Crying, begging, MORE crying and begging.

[NotVeryBright]

I don't know how to start.  Today, finally realized that I am not a strong intelligent woman which I always say that I am.  My father was alcoholic and a cold man.  Two marriages, one divorce, one left me a widow.  Both were alcoholics.  I just realized that my 6 year relationship is finally over and I don't know how to cope.  We met online. He was quiet, polite, took me everywhere and saw more concerts than ever before.  My boyfriend is 66 had seizures and his seizure center removed.... he doesn't cry or show emotion and is relatively a flat line emotionally. I grew to love him and we had great sex.  He says he enjoys sex with male and female and considers himself adventurous.  We were in a committed relationship - however, we fought a lot about his flirting, need for reaffirmation from other women and blaming me for everything.  Everything was my fault.  He is a dry alcoholic... hasn't drank in 30 years.  He was on dating sites seeking male sex and when we argued he immediately went on POF to search for females.  Needless to say, it's been a rocky road.  Argue, make up, promises of trust, etc.  Recently, I found him with a woman in his home after he promised again that I could trust him.  In fact, he promised that very day I found him with a woman in his home  -- that  he was getting old and was done flirting and cheating.  This was 2 weeks that that I found a woman in his home... things have been horrible.  He came over 4 days ago to talk and I exploded and asked how he could promise not to cheat and then the same day cheat?  NOW, he ;says I can see him but not in a committed relationship.  He also said maybe he didn't love me and wanted me to catch him.  He's ignored me for 3 days when I call it goes to voice mail,  I am heartbroken because 4 days he said he loved me.  My head is spinning or maybe I am just stupid.  I leave him voice mails and cry and beg and cry and beg and have no respect for myself.  This is as if I have been cheating on him and I am the perp not the victim.  I text and phone and cry and feel horrible about it because in my heart I know that if he loved me he wouldn't hurt me.  I am emotionally crippled and stupid.  I can't think clearly any more and hate myself for begging him not to leave me.  Everything is like I am in the Twilight zone.   I could use some advice. 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Have you read through the two pinned discussions at the top of the page in this section?  The no contact guide and the all new contact guide.

We have all been there.  The shock is hard to handle. We all cope in different ways.

The pinned discussions are amazing.  I read them over and over again until I was able to cope better and control myself again.

Sorry you are suffering.  It does get better you just need time to do it’s thing.

 

 

[NotVeryBright]

Thank you for reply... I am new on here... where are the pinned discussions ? 

[Cookiesandough]

I’m sorry. This betrayal is probably a very big shock for you. It will take you some time to heal from it. You didn’t deserve that . Be kind to yourself. Stop the negative self-talk. Your subconscious stores that stuff. 

[Cookiesandough]

18 minutes ago, NotVeryBright said:

Thank you for reply... I am new on here... where are the pinned discussions ? 

At the top of the forum page where you see the list of threads

Edited December 13, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Go back to the section where you posted this thread in breaks and breaking up.  At the very top are 3 permanently pinned threads.  They are always at the top.

Hang in there just take it one day at a time.  And be kind to yourself.  You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.

Believe me, even if you did get back together, it will NEVER be the same.  You will never trust that he truly loves you again.  

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, NotVeryBright said:

.My boyfriend is 66 had seizures and his seizure center removed.... he doesn't cry or show emotion and is relatively a flat line emotionally. 

Sorry to hear that. Whether it's alcohol neurological disease/trauma, whatever. You need to end it and stay no contact.

This is not about him.  This is about your own loneliness and greif.

See your doctor about the moods and a referral to a therapist.

Also check out Al-Anon. It's a support group for people affected by alcoholics.

[d0nnivain]

Break ups always leave one reeling emotionally.  Being upset is not a sign of weakness or stupidity.  However trying to continue on with a man like this is unhealthy. 

You are broken up.  Stay that way.  Doing so is smart & strong.  It sucks but you are smart enough & strong enough to do this.  Don't accept his friendship.  Grieve the loss of what you had hoped would be a good, lasting relationship but disconnected.  It's the best thing for you because you can't trust him & he doesn't love you enough to not continue hurting you.  

Get yourself checked for STDs.  You have no idea where he's been or with whom.  You have to be safe.  

Start going to Al-Anon meetings & ACOA meetings.  The 1st is for people who love alcoholics.  Those meetings will explain the behavior of your EX & your father.  It will help you understand your reactions to both & why you make the poor choices you make.  Once you know that you can avoid making the same mistakes going forward.  ACOA is Adult Children of Alcoholics.  That group will better help you understand yourself & the damage that was done to you.  You need to identify the problems so you can fix them.  

Best wishes.   

[NotVeryBright]

Is it normal that when I am the victim of  lies and cheating that my partner would turn the tables and blame me.  It was my fault.  I made him do it.  As mentioned in a previous post, I am in process of breaking up with a cheater and liar... who on  the very day he vowed on his dead parents graves, had another woman in his home.  This was four hours later after he vowed to never cheat... which now I find funny.  Holding my hand and saying he loved me and vowing his trust.  One day ago, I went semi-crazy... I called, he hung up, I called 20 more times, he put me in call forwarding.  He finally picked up and when he did... I started crying, begging, (remember I am the victim)... more crying and begging.  He said " you made me have a woman come over because you said you wanted to date younger men".  I honestly don't remember saying that... he is 10 years older than me.  That said... is it normal for the victim of  cheating and lying to then go into full reverse mode and beg, cry, and go through phone/messaging gymnastics? 

[basil67]

On 12/14/2020 at 8:12 AM, NotVeryBright said:

 however, we fought a lot about his flirting, need for reaffirmation from other women and blaming me for everything. 

NotVeryBright, viewing yourself as a victim is a very passive role.  It kind of does away with the fact that we have to look after ourselves and heed warnings when they come. 

In this instance, you had a huge red flag waving that he was not to be trusted.  Instead of heeding the warning, you stuck around fighting a battle which he made clear you weren't going to win.  You would have been far wiser ditching him long ago.   I want to be clear that I'm not trying to beat you when you're already down, but rather, I hope to see you to raise yourself from the role of victim into self reflection and knowledge which you can learn from. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, NotVeryBright said:

, I am in process of breaking up with a cheater and liar... 

If he causes you pain, it's best to make a clean break.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Free yourself from his drama and focus more on your own wellbeing 

[kendahke]

On 12/16/2020 at 9:44 PM, NotVeryBright said:

Is it normal that when I am the victim of  lies and cheating that my partner would turn the tables and blame me.  It was my fault.  I made him do it. 

Yes, when they don't want to take responsibility for their actions.

On 12/16/2020 at 9:44 PM, NotVeryBright said:

He said " you made me have a woman come over because you said you wanted to date younger men".

You didn't make/never have made him do anything he didn't already want to do of his own volition.  He does this to punish you.  His expectations are that you are to tolerate/encourage his freak streak without complaining or reprimanding him over it. When you do complain/reprimand, he cuts you loose and ignores you til you've broken yourself down sufficiently for him to gather up the chards of your esteem and go back to doing what he was always going to do, anyway: cheat on you til he draws his last breath.

Dry your eyes. Gather up your dignity. Block his phone number then delete it. Look into the pinned posts at the top of this thread and if you need more, call a therapist--they're doing tele-health sessions.

[NotVeryBright]

10 hours ago, kendahke said:

Yes, when they don't want to take responsibility for their actions.

You didn't make/never have made him do anything he didn't already want to do of his own volition.  He does this to punish you.  His expectations are that you are to tolerate/encourage his freak streak without complaining or reprimanding him over it. When you do complain/reprimand, he cuts you loose and ignores you til you've broken yourself down sufficiently for him to gather up the chards of your esteem and go back to doing what he was always going to do, anyway: cheat on you til he draws his last breath.

Dry your eyes. Gather up your dignity. Block his phone number then delete it. Look into the pinned posts at the top of this thread and if you need more, call a therapist--they're doing tele-health sessions.

'Thank you kendahke... I've finally opened my eyes.  I have hit rock bottom and have no self respect left.  I have had 2 counseling sessions and will continue.  He's blocked everywhere.  ;H's not only a vexation to my emotional well-being, but I honestly think he gets a "kick' out of breaking me down.  He thinks he's slick ... but the game is over.  I appreciate everyone who has helped me through this.  I love this site.  

[d0nnivain]

Glad you are in counseling. 

Learn about gas lighting.  When they are at fault but try to blame you -- it's a thing.  You can work through it with your counselor. 

[kendahke]

On 12/19/2020 at 9:33 PM, NotVeryBright said:

Thank you kendahke... I've finally opened my eyes.  I have hit rock bottom and have no self respect left. 

Yes you do.  You have more self respect than you give yourself credit for. The fact that you're getting professional help illustrates that.

And you are very bright, so stop discounting yourself.  We've had posts here from other women that have gone 30+ pages and they were so in denial about their reality that the mods had to lock the threads because of redundancy.  You are light years ahead of that curve. Stick with the therapy and keep coming here when you feel like you're faltering... we'll have your back.

[NotVeryBright]

OMG Thank you.. I needed that.  I actually am an intelligent woman...however, because of my familial background I am starving for reassurance of love and affection from men.  My father never said he loved any of his children, was cold and alcoholic.  I can't tell everyone how much they have helped me... I don't have many friends... so reaching out on this site was a God-send.  Hugs to everyone