Why would his other in appropriate relationships with women be ok but not ours

[LynneVicious]

Agree with stillafool... the notion of telling the wife is born out of revenge - many an ow claim the wife needs to know AFTER the affair ends. Usually because “she deserves to know”. Whereas, they weren’t concerned about the wife while in the affair. 
 

Walk away with dignity and respect. Do not talk about it with your mutual friends.  It WILL get back to the wife and he WILL throw you under the bus faster than you can say “boo”.
 

  It’s clear you’re naive with your responses. I’m not saying that to be mean. It’s just a fact with what you think of the situation and yourself - this affair was a textbook example of a married man having his cake and eating it too. 

[basil67]

I agree with @stillafool

Don't over estimate your own power.   If my husband was in the same situation, I'd team with him and do my best to ruin the reputation of the woman trying to break my family.   Yes, I'd have my own issues in my marriage to deal with, but cheating isn't an automatic deal breaker.  

[Mandy96]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

How many women have sexed a MM and thought that by telling the wife his family would fall apart?  LOL, More than we can count just coming on this forum alone.  What typically happens when the bitter OW tells the wife is she is pissed  at first, the MM breaks his back to do any and everything to prove his love for her and they end up back together while he completely tosses the OW under the next bus running.  At that point they both turn on the OW.  So chances are if you do tell her the only one who will end up embarrassed, alone with a bad reputation (because the wife gets the sympathy) is the you.  Not to mention other women don't want you around because they know you are the type to have sex with married men.  The best thing to do is learn from this, keep your mouth shut, and move on with your life.  Afterall, you created this mess.

Most of divorces are because of cheating/ infidelity and divorce is close to 40% or more. I’ve met hardly anyone who was told or found out their spouses cheated who actually stayed married afterwards, most leave. If they don’t leave their marriage certainly never is the same again and in most cases for the worse, she’s already a very jealous wife so I imagine it’s going to be paranoia x10 if she found out. 
 

Again I’ve got nothing to lose, but with child support, alimony and a house, he definitely does, as it is now looking on Facebook he has lost several of his Facebook friends who are no longer his friends on there and several have reached out to me in a concerned way. 
 

Other women am friends with have nothing to worry about when it comes to their spouses and they know it, just because I happen to like ONE guy that happened to be married doesn’t mean am after anyone else’s, what does that even mean anyway ? If you don’t trust your husband to be faithful to you around another woman then you don’t have much of a marriage anyway. And if a guy is only faithful when a woman isn’t offering him something, then he is not faithful at all, he is only having sex with you because so far no one else has offered and again, why would that guy be worth keeping ? 
 

My original question of why he is so openly bantering and flirting with other female friends when he told me we needed to stop so he could work on his marriage has already been answered and that’s really all I was asking about. I got my answers. 
 

Am not going to give this bloke another thought, he doesn’t deserve the attention 

[NuevoYorko]

7 hours ago, Mandy96 said:

Also, he would say he wished he had dated me before he dated her because now he can’t change his life, am confuse as to why he’d confess this if he was so afraid of getting caught cheating on his wife and why he’d say this if he didn’t want me around.

Why is this fellow always free to be having drinks and fun with you and a friend group, without his wife?  That alone makes him look like a chump.

I don't mean to be harsh, but, you've known him since you were 14?  For ten years.  If he were honestly interested in you, he had plenty of time to date you between the time you met and when he chose to marry someone else.  I'm sure you see this, so why are you clinging to this "confession"?  

His infidelity to his wife is absolutely his responsibility, not yours, but you might want to take a close look at what motivated you to actively seduce this or any married man.  That's what's important here.  The guy is not in your life anymore but you are free to keep up this behavior or move in a completely different direction.

 

[Mandy96]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I agree with @stillafool

Don't over estimate your own power.   If my husband was in the same situation, I'd team with him and do my best to ruin the reputation of the woman trying to break my family.   Yes, I'd have my own issues in my marriage to deal with, but cheating isn't an automatic deal breaker.  

No offense but we are in our early to mid 20’s and judging by your user name you’re well past that... am thinking it’s easier to put up with betrayal, cheating and manipulation from a man when you are older and your prospects have dwindled to nothing than a woman like his wife who is only 25 still young and attractive who can get another guy if she knew he had cheated. 
 

Am choosing not to tell her, she’ll probably find out in the future when he cheats again. He is who he is

[Mandy96]

2 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Why is this fellow always free to be having drinks and fun with you and a friend group, without his wife?  That alone makes him look like a chump.

I don't mean to be harsh, but, you've known him since you were 14?  For ten years.  If he were honestly interested in you, he had plenty of time to date you between the time you met and when he chose to marry someone else.  I'm sure you see this, so why are you clinging to this "confession"?  

His infidelity to his wife is absolutely his responsibility, not yours, but you might want to take a close look at what motivated you to actively seduce this or any married man.  That's what's important here.  The guy is not in your life anymore but you are free to keep up this behavior or move in a completely different direction.

 

I liked him from afar and was too shy at the time to pursue him, he was always with a group of guys and girls as I was with my own group of friends and we never had time alone plus he dated the same girl in high school for like three years, then right after her he started dating his wife who had been friends with him the whole time. I dated as well, he was just my crush that never went away. 
 

and I am choosing to move on. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Mandy96 said:

No offense but we are in our early to mid 20’s and judging by your user name you’re well past that... am thinking it’s easier to put up with betrayal, cheating and manipulation from a man when you are older and your prospects have dwindled to nothing than a woman like his wife who is only 25 still young and attractive who can get another guy if she knew he had cheated. 

This is your naivety and inexperience speaking. 

Also, because this evidently the first time you have personally encountered a cheating husband, you couldn't see that your expectations were very misaligned with reality. Men who cheat on their ways frequently behave exactly the way this man does - get what they want, then drop the women like hot potatoes and on to the next. They often feed their affair partners the exact same lines he fed you. Unhappy at home, bored, wife doesn't appreciate them, blah, blah, blah. If you're going to throw yourself at a married man, you need to understand that you are not a priority but merely a fun and temporary distraction. 

Expecting love and respect and birthday greetings from a guy who cheats on his way is a rookie mistake. 

Telling everyone about it wasn't exactly smart, either. Sure, he looks like an ass - but now so do you. You have just let your friends know that you lack a moral compass and cannot be trusted to respect others' relationships. Don't assume that just because they're not making it obvious to you that they are not side-eyeing you in a major way now when your head is turned. 

Edited December 19, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Mandy96]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is your naivety and inexperience speaking. 

Also, because this evidently the first time you have personally encountered a cheating husband, you couldn't see that your expectations were very misaligned with reality. Men who cheat on their ways frequently behave exactly the way this man does - get what they want, then drop the women like hot potatoes and on to the next. They often feed their affair partners the exact same lines he fed you. Unhappy at home, bored, wife doesn't appreciate them, blah, blah, blah. If you're going to throw yourself at a married man, you need to understand that you are not a priority but merely a fun and temporary distraction. 

Expecting love and respect and birthday greetings from a guy who cheats on his way is a rookie mistake. 

Telling everyone about it wasn't exactly smart, either. Sure, he looks like an ass - but now so do you. You have just let your friends know that you lack a moral compass and cannot be trusted to respect others' relationships. Don't assume that just because they're not making it obvious to you that they are not side-eyeing you in a major way now when your head is turned. 

I don’t care if others “view me differently “ nobody’s perfect and some of them have cheated on their partners that they’ve confided in me about so it’d be highly hypocritical of them to say something about me, but if they do I don’t care, people that judge you behind your back and pretend to be your dear friend in front of you are disposable people in your life.
 

He on the other hand totally cares and only wants to be seen as a swell stand up guy, his Facebook is full of pictures with him at church, at fun raisers, with his extended family and close family, he has an “image” he portrays.

 I guess is a good thing we aren’t together, otherwise I’d be just like his wife is now, taking care of the kids at home while he goes out with friends, flirts, talks crap about the marriage in detail and has sex with another meanwhile  wasting the prime years of my life on a scumbag. My original question that has already been answered is why is it ok to cut up with other women but with me he says he needs to work on his marriage? And frankly at this point am over the reason as he is not partner material so who cares ? 
 

He didn’t “feed me” any lines, it’s the truth, if he was happy and in love he wouldn’t be out with friends all the time bantering, flirting and having sex, that’s not the look of a guy that appreciates what he has at home. Unless you are saying that’s normal behavior of husbands ? 
 

I woke up to some extensive texts from him this morning, he is furious his some of friends are bailing on him and that his wife will find out, he even threaten to come by my job and make a scene if his wife finds out. Little does he know am planning on moving within the next three months and I’ll be employed by an old friend of mine who won’t care if my old job let me go or not, 

This bloke was totally different in high school than what he has become today, it’s a shame he got her pregnant since he isn’t much of a family guy now that I really think about it. 🤷‍♀️
 

Will not be coming back to this thread, I already got everything I needed as far as answers go. 
 

I will not be in the future getting tangled up with a married man, it’s inconvenient, and they really only care about themselves. 
 

Not all cheating is this way though, my mom was the “other woman” 28 years ago and the reason my dad cheated was because he fell in love with my mom, but as soon as their relationship went from emotional to physical he filed for divorce and married my mom, they are inseparable, he worships the ground she walks on and she does the same, I guess it was a different situation than mine though, my dad had no kids with his ex-wife and my mom had a BF at the time that she also had no kids with. Sometimes you just meet someone that blows you away, it happens, and theirs isn’t the only story like this. My guy was just interested in himself, he should have married himself at the altar as he is the only person he can truly love. Reminds me of the bloke from American psycho the movie. Lol. 

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, Mandy96 said:

Will not be coming back to this thread, I already got everything I needed as far as answers go. 

But no sympathy. Everyone has been polite and respectful, but no one has reinforced your victim mentality. What you've received is a dose of real world perspective, which is not what you were hoping for. When a dozen or more people concur with a perspective that is diametrically opposite of yours, you should at least consider the possibility that they are not the ones who have gone off the rails.

 

1 hour ago, Mandy96 said:

My guy was just interested in himself, he should have married himself at the altar as he is the only person he can truly love.

No bias behind this statement is there Mandy? Pure objectivity. You might actually find some sympathy for a broken heart if you weren't being so aggressively angry and threatening to blow up his family for retribution.

Rejection is something that most people experience at some point in life, and some of us experience it over and over while searching for love, sex and companionship. Nobody likes it, but most people can deal with it in a healthy way. It takes a strong sense of self to understand that it doesn't define who we are... and the inability to deal with it certainly does not define the other person. Mandy, you just need to let it go. Think about this rationally –– for ten years you believed this guy was the bee's knees, but you made your play and got rejected. Do you really think that changed who he is fundamentally, or do you think this could be you projecting your devastating injury onto him in the form of anger and character assassination? Introspection is in order. A therapist might help.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Mandy96 said:

he is furious his some of friends are bailing on him and that his wife will find out, he even threaten to come by my job and make a scene if his wife finds out.

Really?  All of this for a woman he cares nothing about?  Interesting.

[Mandy96]

Well, he just called me, I didn’t answer, just like so didn’t answer his texts this morning. 
 

Then the oddest thing happened, he texts he is sorry for ghosting me for three months. He must be really afraid or really sorry. Am thinking he is afraid. I told him I had no plans on telling his wife anything and I wasn’t going to talk about it to anymore of our friends, they wouldn’t tell his wife anyways. 
 

He said he made a mistake in what we did and that he hasn’t done that before, that he flirts and hangs out with women sure, but not where it leads to sex, and that he was just tired of fighting me off and gave in to having sex because I was so persistent and nothing more, that he loves his wife to death and can’t imagine life without her and he hasn’t been appreciative of her. 
 

I said but what about the times you initiated and also the things you said about how attractive I was, how he wished he’d dated me first etc.

He then says he was sorry and that it was all in the moment that he cares for me but he loves his wife. 
 

I said ok, I can live with your honesty.

He then says he’d like to remain friends, this part I thought was very odd because he’s cheated on his wife, why would he want to remain friends ? So I told him I wasn’t interested but that I wasn’t going to make things hard for him, that seemed to pacify him.

Guess he is trying to do damage control
 

 

[BaileyB]

Sounds like damage control to me.

And no, you should not be friends. I doubt that his wife would support that and if he really loved his wife to death, as he says he does, he would stop flirting with other women and he would not be trying to stay in contact with a previous affair partner. Those are not the actions of a loving and dutiful husband. 

Edited December 19, 2020 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Sounds like damage control to me.

Absolutely. He is panicking because he thinks you're going to expose him, or that someone else will blow his cover. He isn't that unhappy with the status quo at home if he's scrambling this hard to stop it all from exploding. The offer to remain friends isn't genuine. It's just his last-ditch attempt to smooth the waters with you so that you don't go to his wife. 

I feel sorry for his wife, surrounded by multiple people who know what a scumbag her husband is and she is being kept in the dark. Hopefully you have learned your lesson here, OP.