Got friendzoned after 2 months of chatting and calling

[Mickie017]

Hi all,

I am completely new to this site and I'm not even sure if I chose the right subforum for this post. But anyways...

I don't have much experience with women, had only 1 relationship (18 months), I actually lost my virginity to this girl, I was 23. After that, I've had sex with 2 random girls, both times drunk and actually not even interested in them. I've been single for 3 years now and I'm 28 years old.

We had a job reunion with some people in October, I got into a conversation with a woman friend of mine and told her at some point of the evening that I'd like to meet someone. She texted me a week later - "I got a woman for you". She was drinking with her best friend, who happens to be single, and I later found out that she actually wanted my friend to set her up as well... She showed her my FB profile long before I even knew about her and she was interested, but she told my friend that she needed to deal with some stuff first.

So I told my friend that I would text her. I waited 5 days (had some things to deal with) and then did. She replied and we started talking. Immediately, I felt some kind of a connection that I had not experienced before. She's good looking, intelligent, has a decent office job, 25 years old. We just hit it off really nice.

My first mistake came after 5 days... She lives 100 kilometers (60 miles) away from me and we talked about getting a coffee sometimes. I asked her "how do you see us?"... The conversation wasn't in English so this is a rough translation, but I didn't mean it like that - I really wanted to ask how she sees the distance issue. But it sounded really, really bad. She obviously freaked out and since then, we call this "Wednesday", because that's when I did it haha. But I am pretty sure that I got through that because we kept the thing going for another 2 months.

Anyway, the conversation has been really great, then I got a number out of her in a funny way, called her and we talked for hours (and I was terrified of that because I am a bit shy).

Long story short, we really texted every day in these 2 months (couldn't really do more thanks to COVID and the lockdown in my country), called each other, dealing with all kinds of stuff, I was into her (still am) and she was into me (for sure, she told me when she frienzoned me).

Then suddenly, last Tuesday she sent me a picture with a bill / check from a McDonald's in my city and said "guess where I am, wanna meet for coffee?". That was on a work day at noon. I told her at first that I was pretty busy at the office but I knew I would go anyway... She obviously pressed me so I drove there. We finally met for the first time and I thought to myself - wow, even better than her photos. We talked absolutely casually for 2 hours. I went home with a great feeling.

Last Sunday (of course texting every day since the coffee - she was involved on the same level as myself), she told me that I probably push too much with her (we knew this before, had been making jokes about it since my "Wednesday") and I said that I knew I pushed more than I should, but reasonably in my opinion. Then I told her that I had no idea how she really sees us. She told me, that in all honesty, she just sees me as a friend who she has a great understanding with.

---

Well, this hurt me obviously and I lashed out on her, told her some mean things that I am certainly not proud of. In the end I wrote that I hope that she finds someone great and to have a nice life. She texted the next morning - "Hi *my name*, how are you?" I told her that I was doing bad, didn't sleep and couldn't work well. She asked if she could help me. I said no and that probably I wouldn't be very effective at work till Christmas but that's life. I even asked her why she didn't feel the same way like I did. She said that I hadn't done anything wrong but she just doesn't feel it and that she "cannot be with a man like myself".

Then I started reading some friend zone materials and I immediately saw myself doing the "typical" errors while getting to friend zone (being too nice, not showing enough confidence, pushing too hard...). I apologized to her for being an idiot on Sunday and said that I would like to be her friend.

Then I stopped being active in the texting - when she texted, I waited 30 minutes, or an hour, to reply. And only said the necessary, no questions. She was (and is) obviously confused by that.

Yesterday was the first day when we haven't communicated at all. Today she texted "Hi *my name*". I told her that I was doing great and I was busy at work. She said that she understands. Nothing since then.

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I guess that I wanna know if I have a chance to turn this around. She was clearly into me and I blew it by doing the typical "please put me into friendzone" mistakes. Is there any way out, considering that I was an idiot when she gave me the rejection? My plan now is to wait and see what happens.

Thanks for any advice guys

 

[Wiseman2]

Ok lay back a bit but not too much (or play text delay games) perhaps insert some light flirting and upbeat confident style messages. See how it goes.

[JTSW]

Unfortunately I think this ship has sailed.

Far too much went south.

I dont get why guys deliberately wait to answer messages. It doesn't help anything. In fact it pushes women further away.

[Cookiesandough]

I don’t know for sure, but my guess is that she used you for a coronavirus text/phone buddy the whole time. Also, I would not date someone that lives 60 miles away anymore unless there was a very strong connection and I could see us moving to be closer... nope. It’s too much hassle for one person or another 

Edited December 19, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ExpatInItaly]

I think she didn't feel the spark when you finally met in person, and doesn't know how to be direct about that. 

When you meet the right woman for you, you won't need to all these mental gymnastics with yourself trying to get out the Friend Zone. Her natural interest will make it clear that you don't need to campaign for her affection. 

It's going to be far better for you to accept that she just doesn't feel that romantic chemistry, and leave it be. 

[Lance Mannion]

On 12/17/2020 at 11:21 AM, Mickie017 said:

Well, this hurt me obviously and I lashed out on her, told her some mean things that I am certainly not proud of. In the end I wrote that I hope that she finds someone great and to have a nice life. She texted the next morning - "Hi *my name*, how are you?" I told her that I was doing bad, didn't sleep and couldn't work well. She asked if she could help me. I said no and that probably I wouldn't be very effective at work till Christmas but that's life. I even asked her why she didn't feel the same way like I did. She said that I hadn't done anything wrong but she just doesn't feel it and that she "cannot be with a man like myself".

Then I started reading some friend zone materials and I immediately saw myself doing the "typical" errors while getting to friend zone (being too nice, not showing enough confidence, pushing too hard...). I apologized to her for being an idiot on Sunday and said that I would like to be her friend.

Then I stopped being active in the texting - when she texted, I waited 30 minutes, or an hour, to reply. And only said the necessary, no questions. She was (and is) obviously confused by that.

Yesterday was the first day when we haven't communicated at all. Today she texted "Hi *my name*". I told her that I was doing great and I was busy at work. She said that she understands. Nothing since then.

---

I guess that I wanna know if I have a chance to turn this around. She was clearly into me and I blew it by doing the typical "please put me into friendzone" mistakes. Is there any way out, considering that I was an idiot when she gave me the rejection? My plan now is to wait and see what happens.

Thanks for any advice guys

 

There was a whole lot wrong with what you were doing and, well,  your instincts and personality.  There's a lot of ways I could dissect what went wrong, but the easiest way is to give you two maxims which capture most of what you need to know.

Women want to think that they won themselves a prize of a guy. If you place your value below theirs, then when they win you, what have they actually won, a guy beneath them. If the guy is someone they see as above them, they're very happy with that, they beat out other women and got you for themselves.

When she is assessing you, see wants to see self-confidence and strength, all you've been showing is weakness.

Your instincts are to show her how hurt you are, how dependent you are on her approval, how she can make you feel better by giving you her attention. You're like a Black Hole sucking in all of her emotional energy and she won't be attracted to that.

Now, can you turn this around.  Yes, but it won't be easy. Humans value more recent information more highly than less recent information. She's formed an impression of you, so what you need to do is to give her different impressions of you and this moves the already-formed impression back into her memory. She's not going to forget her initial impression, but her behavior and attitude towards you is going to be mostly informed by your more recent interactions.

This means you need to be stronger, more confident, more self-assured, be a man with a mission and purpose in life, show her that via facebook, pictures speak very loudly. Show photos of you interacting with friends and other women. Do you have a life that she would like to be a part of? Show that. Make your life more interesting and of the things you already do which are interesting, put them on facebook for her to see.

Also, hedge your bets and start interacting with other women. What you're doing to try to turn her around will also be of interest to other women. Be a man who is worthy of her. Your weakness before was not showing a man who was worthy of her and so, as you already know, that's why you were friendzoned.

[Leki]

I was just recently friendzoned last night actually haha 😅 but it sucks and I definitely hear you in the fact that we have to move forward and do better. Even though at the time i thought our feelings were very mutual it turned out that i was pushing her away.. now she wants to be a bit selfish and only want me for sex because well.. that’s probably one of the only things she’s been impressed with so far. But looking back i did show weakness by pushing the relationship and wanting more from her emotionally. Woman are complicated beings and will bend you over before you can finally stand upright. I just don’t get it! I thought woman loved the whole romance and the guy wanting to love and appreciate her. I mean isn’t that what woman want? There are woman out there that love a guy who slaps them around a bit and tell them you will never amount to anything. Anyway i do love and appreciate the girl who im now only friends with..  so i guess ill just have to go stealth mode to get her back. Meaning become a better man and show her what she will be missing other than my magic wand. Good luck bro