Why can't they let go?

[VD01]

I just wonder about cheaters.

If They cheat because there is void in their heart that their partners/spouse cannot fill. They cheat because they need attention and are unhappy. 

Then why can't they just leave?

My MM has got a new OW, I was in love with him all these time I thought he also feel the same way. I came during the time that his relationship with his wife isn't doin good. It went okay after years and he seems to be back in love with her. But now things are not okay and he seems tk be so in love with the new OW... like really in love - never have I seen him that way with me.

All I asked is for him to break it up with me. I want it to be from him. Block me and never reply to me no matter how many times I message.

Bit he doesn't want to do it. Whenever  I do NC he would contact me and tells me he loves me....I just do not understand this way of thinking. 

 

Are they that greedy? They want it all? Or just cowards? Or they just don't want to bear the guilt?

Edited December 17, 2020 by VD01

[pepperbird2]

3 minutes ago, VD01 said:

I just wonder about cheaters.

If They cheat because there is void in their heart that their partners/spouse cannot fill. They cheat because they need attention and are unhappy. 

Then why can't they just leave?

My MM has got a new OW, I was in love with him all these time I thought he also feel the same way. I came during the time that his relationship with his wife isn't doin good. It went okay after years and he seems to be back in love with her. But now things are not okay and he seems tk be so in love with the new OW... like really in love - never have I seen him that way with me.

All I asked is for him to break it up with me. I want it to be from him. Block me and never reply to me no matter how many times I message.

Bit he doesn't want to do it. Whenever  I do NC he would contact me and tells me he loves me....I just do not understand this way of thinking. 

 

Are they that greedy? They want it all? Or just cowards? Or they just don't want to bear the guilt?

Maybe it's for the best you don't understand him. He's not treating you well...do the reasons matter?

[basil67]

There can be many complex reasons why someone doesn't "just leave".  Not wanting to break a family/the couple has "an understanding/financial implications/mental health issues of one partner or the other.   I didn't leave my ex husband because I knew his mental health would suffer terribly if I left - and yes, he did attempt suicide when I finally went.  So to be honest, while leaving was ultimately the right decision, it's really hard to do so when you know what the outcome will be.

The rest of the story is about you.  If you want it over, YOU have to end it.  You have to block him. You have to walk way.   In short, it's up to you to look after yourself.   Sometimes  in life we will meet someone who's thought patterns we can never fathom.  Trying to work them out is impossible and trying to do so will just lead to the type of turmoil you are experiencing.  This is why you need to be the one who is strong.

[Miss Spider]

All of the above and some 

[stillafool]

43 minutes ago, VD01 said:

All I asked is for him to break it up with me. I want it to be from him. Block me and never reply to me no matter how many times I message.

Why would he block you?  You build his ego by chasing him and making him feel like a million bucks.  Then he takes his huge ego and libido to his new OW.  It isn't his job to protect your feelings.  That job belongs to you.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, VD01 said:

  Block me and never reply to me no matter how many times I message.

Why are you messaging him?

He should have been deleted and blocked from all your social media and messaging apps long ago 

You need to let go. If you're having a hard time with this, consider some therapy to unpack and sort some of this stuff out.

[VD01]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why are you messaging him?

He should have been deleted and blocked from all your social media and messaging apps long ago 

You need to let go. If you're having a hard time with this, consider some therapy to unpack and sort some of this stuff out.

I have been doing NC. The longest I did was 5 days but every time I think of how happy they must be and what they are doing and talking.  I ended up getting angry and started bombering him with text and calls. I kept telling him how much be hurt me. But he kept on denying.  I am trying nc again.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, VD01 said:

I have been doing NC. The longest I did was 5 days but every time I think of how happy they must be and what they are doing and talking.  I ended up getting angry and started bombering him with text and calls. I kept telling him how much be hurt me. But he kept on denying.  I am trying nc again.

Delete all of his contact info from every device you have so you can't reach out when you are upset.  

You do realize that the more you bomb somebody with texts & calls, the less they want you because you come off as unstable.  

[VD01]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Delete all of his contact info from every device you have so you can't reach out when you are upset.  

You do realize that the more you bomb somebody with texts & calls, the less they want you because you come off as unstable.  

Yes..problem is I memorized his number...

I am trying NC again. He will be back on this site next year and will definitely be checking in the hotel where I work... 

I really hope pandemic is over by then and I could find new job. And move on.

[d0nnivain]

Well un-memorize it.  At least make it hard on yourself to contact him.  Whenever you feel the urge, don't.  Instead call a friend, go for a walk, speed clean your house.  Do anything except call him.  Wait at least 24 hours before you act on the impulse to call him. 

If you check the reservations & realize he's coming to the hotel where you work, make arrangements to have those days off if possible.  

[VD01]

9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Well un-memorize it.  At least make it hard on yourself to contact him.  Whenever you feel the urge, don't.  Instead call a friend, go for a walk, speed clean your house.  Do anything except call him.  Wait at least 24 hours before you act on the impulse to call him. 

If you check the reservations & realize he's coming to the hotel where you work, make arrangements to have those days off if possible.  

I still do not know how to move on from it. But I am trying and trying.  It hurts every time I think it's over. This quarantine thing doesn't help either as I cannot go out like I used to except work. At night is the worst where I lay in bed and started to think of it.

 

I am doing NC. Christmas will be sad. I will miss him. It as a good thing I saved some of our chat archive and diary.  It turns out it was around this time of year last year when he also started acting differently. 

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, VD01 said:

I am doing NC. Christmas will be sad. I will miss him. It as a good thing I saved some of our chat archive and diary.  It turns out it was around this time of year last year when he also started acting differently. 

No that is a BAD thing.  Every time you re-read this, every time you reach out, every time you think about him you are setting yourself back by continuing to keep yourself tethered to him.  Stop. 

You are putting the onus on him.  You can't do that.  You already know he's a bad guy.  He cheated with his wife.  He continues to string you along because he knows he can.  he likes the attention & validation you give.  You can't wait for him to block you.  You have to be strong enough to stop contacting him. 

Write a list of all the rotten things he's done to you that you know about him.  You know he's a liar.  You know he's a cheater.  You know he has a new GF.  You know he hasn't been nice to you or fair.  Keep going.   Then figure out why you want somebody like that back.  Also stop thinking you need to hear the words from him.  His actions are screaming at you that he's done.  He has a new GF on top of his existing wife.  You shouldn't need more so stop whining that you do.  Be strong for yourself.  

[VD01]

10 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

No that is a BAD thing.  Every time you re-read this, every time you reach out, every time you think about him you are setting yourself back by continuing to keep yourself tethered to him.  Stop. 

You are putting the onus on him.  You can't do that.  You already know he's a bad guy.  He cheated with his wife.  He continues to string you along because he knows he can.  he likes the attention & validation you give.  You can't wait for him to block you.  You have to be strong enough to stop contacting him. 

Write a list of all the rotten things he's done to you that you know about him.  You know he's a liar.  You know he's a cheater.  You know he has a new GF.  You know he hasn't been nice to you or fair.  Keep going.   Then figure out why you want somebody like that back.  Also stop thinking you need to hear the words from him.  His actions are screaming at you that he's done.  He has a new GF on top of his existing wife.  You shouldn't need more so stop whining that you do.  Be strong for yourself.  

Thanks.  I kept the archive so I can remind myseld of alk the lies he told me. Maybe I will start by listing things down..right now there is really nothing that interest me. I just really wish I can stop thinking of it. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

What you resist persists. Instead stop with the attempts to control:

1. his behavior

2. Your feelings

3. His thinking

4. His choices.

Put your focus on what you can control...YOU! and your choices, behavior, etc.

You are addicted to him because you are looking to him to validate you, your worth, that you are loveable.  All those things need to come from you for yourself. Therapy would help. Even CODA meetings or books or videos on co-dependency would help you.

Stop trying to understand anything and everything about him, and get busy on trying to understand anything and everything about you!

[VD01]

10 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

What you resist persists. Instead stop with the attempts to control:

1. his behavior

2. Your feelings

3. His thinking

4. His choices.

Put your focus on what you can control...YOU! and your choices, behavior, etc.

You are addicted to him because you are looking to him to validate you, your worth, that you are loveable.  All those things need to come from you for yourself. Therapy would help. Even CODA meetings or books or videos on co-dependency would help you.

Stop trying to understand anything and everything about him, and get busy on trying to understand anything and everything about you!

I guess so too. I think I became overly obsessed with him....trying to win him back... thanks for the advice.  I will try reading about it.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

15 minutes ago, VD01 said:

I guess so too. I think I became overly obsessed with him....trying to win him back... thanks for the advice.  I will try reading about it.

Good. Don't look at anything that will remind you of him. It will only trigger your longing and extend your pain. 

Think of it like any other addiction...if you want to quit drinking, you wouldn't walk into a liquor store to just look at the bottles, right?  Do not feed your impulse to think of him, remember him, or wonder why things are the way they are. Focus on making yourself better. 

[notbroken]

He wants to keep you on the back burner in case he wants to use you more (yes) - for sex, emotional support, ego inflation, etc.  Don't participate in that.   Dump him. Hard.  Don't chase cheaters and liars.  It won't work out.  How could it?  You went with a cheating, liar,  user of women, etc guy.    It is not reasonable to expect it to work out.  

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, VD01 said:

I have been doing NC. The longest I did was 5 days but every time I think of how happy they must be and what they are doing and talking.  I ended up getting angry and started bombering him with text and calls. I kept telling him how much be hurt me.

It seems that you are the one who can’t let go, not him. 

The question you are really asking is, why won’t he leave to be with me. There could be any number of reasons why he chooses to stay.

There are some things that are just not ours to know... You need to find a way to accept that unfortunately (or fortunately) for you, he is where he wants to be...

[VD01]

54 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It seems that you are the one who can’t let go, not him. 

The question you are really asking is, why won’t he leave to be with me. There could be any number of reasons why he chooses to stay.

There are some things that are just not ours to know... You need to find a way to accept that unfortunately (or fortunately) for you, he is where he wants to be...

It is true that I cannot let go, especially the first two months. I did nothing but tell him how hurt I am. I did nothing but bombard him with calls and text messages, I felt ashamed because I obviously look crazy... I even called him 100 times.

I did NC and break it and did NC again and break it.

I was weak because every time I will unblock him and saw all of his messages while he was block I always end up replying. 
Then we talk and I get jealous again and block him again. Then he will use someone else’s number to contact me again and I will be fooled again. It went on and on.

My question wasn’t just for me though. I was just really curious, why not just leave his wife if he’s unhappy that he will need to keep cheating? The same way as why would he keep me if he is already in love with someone else. If I will stay with him there will be three of us now that he has to play with.

I am currently doing NC and just two hours ago I received messages from him again, he just made new account to message me. 
Right now all I could do to entertain myself and keep my mind out of it is read threads in here.

[VD01]

3 hours ago, notbroken said:

He wants to keep you on the back burner in case he wants to use you more (yes) - for sex, emotional support, ego inflation, etc.  Don't participate in that.   Dump him. Hard.  Don't chase cheaters and liars.  It won't work out.  How could it?  You went with a cheating, liar,  user of women, etc guy.    It is not reasonable to expect it to work out.  

This might be it. 
It may not be the sex anymore but just the thought that someone wants him.

it is my fault that I let him fool me for long and especially my fault to keep in relationship with him even after finding out that he is a MM.

I just wish I can be numb and no longer care.

[Mandy96]

I think there’s two realities

One is the ACTUAL reality that these men don’t care about anyone but themselves 

The second is the reality we built up in our heads based on the few moments and highlight reels that bring us happiness and ignoring all the bad.

When you fall in love with someone you’ve spent any amount of time with, you feel like they feel a connection as well because of things they’ve said or done and how good you feel you just think how could they not care too ? But it’s all a facade they truly only care about their needs, their comfort and their happiness, not yours. 
 

I’m not saying we need to become self absorbed and not focus on others, am just saying we need to become better at abandoning ship sooner when a guy is putting in 10% and fluff talking more than actions while we put in 90%. That’s why we take longer to get over it than these blokes. 
 

Am going to start reading some self help books like another user suggested on here, it’s time you care about YOU. 
 

Next time you wonder how he is doing and who he is with, wonder what YOU are going to be doing and with whom or where YOU are going. 

[BaileyB]

28 minutes ago, VD01 said:

I am currently doing NC and just two hours ago I received messages from him again, he just made new account to message me. 

That would really irritate me and make me angry. It’s unbelievably disrespectful, not to honour your wish to go no contact. I would have no patience for this kind of behavior... i would be tempted to tell his wife, just so that he would leave me alone... but, that’s just me. 

As to why he doesn’t leave if he is unhappy... how do you know he is unhappy in his marriage? I’m sure he has told you this, but respectfully... that’s what they all say...

And another point to ponder, why do you continue to engage in this affair when it is clearly making you very unhappy? Are you not actually doing the very same thing, just a different relationship definition/dynamic?

Edited December 19, 2020 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

Your questions are akin to asking "why did the mugger grab my pocketbook on the street?" Well, there are lots of possible answers, but the answer doesn't matter.

Mugger tries to rob you. You report the mugger, let yourself get angry at the mugger, get support from friends for your fears and so on.

If you cannot answer "why" your MM stays in contact with you, then you have no business dating a MM. Why wouldn't he stay in touch with you? Doesn't matter either way. 

But you want an answer: he stays in contact with you because he can, because you cannot say no, because he knows you'll put up with anything. So as soon as he gets bored with this new OW, he'll come to you--with absolutely no commitment, not even the commitment as his steady OW. So he's setting you up so that he can sleep with you in between sleeping with his OW and in between sleeping with his wife.

He throws you these nice words, because you don't have the defenses to ignore his words. Trust me: he's gonna call you in the next few weeks to sleep with you without having broken up with the OW. 

And when he does, what are you gonna do? My bet: you'll absolutely sleep with him. So that's why he stays in contact so he can sleep with you when he wants to. 

 

[VD01]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

That would really irritate me and make me angry. It’s unbelievably disrespectful, not to honour your wish to go no contact. I would have no patience for this kind of behavior... i would be tempted to tell his wife, just so that he would leave me alone... but, that’s just me. 

As to why he doesn’t leave if he is unhappy... how do you know he is unhappy in his marriage? I’m sure he has told you this, but respectfully... that’s what they all say...

And another point to ponder, why do you continue to engage in this affair when it is clearly making you very unhappy? Are you not actually doing the very same thing, just a different relationship definition/dynamic?

In my first thread, I was actually asking if I should tell his wife but that was because I was bitter and wanted a revenge and to ruin his current in love mood.

 I know he is not unhappy. Like in my comment in other thread, these guys will only leave their spouse if they truly are unhappy. And I honestly do not think he was unhappy at all. I know he loves his wife and just want more attention and time with her.

 Like I said, I came in time where he and his wife were in rocky situation because of his son. I was there when they would argue on phone. But eventually things went better after few years. They started to have more time together, go on dates together, gym together like a new couple I can tell. So at that time I was only envious of his wife but I know my place.

This year, his wife became extremely busy because of covid (his wife is a doctor) for almost this entire year, she wasn’t at home while he has to stay and work at home. 
 

So I guess, I am not enough to fill this void.

The problem is me. Me who knows of it all. Me who knows he is now in love with someone else. I know it. But I cannot get myself to completely get over it. Couldn’t get myself to really give up on it. I really want to. But my heart and head just still can’t give up and that’s what I want to fix...

[VD01]

35 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Your questions are akin to asking "why did the mugger grab my pocketbook on the street?" Well, there are lots of possible answers, but the answer doesn't matter.

Mugger tries to rob you. You report the mugger, let yourself get angry at the mugger, get support from friends for your fears and so on.

If you cannot answer "why" your MM stays in contact with you, then you have no business dating a MM. Why wouldn't he stay in touch with you? Doesn't matter either way. 

But you want an answer: he stays in contact with you because he can, because you cannot say no, because he knows you'll put up with anything. So as soon as he gets bored with this new OW, he'll come to you--with absolutely no commitment, not even the commitment as his steady OW. So he's setting you up so that he can sleep with you in between sleeping with his OW and in between sleeping with his wife.

He throws you these nice words, because you don't have the defenses to ignore his words. Trust me: he's gonna call you in the next few weeks to sleep with you without having broken up with the OW. 

And when he does, what are you gonna do? My bet: you'll absolutely sleep with him. So that's why he stays in contact so he can sleep with you when he wants to. 

 

Sad thing is last time he started to tease me. After not doing anything for me for many months he started to show interest and I, like a fool... got excited of the thought of being wanted by him again... only to get disappointed. I felt so ashamed. So disgusted of myself.

 I just really want to find a way not to be affected by him.