Dating the camera shy a turn off?

[QuietRiot]

You know, I think I may have discovered a new dealbreaker...well it MAY be a dealbreaker, depending on the situation.  I have a female friend that I'd invite as a +1 to events. In fact, she later came a member (this is all PRE-Covid). We did actually try to date a couple of times, and while we were out, she actually let me take photos of her (putt putt golf, and another event outing). She takes very good photos. (Gorgeous smile).

Then all of a sudden, she became extremely camera shy.

We're still good friends now. Love her to death. Ironically, she's rather photogenic and "Snow White" attractive.  

Anyways, I met her through Meetup actually when we first met, and later on while we were friends, she'd join some of these social groups...and when the organizer would say, "Hey, let's all get together and do a pic!" She would deliberately refuse and stay out of the picture.

I thought it was kind of a one-off, or was it the fact that she was with me, one-on-one, that she was comfortable then.  But later, when we got together one-on-one...I asked her to take a photo of me at lakeside...then I asked if she'd like for me to do the same...and she gave a profound "no thank you".  I even would question her on it and she just said she doesn't like her picture taken.

Anyways, I recall before her some women like this...there weren't too many, but to me, it's kind of a turn off. It's like dating someone who doesn't have a sense of humor.  

For the record, she hasn't had a boyfriend in probably 10 years, so that kind of explains a lot? Yes? And yes, she has been trying to date.

[Acacia98]

It doesn't really explain a lot. There are guys who don't share your sentiments about photographs. So she should be able to date them. There must be more to her story.

One of the things that occurs to me is the possibility that she has had a stalker or some kind of abusive relationship and she's trying to keep a low profile. If she stays out of pictures, maybe her picture will not appear on some social media platform and draw unwanted attention. That may also explain 10 years being single. But that's just a guess to show that there may be something more to her story. Of course I don't actually know what her situation is.

It's also worth pointing out that some people are self-conscious. Maybe they don't have a positive body image and feel insecure about posing for pictures.

Edited December 19, 2020 by Acacia98

[Wiseman2]

That's ok. Not everyone wants their picture taken. Always make sure you do not post anyone's pic anywhere without explicit permission.

Some people (wisely) control their images and if it's in someone else's phone,  or once it's on the internet, you lose control of those images.

She's not camera shy, she's smart to control images of herself in a time  social media posts.

Edited December 19, 2020 by Wiseman2

[QuietRiot]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok. Not everyone wants their picture taken. Always make sure you do not post anyone's pic anywhere without explicit permission.

Some people (wisely) control their images and if it's in someone else's phone,  or once it's on the internet, you lose control of those images.

She's not camera shy, she's smart to control images of herself in a time  social media posts.

The only time it would make sense....if she's a teacher, and she as booze in her hand. I knew a high school librarian that was at a Super Bowl party, that had drink in hand, that asked to not have her photo taken. That does make sense.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, QuietRiot said:

The only time it would make sense....if she's a teacher, and she as booze in her hand. 

That's her call, not yours.

[Caauug]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Some people (wisely) control their images and if it's in someone else's phone, you lose control of those images.

She's not camera shy, she's smart to control images of her in a time of internet and social media posts.

^^^^^ This^^^^

How easy is it to create fake nudes.... you know, for a joke.... just to share them around with the boys..... no harm done???? No harm done until they are found on a porn site..... Try getting that taken down after a billion downloads..... 

Maybe that is not what you mean... Or are there photos out there and she doesn't want an up dated one??

It doesn't really matter, just be nice and do as she asks.

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, QuietRiot said:

she doesn't like her picture taken.

end of story.

I find people who are endlessly posing instead of actually living life more of a 'dealbreaker'!

[Fletch Lives]

She's crazy

[Emilie Jolie]

This thread has been so helpful to me, thank you @QuietRiot.

I'm so glad so many posters agree that being careful online with your image is so important, and that cyber stalking is bad - I've actually had a look at whether 'doxxing' is considered a crime, and lo and behold, it is! Funnily enough, I lost a pic like the one you describe in your previous post here, that I only shared with one other person. A stranger, online, on an anonymous forum. That's a very big coincidence. I think there are ways around the ToS of an organisation, I've had a look. I was going to leave it because it was such a long time ago, but this has given me new purpose.

Thanks again, this thread has been great!

 

Edited December 19, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[QuietRiot]

14 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

This thread has been so helpful to me, thank you @QuietRiot.

I'm so glad so many posters agree that being careful online with your image is so important, and that cyber stalking is bad - I've actually had a look at whether 'doxxing' is considered a crime, and lo and behold, it is! Funnily enough, I lost a pic like the one you describe in your previous post here, that I only shared with one other person. A stranger, online, on an anonymous forum. That's a very big coincidence. I think there are ways around the ToS of an organisation, I've had a look. I was going to leave it because it was such a long time ago, but this has given me new purpose.

Thanks again, this thread has been great!

 

The bolded...not sure I follow. After so many of years of this photo being online (is it now view-able?)...that you are now going to do something to take it down? Not sure where you're going with this. 🙂

[Emilie Jolie]

3 minutes ago, QuietRiot said:

The bolded...not sure I follow. After so many of years of this photo being online (is it now view-able?)...that you are now going to do something to take it down? Not sure where you're going with this. 🙂

Taken down from where? I didn't say it was posted anywhere, did I? No, what I'm talking about is 'doxxing', and I don't think there's a time limit on it. Anyway, it's probably a police matter at this point. Turns out it's quite a serious cyber-crime, which I wouldn't have known had I not done my own extended research on it :).

Coincidentally, don't know if my pic is still posted anywhere but if is, I'd love to have it back as I've lost it when I moved into my new flat.

 

[Emilie Jolie]

As far as your OP, not sure that friend of yours that you love to death would appreciate you thinking dating her would be like dating someone with no sense of humour. How sincere is this friendship?

[kismetkismet]

I don't really like having my photo taken that much, especially by people that tend to post a lot on social media, and it has nothing to do with how I look. She probably didn't want her photo from the 'meetup' to be on any of their social medias or company pages, which is totally fair. I especially don't like having my photo taken when I don't know how it's going to be used. As for the lake photo -  having your photo taken alone can be super awkward if you're not a photo person. I prefer candid and group shots (that aren't going on a company's social media).

Maybe it's because I'm an older millenial and we didn't grow up with as much social media or do posed photos that much? It feels a bit contrived to me and makes me feel like i'm just doing things to get photos, not just to enjoy them. 

(I am happily married and had several long term relationships before him)

Edited December 19, 2020 by kismetkismet

[Emilie Jolie]

23 minutes ago, kismetkismet said:

I especially don't like having my photo taken when I don't know how it's going to be used

That's so important.

The pic of me I lost that I had given to that one poster can be used and reused at large for all I know, and I have no control over it other than involve the authorities. This pic may have been plastered by the same anonymous poster under a new reincarnation on the same online forum all over the net too. You don't know who you're dealing with online, and your naivety can cost you so much. Some people live off publicly humiliating others, it's like a drug.

Sometimes you can catch them when they've been too careless and have let their guard down a bit, but like many abusers, they have built a network of enablers around them and it can be difficult to find proof.

All this to say cyber abuse is real, and that's the reason some people may not want to have their face plastered online. 

 

Edited December 19, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[QuietRiot]

17 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

That's so important.

The pic of me I lost that I had given to that one poster can be used and reused at large for all I know, and I have no control over it other than involve the authorities. This pic may have been plastered by the same anonymous poster under a new reincarnation on the same online forum all over the net too. You don't know who you're dealing with online, and your naivety can cost you so much. Some people live off publicly humiliating others, it's like a drug.

Sometimes you can catch them when they've been too careless and have let their guard down a bit, but like many abusers, they have built a network of enablers around them and it can be difficult to find proof.

All this to say cyber abuse is real, and that's the reason some people may not want to have their face plastered online. 

 

What did he re-use it for? In what context was it used? Or are you just speculating?

My mom was a member of a toastmasters club a long time ago. When you google her name now, there's a pic of her at a Toastmasters event, she didn't care of that, but...tis the nature of the beast.

Even at Meetup events, the organizer puts out a disclaimer to "expect to have your photo taken at these events and be posted to the gallery, as it won't be taken down, regardless...otherwise, don't come to the event".

This is our way of life now.

[Miss Spider]

Understandable, I guess. It can be two fold incompatibility. She could be just too shy/insecure or she could just not like pictures as much as you 

 

It works the other way for me. I wouldn’t say I am so much camera shy as much as I just don’t see the point most of the time. I had an ex that photo documented everything and wanted my pic all the time. Even when we did something as insignificant as go to eat( and they usually would try to post on social media with “lunch with my lady” or something cringe). I don’t know why it is, but pictures, particularly taking a lot of them, seems superfluous and almost egotistical to me. He explained to me that he is just proud of me and likes the memory. I guess I keep my memories in a different way.
 

It’s a turn off with a guy asks if I want a picture “over there.” No, if I did,  I would ask. I am trying to actually enjoy and store the moment, not do a photo shoot. It’s very strange to me when I see a bunch of tourists taking the same picture in the same spot. Or worse, they’re actually standing there for a long time video graphing or photographing the actual spot itself at the perfect angle. If you really want a picture of that tourist destination so bad, you can find a zillion of them on Google image search that are far better than yours. But they need their own picture taken at their own angle I guess. Most likely for their own human reasons. Humans baffle me sometimes.  

Edited December 19, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ellener]

11 minutes ago, QuietRiot said:

"expect to have your photo taken at these events and be posted to the gallery, as it won't be taken down, regardless...otherwise, don't come to the event".

Blimey, I guess I wouldn't go to that then!

[Emilie Jolie]

19 minutes ago, QuietRiot said:

This is our way of life now.

Yes but it shouldn't give others leeway to do whatever they want with it, right? You still have a moral duty to act in a way that doesn't hurt people around you - or is it just me?

I honestly don't know why you'd want to make someone's life a misery just because you can? It's not a crime to be nice. You can just delete them all and move on. I don't understand what there is to gain from it? Speaking for myself,  I know I'm particularly naive and I make the best target, but still - why would someone want to use that to their advantage? I genuinely don't get it. What's the point of it?

 

Edited December 19, 2020 by Emilie Jolie
Missing word

[Taramere]

I don't like getting my photo taken.  I understand that pictures are important memories, so I'll tend to grin and bear it...but I don't enjoy it at all, and it generally shows in the picture.  I agree with those who find that photo snappers can start taking over at social occasions and become very intrusive.  I particularly remember when I was bridesmaid at a close friend's wedding - the photographer was just a menace.  He wanted to choreograph every aspect of that wedding...so it became far too much about him and his camera when it was supposed to be about the bride, the groom and their loved ones enjoying a special day.  There's no denying that the photos were lovely, but every time I looked at them I remembered all the choreographing that went on and how intrusive it felt.

I can't imagine wanting to break off a relationship with somebody I liked because they didn't want to be included in photos.  That just seems like a minor issue to be worked around by....well, by taking photos without them in them.  The less pressure other people put on somebody who doesn't want their picture taken, the more likely it seems that they'll relax in time and eventually decide they would like to be included in the pics. 

[Taramere]

2 hours ago, Ellener said:

Blimey, I guess I wouldn't go to that then!

Quite.  I would associate that "stay at home if you don't want your photo to be circulated via our website"  attitude with the kind of obnoxious photographer who sees other people are objects to be photographed, regardless of how they feel about it. 

A long time ago I was staying at a health spa - one I had, mind you, paid quite a lot to spend a couple of days at.  A bunch of people were making a new brochure for the spa, and according to a few disgruntled employees they were stretching the whole thing out for as long as possible.  Although it was an expensive spa, this brochure was clearly being made on the cheap.  They didn't have models, so they were trying to get pictures of the people staying at the spa...and since I was one of the younger people there, they kept trying to take pictures. 

The worst bit was when I was in the sauna, suddenly the door opened and there was a paparazzi-like flashing of lights.  The woman in charge of the sauna area pushed the photographer out and told him off for taking pictures of guests - but they didn't give up, despite me making it abundantly clear that I did not want to be in their brochure at all.  Even at that young age, I wasn't at all modelesque.  I was average height, could have done with losing a few pounds, ordinary and imperfect features etc.  Plus I do not like getting my photo taken.

But these individuals kept trying to get a photo of me for their stupid brochure.  I thought I'd escaped, but a few months later I had a brochure delivered to my home.  When I got to the page showing the dining room I got that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach of "I think that might be me".  I showed it to friends and family and they were all unanimous.  "Yep.  It's you."

And that was me as a guest who had paid full price to stay at what was supposed to be a relaxing retreat - and who had specified "I don't want to be in your brochure - leave me alone please".   I wrote to them to say I would never go back there - and I never did.  I thought it was outrageous that my request for privacy in a setting like that should be completely ignored.  

Here's an article which talks about the more extreme manifestation of the sense of entitlement which seeks to impose on others a rule of "if you don't want to be in my photographs, hide yourself away at home."

 https://www.refinery29.com/en-gb/what-to-do-if-someone-takes-your-picture-without-permission

If Meet Up has a policy of treating people who use its services as unpaid (or even paying - I don't know how Meet Up works) models for its promotional material, and uses a sneering tone about any potential customers who don't like that idea, then it sounds like there's scope for some slightly more woman-friendly competition to emerge in that particular market.  

Edited December 19, 2020 by Taramere

[Miss Spider]

I’ve been to a meet up before just to see what it was about. It was a very interesting experience in a lot of ways(but that’s another story). 
 

‘Meetup’ events are set up by a person, an organizer, via the website. So they are more of a private event that anyone can come to. The organizers can kick people out of the group if they want to. They also often take pictures for their event to show what the event is like. The problem would be if one person didn’t want their picture on the site, so the entire photo would have to be taken down and they couldn’t show anything.  I think a way around this would be to tell the person taking the pic you don’t want your pic taken. A decent person should respect that.

Edited December 19, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, Taramere said:

I understand that pictures are important memories,

I used to take tons, then my son got old enough to say no and I stopped taking them. I only kept a few.

The only thing I would say ( again, I've said it before ) about photos is that if people get short-term memory loss dementia illnesses later in life the pictures from earlier in life can be very useful as part of therapeutic activities. So save a few at least.

[Taramere]

3 minutes ago, Ellener said:

I used to take tons, then my son got old enough to say no and I stopped taking them. I only kept a few.

The only thing I would say ( again, I've said it before ) about photos is that if people get short-term memory loss dementia illnesses later in life the pictures from earlier in life can be very useful as part of therapeutic activities. So save a few at least.

It's also good to have them after a bereavement.  However, the pictures that are nice to look at for memories are the pictures that the subject was actually happy to have taken.  

I'm sure we've all seen photos of ourselves where we looked awkward, embarrassed etc because we really weren't comfortable with having our picture taken at that particular moment - but felt obliged to go along with it.   When we're choosing the best pictures from a stack of pictures - those "awkward poses" are probably the ones most of us discard back into the box.  They speak of a moment's discomfort frozen for eternity rather than happy memories.

Then, of course, there's the way the media treats photographs of high profile people.  All the gossip mags that will have experts analyse a couple's body language to decide whether the relationship is likely to last, the fat-shaming (or thin shaming) articles...articles assessing what plastic surgery a particular actress might have had, the naked pictures (eg Jennifer Lawrence and others a few years ago) and so on.  It is, very often, women whose photographs tend to be subjected to such scrutiny (often very hostile, negative scrutiny)...so it's not surprising a lot of women tend to be quite camera shy.

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

The problem would be if one person didn’t want their picture on the site, so the entire photo would have to be taken down and they couldn’t show anything.  I think a way around this would be to tell the person taking the pic you don’t want your pic taken. A decent person should respect that.

It's not just a 'decency' thing, though. I've never been to a meet up nor have I ever met anyone from a meet up or any 'private club' so I can't speak to that. I've also never physically met anyone from online, I've never given consent for any pic to be shared, implicit or explicit, anywhere or with anyone. I've personally never done that to anyone else, under any circumstances; I find it crass.

If someone took or shared a photo of me illegally wherever I am, that's a privacy and anonymity problem. Unless the place specifies it's ok to take pics and post them at random without the person's knowledge or consent (I don't know any place that does that), I think that's quite a serious privacy breach.

It's not just an annoyance, it's illegal.

 

[basil67]

@Emilie Jolie my link is to Australian law, but it seems to be fairly consistent across different countries

Taking photos of others in public space is not illegal, provided that that it's not something to be used for voyeuristic purposes.   Fro example, I could go to the beach and happily take snapshots of the crowd on the beach and boardwalk without issue.  But if I was sitting there with a zoom lens taking shots of topless women or women bending over, I'd be escorted off the beach and charged.   

 If it's taken in say, a stadium, the photographer must comply with the T&Cs of the event ticket.  If the ticket doesn't specify that one must not take photos of the crowd, then it's legal to do so.  Think of how many photos attendees have taken of themselves or others and the shot has photos of other attendees in the background.....

Of course, if it comes to taking photos of a stranger, good manners dictates that you'd ask their permission first.