Husband Question

[Glittergirl007]

My husband is someone I love very much. However, there have been things of the course of our dating relationship and even marriage (only married 5 months) that have made me question his love for me.

As a background, he was married before. This was my first marriage. His first marriage was smooth, they almost never fought, he did not get upset with her, they were the best of friends. However, she wasn’t interested in intimacy, which is why the relationship eventually ended. He truly doesn’t have anything negative to say about her except this one thing.

fast forward to our relationship, we are a lot more rocky. We bicker more, I feel like he gets irritable with me, he often talks down to me. I’m very sensitive and get my feelings hurt and often bring these to his attention, which just upsets him. I have asked him several times what is different about me that we can’t have a smooth relationship (plus intimacy) that he had with his first wife. I feel sad and like a failure. I don’t want him to be irritable at me but maybe it is just my personality. He tells me he loves me just as much or more as his past life.

is it possible for anyone to be able to tell by his actions, if he had more love for his past life? This just bothers me every time I feel like he gets angry at me.

 

 

[d0nnivain]

He doesn't have more love for his 1st wife.  He just has different love for you. You have decided different is bad when it's not & that is coloring your interactions.  

You admit you are "very sensitive".   You claim he gets irritable with you, talks down to you & then gets upset when you bring it to his attention.  I suspect he wasn't being irritable or dismissive but you perceived it as that.  Your perception IS your reality.  But because he didn't think he did anything wrong, & his perception is his reality.  When you accuse him of being irritable, of talking down to you & loving his EX more, he gets upset because he doesn't believe any of that is true.  He's frustrated by the rockiness too. 

You need to develop a thicker skin.  If he's stressed or upset about something & you ask him an unrelated Q, try to remember when he snaps, his short temper is not about you.  It's the moment.  

When you feel yourself bickering, step back & silently analyze the situation.  It is really about you / the relationship or are you simply the one standing there in that moment?  If you bit your tongue, will there be a calmer, better time to discuss the subject?  Is this issue really worth starting a fight over?   In short don't escalate.  Learn to de-escalate & bring more calm.  When you are upset force yourself to whisper rather than shout. 

[Birdies]

Maybe his first wife was just really chill and never got bothered?  My husband was previously married too, and while he loved her a ton, she was highly sensitive and would turn a lot of things into a conflict.  Whereas I'm pretty relaxed and don't get on his case for leaving a single dirty plate in the sink or when he is 10 minutes late getting home from work.  Maybe she ignored his tone of voice, the same one that upsets your?

Couples counseling could help you guys learn to communicate more effectively.

[elaine567]

6 hours ago, Glittergirl007 said:

. I have asked him several times what is different about me that we can’t have a smooth relationship (plus intimacy) that he had with his first wife.

What does he say about that?

[FMW]

No two relationships are the same, because no two people are the same.  You and his former wife probably have different personalities and different reactions and ways of handling things.  The different inputs lead to different relationships.  

My parents were very happy for more than 50 years of marriage, right up until the moment he died.  But they bickered and kind of snapped at each other quite a bit at times.  It bothered me when I witnessed it because I'm pretty sensitive to that kind of thing, but I know it was never a serious issue for them, things blew over as quickly as they popped up.  

Your husband divorced his ex - he then chose to marry you, even after having a previous unsatisfactory marriage (which is something many of use divorced people never plan to do again).  You have to remember that the way you see things, including your perception of what his  first marriage was like, isn't going to be the same way he sees them or feels about them.  He may have never felt the need to bicker with her because their connection was never that strong and they just went with the flow.  

Talk honestly with him, but be open and receptive to what he's telling you- learn to accept what he's telling you as the truth (unless and until you have good reason to do otherwise).  Learn to differentiate between what is an issue of your own creation (because of insecurity or over-sensitivity), and what the actual situation is.  Your husband shouldn't dismiss your feelings, but at the same time you should try to work through some of your own feelings before taking them right to him all the time.  Sometimes you might then see that you don't need to take things quite so personally.  

[basil67]

Glittergirl, may I suggest that instead of focusing on comparing your relationship to his previous one, you would do well to focus on the problems you have this marriage.

What do you bicker about?  Are they recurring issues or new ones each time?   And are you truly sensitive, or is he actually quite hurtful with the kind of words which would hurt anyone?

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Glittergirl007 said:

. However, there have been things of the course of our dating relationship and even marriage (only married 5 months) that have made me question his love for me.

Sorry this is happening. How long did you date before you married? Is this an arranged marriage?

Did you move into his former marital home? How old is he?

This has nothing to do with his ex and ho supposedly amazing she is. This is what he tells you along with "she wasn't intimate" and other nonsense.

He seems a bit mentally abusive and that may be a more accurate reason she left. Many abusers continue to pursue exes while in a new relationship.

Talk to some trusted friends and family about what's going on and his dismissive treatment of you.

Hopefully you are not inquiring about his ex/thier "friendship" or believe his nonsense about how amazing his last marriage was.

Think about it. If it was so amazing, why are they divorced and why did she shut him down?

 

[Caauug]

I'll try this again....

Did you ever think maybe your husband views his first marriage as a failure like it was? 

14 hours ago, Glittergirl007 said:

I have asked him several times what is different about me that we can’t have a smooth relationship (plus intimacy) that he had with his first wife.

It appears you are reminding him of his first marriage (a major life failure on his part) that he should be putting well behind him and is likely trying to forget. Could this be the cause of his frustration that that irritates him?

By comparing yourself to his EX-W and bringing up his failed marriage it will be lowering his self esteem, please be careful.

[Lance Mannion]

On 12/18/2020 at 8:30 AM, Glittergirl007 said:

My husband is someone I love very much. However, there have been things of the course of our dating relationship and even marriage (only married 5 months) that have made me question his love for me.

I hope that you questioning his love for you is restricted to only what you're sharing here, meaning that if you get the answers you're looking for, that you can go back to basking in the glory of his love for you. This is the time in your marriage when you should be walking on air, delirious with happiness, not with doubt about his love for you.

On 12/18/2020 at 8:30 AM, Glittergirl007 said:

As a background, he was married before. This was my first marriage. His first marriage was smooth, they almost never fought, he did not get upset with her, they were the best of friends. However, she wasn’t interested in intimacy, which is why the relationship eventually ended. He truly doesn’t have anything negative to say about her except this one thing.

fast forward to our relationship, we are a lot more rocky. We bicker more, I feel like he gets irritable with me, he often talks down to me. I’m very sensitive and get my feelings hurt and often bring these to his attention, which just upsets him. I have asked him several times what is different about me that we can’t have a smooth relationship (plus intimacy) that he had with his first wife. I feel sad and like a failure. I don’t want him to be irritable at me but maybe it is just my personality. He tells me he loves me just as much or more as his past life.

We was a younger man in his first marriage. Obviously. What this means though is that by the time he married you, he was more comfortable in his skin, more set in his ways, more clear on his world view about life, marriage, women, politics, etc. Which is easier to bend, a young sapling or an old pine tree? He was better able to bend to his first wife's personality because he had less of his own. Now he's more of his own man, and depending on your age at marriage compared to his 1st wife's age at marriage, you're, if we play the odds, likely older than she was, meaning that you too are more set in your ways and you're more of a person in your own right.

Bickering can be a form of negotiating a compromise, of communicating wants and displeasures. Sapling vs. Mature Tree, you're bending towards each other, there is more groaning and straining of the tree fibers, that's the bickering.

He talks down to you. Keep this in mind, it is HIS report that the 1st marriage was fine. If his wife accepted his "talking down to her" then he would see that marriage is being free of conflict. He could, very well, be the same guy, he talks down to his wives, it's just the first didn't object and so he was happy, but you do object and this is something that he needs to now confront.

You should not feel sad and like a failure, it takes two to tango, you don't want to mimic his first marriage, that robs you of your own personality, you simply because a person who agrees with your husband on everything. This is NOT ONLY on you, he plays an equal part here in defining your interactions. Get out of your head that you're failing, you're not, you're both growing this relationship.

Don't overlook an important dynamic, well two actually. First the easy one, sex. A good sex life goes a loooong way to making a marriage better. The second, a little edge, disagreement, a bit of friction, keeps a marriage interesting, a marriage with no zero friction is a boring marriage, everything is completely predictable.

What I suspect you're feeling is this - disagreement is making you feel insecure, either insecure with respect to the health of your marriage or insecure in comparison to his 1st wife. Forget her, she lost the competition for your husband, you won him, he's yours, you chose him and he chose you, the 1st wife is a closed chapter on his life and should play no part in your life and your marriage.

On 12/18/2020 at 8:30 AM, Glittergirl007 said:

is it possible for anyone to be able to tell by his actions, if he had more love for his past life? This just bothers me every time I feel like he gets angry at me.

 

 

He had a different love for her, and with hindsight you know that it was a failed love. You have a more intense love and a newer love and, importantly, a love which you can both shape together in the coming years. Jump into this marriage with both feet, purge that insecurity, forget the 1st wife, this marriage is what you're going to make of it, so make something good, feel loved and secure, and don't stress about the friction as the two of your sand off the rough edges of two individuals, set in their ways, coming together to form a new something, a marriage.

Good luck.

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, Lance Mannion said:

He had a different love for her, and with hindsight you know that it was a failed love.

The problem with that is that the lack of intimacy was on his last wife's side ie she rejected him by refusing to have sex with him. The OP provides the sex, but the actual compatibility and love may be missing for him. 
He may still love his ex wife, his "best friend" and the irritation now with the OP may be due to the fact the OP is just not her. 
He can easily tell her loves the OP as what else can he say, but she doesn't feel like he does, which may be a more accurate assessment.  
She is not basking in his love, she is trying to dodge the irritable condescension and trying to not get too upset...

Of course the ex wife may not wanted intimacy as she was just fed up of being talked down to and  defending herself against his moods...
I think people who have never been married before need to think very carefully before they get into relationships with divorcees.

 

 

[Lance Mannion]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

The problem with that is that the lack of intimacy was on his last wife's side ie she rejected him by refusing to have sex with him. The OP provides the sex, but the actual compatibility and love may be missing for him. 

What's the line that women feed their man when he's getting bent out of shape about the fact that she slept with 20 or 50 men before him? Oh yeah "I choose you, I'm with you now, my past doesn't matter."

This is kind of the same dynamic, he chose her, he's with her now, she's his love. The quality and details of his old love have no more bearing on her marriage than a woman's past lovers have on her marriage.

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He may still love his ex wife, his "best friend" and the irritation now with the OP may be due to the fact the OP is just not her. 

Certainly this is a possibility. Just like it's a possibility that a new wife is closing her eyes and fantasizing about that hot night with Chad Thundercock. I don't think that this is the likeliest explanations though because it's not like this is an arranged marriage and they were just revealed to each other and are getting to know each other, he actually chose to marry the OP and knew her and knew their interaction style before proposing. There's substance to his love.

Also something for the OP to keep in mind, the biochemical basis of how men bond to their wives - sex. Frequent sex is the key to bonding and maintaining love. Her husband was losing his bond to his 1st wife. Love is not some mystical effect, it's biochemical. Another aspect of love which is not talked about much, it has less to do with how a person feels about another and more to do with how the spouse makes one feel about oneself. The husband is getting a good sex life, his bond to the OP is being maintained and he's probably feeling pretty damn good about himself in the sack. That's going to go a long way in terms of counterbalancing EARLY friction in the marriage. They're still feeling their way as a couple.

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He can easily tell her loves the OP as what else can he say, but she doesn't feel like he does, which may be a more accurate assessment.  
She is not basking in his love, she is trying to dodge the irritable condescension and trying to not get too upset...

But WHY doesn't the OP feel the love? I'm speculating when I focus on her insecurity. Does she have something that she can share with us to explain the why? As to the accuracy, if it's her feelings, then how is she analyzing and comparing? She's stacking her feelings on one side and her imagination and interpretation of her husband's comments on the other side. For all she knows the 1st wife was a doormat, subdued into submission by the husband. Whatever the nature of that ex-relationship, it was not sustainable, hence their divorce. This means that husband has to make the best choice available to him and he did - he chose the OP over the ex-wife and over other single women.

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Of course the ex wife may not wanted intimacy as she was just fed up of being talked down to and  defending herself against his moods...
I think people who have never been married before need to think very carefully before they get into relationships with divorcees.

Agree. The husband, in telling his own story, is going to save his own ego, and find some cause to explain the divorce which makes him come out looking better - his ex-wife's disinterest in sex is a classic explanation. What is the OP seeing in her husband's behavior? Exactly what you highlighted, talking down to her and other rough edges, so the question is, how likely is it that this man behaved totally differently with the ex-wife? Does a leopard change its spots when it moves to a new savannah?

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Lance Mannion said:

The husband, in telling his own story, is going to save his own ego, and find some cause to explain the divorce which makes him come out looking better - his ex-wife's disinterest in sex is a classic explanation.

Does a leopard change its spots when it moves to a new savannah?

Good question. It's very unlikely that he was a saint in the past and the condescension , arrogance,etc. is new.

 

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, Lance Mannion said:

But WHY doesn't the OP feel the love?

Because living with a guy who puts her down and is irritable and moody does not tell her he loves her.
The most secure, stable person is not going to "feel the love" when the evidence does not stack up..

[Lance Mannion]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

Because living with a guy who puts her down and is irritable and moody does not tell her he loves her.
The most secure, stable person is not going to "feel the love" when the evidence does not stack up..

Certainly could be all on him. I'm curious about whether she is feeling insecure and so is hypersensitive. How did he behave before they married? Was there a bait-and-switch on his part? Or is this new behavior a direct result of integrating two lives into one union?

[ExpatInItaly]

How do you even know if what he says about his previous marriage is true?

What verifiable proof do you have that it was all as peaceful as he claims? My point is that I am wondering how much he's edited the details there, and why you even know what his marriage was like. Is this something you have asked about, or it something he volunteers as a way to make you feel bad for having more conflict?