Disapproving your teen girl choice of bf?

[Gaeta]

So, my teenage foster-daughter who's 16 has a new love interest. She came across a boy she knew 4-5 years ago on social media. They used to go to the same school in a city about 2 hour drive from here. 

She is completely under his spell, the boy is full of himself and tells her how he's great, how girls want him, how he'll totally charm me and I'll agree for them to date.

This kid is 17 yo, high school drop out, lives with his father who has abandoned parenting him. 

Claire has a good future in front of her. I do everything in my power so she has good grades at school, I spend a little fortune in tutoring, we already have picked her college, it's her dream to study and work in 3D. She's enrolled in driving lessons, we save for her first car...all this to tell you that her and this boy are from opposite world.

I have expressed to Claire many times now that I do not approve of this new love interest and on top of that he's long distance. She defends him of course and is set in going to meet him in January-February. Then from there, in her mind, they will be bf/gf and they can visit once a month (over my dead body!)

At the beginning when I didn't know much about him I had agreed to drive her to that city, to drop her at an old girl-friend for the day so she can spend the day with her old group of friends and she'd meet him, always in a group setting. I would stay in that city by myself, shop, go to a movie and then we would drive back. BUT, now that I know much more about this kid, I have a hard time honoring my promise we would go.

Of course, more I disagree about this boy, more she'll defend him. It's a catch-22.

 

[introverted1]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

So, my teenage foster-daughter who's 16 has a new love interest. She came across a boy she knew 4-5 years ago on social media. They used to go to the same school in a city about 2 hour drive from here. 

She is completely under his spell, the boy is full of himself and tells her how he's great, how girls want him, how he'll totally charm me and I'll agree for them to date.

This kid is 17 yo, high school drop out, lives with his father who has abandoned parenting him. 

Claire has a good future in front of her. I do everything in my power so she has good grades at school, I spend a little fortune in tutoring, we already have picked her college, it's her dream to study and work in 3D. She's enrolled in driving lessons, we save for her first car...all this to tell you that her and this boy are from opposite world.

I have expressed to Claire many times now that I do not approve of this new love interest and on top of that he's long distance. She defends him of course and is set in going to meet him in January-February. Then from there, in her mind, they will be bf/gf and they can visit once a month (over my dead body!)

At the beginning when I didn't know much about him I had agreed to drive her to that city, to drop her at an old girl-friend for the day so she can spend the day with her old group of friends and she'd meet him, always in a group setting. I would stay in that city by myself, shop, go to a movie and then we would drive back. BUT, now that I know much more about this kid, I have a hard time honoring my promise we would go.

Of course, more I disagree about this boy, more she'll defend him. It's a catch-22.

 

I'm inclined to say you should go ahead with your plan to bring her to her old stomping grounds in Jan-Feb and let her meet up with him. After that, it may not be so easy for them to see each other, what with covid, etc.  More to the point, by forbidding her to visit her old friends (and him), you may just reinforce her desire to be with him.  It would seem that the reality of their situation is that they'll be limited to text and maybe video calls. With luck, one or the other will meet someone closer to home and this will fizzle.

[Timshel]

Is Claire participating in ongoing therapy? If so, I would call and discuss with her therapist. It may be a good idea to have a session with her to discuss this, her therapist will help guide. It is likely that the recent break up you've had has triggered her abandonment issues (not your fault!) and this is something to consider and bring to her therapist's attention as well. 

He is hours away, that will work in your favor as she does not yet have a car or license. Her access to a vehicle would absolutely remain contingent on her consistency with schoolwork and perseverance towards productive goals.

I would not be afraid to sit my child down and say that on further introspection, I have changed my mind about assisting a relationship that could harm her. This is delicate but you have already raised a well rounded daughter, you have the tools.

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Of course, more I disagree about this boy, more she'll defend him. It's a catch-22.

haha...yup.   For this very reason, my mother's approach was to say nothing.  And when I tired of him, as I inevitably did, she'd then tell me that she didn't like him 😆

[Gaeta]

39 minutes ago, Timshel said:

Is Claire participating in ongoing therapy? If so, I would call and discuss with her therapist. It may be a good idea to have a session with her to discuss this, her therapist will help guide. It is likely that the recent break up you've had has triggered her abandonment issues (not your fault!) and this is something to consider and bring to her therapist's attention as well. 

She has a case worker that she sees once a month. She does not see a therapist, Claire doesn't want to talk to more people. I spoke privately to my case worker,  when you have a child from child-protection the foster-home has an assigned case-worker. My case-worker told me she supports my view that it's not something we want to encourage. She told me to not go against it as it would have the opposite effect but to let it unfold very slowly and they will tire out. I have not mentionned yet to my case-worker that my relationship has ended. She's visiting me around Jan 16th. 

Life has changed a lot in our home since he's gone. It's quiet. Before it was like a crazy house but in a good way with a lot of laughter. 

[contel3]

I agree with other posters who said it's better not to say much about not liking him.....having said that, why do you have to drive her to a city two hours away? You can say you changed your mind. If she really wants to be with him, she can figure out by herself how to do it. 

I'm surprised you ever agreed to drive her to a city two hours away during Covid. 

[elaine567]

As you are trying to change her mindset and life goals, so she has a better more fulfilling life...I am not sure how helpful it would be to take her back to her old stomping grounds... so she gets influenced by her old friends and this guy... I am not sure a 16 year old would be strong enough to withstand such a "nostalgic" onslaught.
As for the bf, you see a loser she sees a guy just like herself... abandoned by his parents...
What are her case worker's thoughts about your plan to drive up there with her?

[Gaeta]

18 minutes ago, contel3 said:

I agree with other posters who said it's better not to say much about not liking him.....having said that, why do you have to drive her to a city two hours away? You can say you changed your mind. If she really wants to be with him, she can figure out by herself how to do it. 

I'm surprised you ever agreed to drive her to a city two hours away during Covid. 

She lived in that city for a few years and has school friends there. Last year we drove there the 3 of us. We dropped her at her friend's parents. I went in, introduced myself to the parents, we exchange phone number etc. While she spent the day there ex-bf and I visited my brother and his wife not too far. 

I will not let her figure it out. Her solution would be to take the bus and go on her own. I also don't want to say no and one day I come home from work and she's gone there 'on her own'

We observe the covid regulations very closely. We will not go there until the government says it's ok. 

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

As for the bf, you see a loser she sees a guy just like herself... abandoned by his parents...
What are her case worker's thoughts about your plan to drive up there with her?

I had not put 2 and 2 together! You are right, they were both abandoned by their parents. 

Case worker is ok for a visit to her old friends and meeting this guy in a group activity. Part of it is to allow her to figure out herself a long distance relationship at 16 is not sustainable. 

Claire doesn't want to meet him alone. 

[Shining One]

What does your adult daughter have to say about the situation? In my admittedly limited experience, dating advice for teenage girls is better received from a big sister than from a mom.

[Gaeta]

@Shining one: My adult daughter and I are like good cop, bad cop. I'm the good cop and adult daughter the bad cop. 

My adult daughter wants to handle this the hard way and impose on Claire to drop this guy now......not gonna happen and it's going to bring them closer together against us. Then my adult daughter said she wants to speak to this guy and scare him good lol. I may allow that. 

[Allupinnit]

I wouldn't elect to drive her two hours away, either.  Let her keep saving up for her car.  

If they're two hours away this won't last.  I wouldn't argue with her, but I wouldn't actively participate in getting them together, either.  I know that thankfully, my taste in men dramatically improved after my teen years, so there's hope.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree that discouraging it will only fan her flames - but I wouldn't do anything to support it like driving her there.

[Gaeta]

Some last minute update:

We found him on fb, finally. I told Claire many times he speaks to her like he's full of himself, and he knows exactly what to tell girls. Now looking at his fb, the guy think he's something else and has LOTS of sexy young girls following him. I won't repeat what my oldest daughter said, that language isn't allowed here!

I asked Claire.....so you still talk to J? she said yes but much less, he's busy (he's busy?????lol) He also told her that 'they're not together' and she said to me very reluctantly It's ok he said that.

 

[ajequals]

went through this with my 15 yr old. I turned off the internet, took away then changed the number on her phone (she lost her contacts). took her to see a councilor ..No reason for her to be speaking to someone in another city. It's probably easier for fathers to stop such things. 

 

Edited December 18, 2020 by ajequals

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I agree that discouraging it will only fan her flames - but I wouldn't do anything to support it like driving her there.

Agree. Do you think she's just in the rebellious stage of teens and experimenting with the bad-boy thing?

[divegrl]

I am happy for the update. 
 

I hope they don’t meet up in January/February. But if they do, I would make sure it stays in a group setting during the whole day. 
 

Have a beautiful day friend. 

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

haha...yup.   For this very reason, my mother's approach was to say nothing.  And when I tired of him, as I inevitably did, she'd then tell me that she didn't like him 😆

The lockdown should be helpful, in following this approach... it’s not your fault they can’t meet... give it some time...

[elaine567]

11 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I asked Claire.....so you still talk to J? she said yes but much less, he's busy (he's busy?????lol) He also told her that 'they're not together' and she said to me very reluctantly It's ok he said that.

Sounds good.