Just need to talk

[GenPen]

Hi everyone, this is my first post. I hope you're all doing well. I'm in a tough spot right now and just needed to express myself. It's hard to bear this around the holidays.

 

In 2019, I was engaged (5 yr relationship) and the relationship broke off. My ex had no interest in trying couples' therapy, which hurt, but I knew and understood her intent and we were actually able to end things on amicable terms. We did not keep contact after we terminated our lease. I spent the remainder of 2019 re-tooling my life, going to counseling, spending more time with friends and work and enjoying my personal time, and I was able to look back and tell myself "things didn't work out, but that's life, and I accept it."

Since that time I went on several dates/had great matches on dating apps. I made my intent in those situations clear: I just came out of something serious, so I was looking for more casual relations. Dates, sex, or just some comradery. These connections lasted weeks to months, to single nights. In the end, they didn't work out, and I was able to accept them for what they were and wish the other person the best of luck going forward.

Earlier this year, I matched up with my current ex. I made my intent pretty clear then, as with the previous encounters I had: I was busy and looking for something casual. She agreed. Then we got talking, all day, early mornings, late nights. Every day it became more. Every day we learned how similar and relatable we are to each other. She was impressed with me (even though I think I live a very modest life), and I was impressed by her genuine and wholesome nature and intuition. We share the same sense of humor and same desires sexually. We are both empathetic individuals with big hearts, and we tend to put others in our lives before ourselves (although this is something that I've tried to improve through counseling, being more honest with my needs and setting those first.) We had similar worldviews and relationship experiences -- she, too, had been in a long term relationship that ended later than it should have, with an abusive SO. It was so refreshing and wonderful to meet someone who could relate and share a mutual attraction with. Neither of us had felt so comfortable with another person we saw romantically, and we expressed it.

In the earliest stage of the relationship, she lived with people who were at-risk (COVID). We were patient, but decided we couldn't wait any longer to meet and met up after a couple months. It was one of my fondest memories of 2020. We were eager to see each other again, although I was very busy with my Masters and needed some time and space to finish my semester up. She understood. I felt so supported.

Her world started to change. After living with the at-risk relatives in her life for a bit, they were concerned of her going into work and unexpectedly catching the virus and bringing it back into the home. At the time, very understandable. She decided to move in with family that lived a bit further away, and once she moved in she helped out around the house regularly and helped pay their bills as some members of the household lost their jobs in the pandemic. Before she made this decision, she asked me if it would impact our relationship, to which I replied "absolutely not, this is temporary," and she felt grateful. It was not a decision she made lightly. Soon after, she would tell me she saved our chats from the dating app so she could have them to reflect on for posterity. Despite a growing difficulty, I felt truly included in her life and potentially her future.

Eventually, stressors started to accumulate. Her commute went from 20 minutes to 1.5 hrs. The members of the household she lived in fought regularly and asked her to look after their dogs for weekends at a time while they went elsewhere. She hated not seeing the family she once lived with and desperately wanted her own space (which I even recommended she try before we at all considered moving in together, as I knew what benefits that has). Her work is constantly understaffed, and during this pandemic she was a part of a skeleton crew which still had to keep things going at the same pace regardless of however many employees they had there. She resented work but felt like there was no escape for her. Then, she also had her own online college to do (which I'm proud of her for pursuing) but failed to meet her own expectations and began feeling discouraged. One evening, one of the house mates reminded her of an ex that ghosted her without any indication, and that triggered her anxiety. I could see her feeling like she was backed into this corner, and I was one of the only few persons in her life she would express these feelings to. She wanted to pursue counseling for her anxiety but felt like she couldn't make time for it, nor pay for it. She doesn't have many friends, and has a small support system. Life has not been kind to her lately, as it has with many others.

Then she started to feel like she wasn't an adequate partner. She felt moored with stress. Her anxiety caught up with her more -- she routinely had problems sleeping and she often felt the physiological impact. When she did sleep, she had more and more unusual dreams. She felt like she put so much energy into every other aspect of her life and not enough into relationship, yet we still spoke constantly and openly and supportively. I knew she was giving me what she could, and that was all that mattered, and that this situation would be temporary. She appreciated me yet still felt guilty about me giving my time and energy when she felt like she could not reciprocate. The only thing I wanted was for her to make the changes she wanted to make -- a change of job (in progress), focusing more on school, getting her own place, facing her anxiety with counseling. In fact, only in doing those things for herself would make her a better partner and a happier being.

A week ago, everything took her to the brink. She decided she could not be the partner I deserved despite my insistence otherwise. It was a long, intimate talk. She came over and we spent much of the time holding each other and having a gentle talk. I knew this talk would not end like the others, so I prepared myself for it. There were honest tears and intimate feelings between each other. She told me she felt somewhat anxious when we made plans because of how guilty she felt, as if she wasn't worth my time. She said she wanted to be alone to make the changes she needed to make in her life, even though I insisted it didn't have to be that way. She didn't quite want it that way either, acknowledging my support, but felt it had to be done. She feels as if she has lost control of her life and that it's high time she turns her focus to those things. Hell, I believe it, and I believe that's the root of her negative affect. As a partner, there is nothing you can do besides reinforce the changes that have to be made.

During this conversation, she asked me for my phone number (unusual, I know, but we had only used other messenger apps to communicate and we were never bothered by it) and I was already prepared to give it to her on a slip of paper in case she ever needed me. She laughed and teared, saying we really were the same people. She told me she wanted it in case something happened to our messenger apps, and I told her it was very unlikely I would change my number. We talked more, kissed, and held each other while contemplating the future. She told me she hoped I would stay close to the area; I know she wants to see me again. When it was time for her to leave, I walked her to her car and she drove me back to my home. I could tell she did not want me to get out, just as she had in previous times. I told her she knew where I was if she needed me, told her to text me when she got home, gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her bye, watched her watch me as she drove back home. She texted me, we told each other goodnight with love, and haven't spoken since.

It's been a painful week since then. I keep wondering if she'll reach out to me. I check social media just to see if she's made a post or left something there. In this short time, we've both used our "stories" much more frequently than we did. That may be our way of contact without true contact -- if she wants to end that, then I'll let her make the first move. I miss her terribly and I hope she's started making the moves she wants to make. This hurt deeper than ending my previous relationship. Maybe that's because I feel like the space and how we split has left me with more questions than answers, and that I feel so strongly about her and what she could be in my life. Despite that, I'm not entitled to her time, and neither is she to mine. It all feels wrong and undeserved, but sometimes life demands we deal with things that we feel are wrong so that we can become better people. What matters most is that we choose to take the path we believe is appropriate, and that comes with sacrifice.

Would I take her back? In a heartbeat. Though I would hope it is after she has made the changes she wants to make. I'm truly heartbroken and I hope we can find our own peace, or warmth and solace together again. Maybe we're stupid and none of this makes sense; maybe we just prefer to do things in our own way. In the meantime, I'll keep on becoming the person I want to be, for my own sake. Though things feel unresolved, I can find resolution through my own merit and mindfulness.

I'll be back in counseling next week.

Thanks for reading. Take care.

 

[Gaeta]

Did I understand well, you met only twice?

[GenPen]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Did I understand well, you met only twice?

No, we met more times than that. Those are just the only two instances I mentioned.