is a type of alcoholism.  We have only drank a couple times (maybe 3?) in the past 6 months to give an idea.  I've never had a problem, just stupid college days.

If she was ever physically/mentally abusive to the kids, I would have walked away immediately.  She's a good mom which makes this difficult.

I love her but I don't feel 'in love' with her.  She still wants us, but again, I think I'm just the safe bet.  I want her to be happy in the end but I don't believe we make each other truly happy.  The whole starting over from scratch to me is terrifying.  I think I'm just worn down from the fighting/affairs/and everything in our past.  I've been far from perfect too and I've admitted that and my faults to her.  I'm coming to the realization that we aren't the right kind of people for each other.

[Dan111]

Hey,

my fiancé left the house 2 weeks ago and I think we sound similar to you in some aspects.

She feels we are not truly making each other happy and are just staying together because we have a house, it’s just safe and comfortable.

I understand your fear of going at it alone because that’s what I’m coming to terms with now, I also started to feel very much that when she was out I was enjoying it more her not being around. 
I felt I was always treading on eggshells.

she’s been gone 2 weeks now, she’s been moved out 2 weeks now.. I am missing her but sometimes it’s probably for the best. 
 

from what you’ve said it sounds as though you cannot continue, I would really struggle forgiving somebody who has had affairs. 

[ajequals]

Alcohol is a battle, Unfortunately. she has to want to give it up.. If she can you might just find the person you married all over again 

[StartOver]

Thanks Dan111.  Yeah it's nice to hear similar situations.  It's scary as hell after this long.  I know once all this is done and over, I will miss her. There will be rough days

Even if she's 100% sober, I don't think it really matters any more.  I hope she does for her own sake.  I'm starting to feel like she needs to get her own life in order mentally/physically.  

Therapy was great to get a lot off my chest. He was able to confirm my feelings and help with them slightly.  Never thought I would see the day that I enjoy therapy.  

[ctdans]

Did she ever say why she cheated on you twice?  And is it recently or early on your marriage?  Just curious as I would wonder, alcohol or not, why she went to someone else and not just talk to me.