How am I supposed to deal with this?

[Someone3333]

Every single time my partner gets mad at me he 

1. doesn’t tell me why (so half the time I don’t know what happened) 

2. will scream at me to &$(; off and get mad if I say anything 

3. Basically gives me the silent treatment for days until whatever terrible thing I did is “forgiven”.

 

I’ve lost so much weight because of this, and I’ve missed or left work early almost every day this week because of this. Thankful it’s the holidays so we are slow. 
 

But what am I supposed to do? If he could just say hey I’m upset with you because blah can you give me a few days it would be one thing, but to scream and refuse to even tell me what I did is another. How should I handle this? 

[mark clemson]

If this is ongoing, severe in intensity, and extensive, it sounds like some form of emotional abuse. (And I'm not one to use the "abuse" label lightly around here.) You might strongly consider seeing a counselor/therapist and even consider leaving to get away from the situation if that is possible.

It's possible he's having psychological issues of some kind, it's also possible he's deliberately driving you away for some reason. He may have developed (or always had) a personality disorder or some strong characteristics. And there are sometimes people who, for whatever reason, just "turn into someone else" at a certain point. I've actually seen this myself with someone I know.

From the last part of what you wrote, it sounds like you're hoping for him to "just be reasonable" like a normal person would. I suspect that, unfortunately, whatever this is has gone beyond that at this point, so him being reasonable isn't likely to happen.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.   My sister went through similar behaviour with her husband but it wasn't until he started to do the same to the kids that she finally left him.  It could be something as simple as her buying the kids enough clothes to wear.  Or not putting the washing away in a timely manner.  As @mark clemson suggested, this guy did have a mental health diagnosis, but he wasn't compliant with meds.

So about you: How often does this happen?  How long have you been together and just how committed are you?  Any kids together?   I ask this because I want to tell you to walk away because this is abusive behaviour on his part.   But perhaps you're feeling stuck with him for some reason?

Edited December 18, 2020 by basil67

[Someone3333]

We’ve been together 19 years December 29. We have no kids, but are “common law” married. He’s even listed as my spouse for amy work benefits and insurance. 
 

this year I want to say it’s happened 2 or so times at the start of the year and now we are on our second for the end of the year. Usually it one bad one once a year. All so far this year have been brief. This “fight” started Monday afternoon.

he always blames me and says if I would just leave him alone he would be over it in a day or two. I only talk to him about the pets, household stuff, or stuff like that when he’s like that. I don’t try to have deep conversations. 

[alphamale]

1 hour ago, Someone3333 said:

Every single time my partner gets mad at me he 

1. doesn’t tell me why (so half the time I don’t know what happened) 

2. will scream at me to &$(; off and get mad if I say anything 

3. Basically gives me the silent treatment for days until whatever terrible thing I did is “forgiven”.

 

I’ve lost so much weight because of this, and I’ve missed or left work early almost every day this week because of this. Thankful it’s the holidays so we are slow. 
 

But what am I supposed to do? If he could just say hey I’m upset with you because blah can you give me a few days it would be one thing, but to scream and refuse to even tell me what I did is another. How should I handle this? 

You need to leave this emotional abuser

[S2B]

How does he expect you to consider doing things differently (so not to cause anger) if he won’t tell you what has bothered him?

im sorry, but anyone yelling at their partner should not be tolerated. That’s abusive and terribly mean.

what the problem with communicating about it? ... to resolve it? Instead he rig sweeps and nothing gets resolved. That not healthy for any relationship.

 

will he go to counseling to learn how to express how he feels with reasonable words?

if he won’t - I don’t recommend staying. 

[S2B]

Someone who avoids expressing how they feel (without yelling) isn’t likely to have any healthy relationship - ever.

[Someone3333]

I would be fine if he said hey you did xyz and it really made me upset. Can I have a day or two to cool and then we will talk. And it’s usually a misunderstanding which is what is most annoyingly 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Someone3333 said:

Every single time my partner gets mad at me he 

1. doesn’t tell me why (so half the time I don’t know what happened) 

2. will scream at me to &$(; off and get mad if I say anything 

3. Basically gives me the silent treatment for days until whatever terrible thing I did is “forgiven”

How long have you been together?

Privacy and confidentiality, talk to a therapist about the abuse and gaslighting.

Make an appointment with a physician and frankly discuss the impact on your health and what's really going on..

Privately and confidentiality, talk to trusted friends and family to help you extricate yourself from this.

He's training you like obedience training for dogs. This is to control you and your emotions. He doesn't love you, that's just the hook you hang on to.

In the meantime, read up on abusive and controlling relationships. Google it.

[Crazelnut]

Why do you stay with such an emotional infant? That is terrible treatment, and most people wouldn't put up with it. The yelling and profanity is bad enough, but giving the silent treatment is one of the cruelest things a partner can do to you. It dehumanizes you, minimizes you to NOTHING. It sends a message that you don't deserve to be heard and seen. DO NOT let him do that to you. 

[Lotsgoingon]

What are you supposed to do? How about dump his behind!

You do know that the purpose of a relationship is to make life better, easier, more enjoyable. We want to be with people who help make life easier.

This kind of behavior you report--you're just enduring pain. That's NOT the point of a relationship.  

[Ruby Slippers]

Do the benefits of staying with him outweigh the benefits of leaving and being on your own? I'd never be able to put up with stuff like this, but lots of people do.

If you're determined to stay, I'd recommend counseling for yourself, and for him if he'll agree to it (unlikely).

[MsJayne]

The silent treatment is emotional abuse and only very immature people do it.  It's often a symptom of a personality disorder and the abuser only does it to people they know they can get away with treating badly. My advice is get him to a therapist or leave. 

[ShyViolet]

This is an emotionally abusive relationship.  Just because you've been with someone a long time, is NOT a reason to stay.  Ask yourself if this is really how you want to live your life.

[Caauug]

23 hours ago, Someone3333 said:

he always blames me and says if I would just leave him alone he would be over it in a day or two.

When was his last medical check up with blood work? He could be lacking something or have an imbalance... Therapy will never cure a medical problem. Start with the easy stuff first. It would be good to talk with his doctor first to express what you are experiencing. He will not likely be able to tell you what he has found but it might point him in a direction where to look or test. 

19 years is a long time to just throw away, but you have to look after your own safety.

People change physically over time as the body ages. Imbalances in hormones can cause mood swings. Even blood sugar levels can cause mood swings in some people. Diet or lack of a healthy diet or even something different he is doing that cause the mood swings. Does it happen the same time of the year every year as in is it seasonal foods or diet that may be causing it? Try thinking outside the box and look for clues. Any extra information you can give his doctor might be a big help on getting him back to normal.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/17/2020 at 10:17 PM, Someone3333 said:

.He’s even listed as my spouse for amy work benefits and insurance. 

Take him off of this. Start severing ties. Do not try to fix him.

He's a grown man and you do not have to "take him to a doctor". Don't make excuses for bad treatment 

Take care of yourself.  Focus on your own wellbeing . Put yourself first, since you are in this partnership alone .

[S2B]

First off - START dealing with it by taking action that changes things!

doing nothing so far - has gotten you nothing but 19 wasted years of abuse!

start helping yourself - change everything! No one should put up with his behavior. It’s abusive!

[Caauug]

40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Take him off of this. Start severing ties. Do not try to fix him.

He's a grown man and you do not have to "take him to a doctor".

Yes, you can take a gynocentric point of view and just ditch him.

Try Google and read about IMS or "Irritable Male Syndrome" that is easily treated with diet and drugs if that is his problem.

Normally when one partner in a relationship is in trouble the other partner tries to help when there is no danger to themselves. No where she states she is in physical danger. Encouraging him to seek a medical exam and blood work would fall under helping. It may not hurt to recruit his best mate to also encourage him to seek help. 

If he refuses to help himself, see Wiseman2's advise above.

My FIL sounded nearly the same, he ended up getting implants every 6 months or so to control it. Not many anger issues after that, he turned back into a pleasant person again. He had them until his death I believe. The trouble with illnesses like this is it is very gradual and happens over time, others will notice before the person with the problem. It can be so simple to treat.... I think he had IMS but I can't say for certain.

[Caauug]

On 12/18/2020 at 11:17 AM, Someone3333 said:

We’ve been together 19 years December 29. We have no kids, but are “common law” married.... this year I want to say it’s happened 2 or so times at the start of the year and now we are on our second for the end of the year. Usually it one bad one once a year. All so far this year have been brief.

Hummmmm…..

 

2 hours ago, S2B said:

First off - START dealing with it by taking action that changes things!

doing nothing so far - has gotten you nothing but 19 wasted years of abuse!

OP how long has he been like this??? You say you have been together 19 yrs, but has he been like this the whole time? S2B, where did you get this has been going on for 19yrs from? I can't find anywhere OP has stated when this "abuse" started.... "Usually it one bad one once a year." does not say when this started.... 2, 5, 8 years ago I could maybe see.....

[jolehno]

My wife used to be just like that. I would get upset and try be nice, which just made her behaviour worst. At some point, due to  depression, she went to a counselor and he said that I had to " man up" I was to soft to her.

she has childhood issues that havent been dealt, and the best way to handle her abusive behaviour was to confront and then ignore her. 

It worked when I did it. But in the long run, being tough its not in me. 

After 23 years of marriage and two sons, she transformed herself into a malevolent, lying, mean, being and I suspected was cheating, and as soon as I had proof, I put her on the street with just her clothes. 

After 18 months of no contact, she became her old self, minus the tantrums and to keep the peace, no more Mr nice guy from me.

Start seeing him as a little child, dont put up with his abusive behaviuor.